#ch. ren

[p5-apotelesma]

love giving ren alexithymia.

sure as shit contributes to his brain being given inconsistent or no signals at all when it comes to. hunger and discomfort

he'll eventually learn that he actually needs to be intentional in awareness of his body. go out of his way to ground himself and notice what its telling him. but in the beginning it's very much: "oh im fine im fine im fine im fine oh suddenly im breaking down everything is overwhelming i am collapsing"

nevermind the emotional side of things. ask ren how hes feeling after something concerning happens and he'll be like. "im fine." (their ass is not processing) or "not sure what im feeling but its not good/bad" or "??????????????? please ask again in 3-5 business days"

and then then you follow up with him and hes like. "what? oh the moment has passed and i'm over it now. ive compartmentalized that already. i feel so ???? but i'm good. im so good dont even worry about it."

[p5-apotelesma]

Also Ren straight up says he can get carsick and likely doesn’t like roller coasters.(Especially in comparison to Nagisa who loves them.)

But the fandom seems to have missed that.(Maybe because his spin attacks in Strikers?)

ren not being the biggest fan of rollercoasters because of his height intolerance checks out. he never outright says he can't stand them, but he's not exactly excited at the prospect of riding one. just look at this gayass interaction between these two goobers that knocks me on my ass every time

RYUJI: Here we are... Just two dudes alone at an amusement park... RYUJI: Not like there's anything wrong with that. Though I guess it'd be better comin' with a girl... RYUJI: Whatever, I'm acceptin' my fate. C'mon, let's get over to a roller coaster! I'm ready to scream!

Don't get sick again, okay? > Go by yourself. Let's ride the Ferris wheel.

RYUJI: Huh!? You afraid or something? RYUJI: Don't worry, man. I'll be there to protect you. RYUJI: Wait, that came out wrong...

Don't get sick again, okay? Go by yourself. > Let's ride the Ferris wheel.

RYUJI: Dude, you tryin' to punish me with that borin' shit? RYUJI: Are you afraid? You are, aren't you? RYUJI: C'mon, let's go!

NONE of these prompts are giving the vibes of someone who has a significant amount of fun riding these rides. hell, two out of three of them are just different ways of expressing 'i don't want to do that.' though, i feel like they'd be more tolerant of them the longer they are into their career as a phantom thief.

and YEA HE ALSO IS PRONE TO GETTING CARSICK. i noticed that too... after makoto has her awakening he tells morgana he gets carsick.

MORGANA: A motorcycle―shaped Persona, huh... MORGANA: You know, I can turn into a car too, so it's like... I feel a sense of familiarity?

> Motorcycles are cooler. > Maybe you're a Persona? > I get carsick...

MORGANA: You better not throw up in me!

and also this mementos interaction

MORGANA: I bet you're nice and comfy riding around in me, right? You sure didn't expect that, didja?

>Yes, it's quite nice. > Actually, I'm carsick right now.

MORGANA: Well... Uh... Driving on the tracks is going to be bumpy. Nothing I can do about that!

i'd imagine they can feel very anxious during long car rides, so the feelings of carsickness don't just come from driving on uneven terrain and vertigo kicking his ass. they'll start to feel queasy and somewhat claustrophobic and will need to roll down the window and feel the wind on his face and fill his ears with the noise to help ground him.

[p5-apotelesma]

I’ve been saying Joker is afraid of heights for years now.

Let me add his ultimate persona is Gnostic Satan right before his fall.

And his NG+ Persona in Strikers being Lucifer proper.

Speaking of Strikers this line from What You Wish For .

Come on dear pierrot, make a move Try to shine and question it all It's okay to fall

(I believe that the song is from Arsène’s pov and he’s talking to Joker so yeah…)

NO I LOVE THAT SM... i love when narratives do this shit. ren not being the most comfortable with heights and then having his ult personas being the FIRST DUDE THAT TOOK THE BIGGEST FALL OF ALL TIME. it's so great...

i don't see ren having acrophobia, but a visual intolerance to height, and height vertigo. the fear and anxiety he feels over being up high is mostly due to the loss of control over his body, upon being hit with vertigo.

he's able to work on this in something of a controlled environment, with the metaverse. acting as the theatrical and fearless leader, at times he's more focused on performing that role and the mission than how high up he may be at any given time. by having control over how he interacts with high places, for the most part, he can form a better tolerance.

apotelesma ren in particular is also autistic, so he's operating with a difference in proprioception-- the sense of where your body is in space. in ren's case, it's not debilitating, but cause of the difference in how his neuropathways formed, his body often sends unreliable or weak signals to his brain, so there are moments where he is operating with faulty information about where his limbs are.

