thinking. about rens first two months in tokyo and how hes basically internally screaming and also hiding his clenched fists in his pockets all the time HES SO PISSED OFF and hes SO good at repressing that shit as a civilian but my god... it comes out in the metaverse v heavily at the start
ren really went into their year on probation completely closed off. wanting to keep his head down. he didnt want to know anyone and didnt want anyone to know him. keep out of trouble. stay safe. trying to avoid pain from all directions. emotional or physical. real or imaginary. he would create a personality so cold and so distant. whatever he needed to do to.
and then the universe drops one (1) ryuji in front of them and that whole plan fell apart.
ryuji saw ren was alone and decided to walk to school with him. that one show of kindness in a world that had since become so unjust and so bleak -- ryujis concern for them, a complete stranger, when under attack in the palace. and ren decided he would die for him.
ryuji is the real heart of the phantom thieves and thats why hes ren's second. he was the one who gave ren hope when he came to tokyo all alone. thrown to the wayside by their parents and treated like garbage by everyone around them. ryuji was the catalyst for ren believing in people again. he and ann helped ren learn to trust again.
his relationship with the two of them is different than any of his with the other pt. because they're the OGS and they had to face the prospect that they could ultimately be collaborators in killing a man if shit goes south. the amount of trust you would have for each other in this situation is insane.
i think about how morgana has to learn to be rens ptsd service animal basically on the fly. especially once rens in Inaba again because my god does ren get worse. ren would not have made it through their last year with their parents if it wasnt for morgana. that cat saved rens life
and i think about how frustrated morgana can get because he isnt human. sure, hes accepted that this is just how he is... but theres no greater time he wishes he were human than when ren needs a human person to support them and rens parents either arent doing enough or actively making him Worse.
he watches ren self harm (largely by self isolation and disordered eating habits but ren is not immune to other avenues like extreme risk taking or physical violence) and slowly stop responding to or checking the group chat. watches them fall out of videochat routines with their partners. watches them spend more time sleeping and not leave the house as much. watches the ren they came to know and admire in tokyo disappear to long term trauma survival behaviors
watches ren obsess over “goro akechis stupid glove” for months. watches how ren gets so fixated and lost in their own head over all the ways goro can come back and why he hasnt. and cant help but dislike it and tell ren to let it go because its like akechi is holding power over ren. by having left ren waiting for akechi to return and complete the pair. (complete ren)
the poor thing feels so helpless when rens health starts to tank further. he's just a cat... there are limits to what he can do. morgana cant get ren a glass of water or his favortie blanket. he cant cook or bring them a warm meal when they havent eaten. or hold a wet cloth to the back of their neck. he cant. hold them when they cry at night.
morgana does the best he can and ren thanks him for what he does all the time. and feels immense guilt because he feels like hes trapped morgana here and that hed be better off in tokyo with the sakuras.
i usually hate fics where jokers team are written to be arent all that smart and bad friends on top of it. and like, in some cases the writer thinks they need to scolded by goro, of all people. as if hes such a better friend. about how they abandoned joker as soon as they didnt need a shoulder to cry on anymore
because things are never just. that simple. you know? the phantom thieves shouldn't be put down as bad friends just to make goro look better in comparison (usually for shipping reasons. and im saying this as an akeshu person) even so, the thing is. that even if dont like this. goro can still have a good point! he's still kinda spitting!
perhaps abandonment is too strong a word, but if they didnt leave ren behind, what do they apologize for in the end?
they haven't forgotten about ren in the third term, like. its very clear they dont and people saying they do aren't paying attention. they know who he is and that they're friends with him. but they can't place the "how" once they really try and think about it due to all the retcons maruki has done in their pasts.
but the text implies that they are in fact not full on brainwashed by the doctor. i think it’s futaba that mentions that she new it was all wrong but she just went along with it. she wasn’t just brainwashed. she actively chose to ignore the true reality. all the phantom thieves did. and the reason the world was actualized in the way it was came, in part, from their own hearts.
and i think this is why peoples eyebrows raise when we see how ren's place in their lives seems like such an afterthought. and we can't rule out that it isn't significant. that it doesn't say something about the transactional foundation of ren's relationships. but there's also no way of telling if this was done on purpose by maruki as a means of coercing ren over to his side.
