for @capmanes‘ prompt Lone Star, Tarlos, "you're not alone" TK is having a hard time
word count | [1,960 words]
pairing | [tarlos]
characters | [carlos reyes, tk strand]
warnings | [angst, mentions of cancer, mentions of addiction, mentions of relapsing]
author’s notes | [beta’ed by @meloingly]
summary | [after finding out about his father’s illness, tk winds up knocking on carlos’ door]
the world has changed
It becomes a habit. TK would end a long shift, no matter the hour, and he would find himself following the path up to Carlosʼ front door. And invariably Carlos would answer to the knocking, heedless of the time, and he would close the door to the world outside offering TK a shelter.
But tonight there’s something about the way TK carries himself, as though heʼs lifting the weight of the whole world with just one hand, that has Carlos rushing to close the door and keep the monsters outside, far away from this man who has quickly become one of the most important people in his life.
TKʼs eyes are dull and sad when Carlos searches them for answers that he knows TK wonʼt provide — itʼs part of their unspoken agreement, Carlos doesn’t ask and TK doesn’t share if he doesn’t feel like it — but still, Carlos tries to find a reason for this sudden wave of grief flashing through the green that has claimed Carlosʼ heart.
“I’ll make some tea,” he offers in a low voice. TK nods absentmindedly, finding his way to the couch where he flops down. Carlos checks in on him one last time before disappearing into the kitchen, taken aback by the hollowness he sees in TKʼs stance. He doesn’t know what has brought this darkness — whether itʼs been a bad shift or the fear of giving in to temptation — but Carlos feels like he canʼt let TK drown in his own pain.
A few minutes later, he re-enters the living room with two mugs of tea and a plan.
“Here, have this,” he tells TK, placing one of the steamy mugs in front of him. “Careful with the heat,” he continues.
Carlos finds a spot for himself on a sofa right across TK, sitting down so heʼs facing the firefighter. He takes in TKʼs appearance — the hunched shoulders, the slight tremor in his hands when he squees his fingers tighter around the mug, the twitch in his right leg that has him tapping the floor probably without noticing it. He sighs.
“Long day?” he asks, walking the tightrope of the boundaries they both have tacitly set around the issue of them being them and not just Carlos and TK.
“The longest,” TK answers. He sips from his tea, not even wincing at the heat, and Carlos has to hold back a smile. TK is the only person he knows that can drink or eat something really hot and not get his tongue burned. What others find laughable or food for teasing, Carlos finds adorable, just another trace that makes TK the man heʼs falling for.
He canʼt allow his mind to go there now, not when TK is looking like heʼs been run over by three trucks and one bus.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he says, his own hand around his mug, although his tea remains untouched. He knows he’s treading into dangerous territory — they aren’t ready for this yet, and Carlos doubt they’ll ever be.
“If I do,” TK whispers as though he’s talking to his tea. “If I do, then it’ll be real. I won’t survive it being real.”
Carlos has to hold himself back, even if all he wants to do is cradle TK’s face in his hands and reassure him that everything is going to be okay, even if he doesn’t know what happened to make those green eyes so blue. Instead, he sighs lowly and mutters back, “I’m here.”
“I just don’t know what to do anymore, Carlos,” TK tells him. He sets his mug aside on the coffee table separating them before looking up at him with tears in his eyes. “My father’s ill. Lung cancer. He’s known from before we moved to Austin. He’s even gone to some chemo sessions, without telling me. How fucked up that is?”
The words suck Carlos’ air from his own lungs. It’s painful to breathe when he’s seeing the ache eating TK up from the inside. He doesn’t say anything, silently encouraging TK to keep talking.
“He thinks I’m weak. That’s the only reason I can think of, why he hasn’t told me before. And he hasn’t told me! I’ve found out, I was looking for some gum and I saw the pills. I wasn’t—I swear I wasn’t looking for a high, I swear!” TK whines, his voice rising up, his hands balling up in fists over his legs. “He hasn’t told me because he thinks I won’t be able to take it. He thinks I—I—” TK trails off, closing his eyes and trying to steady himself.
Carlos itches to comfort him, but he isn’t sure if touch will be welcomed when TK is evidently falling down a spiral that’s threatening to eat him whole. It hurts him to watch TK believe that he’s losing his father — Carlos doesn’t know the details of Captain Strand’s illness, he doesn’t know at which stage he is, or how optimistic his prognosis is.
Carlos just knows that he wants to protect TK from any harm, from any pain, and he’s failing spectacularly right now.
“You know, it’s always been my father and I. Even when my mom was around, it was just the two of us,” TK’s voice is shaky. Carlos can see one tear finally making its way down TK’s cheek. He reaches out to wipe it, but before his fingers graze TK’s skin, Carlos withdraws his hand, not sure whether his touch would be welcome. “Without him, I don’t know who I am. I don’t have anyone else. I didn’t have any true friends back in New York. Only Alex, and see how that turned out,” he chuckles mirthlessly.
