Discover Top Posts Tagged with #cave blogging

alphabetical diaries really is wonderful in how it lays bare so many people's ongoing madness about self + sex even over years and years of growth. got me thinking abt my sex deal and how all of this would have felt so pertinent to me at a certain time in my life + probably forever as i grew up, + sure it still might. long story short at 17 i snapped back to life post-quarantine and realized i needed to start t and i'd been trying to undo my identity completely and surrender to the faceless eternal etc.

Started t, suddenly i had a body. and it clarified everything i'd ever wanted from the material world, sex, etc, but also very teen boy derangement, desire sprawl, whatever, i felt very limitless + heti describes something very similar.

And then a series of things combined that makes this feel inevitable which is very sad but also tolerable if there's nowhere to place blame + i went through some very serious sexual trauma, medical trauma, hard to assign it to other bodies like in the case of rape. Basically autistic disconnect from body, menopause from t, prior medical trauma from infancy, + neglect at the hands of at least six different doctors who happened to be the only doctors i had access to.

So i had my life stopped by this intense pain + dysfunction bc if i didnt stop i probably wouldnt survive, and i had to stop t, and i realized after all that amazing self-discovery and retrieval of my body i still didn't know how to take care of myself + be a body.. so like u know, stopping t your sex drive plummets, being in pain it's the same, but also i was just. Totally unmoored + still existing as a massive sprawl of self + speculative desire but now without a self, because going off of t was devastating for me. So that's where L came from btw, that spring of bare subsistence + constant pain + afterlife. it's still shocking to me today whenever i feel real sexual desire + it used to come so naturally and freely to me. very weird. not sure how to put that in cave without writing explicitly from life

#cave blogging #h

God they* were right when they said u gotta leave your phone in the other room to have any control over ur mind these days. Reading alphabetical diaries and im feeling it stronger than ever today this weird, weird tension im having w my own character li who is always starved rotten and quite clearly needs something shes not getting but im also looking for her and everythings echoing back like yea good luck, shes not coming back, you'll never be that way again. But my body is exactly the same with all the same pains that made me lonely sleepless and disrupted like that huh. And that bitch r literally just bounced into the room humming like innocence

#h #*jenny #cave blogging #sad im feeling sad for no reason. Sketch html outline w1 get to L soon soon soon omfg why is it so sore like this.

It was crazy when i tried to write back to lianna and myself in spring/summer 24 and i couldnt i just wrote myself a little dirt nest to huddle in for the way i am now having been beaten down & bent by it all.

#cave blogging #😁#ive never had that experience before with a character like.#To get to the “end” of my thesis or wtv and look back only to realize that “lianna” does exist does refer to some state of personhood #but that i completely wrote someone else who both Is me and was never me.#h #While ambiguously trying to work stuff out by fictionalizing my experience but also dedicating myself to Telling the story #since thats the only way this works right.#but never committing one way or another & ending up ??#just like i did w the first dual pov story like indelible arrangement of scenes and moods. Who are these people where am i

im thinking lianna thinks in images towards the beginning u know but then scent presents this non-pictorial virtuality thats not Just a virtuality.. and to access it she turns naturally to language, accruing all these words etc etc quantities but they dont help her because quantities are change, not category (hejinian) & as her language evolves the bounds of identity chafe again against the world & its metaphysics and a scratched-thin place appears & language is still ultimately estrangement & floating witness what must we do..

#h #cave blogging #cave

there has to be a way to put L in charge of the language in the way D so specifically sets all the textual/textural/material qualities of the language in sync with his consciousness. also aww. Three of my main characters have "ann" in their names somehow ann is the name of my childhood bestie.

#h #cave blogging

founding tenets. 1. dont fall into the trap of youth culture 2. eat some food keep ur body going. 3. You cant fit everything into a book!! i know you want to i know u can see so much more richness & depth than what u assume is there (bc u get very easily desensitized to what is there & devalue it unnecessarily). But can you finish the book.

#h #cave blogging