#cerpen?

[puspitads]

Never Grow Up

Your little hand wrapped around my fingers, and it is so quiet in the world tonight Your little eyelids flutter cause you’re dreaming so I tucked you in and turn on your favorite night light

To you everything is funny, You’ve got nothing to regret I’d give you all I had honey, if you can stay like that

The 1st  Winter,

The raindrop has just stopped, and it was really still inside the house. You slept peacefully, no tossing around, no fussing, no crying. It was always like that, raindrops has always been the perfect lullaby for you. Carefully, I tried to remove your little hands off my fingers. You stirred, causing me to stop my movement, afraid that I would wake you up from your deep slumber. I then used my other hand to pull the blanket, making sure to keep you warm.

Still with my free hand, I caressed your head, and my focus stopped at the scar around your temple. You . . . fell, while playing yesterday. I swore I was running as hard as I could to prevent you from falling, but somehow I was still not fast enough. My heart was racing, but then I heard you laughing when I was helping you up. And although I saw it often, I still didn’t get how you could laugh after falling.

That’s the thing about you though, you laughed a lot. You laughed as often as you fell. And at that moment, that fact calmed me, ‘my daughter is a fighter’ I thought. That was until I saw the blood, that was when it felt like time stopped. Sure you fell often, as I could never seem to stop you from running around, but never until you bled, never this bad. I didn’t even remember how your laughter morphed into a muffled sob and then a full-scale cry, but I remembered I felt my heart dropped right then.

My heart ached seeing that scar. It felt like it was being torn apart. But then I remembered something. Growing up, I could count with my hand the time I cried due to physical pain. It was the crying due to emotional pain that I lost count. The emotional pain, that you’re bound to experienced later in life as part of growing up. Imagining you growing up, my heart ached a little more. And without me realizing, I made a wordless prayer. I prayed to Allah. I prayed for you to never get hurt. I prayed that I would be strong enough to protect you from any harm. I prayed that I you would have no more scars. I prayed that I could be strong enough to prevent people or things from scaring you. And for a split second, I wished for the impossible, for you to grow up slowly or even never grow up. But I realized the next second, that it was a silly and stupid wish.

So I continued praying. I prayed that you never get hurt, not too bad, not too hard.  

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little

Oh darling, don’t you ever grow up, it could stay this simple

I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break you heart

And no one will desert you, just try to never grow up

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The idea has been sitting in my head for around a year, heavily inspired by Never Grow Up from Taylor Swift. Planning to finished and posted the story exactly on the Mother’s day, but yeah, things happened. I got unexpectedly busy this December, and as expected I got lazy. I could have forced myself and posted it on time, but the quality wouldn’t satisfy me. So I settled with finishing in on my pace, posting in it parts as motivation, and hopefully will finish it satisfyingly.

Till next part!

[puspitads]

Her: Prologue

"Hey! How are you?"

I stared at the message I sent weeks ago. There was still no reply. It's been months since the last updates from her, not like I kept count though. After all, the most I would do was pressing the like button. Well, at least that's what happened in the past 3 or 4 years.

Sure, it was not always like that. We were best friend. That's it, before college happened. At first, we still frequently contacted each other through personal chats and calls. Then come the booming era of social media, we transitioned to commenting on each other's update. Though that didn't last long, since I wasn't much of social media person, we still personally contacted each other on special occasion however. We were still fine, not as close as before but still close enough, until we were not.

7 years ago we were best friend, then we turned to good friend, until somehow we became only friend. Sometime I wondered if you felt it too, the change in our dynamic. But even if we felt the same thing, we never showed it. Along the way, we just stopped contacting, stopped commenting. The only way I knew we hadn't actually stopped caring was the trail of likes we left on each other's updates. Although honestly, I wasn't sure whether that was you caring or simply being nice. I just knew that I still cared, though I did a really bad job at showing it.

Thinking about it from outsider's perspective, it might look like a natural thing that we gradually grew apart. Right after high school graduation, we pursued our own dreams while living miles away from each other. We barely went home due to the hectic university life, and even if we did we couldn't meet up because our holiday barely overlapped. The frequency of our calls and chats also decreased as we met new friends and make new bonds. Some of the new bonds grew tighter as we struggle to finish our study, as we maneuvered our life into adulthood. And somehow, the old bonds grew loose.

