Well. The answer can be summed up in two words: Iemitsu and fuck-up. The fucking idiot trash is living down to Xanxus expectations. It’s incredible just how much one man can Utterly Fail at his job.
It’d be hilarious if the bastard hadn’t dragged Xanxus down with him. Though, saying it like that would imply that the fucking trash were here with Xanxus. He’s not. No, Xanxus is all on his own in fucking Great Britain in the middle of Bumfuck-Nowhere in a village called Fuckery-St. Asshole. Something like that. Fuck, he needs a drink.
He gets stared at by fucking civilian trash and it grates on his nerves. The grocery store only has cheap beer. Not even cheap wine, what the hell is this shit.
Four cans of shitty beer later and there’s still no magical solution to anything. Trashes are still staring. He sits in the middle of the marketplace on this ugly-as-shit fountain thing, drinks his beer and flips gawkers off occasionally. Or gives them the death glare. Fucking civilians. Can’t even kill trash like that.
So there he sits. Cracks open another shitty beer. Sun’s beating down, but it’s got nothing on the Italian sun.
His own mobile’s dead just like this stupid village.
...He could get up and find a phone somewhere here.
Nah. Drink another shitty beer, take a nap. Let the shitty old man maybe remember Xanxus’ existence. Iemitsu might even get in trouble this time. Though Xanxus wouldn’t bet on it. Fucker is slippery as shit and his shitty old man adores him. Would probably say it’s all Xanxus fault. Just one more reason to wait with his return.
Huh, they’re staring less now. Whispering more, though.
Staring at something else? He cracks open an eye.
There’s a girl. Like, not just a girl, a fucking kid. Small, somewhere between four and seven years old. Looks like some shitty fairy. No, really. She’s tiny. Has blond hair. Rainbow dress. Bare feet. Spins her way across the marketplace. Also, some glittery shit in her hair that looks like antlers. The fuck’s going on with that kid?
She spins her way over to Xanxus. That’s a first, normally they run, or the parents drag them away.
“Hello,” she says airily. Large silver-grey eyes look at him without any hint of fear. Kid’s either got some balls or no brain.
“The fuck’re you doing spinning around like that, trash? Where’re your shoes?” Xanxus snarls at her.
“Spinning wards off Wrackspurts,” she answers, tilting her head. “So do butterbeer corks, but I lost my necklace. My shoes grew wings and flew away.” She smiles. “Like Hippogriffs, but smaller.”
Crazy. She’s crazy. The crazy ones always come to Xanxus. Just look at his track record. All his Guardians are crazy.
“The concentration of Wrackspurts around your head is exceptionally low,” she continues. “Do your feathers do that? My antlers don’t seem as effective. Then again, I lost the keypiece in the explosion.”
“Explosion?” Fuck yeah, an explosion. Explosions are cool. And he’s so bored. Might as well check it out.
“Oh yes, my house exploded, I flew all the way here from the Rookery, it was quite exciting and I even met a Cloudrabbit on the way.” She spins around and points in a random direction. “There.”
Indeed, there’s a plume of deep purple smoke.
“Mommy was experimenting again, you see. Daddy was looking for Gulping Plimpies, he’s on dinner duty.”
“And you?” Xanxus unfolds his legs, stands up and stretches. His joints crack. He’s been slouching on that fountain for hours.
“I was looking for Cloudrabbits on the roof.” Her face lights up with a smile. “How lucky that I met one. Sometimes the oddest things help us find what we’re looking for. Wrackspurts. Explosions.”
“Good for you,” he snorts.
“Say, are you a Heliopath? You seem so bright.” She tilts her head. “I’ve never met one before.”
And now the crazy is getting interesting. “Your name, trash.”
She frowns a bit. “It’s not very kind to call people trash.”
Xanxus rolls his eyes. “Then tell me your damn name.”
“Luna,” she answers. “Luna Lovegood.”
“Ever heard of stranger danger, Loony?”
“Is that a nickname? Are we friends now?” She smiles at him guilelessly. Kid’s obviously a fucking moron. “I don’t have a lot of friends besides the Cloudrabbits. Ginny is nice though. She kicks Ronald’s shins when he is unkind.”
“You wanna go to your house, Loony?”
She beams at him. Lights up like a damn Varia Christmas tree (they always burn it down). “Yes, please!”
Luna slips her tiny hand into his - damn, his guard was down - and it happens.
