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This girl on fb made this post and I gotta say that it hit me in the stomach because I've been in her shoes.

(TL;DR: ive been in an abusive relationship with a lying, manipulative, cheater for 6 months and this is me being angry/losing my shit and finally standing up for myself. the first 19 screenshots are texts he sent to me and the last 6 are ones he sent to the fake accounts i made to see if he was cheating.)

alright. before i say anything else, i would just like to make it a point that im in the wrong too. i know that a lot of this has been brought upon me solely due to the fact that i CHOSE to stay with him. ive done some very regrettable things and i wish i hadnt. i have since taken responsibility, apologized (over and over), and tried to make up for my wrong doings. im not perfect, in fact, i am far from it. but that doesn’t mean its okay for me to just bottle up my feelings anymore. i dont care who thinks this is right or who thinks it’s wrong, i personally just feel that people need to know the truth and this is the most efficient way to do it.

im sure you guys know that ive been on and off with my (now ex) boyfriend for over 6 months. and im sure most of you know who he is. he has even lied to some of you about me, saying all of the same things im saying about him right now. abusers will always always always try to play the victim. but im not here to persuade any of you or to make anyone take sides. and im not going to go out of my way to make his identity known, because that isnt the purpose of this post. anyway, the photos attached depict what i have been dealing with for roughly 3-4 months of our relationship. all of the text messages to me are from the past week alone.

i’ve been cheated on who knows how many times. lied to. disrespected. put down. im just going to come right out and say it, ive been abused. not physically, but that shouldnt matter. im not going to say that i havent been toxic and abusive before as well, but i will say ive been making a conscious effort to work on it and have, again, taken responsibility for my actions.

just a quick word of advice: if you feel uneasy about the relationship for whatever reason, theres almost always a good reason for it.

now, i know social media status doesnt matter to a lot of you guys, and i get it. i totally understand. but there is a difference between valuing privacy, and hiding details of your life specifically to keep people in the dark and “protect their feelings”. my boyfriend would never, EVER, let me post pictures of him. the times i have, ive blocked him from seeing it because he would have broken up with me over it. he freaks out when i tag him in posts. he doesn’t post anything about me, and doesn’t even like any of my posts even though he likes posts of multiple other girls on his friends list. call it mundane, trivial, i dont care. it’s sketchy to me and im not the only one who thinks so.

recently, he deleted an entire post he made SOLELY because i commented something that made it obvious him and i were a thing. regardless of what he or anyone else tells me, i know this is why he did it because he has done this exact thing a handful of times.

as soon as i moved away from him, he cheated on me. i found out because, me being my usual paranoid self, was going through his likes on instagram. im not going to lie about it though i am ashamed. i came across a girl named Alexia. i didnt think anything of her at first, but i accidentally clicked on her profile and then noticed something funny. her profile picture. it was a picture of her and my boyfriend, with his arms wrapped around her the way he used to do to me. let me tell you, i immediately started sobbing. i wanted to kill myself. i hated him and i hated her with every molecule in my body. when i confronted him, he told me they just kissed but theres not a doubt in my mind that it was more than that. since i found out, he has been even more cautious with his social media. despite my numerous requests to block her and keep her blocked, he has repeatedly unblocked her and talked to her in ways that i dont approve of. im 100% convinced he is still cheating, but thats not exactly the point either.

this is where my toxicity really comes in. of course, my stupid gullible ass stayed with him as he promised to never do it again. but paranoia took over. i did the wrong thing. i made a fake account, and messaged him on it to see if he would cheat on me with it. he took the bait. he began texting “Vera” much more often than he would text me. replying to “her” even tho he had left me on read for hours. having genuine, meaningful conversations with “her”. trash talkig me to “her”. he would even pause our nightly facetime calls to reply to “her”, and when i asked what he was doing, he would say he is texting “his friend Jacob”. You guys have no idea how difficult it was to keep my cool and not give myself away. I had to act as if I had believed him while simultaneously feeling absolutely betrayed. he even made plans with that account, and when asked what he was doing that night, told me he was “going to el paso with his roommate”. something he has told me over and over and over. now, wouldnt you think that if he used that excuse then, he has used it multiple times. This has been over a month ago, and festering in my heart for however long. im surprised i still have any sanity left. maybe i dont. i dont know. he’s taken the bait for two fake accounts. i have also attached screenshots of conversations he had been having with those accounts.

throughout all of this, we have broken up with each other and gone back to each other multiple times. neither of us could seem to stay away from each other. its stockholm syndrome at its finest. but i can tell you that typing all of this out and reading it for myself has further solidified my decision that this has been an extremely toxic relationship that i need to get out of for good. it has affected me mentally as well as physically. at this point, im not really sure if im posting this to convince you guys that hes terrible, or to convince myself. it’s really difficult to see that youre being truly hurt sometimes. as Wanda the owl from Bojack Horseman would say, “When you look at someone through rose colored glasses, all the red flags just look like flags.”

anyway, i think thats all that really needs to be said. im sorry for those of you who actually read this whole thing, im sure if you arent angry youre bored out of your mind. again, the purpose of this post isnt to feel sorry for myself, ruin anyones reputation, or make people mad at him. i just want to tell you guys what it can be like to be a victim of an abusive relationship. a victim of STOCKHOLM SYNDROME. i love him with my whole heart, but ive been through enough. thanks for coming to my ted talk

vince, i hope youre happy.

#Strong #knows what's up #Can't break #Deep #deep thoughts #feelings