Carlos has always wanted to have a few words with Alex, but he’s never felt rage as blinding as what he’s experiencing right now. He’s always had the inkling that Alex had isolated TK, but listening to the firefighter admitting that he’s felt lonely all along makes something ugly flare-up in Carlos’ soul.
“I won’t survive it this time,” TK confesses. His eyes are down, staring into the space between himself and the coffee table, and Carlos finally gives in — he moves from the sofa to the couch, close enough to TK that their knees are touching. “If he—God, Carlos, if he dies, I don’t know if I won’t relapse. Fuck, I’m not even sure I won’t relapse now!” TK lifts his hands to thread through his hair, pulling at some parts and wincing.
“Hey,” Carlos finally interrupts him. “Look at me, please.” When TK doesn’t comply, Carlos sighs and cups his jaw to force him to meet his eyes. “There you are,” he says in a low voice, unblinking. “Stop that, please. You know you won’t relapse. You’re strong, and you’re brave. Hell, TK, you’re one of the bravest people I’ve ever known.”
TK shakes his head, trying to free himself from Carlos’ grip. Carlos doesn’t want to let go, but he also doesn’t want to make TK feel unsafe, so he drops his hand and places it on his own lap with a sigh.
“You’re not alone,” he tells TK. He hasn’t stopped looking at TK, trying somehow to make the firefighter believe that Carlos is here for the long haul. “You aren’t. You have the 126 family. You have your father, he isn’t gone yet, and I bet he’ll kick this cancer and get through it.”
When TK shakes his head, Carlos reaches out again and holds TK’s hands in his, attempting a reassuring gesture that has TK staring at him, the shadow of a doubt hanging between them.
“Do you really think Judd would let you go through this alone?” he insists. “That Marjan wouldn’t kick your ass to get your head focused on something other than the cancer? That Paul or Mateo wouldn’t be by your side every step of the way? TK, you have friends. You have a family here.”
“My father’s dying,” TK whispers. “My father’s dying and I don’t think I can be by his side and support him without breaking down.”
“But he’s not dead yet,” Carlos deadpans. “And he’s a fighter. He’s going to win this battle, and he’s going to be so proud of you for being there for him. It’s going to be okay, TK.”
“Then why do I feel like it won’t? I can’t do this on my own.”
Carlos can’t help himself; hearing the despair in TK’s voice, he lunges forward and carefully holds TK in a tight hug, an embrace that has TK flushed against Carlos’ chest, shaking as unshed tears finally find their way out of his system. He runs a hand up and down TK’s back, a soothing movement that manages to calm TK’s sobs eventually.
“You’re not on your own, Ty,” he promises. “You’ve got your family, you’ve got your friends, and you’ve got me.” There’s a lingering vow in his words, an oath to protect TK from harm anytime TK needs saving. Carlos knows he’ll fight tooth and nail to keep TK away from pain for the rest of his life.
“Do you mean it?” TK whispers. “Even if I don’t know what I want, or if I need to take everything even slower now?”
“I told you once, I wasn’t trying to be your boyfriend or your friend,” Carlos tells him. “But I was lying. I was already your friend, TK. You’re already important to me. This isn’t a setback or a test. This is life, and you don’t have to walk through it alone. You’ve got us, you’ve got me.”
TK nods slightly against Carlos’ chest, his own hands lifting to clutch at Carlos’ shirt. They remain like that, rocking back and forth on Carlos’ couch, while TK cries all his frustrations and his fears out, until there are no more tears for him to shed. Eventually, TK moves to separate himself from Carlos, looking up at him.
“Thanks. I really needed that,” he whispers. “I had never had true friends before. It’s a weird feeling, but I kinda like it.”
“That’s what friends are for,” Carlos reassures him, even if his heart is breaking a little at the words. He’s been lying all along — he’s never wanted to be just TK’s friend, and he’s too far gone now to backtrack from that.
He’s fallen so hard for TK that he doesn’t think there’s any coming back from it. And it’s going to sting, because they aren’t on the same page and Carlos doubts they ever will. And yet here he is, helping TK up from his couch and walking him to his door, sending him off to his father with a soft smile and the promise that they will face whatever fate throws their way together.
“See you tomorrow?” TK asks shyly. “I’ve wanted to try that paleo place out on Main for a while now.”
“It’s a date,” Carlos says, ruffling TK’s hair before ushering him out. “Go, go to your father, and try to get some sleep. You’re doing great.”
“I don’t know what I’d do without you,” TK whispers, leaning in and kissing Carlos’ cheek. “Thanks.”
And with that he saunters off, leaving Carlos leaning into his own door frame, his heart soaring at the fact that TK has initiated physical touch and plummeting at the knowledge that TK just sees him as a friend. But he can’t wade through that train of thought right now.
With a sigh, he enters his home and closes the door at his back, mind spinning a mile a second. He needs to be by TK’s side, and that’s what he’s going to do, even if it costs him his heart.