lavenza tells the gang this:
"There's no way of knowing how many situations were intentionally orchestrated by that man... However, the result is still the same-- a desire for his actualization was seeded within your hearts. Thus, I have no doubt, that it was your own desires that lead to their actualization."
what i think, is its not that ren wasnt thought about by anyone at all when making this new reality, it's that the pt were handed a life full of candy and they took it without a second thought. it's the fact they looked at the abyss where memories of their bond resided ('how did ren and i become friends? what have we been through together? how have we bettered each others lives?') and decided the absence was less painful than the alternative.
and like a scapegoat in an enmeshed family, ren was isolated and ignored as his friends scrambled to maintain a sense of control. to stay in their daydream. because ren represented proof that things were broken.
ren has cat-like sass and gives cat-like affection. if he likes and trusts you he will want to be close to you and could even go out of his way to lie on you. you will become a pillow. he enjoys head pats. but the primary behavior is the cat-like Bonks.
and its not just head to head bonks. ren will give the headbonks to someones shoulder, their knee. it really depends on the position ren is to the recipient but. he just. bonk... most of the time theyre. silent thank yous or i love yous or theyre. silent requests for affection or comfort. words get hard sometimes if hes overwhelmed. and hes shy
ryuji saying 'whats bonkin' is an even funnier bit because of this habit ren has. ren laying around with everyone in leblanc and he just
post-games, goro totally picks up on this affection style. just from mirroring ren in an attempt to better understand and be understood. (autism to autism communication)
goro picking up rens silent, subtle affectionate Bonks. as an indicator that he wants attention and ren just. Understanding without the need for words???? its so good.
it helps with goro showing vulnerability and expressing his needs. if its hard with words (something goro struggles with) then actions are just easier. and i think goro is someone who could actually come to enjoy expressing his needs to those he trusts most. cause goro is someone who is starved for love.
and in mirroring rens weird cat affection, its like his brain unlocking new life hacks. literally him relearning how to live life like, ‘you mean if i go out of my way to bonk my head against rens shoulder they could kiss my forehead and hold my hand??? i wont even have to ask???’
its interesting if she still tries to pursue it. i want her to try. i want her to work hard at it. because its very important to her to honor her father. i want her to dig her heels in and go for it. even if shes gotten imput from zenkichi. an adult whos on the force. that what she wants to accomplish wont be possible. even if hes told her being on the force demands everything of you. (your only job becomes coming home at all. and you might not even be able to do that)
even if it has ren putting her at a distance. her friend who still has night terrors about his experiences with law enforcement. who will probably always be side-eyeing cops and crossing the street to avoid them. (ill probably go into that more in a different post. later or whatever. EDIT: heres that!)
because the idea that she cannot. reconcile the inherit Bastardism of Cops. with the kind and noble father she loved and looked up to. and it keeps her on this path because shes passionate about picking up where he left off. despite the signs that get thrown in her face that maybe. this isnt where life is meant to take her. is. is good. its just good. because when it falls through and doesnt end up being fulfilling, she'll have to unpack it in the end.
and if she doesnt quit while shes ahead. if she still tries to pursue being a cop. the thing that would make the most sense to me is. that she keeps getting fucking dropped from police academies because shes "not the kind of person theyre looking for"
SHE WANTED TO CHANGE THINGS FROM THE INSIDE BUT SHE CANT GET INSIDE. she goes into like three or four different academies and ends up constantly side-eyeing her classmates and her instructors because of the things they say out of pocket and how shes being trained to act. and she isnt afraid to bring it up. shes like. thats. not an appropriate thing to say or do.
and they basically all tell her to get the fuck out. LIKE. SHE DOES GREAT ON THE GRADED TASKS? like written assessments or whatever. but put her in a shooter simulation and she starts trying to use deescalation tactics instead of yelling to stop resisting as she unloads her gun into what would ideally be someone body.
and because shes not giving any inch of her humanity away, they tell her they dont want her on their force. and thats when makoto understands what All Cops Are Bastards actually means. the system says “anyone interested in being ethical isn’t welcome” and weeds out those who are.
thinking of how rens terrible eating habits heavily impact his performance in the metaverse in the beginning. how often ren would pass out or feel like passing out when first starting as a phantom thief because his diet does NOT make up for how much energy hes using in the metaverse (even if the metaverse lets you do feats you wouldnt be able to do irl)
ryuji and ann and mona are like AAA ARE YOU OKAY and ren is like. uhhh yeah. my bad. gimme a minute. like. he faints at least TWICE going through kamoshidas palace and they have to leave so ann and ryuji can FEED HIM.