Theoretically speaking, it was just the natural course of life. People changed, those who were around came and gone, priorities shifted. Of course, there were some exceptions where friendship actually lasted. But even if ours did not, it was not necessarily a bad thing, especially if we didn't drift apart on a bad term. The question was, did we not really? Though there were no exchange of foul words, was there really no bitter feeling deep in our heart? We, drifting apart, was it really out of our control?

I often thought back to that one day. Asking to myself, had I done thing differently, would we not grow apart? Would we still be close? Deep down, I guess I actually realized that I took quite a part in pushing us apart. Often too slow on responding calls or replying chats, often too lazy on initiating the first contact, often too calculating on making sacrifice. Often, I was not good enough of a best friend. But you stayed nevertheless. Then come that one day. It felt like something simple back then, but somehow it haunted me with guilt that made me wanted to be an actual best friend.

It was supposed to be a good thing, the guilt. After all, it made me want to change for the better. Too bad though, I was terrible at handling guilt back then. I did wanted to return your kindness and be an actual best friend, but the guilt weighed me down. I was too ashamed to try becoming your best friend again. I was too busy thinking what you thought of me after the mistake I did. I was too afraid to actually find out, too scared that I'd meet rejection. And so, I settled on being only friend from afar. I was being a coward who were too scared to face the consequences of the choices I made.

"Hey! How are you?"

I focused back on the message again. I remembered the courage I had to muster before finally sending that. I remembered I was kinda worried because it was not like you to not update anything in a long period of time.

'Did something happen? Or were she just tired of the social media life? Should I call her considering it's weekend? But who was I to suddenly call her, what was I going to say anyway?'

Questions raced in my head, but the last question win, and once again I settled on doing nothing and just waiting for your reply.

This time, I wrote longer than usual to make up for the several days I missed. Honestly I am quite satisfied with it, just hoping there weren't much writing error hehe. Anyway, I am planning this to be a continuous story. I am not sure where will this go, but I do have some plans. I guess I'll just see how this evolve.

[puspitads]

I hate me

‘I hate me. And hearing you said those things makes me hate me more.’

That was the last thing she said before we parted the last time we met, which was almost a week ago. I tried to reach out to her, I sent messages, I made calls, but it was to no avail. I don’t stop trying though. She is my friend and I can’t just let her be. That outburst was too sudden that it ensured me she must have held it for so long and it pained me. It pained me that I knew nothing about what she’s going through.

She’s a nice person, she’s a good friend. Heck! Sometimes I even envied her, so why would she hate herself? What happened to her that made her harbor such a thought? No matter how hard I thought about it, I can’t find the answer and it bothers me. That’s why I keep contacting her. Not necessarily because I want an answer, but also because I want to know if she is fine, if she needs a company. But she never contacted me back. I got a letter instead,

REASON WHY I HATE ME: I am a terrible person.

“You know what’s scary? Knowing that it was not always Shaytan. In fact, it was your own self all along. The monster was none other than the very shadow that lurked in your soul.”

Remember when I used to blame the situation or Shaytan when I couldn’t do good deeds? That was actually my own fault. I was just making excuses.

You see? I always questioned out loud how could people do those bad and inhuman things and make this world such a cruel place to live in when they are humans with consciousness and heart, but in fact, I am not that different from them.

I could easily pinpoint what others are lacking and how they should fix it as if I am better than them. I could fluently give speech about how important it is to spread kindness and be good to others. The truth? I would be very proud of myself for doing a good deed that any decent human being would do, simply because I am so used to being bad that it’s so rare for me to do good deeds.

And each time you said that I was a nice person and treated me as if I’ve been a good friend, I died a little inside. Did you know how much I wanted to tell you about the real me, the rotten me? Did you know how suffocating it was to have to put on a fake smile because I couldn’t get the words out of my mouth? Did you know that sometimes at night I wondered how much you would hate me if you could see through my facade?

Right now you are questioning just what kind of bad things that I actually do, aren’t you? You may have thought about some scenarios. But trust me, it could have been worse than whatever you’re thinking right now. You could have even felt betrayed because you would never thought that I am that kind of person.

Ah, realizing and admitting like this makes me hate me more. And I actually thought that I have been a better person when I am still this bad. Just how bad I was back then?

I always know that I am not a good person. But still, realizing that I am far worse than the bad person I always thought I am is overwhelming.

Anyway, as for now I need time for myself. I’m sorry for everything.

My mind was in a daze. The revelations just fueled more questions, everything was too much. But I knew one thing for sure, I needed to meet her. I will find her and talk directly to her. I have to.

