A Farewell
January 9th
"CASSIS! I miss you! YOU need to come see me!" Justine’s voice makes me smile. Alone for the weekend I decided to call her and see if I could come hangout. I was having a beginning of the year meltdown attempting to figure out who I was, what I wanted to do with my life, where am I going, etc we all know the drill. I knew an evening with Justine would perk me right up, because that is what she does.
Justine and I have been friends since 2010, and our unlikely friendship is completely symbiotic in nature. I live logically, while Justine feels life, she follows the energy and flow of the universe. When we’d tackle a problem together she will often pry the window open while I’ll find an unlocked door. The beauty of it is sometimes we walk through the door, but sometimes she proves that the window is more inspired. We connected in a painting class because she was the only one who loved my dead mice still life and soon became inseparable. I would spend all hours at her apt, climbing the gate to the building and trudging the 5 stories to her rooftop studio. It was cozy and I felt at home amoung her clutter. We would work late into the night, and in the morning I would be there to get her up for class. we gave each other life advice, she got me drunk for the first time, and was with me while I pined after my first Love.
"I am moving to California at the end of the month!" She tells me over the phone, This hits me hard, see, I have been haunted by stop and go plans to move to Cali for the last year. I knew that Justine was also making the same plans, and just as I saw mine disappear one of my best friend’s tells me she is gonna make it. The long and short of why I won’t move yet is that my partner’s company wants to expand and move us to Cali, but last year they promised us we would be there by the end of the 2014 and then they told us the end of 2016, after I had quit my job and we began to make plans to move.
I immediately drove to Baltimore to see Justine. I knew that she would make me feel better, and encourage me. As we talked she told me that I should come on the trip with her. I could fly home whenever I wanted, or I could work with her in San Francisco until the summer, whatever I wanted. You know those moments where you can see the choices clearly? that moment when you know if you go one direction your life will change forever? I spent the night with her and the next day after getting delicious buns from our regular place I went home. All weekend I was in the throws of an emotional breakdown, attempting to figure out where my heart really was. Was it in California, the land of imaginary opportunity? Or was it with my partner; building a life with him, where ever that might be?
It didn’t take me very long to figure out what I truly wanted. Brandon and I talked a lot over the next few days. And ultimately we figured out a way for me to have it both ways… Brandon had to say to me over and over again. "Babe if you want to go on the the trip, just go. I think that it will be really good for you, don’t worry about money. and whenever you are ready to come home we will get you a plane ticket." After much consideration I made the necessary arrangements. And the rest is history, or rather, there are posts about what happened next.
February 1st
When I returned to Frederick from Pittsburgh something inside me had changed. and I will probably never be able to pinpoint how it happened. I had been feeding my wanderlust for over a year. So much so that I refused to really connect with people and I refused to get involved in the art community around me. I refused to do anything that felt like settling. much to the frustration of my parents and peers around me I am sure. since 2013, I had been attempting to make moving plans, and was continuously forced to push the date to the future. But after Pittsburgh I knew that my wanderlust was completely gone. suddenly I was excited to join the ceramic studio, maybe even sell some pieces. Suddenly I was more than ok with living in Frederick or anywhere for that matter. I had no connection to California or deep need to go there anymore. I felt freed from some self induced prison.
Brandon told me that I should still go on the road trip because it would be an amazing adventure, but that if I truly did not want to continue that I did not have to. I decided to keep going.
February 10th
Its getting close to the middle of February and we are still in Richmond. In my perfect world I had assumed that I would be flying home from San Francisco next week and as I look at the calendar and realize that we could be on the road for another three weeks before we reached California. I feel like being here in Richmond is my last chance to turn back and go home before I will need to ship my effects back and get on a plane. If I continued on the road trip but really couldn’t make it another week I would need to fly home, and I would need to ship my art supplies home. I have plans and engagements waiting for me in Frederick next week that I don’t want to cancel…. Brandon, ever my rock, listened to my reasoning. "I think that you still need to go on the trip, when I went on tour it wasn’t perfect but it wouldn’t have given it up" "But, what kind of time will I have if I spend the entire trip just waiting until I can come home? I am thrilled about living in Frederick now and I really want to start building something." "I will come get you if that is what you want, but I don’t want you to have any regrets." "Its ok babe, I think I have found something I love more than traveling." I called my dad looking for advice and I got it. He told me it sounded like I wanted to come home and that was ok. I thanked him for putting up with me when I ignored his advice and he replied that if I needed him he would come and pick me up….
So that is that, it is time for me to go home. I love Justine and I am super grateful for the opportunity to check out of my life for a while and see how the other half lives. Brandon picked me up and we headed back home. <3