ANN: oh my god, oh my god, ren— how many fingers am i holding up??
REN: seven
RYUJI: are you in pain anywhere?? shit!! what do we do??
MORGANA: stop crowding them!
RYUJI: dude!! he just fainted!!
REN: guys, im fine this happens a lot
RYUJI: BRO?? what?
ANN: Hello??
REN: well it... used to? when i was a kid
MORGANA: w—were you sick? are you sick??
REN: need to eat.
MORGANA: you— (we dont have time to unpack that) youre hungry? now? right now?
REN: sure
ANN: when was the last time you ate?!
REN: lunch. bread. had cup noodles last night.
RYUJI: oh. dude, your blood sugars so low youre tripping over it.
REN: heh,, my bad
ANN: geez, okay, we’re leaving right now! and we’re gonna take you out to eat!
REN: oh. uhh
RYUJI: seconded. and youre bringing home all the leftovers
REN: um
MORGANA: joker, you wont object to sushi, will you? can we get sushi?
RYUJI: taking the opportunity to satiate your tuna addiction even now?!
MORGANA: shuddup! i’m his greatest motivator! you want them to take all the leftovers or not? (he’ll feel less guilty about being spoiled if he can use it to spoil me!)
REN: eheheheh hahahaha!
EVERYONE: ?
REN: sorry, im fine (wipes his eyes from laughing. also he’s genuinely kinda emotional cause he has people who love him so much) yeah, we can go. im ready…
MORGANA: yes!!
ryuji and ann (and many of the others going forward) carry snacks on them specifically because ren forgets theyre a human being with a body that needs fuel to function.
both him and yusuke are disasters in this aspect. yusuke is no stranger to collapsing because he hasnt eaten enough. futaba also forgets they need to eat too cause their hyperfocus goes crazy. and goro also skips meals a lot.
ren has a job by the time they start madarames palace, i think? so at least he has more spending money so he can buy food for himself. and also sojiro is AWARE by this point that rens parents did, in fact, NOT send them to tokyo with a budget. so he's feeding ren every morning now rather than some mornings. he's allowing ren to touch the kitchen. use some beans and curry ingredients. and eat leftover curry. and he occasionally brings takeout home for him. (when futaba asks for takeout and he figures he should buy ren some too)
but sometimes. ren does. still. indeed. forget to fucking eat. hes running around doing all these things and has so much on his mind. so busy and goal focused on being team leader and helping others (unconsciously avoiding his own pain by doing so) that of course his autistic ass isnt. capable of that extra bit of processing when it comes to. his own needs. (and his needs never had a place at the table growing up. ofc hes completely detached from them)
years of dysfunctional eating cant be undone completely within just one year. (especially with ren going BACK to the environment that fostered those habits in the first place in the end.) they get better but theyll never not be just a bit dysfunctional. but being allowed to use the kitchen and being given a safe space where he feel like he wont be judged or attacked when he does it, has them going out of their way to try new things. to learn. to cook for their friends and they really really enjoy doing it.
rens eating habits improve in part through his own desire to provide food for his team. to support his other friends whose habits are also not that great. and as a show of love and gratitude for everyone taking care of him. this is also why ren spoils morgana so much. because this cat is constantly reminding ren to rest and take their time and eat.
The Ren that went into that little concrete room on November 20th did Not Come Back Out.
And I don't just mean that from a psychological trauma standpoint, I'm talking physically. Nevermind the lasting chronic pain, I'm talking about potential organ damage. Listen? Listen to me. After analyzing the needles in the cutscene it seems like, even being generous with the average and trying to keep numbers at the low end, they shot him up with an average of 1.5 - 2.0 ml (on a hypodermic needle) between all three needles. That amount could cause an adult to overdose if not flat out kill them.
The 'truth serum' they gave Ren was most likely some concoction of barbiturates or benzodiazepines.
Symptoms of overdose (for both):
✫ Shallow breathing. Difficulty breathing.
✫ Slowed responses. Slurred speech.
✫ Drowsiness or extreme fatigue. Heavy sedation. It may be difficult to rouse the person.
✫ Profuse sweating.
✫ Psychosis. Hallucinations.
✫ Delirium. Confusion. Amnesia.
