#can'tdothis

[gitzroy]

Sorry to everyone. No need to worry about me. Im gone.

[breastcancerat35]

06/13/2013

Still no answer on BRAC testing and seriously just want to be on the other side of this already. I am ready to be doing something about it. Spoke to insurance today (thank the goddess I am blessed enough to have insurance) and I can hold off on reconstruction until after all treatment is finished, they actually recommend it. Also the Dr. I want to do the reconstruction is in network so that is awesome news. Everyone wants me to find a support group but everything I find are women in their 50's and 60's and I can't find support in that. I am only 35, 36 next Sunday and married to a man still in his 20's. Of course part of our marriage is an active sex life and of course I want to look at least my age not 80 something when I am naked. And I am not worried about grandchildren, I am worried about my own three year old and fifteen and sixteen year olds. Five year survival rate at 72%... Ever will never even remember me. So, I can't find support in these women where the only things our lives have in common is the cancer. I know I can find friendship but that really isn't what I am searching for right now. I don't know what I am searching for. I am still tired. I told Chase today that even though I hadn't felt good in months and had chalked it up to the lupus and fibro and have never given myself permission to not feel good or get the extra rest, now I sort of feel a little more like I can say "I don't feel good and I need to rest" Why is that? I am no sicker today than I was three months ago so why is the fight to be strong going away? And why do I have this horrible gut wrenching feeling that more bad news is coming?

[searchingforinnerhappiness]

I know I'll never get better, so I might as well just end it.

[nicolemaney]

Dear Friend,

I know I should be thinking positively, and that's the only way to get through everything, but I can't any more. Since 8th grade I've dreamed of teaching kids, inspiring them to love to read and learn. I sit here today, a second semester sophomore, convinced I will fail. I will not make a good teacher. I do not have what it takes. I don't have a clue as to what I would want to do. I don't even know if I want to come back to school next year because I don't know what I would do. I could go on the public track of Library Science, but I don't even know if I would like doing that everyday. I just need someone to tell me the future, where will I end up? What am I supposed to be doing? For now I'm just kinda done.

Love,

Nikki

[klingleon]

I have 99 problems...

but a fuck ain't one.

Got a case of the fuckits.

[uzuleira]

needed a break from reality.

so I'm on tumblr.