My bad hand
I am asked: what kind of bullshit are you dealing with?
It's a question from David Goggins' Challenge #1, in his book ''Can't hurt me''. My head hurt from crying so much, thinking about all the things that come to my mind. Knowing that I will put my struggles black on white, for the world to see (hopefully I go under the radar), and I am not sure if I am ready for that - even though I already started writing a bit about my experience in my iPhone Notes, hoping that one day, when I get out of this situation, I can help people out. I am not living a situation as traumatic as I read in the book so far. But it is the worst time of my life!
To help me anwer the question, Goggins ask me prompt questions and one of them is: What are the current factors limiting your growth and success? Let me tell you.
I am broke as hell!!! I know, we all are. But I am broke as never before and it sucks the life out of me! As a motivated and ambitious woman, mother of three beautiful young children, a positive and optimistic soul, I feel like I am way off track in my life.
As of today, I am about 120,000$ in debt (I am in the process of calculating everything). I have a clean and almost empty fridge with yogurt, a bit of milk, butter, some cheese, juice boxes for kids' lunches, some bread, a head of lettuce, and basic condiments. Two pieces of salmon and a bit of minced pork in the freezer. Literally 1 fusilli in a jar and a pinch of spaghetti in another. There's not much in my pantry. I have 0,00$ in my bank account.
My kids will be back from their dad's this weekend, and I have no idea what I will feed them. I barely have any gas in my car. I borrowed money from my dad this morning (I urgently needed to put money in my account for my home and car insurance) and promised to give it back on a certain day, but I am not sure if I will be able to. It will be possible if my cousin and his wife lend me 1,000$ (I am waiting patiently for his reply). I'm missing 300$ on my car payment. I have not paid my rent as I have to wait for the government check to pay later this month. I have not been paying for my two kids' after-school daycare for a few months, and I don't pay 3 other bills AT ALL.
I am an indepedant worker. But somehow, my business endeavors don't seem to be fruitful. I know I am supposed to head that direction because I prayed about and God answered me through a very clear sign. So why isn't it working?! That's a whole other story.
I am TIRED of having to think about how I will pay for this and that. Every day, I feel like I am in those 80's movies where there's someone kidnapping someone and he is asking for an impossible amount of ransom and I have to go through the toughest most dangerous challenges to find the money. Every day is about trying to divide 1$ into multiple parts so I can pay for a multitude of things. I am EXHAUSTED!
I can't dream of anything now. I can't think about signing my kids up to any camps this summer or not even swimming lessons. We can't consider any trips. I can't even buy new summer clothes. We can't even eat out on a Friday night, like we used to do. I'm not even going to talk about my project of buying real estate, ha! Or my dreams of doing philanthropic work (I have so many ideas!)
The world around me has become smaller and smaller. I can't see a way out. I am looking for a job. (forget about the businesses!) and I hope to find something soon! Everything I want to do is out the window now! I can only focus on making money and paying those bills! How long will I have to suffer in a 9-5?
I have been falling into despair, almost fainting, my eyes rolling at the back of my head. I now understand why people may think about ending their life (I don't have suicidal ideas, but sometimes, I think it's the only way I can actually solve all my financial problems). But I pick the pieces of myself up from the ground and encourage myself to push through. How many times can I do that, though!? I can't already! Always get back up, always get back up, always, get back up. When will I be able to walk straight!???
The worst part is, you would look at me (the way I dress, the car I drive, my positive attitude (authentic), my apartment (although in just a 1-br for me and 3 kids), you wouldn't be able to tell that I am absolutely poor! How many people live in the same situation as mine? I know mine is bad, real bad. But I know some people are in way worst situations.
It is late, I am tired. I don't know if I did this assignment right. I'm not sure if what I wrote is understandable, if we can feel the deepness of my problem. But I don't want to read what I wrote and review my text.
God, show me the way. What am I supposed to learn in this incredible challenge? I feel like I already learned my lesson. Let me graduate already!
Poor Mama (not forever!)