The look on my friend Nick's face was one of pure confusion. Nick, the leader of a campus ministry in my home state of Iowa, had been trying to share the gospel with a young man from the school's gay and lesbian community group, but all this kid wanted to talk about was gay marriage. As soon as he found out that Nick opposed his right to get married, the young man walked away. The conversation was over, and Nick was left wondering what he said that had so abruptly ended his attempt at outreach.
This is just one example of the break down in communication that has taken place between the evangelical world and the gay and lesbian community. As Christians, we want to love homosexuals as Jesus would, but knowing how to show love begins with knowing how to communicate. Trying to have a discussion about gay marriage with someone who is lesbian or gay is often like trying to play a game of baseball while the opposing team is on a soccer field. Each side is basing their arguments on completely different assumptions about homosexuality.
Another example: Christians consider homosexuality a behavior, but homosexuals consider it an identity. Many Christians like to use the phrase ‘hate the sin, love the sinner’ to describe their attitude towards homosexual people, but again, communication completely breaks down because if gay and lesbian folks consider their orientation an identity, is it really possible to ‘hate the sin’ without also hating the sinner?
“Ministry leaders all across the country are discovering that effective ministry requires not just welcoming gay and lesbian people into our churches and campus ministries, but embracing an entirely new way of communicating the church's stance on homosexuality. Instead of looking at lesbian and gay people through the world's eyes, we need to look at the world through their eyes. This means that, when discussing the subject of homosexuality with people, we must use words that are inclusive, not divisive. While homosexuals use words like ‘love’ and ‘relationship’ to describe homosexual behavior, Christians use words like ‘sin’ and ‘abomination.’
We must put aside this kind of language if we want our ministries to be a safe place for students to talk openly about their sexuality. For those who have already made up their minds that they are gay, this will mean ‘coming out’ to their friends and leaders at church. But for those who have not yet embraced the gay identity, there will likely be a thousand questions about where their homosexual feelings came from, what they mean, how they can be altered, and of course: ‘Does God still love me?’
My generation is doing a much better job answering these questions than my parents' generation. But there are still many who cower or condemn when faced with questions like these, and when the church neglects to provide support, sexually struggling youth are forced to search elsewhere.”
“Using language that is insensitive will not only keep those who are outside the church from coming in, but will also make homosexual strugglers who are inside the church want to leave. Randy Newman of Campus Crusade for Christ tells the story of a young man named Jim who was struggling with homosexuality. Jim was debating whether or not he should tell members of his campus fellowship about his struggle, but when another student in the group requested prayer for his gay roommate, the groups' director offered condemnation of homosexuality, instead of offering prayer for the roommate. ‘Jim told us he decided, then and there, that this was not a safe place to talk about his homosexuality.’
Many of the gay and lesbian students that I speak to on college campuses are already on the defensive. They are fragile people who have been hurt deeply by the rhetoric of insensitive Christians.”
“One of the best ways to show God's grace to the gay and lesbian community is by looking for practical ways to show love. The gay community is used to hearing Christians say we love them, but such love has historically produced very little humanitarianism. It's time that we started to show love in tangible ways.”
“To the gay and lesbian community, saying that we love gay people, but we oppose their right to get married is like saying, ‘We love you but we hate you.’ As Christians, we know that homosexual feelings can be overcome, but most gay and lesbian people view their attractions as an immutable identity. If I were a homosexual who honestly believed that my orientation was unchangeable I would probably view conservative Christians as bigots just as many of them do. If you put yourself in their shoes, you can understand why they think we hate them.”
“Many of the men that I counsel are desperate for this kind of healthy male intimacy. They will not share their homosexual struggle with the men in their church because they fear rejection. These men dream of being held in the arms of another man and hearing the words ‘I love you.’ Indeed, some them will literally cry into the phone when I tell them that I love them because they have never heard these words from another man before. One man put it well when he said, ‘As a gay man, I've found it's easier for me to get sex on the streets than to get a hug in church.’
If you're not sure how to hug someone who is struggling with homosexuality, just open your arms. If they need your touch, they'll walk right in. Allowing someone who has struggled with homosexuality to get close to you is the greatest gift you can give them. Whether this takes the form of touch, talk, or even something as cliché as going to a movie, learn their love language, and then speak it!
Randy Newman of Campus Crusade for Christ wrote: ‘For far too many [homosexual strugglers], a crucial missing ingredient in the healing process is friendship with a heterosexual Christian who will accept them, pray with them, and embrace them...’
When we learn to do this, we can rest assured that God can use us to set the captives free. I know because I was one of the captives, but God set me free. And it all started because one man loved me enough to open his arms.
