So... my current debacle is finally in the clear for me. I need to manage this period of loneliness. Being able to be alone. Being strong whilst being alone. Having faith in myself whilst being alone.
That has been the root of my anxiety. I've lost some footing due to some of my (distant tectonic plates away) friends being more busy and it has showed in my daily life. The support I have gotten have been consequent for my current state though. I would have been far off worse without it. But for now, it seems that I am on my own.
Ugh. I don't feel connected to my writing. Out of focus. So I am in a non-intellectual cycle as well during this mess. Ugh, I rather hate when I am unable to find the right words and articulate proper. I have managed to progress and analyze my situation despite of this, thankfully.
It's just... having any sense of faith and feel tangible control is so out of bounds in my life predicament. I cannot work to make my trip faster to Canada, I cannot do anything other than wait really. Saving my money and let time pass as I suffer with what I have. Working on my mental health. Maybe focus on learning the Japanese I love and other things. Sigh. Getting better feels without a true notice. I have a goal but all I can do is have patience.
No clear directives that I can hold onto myself. Throwing myself out in the sea without guidance...
I keep saying how this and that time is 'the most' difficult. This sure seems to be another one of those times. I feel rather stagnant. I do work on believing in myself though.
This is the most lost I have felt in a long while. However I must persevere. I wish I could say it with more power behind it, because I don't feel that strong right now.