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Oh do not worry about not having a scheduled drop! My entry to the world day is in a few weeks so I guess I'll consider whatever your July drop is as a personal gift? I'm kidding!! Also I really don't have a problem coming off anon it's not usually the bloggers I message I'm trying to hide from, it's their potential platform who I DON'T "know". But you two? 🤝🏼 shake on proposed friendship?😂 It doesn't seem likely we know each other irl so this seems fine enough 😆 Also if you can drop any more Mea Culpa lore like what the concept involves like are they all same universe or same theme or now I'm dying to know honestly.

Yeah last time I skipped GD and BB because I couldn't justify the prices for the tickets (seriously the YG artists always were literally double the price of anyone else who came back in the day and it was already super expensive for kpop acts to come out to begin with) but I went to see TY recently ish and I also earn my own money now and rarely leave the house and pretty much stopped going to cons for, tactfully speaking, ethical reasons so GD was part nostalgia part collecting the set (so I guess I should buy my Dae tickets soon...). The ticketing for TY and GD were both extremely wtf but for some reason for GD I got so so lucky recently but now I have to logistics.

I appreciate the general good career vibes from you both!! I was a huge academic weapon back in the day and everything felt so breezy and right and anything I wanted I could do but then I felt like I was losing myself and my internal compass was mega broken and that really destroyed a lot of the ease of things I used to be able to do without even thinking. Used to be an avid reader and now can barely make it to the end of a sentence without almost dissociating. Used to be measured and articulate and now sometimes words would fail me mid sentence. I know I can't go back to uni without it destroying me so I went straight to work and through sheer luck and tenacity bounced my way up but my current role despite being the closest to a career role than anything else, hasn't actually been able to give me any of the industry standard technical skills for me to even get an "equivalent" role elsewhere which is part of the problem and also the vibes are just... not right.

My current dilemma is the knowledge that I have to go but not really knowing where to, which wouldn't normally have been a problem for me, but the process of resumes, interviews, applications and the huge uncertainty of whether the next place will be a good fit just has me dead. I actually overstay at places so when I "decide" to leave "officially" in my head I would have mentally clocked out ages ago and the role or situation (cough uni cough) would have to be actively killing me to a degree that even I can't justify anymore. Current job pays decent money considering my lack of "real" qualifications and what I'm ending up doing day to day (lack of input from management until there's an error means I feel like I'm just creating a day full of busywork rather than real work...), a job my previous manager texted me after seeing I was serious about potentially leaving is even more money but I'm just not so sure it's good for me. It's the closest thing to an option I have right now so I think I'll just apply and see how I go and if it sucks at least my resume will already be done lol but if it truly sucks it will just put me in even more of a time crunch to exit that next place and I'll just take another critical hit to my already fragile mentality.

I know that given time and the right supportive environment I can do well pretty much anywhere in any role but like if it's not a good environment then suddenly all my skills go poof. It's like if I'm sad or upset or anxious suddenly I can't do anything lol but if I'm thriving mentally and emotionally then any job is getting great value for money, and I'm not even a bragger, I promise 😭

It's also super hard for me to gauge what a job is "really" going to be like day to day. Like I'm sure for most people they see lawyers as arguing in court all the time and high power political moves and slick outfits but I'm fairly confident there's also mountains of paperwork, cases can take years to move and most cases are probably very routine. Which honestly, if that's the case, would kind of appeal to me. Just tonnes of research and investigation in the background and someone else can take that information and do something with it.

I fully get companies have to have kpis and standards of work to measure how much value they get out of their employees and for benchmarking etc but my brain doesn't function kpi wise lol just give me a clear giant list of possible tasks and even the tasks that seem kind of impossible will get done. It's a little funny because I've bounced around a bunch of "entry level and entry level adjacent" roles and every time someone has taken a chance on me they seem so horrified that I'm not doing something "better" but that's not really what I care about. Like one day someone in a position of "better" managed to give me my current opportunity and whilst I'm grateful, there are some things that have happened that have shifted my mindset on staying. (Like uh... forcibly changing my reporting line to people that do not care for me the way the person who originally gave me a shot did lol- I owe nothing to the new "team", used loosely because they don't treat me the way I would like to be treated).