Long term Complications:
✫ Organ failure – If left untreated, an overdose can cause damage to the heart, liver, and kidneys due to hypoxia or low levels of oxygen in the blood.
✫ Coma and Death – Benzo and Barbiturate overdose can cause respiratory depression, leading to coma and death.
✫ Aspiration pneumonitis – This condition causes acute lung injury from inhaling regurgitated gastric content, which is common in benzo overdose.
✫ Noncardiogenic pulmonary edema – A condition in which fluid builds up in the lungs, making it difficult to breathe. Most often, the buildup of fluid is caused by a pressure imbalance within the heart, but other causes can also send excess fluid to the lungs.
✫ Rhabdomyolysis – A condition where muscles break down and release damaging proteins into the bloodstream. This condition is fatal as it can damage the heart, kidneys, and other organs.
✫ Vasodilation to profound hypotension – Excessive Vasodilation (widening of blood vessels) can lead to dangerously low blood pressure because it reduces the amount of blood returning to the heart, decreasing blood pressure and potentially leading to shock.
An overdose of either can be fatal and requires medical care in a hospital. But exact treatment depends on the severity of the overdose and whether other substances are involved. And guess what Ren couldn't fucking have cause he was supposed to be dead! Hospital care. Do you understand. Can anyone hear me.
This child was tortured and couldn't go to a hospital. Worse! Couldn't even be given painkillers for days and days because Tae couldn't risk poisoning Ren's system further. She is literally just a Pharmaceutical Physician!!! She wouldn't have a lot of the equipment in house to give Ren the ideal care he very much fucking needs!
Even for those who get that care, complete recovery may be difficult if lasting damage has been done. In the absence of severe damage to inner organs or the brain, a person may manage to recover within days or a few weeks at most. But some symptoms may take much longer to heal. And Ren also got the shit beaten out of him!!! You look at all the horrible things the drugs alone can do and think about how hard it will be to recover from that, and then it just gets worse.
Because, sure, the passing out and lack of memory could also be chalked up to the head trauma, BUT THAT'S NOT GREAT EITHER!
Overdosing to the point of losing consciousness and hardly being able to stay conscious and not being able to remember things is fucking serious. They could have blacked out because they were having trouble breathing! And then that fuckass cop sidekicks him straight in the ribs and grinds his boot into their skull and kicks his stomach and stomps on their leg and ATLUS thinks Ren can get up and start going into Shido's palace FOUR DAYS LATER? THEY'RE INSANE.
Ren needed at least six weeks of recovery from the beating– the severe concussion and fractured ribs and contusions that reach down to his bones, with the support of a team of doctors. Instead he got just one stressed pharmacist and half the time. Ren spent the first 24 hours afterwards in Tae's clinic, on lockdown, as she did everything she could to monitor them and make sure Ren's state didn't take a turn for the worse. Ren spent the remaining three weeks partially bedridden in Sojiro's house, (because Leblanc is NOT safe enough what the hell were they thinking.) isolated from their friends and the typical day to day work that would distract them from how much they're hurting.
Ren regresses and goes near completely mute as a trauma response and doesn't speak for a long time.
im pretty sure some orphanages in japan will Pay for a child’s school tuition* up until highschool. and goro signed a contract with shido at 15? right when he was meant to enter highschool? (and would also likely be aged out of the foster system. yes some have done this to kids as young as 15)
the whole thing this just screams. goro about to be homeless (or is already) and having nothing but his dreams of revenge as a goal or window into a future that from his perspective he. didnt have. at all. (only justifiable through being a vessel for his mothers vengeance, mostly) he would otherwise live on the streets in poverty.
goro is not of age of majority, so shido owns his condo. shido got him his internship with the SIU. his media connections. and the financial means to continue his education. (and he can take it all away.)
okay so. you know how maruki Actualizes sumire because it was what she wanted. because she was suicidal and this was her minds first line of defense? and even though it was Wrong and Very Fucked Up she acknowledges that it Got her through it?
i see yaldy giving goro his gift. of access to the cognitive world. of his awakening. the same fucking way. as a neat little parallel. motivations aside, a case of those in positions of power experimenting on suffering children who are desperate enough to seek an end to their pain that they would throw their lives away. it was very fucked up but. it got him through it. this was the only path he could see.
of course goro would be given this power when he needed it most. during a massive and stressful change in his life. yet another major trauma in a series piled on top. (just like when ren got his.)
