Having a hard night again.
Cried and no one noticed again. My mom hates herself more than she loves me so she would rather be cold and distant towards me because well I don’t know why. She made us so enmeshed and now she resents me for wanting anything. For wanting her around or for trying to get better or for wanting her to get better. I can’t win. It’s so painful. I feel so alone and it’s all so hard to get out of and the pain is unending and always building. No matter what choice I make I always end up hurting so so much. I have to question if she actually loves me at all or just resents me. I can’t even talk to her because she won’t talk to me about anything. I guess she doesn’t want to have a relationship with me or not a real one. Just a superficial one. I’m pretty sure she resents me for wanting her in my life. It all sucks. I do wish she had just aborted me in the first place, it would be nice to not exist. Instead she had me and doesn’t want to work on anything and would rather just give up. Like why have kids? I get me but why have another?