I'm not actually worried about "stable career" as much as most people are, and in fact most people are trying to convince me not to quit because this is considered a "good stable job" but for me I know I can do well as long as conditions are good so job security and stability is not really a Huge Concern but it's just the internal broken compass thing where I can't steer myself which is hurting me the most.

In some ways that's probably why I liked the main character of the NJ story so much. There was just an air of inevitability, of being able to do the job competently and in theory being supported and given the tools needed to succeed and THRIVE but instead just kind of left hanging to SURVIVE as if it's just another regular Tuesday, a non-event, expected to exceed expectations whilst also just casually fending off threats and danger as if it's not even worth mentioning.

Also I fully realise I've just wall of texted so I'm actually going to come off anon for your convenience 🤣. Thanks for letting me talk it out, please do let me know if I ever overstay my welcome.

The gasp I just gasped when I saw both your username and your POCHACCO PFP OHMYGODDDDDDDDD (I love that lil guy so much)🥺🩷👐 In the most consensual, sane, and loving way possible, many smooches on your forehead🥰 This is so exciting that you came off anon! Can we call you Star or is there another name you’d prefer??? We are so open to your preferences!

Happy happy early birthday! Elaborate secret handshake on the friendship proposal too! Already sending you a digital friendship bracelet🩷

We have so much in common lmao, both Fen and I are also academic weapons but the line between academic weapon and academic victim is thinner than we like to admit haha😔✊ I would legit give anything to have my personality back, like, I fought so hard to have my effortless magical girl personality survive, but uh, spending your days surrounded by a weird religious culty compound-like environment and being the only one not rocking with those quite honestly, rancid vibes does not do wonders for the glitter in my brain🥺✨ Truly worst case scenario for someone who does not take “authority figures” seriously.

Samsies on losing interest in things I used to enjoy doing (haha, don’t look at my 6-7 year hiatus on this blog), like reading and all my creative hobbies that I’m like, actually so fucking good at??? Like, damn, I’m really just out here picking up hobbies like that and slaying that shit for free??? I legit could not focus on a single word (not a great place for an academic weapon to be in) but like, I couldn’t NOT be an academic weapon, so I got one of those free text to speech readers and pushed through (but at what cost☠️) Legit the only thing that saved me was an academic miracle during my finals week where my uni was kinda urineun drop it like hot, hot, hot if you will😔 And you know, starting to re-love my old hobbies (writing, art, the works) and picking up new ones! And reading a concerning amount of fanfiction (esp Naruto fanfiction when my mental health was especially bad for some reason idk🙃??)

Anyway! We don’t have time to really unpack that nonsense, but long story short I am SO with you on the I CANNOT GO BACK TO SCHOOL RN OR I WILL JUST peace sign fades into nothing. But that does mean I’m on the career grind with a couple decent opportunities, but nothing really set in stone yet. Career decisions just suck the life out of you, but I recently got some advice from someone who has hella more experience than me about agonizing over whether or not I’m making the right career choice. Maybe it’ll be of use to you too!

Don’t stress about whether or not you’re making a right or wrong decision. No matter what you choose to do, it will lead you to other opportunities. Instead, focus on what skills you can obtain and keep learning, as that’s the real value you should get out of a job.

From the way you described your work environment and what environment you thrive in, this might be something for you to think about— or not! What do I know? But you’re paying attention to yourself and how you are feeling and that’s super important. I wish you the best and send you all the luck finding a better work environment that really allows you to flourish!🩷 You are super talented, kind, intelligent, and competent, and you’ll do a wonderful job!🥰

Mea Culpa lore, you ask?👀 You shall receive, my dear🤩✨ Happy early birthday!!!

