Jun 30, 2025
okay so I've never correctly expressed myself in my entire life apparently and it's my fault my parents never understood or believed me, I'm sorry, I should have been more dramatic and like a dancing monkey and repeated myself a thousand times I guess
#guess who just had a long conversation with her mom#'I've never known what you wanted' but yesterday it was 'she always took my no's meanwhile her sister would keep begging and begging'#sounds like I did say what I wanted? I just didn't want to uhm klaag (? can't come up with the english word)#mentioned not wanting to work through the headaches anymore (because I don't see the point so why work through literal pain you know)#and then it's 'oh sorry I never took you to the doctor and why did you not say how bad it was I saw you were in so much pain oh why are you#saying you stopped saying it because it wouldn't make a difference and every one would just ask if you had drunk water and had slept enough#like straight up and entire evening of that#I would say one thing not even blaming her I did not even mention her not taking me to the doctor she brought that up#does she not hear how she contradicts herself#and then she will be like oh we had a lot on our minds#yeah almost as if I picked that up and tried to be as little as an inconvenience as possible => taking no's for no's#not exessively complaining about headaches because it doesn't even make a difference#and fucking hell I didn't even mention all the times that what I wanted/ didn't matter at all and it sometimes ended badly#nah#she already mentioned being a bad mother when she brought up them never thinking to take me to the doctor#like she brought that up herself!#idk also there are so many times that I was dramatic about what I wanted as a child and I was ignored#like straight up what was the point being dramatic didn't help eithwr#also when I am having a headache the last thing you want to be is be dramatic that just makes it worse#can't even cry#idk and now it's you don't say anything what do you want#like i don't know what I want that is one thing never was allowed to want much growing up#tbh not that the be more dramatic thing would have helped a lot like sure my sister got more of what she wanted but uhm#she's also dysfunctional (no hate here to her)#idk it feels impossible to say anything to her because i said like a few things not blaming her and she was immediately like oh don't blame#me you're an adult (true I wasn't? i was just talking like she wanted me to you know putting in effort for her once again)
