I’ve sat down to write this article countless times, and at each sitting I find myself struggling to find the right words to express the depth of what femslash means to me. I keep searching for the right angle to make this an interesting and worthwhile read, but what I’ve found is that my story is very similar to many others in that femslash, for lack of a better phrase, saved me, and continues to save me every day.
I knew I was a lesbian when I was seven. I mean. I didn’t know that I was a lesbian, but I knew. My best friend’s cousin told us matter-of-factly what the word meant. He didn’t seem to see anything wrong with it, and so I didn’t hesitate to tell my brothers that I would “rather be a lesbian with my [female best friend]” than ever even think of having a crush on her brother. I remember this getting back to my mother, and we had a talk the next time I visited my friend. It was a proper sit down. Three parents, my best friend, her brother, and me.
“Did you say that. Did you say you’d rather be a lesbian? Do you know what that word means? Who told you? I don’t think you really understand what it means. Never say it again. It’s a bad word.”
I remember the distinctly sick feeling I had after that conversation, and the nightly prayers I began saying to myself “Dear God, please don’t let me be a lesbian.”
This continued for…approximately eight years. The continual back and forth with myself. I’d pray, and pray, and pray. I’d invent crushes for myself. I’d convince myself that I couldn’t possibly be interested in girls. I went to church every week, and I never let myself think too hard or too long about why all of my favorite characters were female, or why my best friend spending time with other girls in our class made my chest hurt.
I joined tumblr when I was fifteen and at this point in my life I was well and truly steeped in heteronormativity. I shipped plenty of heterosexual pairings. I never stanned f/f relationships in any of the media I consumed, and I had plenty of “girl-crushes”. “I just want to be like them!” It was the mantra I repeated to myself over and over again as I hung photos of middle-aged actresses on my walls. There was a slow and steady decline from this point on, or rather a slow and steady ascension toward being unapologetically gay as hell. (yay!)
During my eight year stretch of suppression and angst I had definitely read femslash, but rarely anything substantial, and I had always felt pretty guilty afterwards. The introduction to tumblr brought the introduction of femslash creators - women who were open within this community, women who were creating incredible content that in a lot of cases went ignored by the larger portion of fandom. Getting to know these women, and being exposed to their art was beyond comforting. It was like a homecoming, an eternal. cushy, safe space filled with the best kind of people.
During this time I began to entertain the idea that I was not entirely straight, and a little less than a year later Last Tango in Halifax was airing. I’m going to go ahead and credit Caroline/Kate’s relationship with kicking me out of the closet. While that relationship didn’t go in the direction I was hoping, it was watching the interactions between those two middle aged women…those women who weren’t cast for male consumption…that made me realize basically everything I wanted in life. That moment felt a lot like my birthday. I came out after that, and ended up dating my best friend who I’d met on tumblr when I was fifteen. It was like everything clicked into place, and after that the femslash poured forth. I dabbled in ficlets that I published on a private blog, and sent to just a few of my friends (I was never really a writer), and then it morphed into giffing and edits for rare pairs, or whichever two /older women were being ignored in a series. It morphed again around this time last year when I began watching Star Trek, and I HAD to somehow make Janeway and Seven kiss. So…fanart. I’d abandoned drawing years before due to good ole’ insecurity. But the power of lesbian subtext forced me right out of that comfort zone and into a doodling frenzy. I will say that the majority of my drawing since then has been for the Cat/Kara pairing from Supergirl. Those characters, and their fandom have truly been the ones to propel me forward through a sea of self doubt.
I’m thankful every day for the people, and the pairings that pushed me back into creating. Drawing for f/f pairings is one of the most therapeutic things I’ve ever done. It gave me a new sense of purpose, and a better grasp on what I want out of life..thus the “it saved me” aspect of it. Femslash has been at the center of so many incredible things in my life. It’s my constant. The thing that helped me discover myself. The thing that is my comfort, and my happiness, and the source of my creativity. It’s brought me the things I love most. My partner, my friends, and this entire community. It gives me something to look forward to each and every day, and fills me with hope for future generations of wlw. Thank you, to the women who give pieces of themselves to fandom, who spend their time creating beautiful things for this community. Thank you for this space, and for your stories, and for your art all of which allowed me to know myself. Thank you from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
About the author:
Jackie is a 22 year old lesbian. She draws primarily for Supergirl, but is always open to drawing for other femslash pairings. In the future, she’d like to attend art school, and go on to create original content revolving around wlw, with a focus on inclusion. You can find her tumblr here , and her twitter here.
