Mithlor calls him Camore. I guess I will too. I wish I knew him better. He's one of those people who I kind of idolize and think are great and on top of that I think I owe him a lot both because of the person his game has made me into and because of Mithlor. I want to know him better because of lots of things. I know he's got a lot of interesting thoughts floating around his head and I know it would be fun and interesting to talk to him about stuff. I know he's a philosopher and philosophers are the coolest people to talk to, whether or not we agree on stuff, because they always think about things a lot. I know he's an adult managing to do what he loves where what he loves is not a conventional thing. I know that he's possibly the best teacher I could have for what I want to do. And I know that he's a person outside of the one setting I interact with him in and he seems like he'd be a fun person to know outside of just the stuff I listed. But. But he's incredibly intimidating. That's gotta be a weird thing to say, to think. I interact with him a couple times a month. I do so comfortably. I have no problem asking him about stuff within that setting. I'm well aware he's human like the rest of us. But. Just. As soon as it's not game anymore, it's terribly difficult to talk to him. I think I've approached him about out of game things all of maybe five times in the seven years I've known him. Those conversations have been extremely short. Most of anything else I talk to him about that's not the game is pretty much just me being included in somebody else's conversation due to proximity. I guess that's not totally true. There have been a couple of nights after AL events. But. Shit, I don't know, he makes me feel extremely self-conscious. He's incredibly intelligent and incredibly perceptive. A lot like Mithlor I guess. Except that between him and me he has pretty much all the power and all the knowledge. There's this sense that he will see all the thoughts I'm not proud of and all the lousy traits I have if I talk to him alone. And unlike with Mithlor I haven't seen his dark side at all and so while rationally I know he's only human it's one of those things where feelings have yet to catch up with rational thought. Not to mention there's not really time, I guess. He lives a really long way away and he's really busy and I'm not sure when I would talk to him about not game because every time a group of us gets together there's a backlog of RPs that need to be dealt with and if not that there's eight thousand game history questions that would be neat to know the answers to and talking just as people doesn't happen much. I guess maybe that's why it's surprised me the couple times he's hugged me. Funny story. Mithlor and I were running the small kids LARP we run. Fang was helping. Camore was running a party a couple fields over. After he was done running the birthday party and cleaning up, he came over to say hi to us. He hugged Mithlor and he fistbumped Fang and I'm not really sure what I expected but I was caught totally off guard when he hugged me. That may have been one of the more awkward hugs I've had ever because I didn't really process what was going on until after it had happened. Then my brain didn't leave it alone for the next couple weeks. Just the idea that Camore and I apparently had a relationship that was good enough for hugging to be a thing that had happened. And also for hugging to be a thing that happened unexpectedly and I didn't hate it. That was weird. This blog is probably not the place for this, because it's more or less turned into a reflection on my relationship with Camore and why it is mildly confusing to me. I'm not sure why it was here in the first place because before it was a reflection on how I would like that relationship to be which also isn't the type of thing I'd typically post here. I guess I'm just in a mood where I need to spew truth at things and the illusion of communicating with people is kind of important and this seemed like a fairly safe thing to talk about. I dunno. I'm done now.
