Let’s talk about Damen’s grief (Part one)
It’s never talked about as much as Laurent’s grief or trauma. Damen is always the powerful, determined, makes-ends-meet type of guy. A much lesser attributed factor to his character is his grief. No one talks about how much he changes through the trilogy and his grief is the only tether to his old life. Let me explain. (Probably in more than one post, I’ll see)
That right place to start would be in Ios, after the trial.
This whole section is particularly difficult. Through out the trilogy, Damen is called a dumb brute/a naive fool/an arrogant prince who didn’t see the treachery seeping through his family, this is either directly said (Laurent) or politely implied (Nikandros). But in reality, Damen never had a reason to see a possibility for treachery. He never saw himself as holding a bigger power that could be stolen, by being the heir. At least not in Kastor. He always strived to please his brother and father, who were the bigger powers in his life, who he thought were better than him. He looked up to them as people who were trying to teach him to be a better king. Kastor and Theomedes were one and the same in his mind’s eye. He took the throne as a responsibility, a job that had to be done right, rather than a ✨privilege✨.
It’s so sad when he tries not to feel small waiting in the slave baths, like Kastor could even hold a candle to his forest fire. It’s down right depressing when he mentions the similarity Kastor has with Theomedes, that semblance of family, the blind desperation for family. He can’t even get himself to digest the facts of his life in hopes of keeping his brother. He just fought through nations to come back home. He finally faces Kastor and he can’t even get himself to do anything, because he can only see his father, who is ✨dead and buried✨.
Like I said, his grief is what tethers him to his old life/his family. A blind hope really, but I wouldn’t blame him for grappling to home after months in Vere.
This exchange from the night he was captured is painful af. I always forget that Damen was never allowed to mourn for his father. Because this happens, and then he wakes up in an enemy nation. He lowers his sword, he lowers his fucking sword, the most renowned fighter in Akielos only had to hear of his father to put his guard down. That’s what family means to Damen.
I’ll save the pain of recounting every thing Laurent does when Damen is in Vere. Like, dude just lost his father and got kicked out of his country, but Laurent just tries to press salt into that wound. No one questions it and the cruelty of it is lost on us because ofc ✨trauma and revenge✨ on Laurent’s part. (This is why the flogging is one of the most unsettling things about their relationship for me, because it’s never handled properly… just swept under the carpet with that bath scene in the summer palace) But there are moments in Arles when damen’s home sickness comes up in overwhelming waves, like these, when he thinks of the betrayal, the loss, and the danger in Vere.
Then, the ride to Delpha, and falling for Laurent, of all people. Plain bad news for his grief.
Damen is called a playboy prince who likes blondes so often that we forget that falling in love with the enemy was equally difficult for Damen as much as it was for Laurent. Because Damen never knew that Laurent knew who he was, so imagine falling for someone who had you whipped (pun-intended) for no reason but your nationality. *Stomach churning, bile rising nausea*
In the book, when Damen finds out Laurent knew all along, he says laurent must’ve been in some state of delusion and loneliness to have slept with him at Ravenel. Funny how that same logic goes for him. He thinks he tolerates so much crap from Laurent, for no reason but ✨Akielos✨, all the while falling desperately for him.
Because falling for Laurent also meant questioning his own beliefs, discarding the sadness of his fathers death and staying quiet when Laurent openly insults his father, his country, and him. (Laurent’s such a cinnamon roll, but I fucking hate him sometimes, esp for what he did to Damen)
Laurent spitting about Theomedes’ murder (something Damen didn’t know) at Ravenel, intentionally, knowing it would hurt Damen, talking about Damen as ✨Damianos✨. Which is Laurent fighting back, defending himself, also being petty, sure, but hurting Damen mostly. And Damen, being Damen, does not place a single ounce of blame on Laurent for what he is feeling in that moment. He just internalises the grief, and the guilt onto his own family, thinks of his lost barbarian father, and the traitorous brother. He still wants to help Laurent. Fuck. Because, then he politely raises his hands asking the guards to arrest him after he punches Laurent in grief.
Yes, Laurent apologises, but that too comes with him telling Damen that he was in fact glad when Theomedes and Damianos died. Like I said, salt in the wound, leaving Damen to feel the grief and guilt tenfold.
