All of us are human. Complex entities of emotion and rationality bundled into one volatile package called the personality. Sometimes, if we are lucky, we meet someone that finds our particular personality fascinating and noteworthy. If we are really lucky, that person has the same opinion about our particular personality. This is what I believe a soul mate is. Someone who, despite our flaws, wants to remain linked to you body and mind for as long as you live. Someone that you feel so powerfully in love with, that no member of the opposite sex (or whichever sex you happen to be interested in) even registers as a possible partner to you. This is a beautiful thing and my brain cannot actually process the idea that I have found this person and that this person feels the same way I do. My beautiful fiance and mother of my child means the world to me and I would do anything for her or for our son. The problem with being human, though, is that sometimes we make mistakes. Small mistakes are easily corrected. A misplaced word. A misunderstood statement or question. A forgotten item at the grocery store. All of these things are easily dealt with and while, in the moment, they can seem somewhat important, they are in fact trivial. However, big mistakes can also be made. These are more difficult to face. One of these has the power to hurt, to injure, to make your significant other question your very identity at times. Honesty and trust go hand in hand in a relationship. When one wavers, so too does the other. Recently I put these things and possibly even my relationship in jeopardy. I made the mother of all mistakes when it comes to a lasting, healthy relationship. I lied. Lying is the quickest way to hurt your partner. If you cannot be trusted to tell the truth, it can call into question your character and your motivations for being with someone. It is the single most damaging thing to a couple. Almost a year ago now, we found out we would be having a child. We were thrilled at the prospect of having a family and even more love to share in our lives. It was at this time that I decided to quit smoking, since it is not only bad for pregnant women to be around, but harmful to the smoker as well. A while ago, as some addicts are known to do, I slipped. This in and of itself is a small thing. Relapses happen. Alcoholics sometimes have a drink or two, drug addicts sometimes go back to their drug of choice, and smokers have trouble staying away from cigarettes. If I had went to my fiance and admitted this mistake, she would not have been happy. She may have been downright angry. We may have argued and fought for days....Or, she might have understood. She certainly would not have been happy with it, but she may have understood the mistake. The only problem with that is, I did not give her the chance to understand. She asked me if I had smoked and I lied to her face. Not only that, I tried to make her feel ridiculous for even asking. I let my fear of possible anger and possible conflict take over. Instead of admitting my wrong, I tried to hide it. In doing so, I traded possible anger for very real hurt, distrust, and even disbelief. My stupidity damaged our wonderful relationship, perhaps beyond repair. Trust is a tenuous thing at best. Once it is earned, it can be easily kept. Once broken, however, it is not easily repaired. From now on, if she asks me if I have smoked recently and I say no...there is a chance I will have to see that look in her eye. That look that says "how do I know that what you say is true"? Seeing this will no doubt hurt. It will make me feel like crap. Probably how she felt when I finally fessed up to my lie. Betrayal of trust is the worst kind of crime against a loved one. It doesn't matter if you lie about your fidelity, what you had for lunch, or whether or not you screwed up and had a smoke. A lie is a lie is a lie. I didn't trust her with the truth, and now it will be hard to get her to trust me to give her the truth again. Sugarbug, I want you to know that I do love you with all my heart. There is no one else in this world that could love me the way you do, and no one that I could love the way I do you. You are my soul and my rock. I am deeply sorry for treating your trust with such recklessness and disregard. It is my hope that we can get past my stupidity and that you will trust me again one day. Enough to marry me and tie our lives together forever. I love you and I apologize for the hurt I have caused you. No matter what, you will always be my soulmate. I hope that the same is true of you, baby. Goodnight, and sweet dreams <3