*Freely correct me if you find any mistakes.

[puspitads]

Of inevitable goodbyes and upcoming hellos (2)

Apa aku siap dengan semua itu? Belum. Aku masih sibuk dengan rinduku. Aku masih perlu membiasakan diri dengan kekosongan-kekosongan ini. Aku masih akan sibuk mengendalikan perasaanku. Aku sama sekali belum siap…

Namun, malam ini saat aku memikirkan ulang semua yang kulalui sejak kemarin malam, semua yang kualami selama 4 tahun terakhir, tiba-tiba aku merasa malu dengan diriku sendiri. Aku malu karena bertingkah layaknya anak kecil yang sedang merajuk. Aku malu sudah bersikap layaknya seseorang yang tidak tahu caranya bersyukur.

Perkenalan, “Halo!”, perpisahan, “Selamat Tinggal”, bukankah semua itu keniscayaan?  Semua itu adalah scene yang memang pasti ada di hidup kita. Lalu kenapa aku membuatnya seolah itu adalah hal yang begitu besar yang akan merubah hidupku? Well, tentu saja hidupku cepat atau lambat akan berubah setelah melaluinya. Tapi bukankah sudah sewajarnya kehidupan yang kita jalani terus berubah dan tidak berhenti stagnan di satu titik? Selama kita memastikan perubahannya ke arah yang lebih baik, tidak ada yang salah dengan perubahan, kan?

Lalu dengan kekosongan, apa kenangan-kenangan yang tercipta selama 4 tahun ini tidak cukup untuk mengisinya? Aku seharusnya bersyukur sudah dipertemukan dengan mereka, sempat menulis kisah bersama untuk dikenang, dan sempat membuat berbagai memori untuk diingat. Bukankah semua yang pernah mereka berikan dan mereka tinggalkan seharusnya cukup untuk menemaniku? Seharusnya aku tersenyum dan memberikan semangat untuk mereka, toh menjadi seseorang yang pergi bisa jadi lebih susah dibanding ditinggal pergi.

Kemudian dengan kesendirian, bagaimana bisa aku merasa bahwa aku sendiri? Toh mereka tetap dekat meskipun secara fisik jarak yang memisahkan cukup jauh. Toh mereka tidak akan benar-benar pergi dari hidupku, kecuali aku yang sengaja membiarkan mereka pergi. Bagaimana bisa aku merasa sendiri saat aku punya pribadi-pribadi baru untuk dikenal? Toh semua orang penting di hidupku –selain keluarga– kutemukan melalui perkenalan. Dan yang terpenting, bagaimana bisa aku merasa sendiri saat Allah sudah berjanji Dia tidak akan meninggalkan hambaNya sendirian?

Lantas apa lagi yang kuresahkan? Bukankah semuanya sudah direncanakan dan merupakan bagian dari rencanaNya yang indah? Bukankah kadang kita hanya perlu merelakan dan mengikhlaskan? Ketidaksiapanku? Tentu saja aku tidak akan siap untuk menghadapinya jika aku tidak pernah mempersiapkan diri untuk itu. Kesiapan pun perlu dipersiapkan, kan?

Yesterday, I thought that I will never get over our goodbye. Today, I realize that any goodbye doesn’t really matter as we never really part way.

Dengan iringan bunyi tetes air sisa hujan dan semilir angin malam, Jakarta, 15 Februari 2017

[puspitads]

Of inevitable goodbyes and upcoming hellos

I don’t remember how we said our first hello, but that doesn’t matter. At least I remember we said goodbye with hope that we’d meet and say hello again, that’s what matters.

Jendela-jendela kaca raksasa, interior-interior mewah nan mengkilap, hingga taman buatan indoor yang sudah mampu memberikan kesan sejuk meskipun belum selesai dibangun. Rasanya aku tidak ingat pernah berharap bisa mengunjungi tempat ini, but there I was, mengagumi kemegahannya sambil mencoba mengabaikan perasaan tidak menyenangkan yang terus mengingatkan alasan sesungguhnya aku di sana, mengantar kepergian orang-orang yang selama 4 tahun ini berperan penting di hidupku. Aku di sana untuk melepaskan.

