#ch: garibaldi

[vengeanceoftheflowers]

An Archive of Our Own, a project of the Organization for Transformative Works

@fandomtrumpshate 2018 auction fic for @robininthelabyrinth!

[vengeanceoftheflowers]

Garibaldi stared at the glass of water in front of him, and pretended to listen to Londo complain about G'Kar. He was overwhelmed, confused, lost, and hurt, by people he'd loved and lost. He loved Lise, had loved her for years. But he'd walked out on her the second Jeff had walked in and said he was needed on Babylon 5. 

Maybe it was because he was virtually unemployable, drowning at the bottom of a bottle as he was. Or maybe he was a little bit in love with Jeff, and that influenced his decision. Okay, more than a little in love with Jeff. But he was in love with Lise, and he'd walked out on her, because she wasn't in love with him. For her, he was an idle distraction, a plaything. And he hadn't known that he was in love with Jeff until recently, until Jeff had disappeared.

 "Disappeared", hah. More like "up and left for Minbar without so much as a 'by your leave' or 'so long Mike'," while he was laid out in Medlab recovering from being shot in the back by his own second-in-command. But it was the only thing that made sense, because if he wasn't in love with Jeff, he shouldn't be hurting so much, shouldn't have needed Jeff to help him, shouldn't have been so invested in their relationship when he knew it was just friends-with-benefits to Jeff. 

But one night after his commander had put himself in peril once again, they'd been talking, and Michael had snapped. "Dammit, Jeff, you're my commanding officer! I can't do my fucking job if you insist on sticking your hand in right where the fire's hottest!" and then before he could think he'd stepped even closer and leaned in and kissed his best friend, and Jeff was kissing him back and they were seeking pure comfort from each other. He'd refused to admit how much he cared for Jeff even then. Funny how it was loss that always made him realise how much people meant to him.

First Lise, who he had loved, who he shouldn't still love, because he'd been hers but she was never his, then Jeff, who he had loved and who EarthForce had taken away from him, who was never his, was always Catherine Sakai's, neither of whom had cared for him the way he loved them, though his love for Jeff in no way diminished his love for Lise, and his love for Lise never affected his love for Jeff.  He'd lost them both, for different reasons, and it hurt. That was why he was a shameless flirt, why he slept around. He had to fill the hole in his heart where Lise should be, and now he had to fill the Jeff-shaped one too.  

Abruptly, he became aware that Londo had asked a question. "Sorry, Ambassador. I'm very tired and I need to go to my quarters," he said, sounding pitiful even to his own ears.

"I quite understand, Mr. Garibaldi. Good night."