in light of multiple recent events i should really just take american tradition away from all of you until everybody learns to not take advantage of how laid back i am. i am normally a very zen person but this has all made me extremely spiteful for the first time in years, and i find that very sad. i don’t want to be angry at anybody. i have very little rules and restrictions and somehow those are still broken. i let everybody do almost whatever they want with my work because i think its fun, and that’s still not enough for some people. things that would normally not bother me much (such as taking too much blatant inspiration) have begun to make me want to claw my eyes out due to the repeated disrespect.
this disturbing stalking thing might be the last nail in the coffin honestly. i’m just having trouble understanding why people seem to do this to me at such a statistically egregious level compared to other artists of my size. i barely post anymore or even draw in my free time because i dread what people are going to take from me next. this has gotten so bad that in the past year i almost always refuse to answer dms, follow anybody back, or reply to comments, and yet it’s gotten worse despite that. i’m at a loss.
mature content and psychosexual notes on praline and jude’s dynamic under the cut
an important detail i believe we’re all privy to is praline’s distant relationship with her father, who started to neglect her once she hit puberty because he saw her as a woman (whom he could only view sexually), and no longer a daughter. it caused a lot of festering insecurity in her and a need to act out for attention, among body issues and other things. it tore her away from her father in a very disgusting way that she didn’t know what to do with. it made her resent herself for what she’d grown into, and for not being able to be something he loved. praline feels that she can give jude the one thing she could never give her dad: sex. which sounds ghastly and outlandish but it makes a lot of sad sense. it manifests in this weird push and pull of her coyly putting herself on an innocent platter for him, him toeing the line of reciprocation, her wave of disgust, his retreat and avoidance, and then it starts all over again.
aside from disgust, praline also becomes incredibly angry when he rejects, often times spiraling even further. both outcomes usually result in her obsessing over her appearance and demeanor around him. you’ll frequently notice mentions of her becoming self conscious of her appearance when he compliments how she looks, or becoming embarrassed when she isn’t done up enough. there’s something about wearing his ex wife’s clothes that grinds her gears but also makes her sort of pompous, like she’s holding something over him. to her, rejection is a fate worse than death that means she’s worthless and uncared for, and desire is a knife in her gut that makes her look at herself and see how ridiculous she is.
praline also feels a familiar guilty arousal at the thought she’s not Supposed to do this and this is Bad and Wrong. bad and wrong is what she knows and what feels good. jude is sledge’s friend and nearly 10 years older than her. sure she logically knows other people would consider this dynamic perverted and creepy, but that’s what she likes about it. she’s been taken advantage of and preyed upon god knows how many times, there was a point a long time ago where she almost started to seek this out, even if it never made her feel any better (and was just as traumatizing every time, because it wasn’t simulated, or just born out of violence). i know she feels some sort of shame in wanting these kinds of things, but she still wants them. a lot of this shame also has to do with the stigma around women’s sexuality. you exhibitionist.
a lot of the time, praline even leans into this innocence that women are supposed to have. she doesn’t have sex, she doesn’t let anyone touch her (not really, not willingly, not entirely), she doesn’t let it be known that she has any desires whatsoever. she just dresses like that. you’re the pervert. there’s some vivid disgust at the idea of her outright wanting things, so she likes to pretend she doesn’t, and this was all your idea. that’s what’s safe to her. she wants you to think this was all your idea, because then she doesn’t feel quite as guilty. jude hates this because he likes this, just not really on her. or maybe he does. not sure. neither is he. jude is very repressed about his whole sex thing in the sense he doesn’t like to think about the things he likes, why he likes them, or even thinking about the possibility of doing any of it. it feels automatic, and he likes to think that’s all it is.
this double sided coin of innocence and promiscuity gives jude a really hard time. he’s not a stranger to deeply personal weirdness either, unable to make sense of her as a singular being and come to terms with both parts of her as one. jude was a father and a husband. he doesn’t know which one is right to be with her, strange as that sounds. i think praline knows that too, and it bothers both of them. jude does really care about her but he doesn’t know how, or how to make sense of what feelings he’s having. to be honest im not even entirely sure what he feels. he feels the need to take care of her and i think there is a conflicting sexual aspect to that which he does not want to confront, because he’s allergic to self reflection. i don’t think jude and praline are terrible people for either of their respective psychosexual crazies. i don’t think they should be in a room together but maybe that would do some good.
i’ve mentioned this somewhere else, but the actual location far gone and out is set in is washington, pennsylvania (about 30 minutes outside pittsburgh proper). i actually stayed in pittsburgh for a little while recently, and of course i was thinking of this the whole time. everclear, pixies, and pj harvey was the soundtrack the whole time.
since i mentioned it, i think very often of all the people who’ve told me they’ve had dreams and nightmares about american tradition. it’s an uncountable number at this point so i can’t keep track. ever since the first time people started having dreams i’ve held them very dear to me, because i feel like in a way, it reflects a lot of the story. when things die a long time ago, they still live somehow, through people and through dreams and thoughts. american tradition is about how nothing truly dies even when it does and when it never was. a lot of people have praline’s yearbook photo hanging in their room or in their wallet, and i’ve still never had a dream.
i’m about to get my period which means sledge and praline are at the devastating forefront of my mind. girl on death row and her guardian angel who’s looked over her since she was 15.