Ada saat ketika aku benar-benar berhasil mengabaikan emosiku, ketika canda, senyum, dan tawa masih dengan mudahnya pecah. Saat itu aku tidak bertanya kapan aku akan bisa mengulang momen ini lagi. Pun saat pelukan demi pelukan yang diiringi derai air mata dan ucapan selamat tinggal datang, pertanyaan itu belum muncul. Aku ingat perasaan tidak menyenangkan itu kembali datang, aku ingat ingin ikut meneteskan air mata namun tidak bisa, tapi lebih dari semuanya, aku ingat saat itu merasakan kehangatan, jadi aku hanya menikmati momen itu.

Aku tidak berpikir jauh. Seolah mereka akan kembali dengan senyuman dari gate lain dalam waktu dekat.  Seolah apapun yang terjadi di sana tidak mungkin menjadi yang terakhir. Aku tidak berpikir jauh. Tidak, sampai tadi pagi.

Kursi-kursi yang sekarang kosong, antrean dengan wajah-wajah familiar yang tidak lagi terlihat, hingga hiruk-pikuk yang mendadak digantikan dengan keheningan akhirnya memaksaku untuk sadar. Bahwa kemarin malam aku benar-benar melepas, bahwa kemarin malam bukanlah perpisahan layaknya libur semester biasanya, bahwa aku tidak tahu pasti kapan bisa bertemu mereka lagi setelah kemarin malam. Menyadari itu, rasanya suhu ruangan menjadi semakin membekukan, koridor-koridor menjadi semakin lengang dan dingin, dan entah bagaimana kesunyian justru terasa memekakkan telinga. Dan meskipun terdengar konyol, aku menyesal karena tidak ikut menetaskan air mata.

Mungkin. Mungkin jika kemarin malam ikut menangis rasanya tidak akan se-menyesakkan ini. Mungkin jika aku juga ikut pergi rasanya akan berbeda. Mungkin, mungkin. I can’t help but thinking several versions of that ‘maybe . . .’

Dan seolah semua pikiran serta emosi yang campur-aduk itu belum cukup, kenyataan kembali menghadang, membawa papan bertuliskan ‘MOVE ON!’. Mengingatkanku bahwa ada hati, niat, dan tekat yang harus ditata ulang. Bahwa ada beberapa perkenalan dan pengenalan yang akan segera datang. Bahwa aku tidak begitu saja bisa berpaling dan berharap pulang. Apa aku siap dengan semua itu? Belum. Aku masih sibuk dengan rinduku. Aku masih perlu membiasakan diri dengan kekosongan-kekosongan ini. Aku masih akan sibuk mengendalikan perasaanku. Aku sama sekali belum siap. . .

Dengan iringan rintik hujan, Jakarta, 14 Februari 2017

[puspitads]

Kencan sama Buku

“Seneng rasanya melihat beberapa hal ternyata masih sama, masih belum berubah. Seneng rasanya tau kalau mereka masih serame, sekonyol, dan semenghibur dulu. Aku sempet kangen sisi itu dari mereka.”

Dia menceletuk tiba-tiba, masih melihat layar ponselnya sambil tersenyum. Sekilas aku melirik ponselnya dan tanpa sengaja melihat sedikit dari apa yang sedang diperhatikannya. Percakapannya dengan teman SMAnya. “Kamu nggak akan ngomong gitu 4 tahun yang lalu,” komentarku.

“Karena 4 tahun lalu aku bahkan nggak mikir kalau kami bakal pisah dan dalam prosesnya masing-masing dari kami akan berubah,” balasnya sekenanya dengan mata masih terpaku di layar.

Tapi toh dia tidak salah, “Bener. Sama.”

“Apanya?” kali ini dia mendongak.

“3 tahun lalu, kalau kamu bilang aku akan rindu saat-saat ketika kamu mengabaikanku hanya untuk kencan dengan buku selama semalaman, aku pasti ngira kamu sedang ngelindur, sedang mimpi,” jawabku sambil memutar ulang memori semester pertama.

“Ini sindiran?” tanyanya sedikit tergelak.

“Kapan terakhir kali kencan sama buku?” tanyaku balik, mengabaikan pertanyaannya, mengabaikan ajakan tersiratnya untuk bercanda.

Entah dia sadar atau tidak, dia berubah. Dan beberapa perubahannya disayangkan. Lebih dari sekedar frekuensi kencan dengan buku yang menurun, passionnya, kerja-kerasnya, ketekunannya, kadang aku merindukan hal itu.

Raut mukanya sedikit berubah. Mengesampingkan isi kepalaku, aku pun tersenyum kemudian tertawa kecil.

