Feb 28
In case some of you were wondering what the happy thing was, I may as well type about it. Plus, I’m feeling in the typing mood. There’s lots I want to write about, but I shall start off with this.
When I go back to the beginning, it was right after I dropped off my sister S off at her friend’s house (the last time I got to hug her). My phone rang, and seen it was my son. (To jog your memory, at this time I was on my way to my dad’s house to surprise him, and my son didn’t know yet). Anyways, I automatically assumed he was calling for money, or to buy him something online lol. But here’s how that conversation went:
D, “Hi, mum, where are you?” M, “Idk, nowhere. lol, Why, what’s wrong?” D, “You’ll never guess what?” M, “What?!?! Tell me!” (a lil worried) D, “My grandma said I can come visit you for the break.” M, “Omg, Don’t lie.” (almost crying lol) D, “Do you want me to come?” M, “Of course! I’ve been waiting my whole life for this!” ....
Mind you, it was still a week away from happening, so I didn’t want to get to excited, or hopes too high. Just cuz she tends to change her mind all the time.
That whole week he was msging, or calling, so excided talking about what we were gonna do, asking where he would sleep, and just little things like that. It was just something so big and exciting to happen for the both of us, cuz that’s all we’ve been waiting for.
Anyways, right after the funeral, we all come home. Now, the plan was to keep him ere right until Sunday, that was 8 days. But he didn’t last lol. Now, it didn’t end on bad terms, or anything like that. It was just all new and too much, and too fast for him. Like, for one, he grew up practically the only child. So, coming here with 4 younger siblings, some that like to climb all over someone, ask for multiple hugs within minutes, or just don’t leave him alone. Then, the constant bickering between the younger ones, and me yelling and getting upset sometimes lol. I can see how it could get to him. Plus, my big boy was lonely for his grandparents.... and his Xbox lol.
It wasn’t all bad tho. I tried to do things with them. But I couldn’t do everything. I didn’t have much money. And I put this huge weight on myself, thinking I had to make this the best it could possibly be. It was a really unrealistic expectation, tbh. Given that I put too much pressure on myself and I just lost my sister. But it wasn’t like it was a completely horrible time. Or at least, I hope he doesn’t think that lol.
I even went to my bio mom’s city on the 16th. That was my half, older, bio brother. (Idk if I mentioned it, but he was hooked to meth for the past few years) I just talked to him, for the first time in over 2 yrs, when he called to ask about my sister S. (They were semi close when we were all younger. But, I thought, since I would have all 5 of my kids, I can take them to see that family. So, we went. I kind of immediately regretted it when I got there. I thought, “Omg, such a small space. Omg, what am I gonna do with my son. Omg, he’s gonna hate it here.” So many things lol. But it wasn’t that bad. Everyone get there and we played poker for $5 buy-ins and rebuys. My son liked it at first, cuz his stack was huge the first few games. But I had promised them a movie at 6, so, that would mean for us to be there 3 hrs.
That was it. But I should mention how that visit made me feel, real quick. I’ve never visited much since I got sober. Their house was where I went on a bender for the last time. When I was already over 2 months sober, but we there and drank for 8 days. So, to me, sitting there around them all drinking, in a dirty apartment, it just didn’t feel good. Like, I didn’t belong there. My kids didn’t belong there. It just didn’t feel right. I remember I was msging Alex saying this to him, and he was like, “It might be a good thing. Like, you are growing.” lol. Idk. So, I kind of decided that I’m not going back there. I’m done trying to make the efforts to go see them. I feel like an asshole saying that, but seriously, none of them reach out because they’re concerned, or miss me, or just wanna talk; they only fucken call when they need money. I don’t like it. So, I’m done. (With exception to my oldest brother, he helps me too, when I need the help. And he checks up on me. And he’s sober.)
Anywhoo, back to my son. I cried (without him seeing me) when he asked me to take him home. I think it was the Wednesday he asked, so I took him Thursday. I told him not to feel bad, and it was understandable that all off this was too much, too fast. Like, we should have done 2 days for the first time in his big kid life lol. And, next time, we will aim for just a few days. Plus, it will be warmer to do more shit outside.
I feel like, it also brought us closer, as mother and son. He msges me more often, even if it’s just to say he misses and loves me. And on our last night together, we just laid in my bed till 3am, laughing at snap filters, and telling each other jokes from the internet lol. It was a great time. He even slept with me. I was happy that night.
Next time will be better.