I try to incorporate qualities into my MCs that I like myself to have—there’s always some gremlin/menace energy, confidence, competence, an elite sense of humor, the list goes on. Sweets will always be a favorite for me. A woman with a plan and the skill to not only accomplish it, but destroy everything in her way? My heart has already been stolen🥰

For the rest of the Mea Culpa Universe (which all are part of the same AU), ooh boy are these men down so horrendously bad, like absolute loser, but for the right woman! There’s an element of continuity with the one shots. The next one shot out will probably be Seokjin’s, in which the big, bad, intimidating head of Kim’s Organized Crime & Co. is brought to his knees by…

The chef that catered Namjoon’s wedding🤩✌️✨

Here’s a little spoiler of Devil’s Food for your birthday!

“This tastes like it was made by someone who doesn’t believe in same sex marriage.”

“Did you just tell me I cook like a conservative?” Seokjin spluttered, eyes wide in unfiltered betrayal.

“Yeah, you went way too hard with the oil— like you may as well have just deep fried it— and then buried your mistakes in salt. It’s really awful.”

Almost instinctually, Seokjin barked out the beginning of what was probably going to be a long winded lecture based on the first shout of, “Yah!”

That was as far as he got. You interrupted him, unflinching. “You’re crazy to raise your voice at me.”

Resolutely, he nods. “You’re right, Angel.” His warm hands cup your cheeks, thumbs rubbing soothing circles as he melts into your eyes. “I’d have to be out of my mind to ever yell at you.”

With affection and sparkles,

Peachesndreams

Softly, but with feeling: WOOF.

But also, definitely friendship offer accepted.

I resonate with a lot of what you have to say here about the job hunt in general and not feeling like you have the ability to hop without keeping your position at the same “level”.

I think for me, as an attorney, what people neglected to mention when I was going into this field is that it is— as much as being a barista at Starbucks or an insurance agent or whatever— a customer service industry. When you work for a private firm, your client is your customer, and you take a lot of shit.

It’s not some high-powered, ball-busting fantasy.

It’s an insane dude who thinks you’re the reason he lost his kids instead of his heroin addiction. It’s an elected judge who’s never even practiced in your area of expertise who tells you that you’re getting it wrong. It’s knowing that the end result of your work was not only amazing, but frankly a miracle, but your client still screams at you. It’s having a police escort six blocks back to your office because your opposing party is violent and threatening you in the courtroom. And it’s worrying that the piece of paper you just got your client won’t be enough to protect them and/or their family from the person who wants to hurt them.

As someone with a neurospicy brain and typical gifted kid burnout syndrome: my situation is extremely sub-optimal for both my physical and mental health. And more so since my bosses don’t take my complaints regarding my personal safety as seriously as I would like.

So, I recently decided I’m OUT.

And I’m sticking to that. I literally sat down over the course of a weekend and was like “What aspects of this job do I enjoy?” And I realized there are other things I can do that will let me do more of those things, but I need some specialized education as an in. So I networked, talked to people, and expressed my interest in switching fields— crazily enough: people love talking about themselves! And were so enthused about giving me resources that would enable me to gtfo.

All that to say, the changes I’ve made in the last year are: (1) mental health assistance, and (2) self-examination. And they kind of go hand-in-hand. I’ve recovered so much of the self I lost during my academic years, and actually discovered which aspects of myself were? Real?? And not just a reflection of what my parents wanted/expected???? And it’s made me more assertive about what I need to enjoy my life. It has definitely not all happened at once, but my little baby steps have started to pick up momentum. My internal compass was probably a little broken too for a while. But those personal changes mentioned above helped me kind of tear the old one out and rebuild it from scratch, because I realized the parts used to make it didn’t match my model, if you catch my drift?

More than anything, what I’ve found to be helpful is having the clarity of the kind of life I want to live, rather than the job I want to do. When I picture myself living that life, there’s definitely a bit of “hm— are the qualities of this career something that fits within this image?”

And I might be wrong— but that’s okay because nothing nothing nothing is permanent.

Maybe look at the position your previous manager recommended with that in mind? The vibes might not be right, but you’ll come out of it with something new. It doesn’t have to be the Goldilocks job just yet— but it’s either a preferable alternative to your current position in the interim while you figure out what makes the heart happy, or it’s such a significant change in environment that it could be the job you need.

I hope you find a soft place to land!

🌿 Caolfen

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