“PR ya. Kasih tahu aku kalau udah ada jawabannya,” tambahku akhirnya.

Mendengarnya dia ikut tertawa kecil, “Oke, ingetin aku ya kalau aku punya PR.”

“Sepertinya tugasku yang satu ini, jadi alarm sekaligus task reminder mu, nggak akan berubah.”

Kami berdua tertawa. Dan aku bersyukur malam itu aku tidak perlu memalsukan kata manis. Ini langkah awal yang baik untuk misi membuatnya rujuk dengan buku, misi mengenalkannya pada sisi baik dari dia yang dulu.

Malam 21 Ramadhan 1437 H Dalam perjalanan Jakarta - Jombang, perjalanan pulang

[puspitads]

Dia menghela nafas panjang, kelelahan tergurat jelas di wajahnya. Dan dari caranya berkedip aku bisa menebak bahwa kelopak matanya telah bertambah berat entah berapa kali lipat. Mungkin dia butuh tidur, atau istirahat lebih tepatnya. Iya istirahat, bukan sekedar tidur melainkan mengistirahatkan tubuhnya, juga pikirannya.

Aku menepuk pundaknya dan dia menoleh kepadaku, tersenyum lemas, “Hei!”

Kuberikan senyum selebar mungkin sebagai balasan, berharap itu cukup untuk menyingkirkan sedikit lelahnya.

"Kok lemes banget?" tanyaku basa-basi. Bukannya apa-apa, tapi orang bilang berbagi cerita bisa meringankan bebanmu.

"Kelihatan?" tanyanya retoris, sesaat kemudian dia mengendikkan bahu. "Entahlah, mungkin sudah saatnya berhenti."

"Ini mungkin melelahkan, memang melelahkan. Tapi kamu harus tahu kalau kamu tidak pernah sendiri. Yaa, meskipun teman yang di sampingmu saat ini cuma bisa sekedar bicara sepertiku."

Dia tertawa ringan, sementara aku tersenyum kecut dan melanjutkan, “Kamu punya orang tuamu yang selalu menyebutmu dalam do’anya. Terlebih, kamu punya Dia yang Maha Kuasa untuk mengabulkan do’a. Kamu punya Allah.”

Dia tersenyum, kali ini tidak lagi selemas tadi. Dia tampak membuka mulutnya hendak mengucapkan terima kasih tapi aku mendahuluinya.

“Tidak perlu berterima kasih. I am a great friend, I know,“ ucapku sambil tersenyum dan mengangguk mantap.

Mendengar candaan itu, dia melengos sambil menggelengkan kepalanya. Aku tertawa. Tapi aku tidak bercanda, tidak pada kalimat pertamaku. Karena toh sebenarnya aku hanya menasihati diriku sendiri. 

[puspitads]

Kenapa begitu yakin?

“Apa yang akan kutanyakan mungkin terdengar kasar tapi kau harus tahu bahwa aku tidak bermaksud apa-apa. Aku hanya benar-benar penasaran.”

"Apa?” jawabku singkat.

"Kamu yakin pekerjaanmu itu bisa kamu selesaikan dalam waktu singkat? Kamu yakin itu sesuatu yang bisa kamu selesaikan kapanpun kamu berniat menyelesaikannya?”

“Terkadang aku berpikir begitu, tapi aku sadar itu salah. Aku tidak sehebat itu.”

“Lalu apakah kamu merasa sudah sering memudahkan urusan orang lain sehingga kamu merasa sudah selayaknya urusanmu dimudahkan oleh Allah?”

Aku menggeleng, lidahku mulai kelu, “Tidak, belum. Terkadang aku terlalu egois.“

“Apa kamu selalu sholat tepat waktu dan rajin sholat atau puasa sunnah? Atau kamu tidak pernah melewatkan sholat Dhuha dan rajin beribadah di sepertiga malam?”

Tidak. 

“Lalu kenapa begitu yakin bahwa kamu bisa menyelesaikan dan melewati semua ini dengan lancar? Apa ada amalan hebatmu yang mendasari keyakinan itu?“

Tidak, tidak ada.

Tapi aku masih terdiam, tidak bisa langsung menjawab. Mulutku tertutup rapat. Aku benar-benar tercekat, Terlalu malu untuk memberikan jawaban apa adanya, terlalu merasa hina atas jawaban yang kupunya.  (C) Puspitads