#cannibal john

[reddetur]

I'm so funny

[voodooling]

THAT THING WHERE JOHN EATS PEOPLE.

Oh hey there don't take this seriously cries okay.

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“I eat people.”

Sherlock whirled around to stare at his flatmate in shock.

That, Sherlock did not deduce.

“You eat people.”

“Yes Sherlock, I eat people.”

Sherlock immediately reached out for a chair and sat down. John was leaning again the kitchen counter, sipping calmly at his tea.

“So… Everything you’ve ever cooked…”

“Are people yes. Those meat balls in the pasta last night was people. The lasagna the night before was people. The shepherd pie before that was people.”

Sherlock raised his arms and tucked his hands underneath his chin in his usual ‘mind palace’ pose. This would take a while to process.

“So you’re a cannibal.”

“Yup.”

“And everything you’ve cooked for me is people.”

“Yup.”

“Even the desserts.”

“Especially the desserts.”

Sherlock finally looked up at John. His flatmate was still sipping serenely from his mug of tea.

“Is this the part where you tell me you have to kill me now that I know your secret?”

John smiled, a little too widely.

“I want to strike up a deal with you Sherlock, because I like you, and as tasty as you look, I don’t want to eat you.”

Sherlock gulped visibly.

“Alright.”

“You keep my secret, and in exchange, I’ll let you observe me. You’ve never observed a cannibal have you? Imagine the data you’d gain! You will also have many corpses at your disposal to experiment on -  you won’t have to run off to Barts and try to charm one off of Molly each time anymore.”

That… sounded tempting.

“It does have some… merit.”

“Then we have a deal?”

“… Deal.”

John beamed brightly.

“Lovely. Now Sherlock, we’re out of milk, and I need it to cook tonight’s dinner. Could you fetch some from Tesco’s?”

Sherlock agreed right away and left the flat to get some milk.

Besides, if he stayed, John might eat him.

THE END.

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THERE HARU I WROTE IT.

And I really regret it. What am I doing.

on AO3