(turns out this is the same fuckign reason why my audhd ass will be walking in a straight line, down a path i have taken countless times, and 6/10 times somehow end up clipping my shoulder into the wall anyway and feel like i stepped on a stair that wasnt actually there. or like, at times i would have these Aware moments while walking or climbing stairs and ladders. and would just be like. "wow i'm really focused on how i'm moving my body right now for some reason. why does it feel so awkward? weird. anyway." turns out it was because my brain was receiving unreliable signals, and therefore had to take manual input of where the fuck i was placing my feet and my hands.)

very fun quirk to be dealing with when you're doing dodgerolls and flips and jumps and running on rafters. there was a time ren ate shit in the metaverse just as often as he did in real life. he had to learn to change his thinking and lean into the fact that they are in the cognitive world and thoughts and beliefs hold their own power here. that really is half the reason he's able to be such a successful showoff.

i'd imagine his poor diet affecting his stamina doesnt really help with the height intolerance. i'd be wary of losing control of my body like that and falling from high places too, if i couldn't handle getting up too fast half the time because i get dizzy and my vision goes black. nevermind the vertigo.

this is also something that becomes less of a hindrance over time, as his eating habits and diet become a bit more balanced.

[p5-apotelesma]

ren needing to be a leader to everyone and fixing their identity around it not just because he operates on 'they dont want ren they want what ren can do' and hes codependent as hell. but because humans naturally want things to be predictable and under control. and ren, who has had his life uprooted traumatically needs to be able to plan and command things to have a sense of safety.

and they're still going through stressful things. and he needs to keep his friends safe. hes had such LITTLE control over what happened before. and over things that are still happening to them. he needs to have that role. more than they realize. because at least he can direct something.

he doesnt have to think about himself and how much hes hurting if he has to lead others, right? right?

(but boy you can imagine how hard he takes it when he makes a bad call. he starts having a crisis and thinks hes a terrible leader and a terrible friend. how do you think they took the whole infighting situation that happened with mona and ryuji. they fucking internalized and took all the responsibility for that)

so when the gang have to scope out shido's palace without him because he's recovering from the 20th he stresses out sosososooo much. its not that he doesnt have faith in his friends. that he doesnt think theyre strong. its that if hes not there he cant make sure they're safe.

ren has been taking care of himself from a young age. managing the volatile emotions of the grown woman who occasionally shares a house with him. and now hes fallen into a leadership position and he doesn't want to let anyone down. and they take on all this responsibility and manages so much of their operations himself because a part of him still only trusts himself despite finding such good friends.

everyone is looking to him and he has to be all these things he doesn't think he is. helpful and strong and brave and bold and above all, good. its all a performance. (at least, he thinks it is. but fake it til you make it enough and it just. is. who he is) he needs this role to feel like he has reason to be loved. like he's earning it. but the role is exhausting!! and that's the thing with faulty coping systems!! the person ren is becomes second to the pattern. the mantra of This Will Keep Me Safe. even as its actively hurting you

[p5-apotelesma]

rencore. to me

[p5-apotelesma]

the blue duffel bag ren arrived in tokyo with contained personal items that ren was able to request from his dad over the phone before reporting for his probation. minus his new school uniform that he changed into before leaving, there were just a few things of sentimental importance in there (that he didnt think they would have packed and that he didnt trust would still be there when he came back) that are mementos from momose.

Myojo, his childhood imaginary friend and plush cat comfort that hes had since he was a baby

the Little Stars music box, a gift momose gave his mother while she was pregnant with him (momose's father helped her make it.) it plays the melody of Miagete Goran Yoru No Hoshi Wo (Look Up at the Stars at Night) by Kyu Sakamoto

and a copy of Ginga Tetsudou no Yoru (Night on the Galactic Railroad). where inside he's tucked the only photo of the two of them he managed to hold onto. a photo of ren as a toddler on his third birthday. covered in fingerpaint. momose holding up the art he's made to the camera.