CSM 218 Thoughts
This is all going according to my angsty fanfic in my dash in the past 2 weeks, My God.
Even when they've laughed about being a good person, there's no way the guilt and trauma will ever go away. They're just laughing at their shared irony. No matter how shitty their dad might be, he's still a family related by blood, and killing him makes them bad people, and they both realize this, but at least they get to laugh at how funny they are to have a matching past, and how funny the notion of them being "good people."
Asa is still gonna be suicidal, is still gonna try to save Denji and the rest of humanity in the only way she knew how–by killing herself–without even giving Denji a room to debate, because she just feels that worthless, unworthy of forgiveness, unworthy of love. She thought she's doing it for Denji's sake, but she's mainly just doing it to save herself from further guilt, pain, and misery.
(People commented how selfless Asa's dying wish is now compared to the first time she died, so I'm here to offer another lens to see the same thing differently)
Everyone keeps telling Denji what to do, but what about Denji's opinion? What about Denji's heart?
[If you say that about yourself, then what does it say about me?]
[If you say you don't care about yourself anymore, what does it say about me...? Still, even if you said you don't care, I DO?? I want you to live??? Even if I can come back to life many times, what's the point if I have no one to connect with??]
[See? We are exactly similar too. I've also accepted I can never go back to have a normal life. I wouldn't be able to sleep anymore, but I feel like I can sleep as long as you are by my side. I've also done so many unforgivable things I want to scream when I remember them. I killed a bunch of people, I killed my own dad, and I can't forgive myself; but I feel like if you are worth living, it means I also worth living too. Plus, you are a bad liar?? With how similar we are, I know you don't actually want to end your life?? Why do you gotta shoulder the burden alone when I can and want to share your burden?? Are you freaking serious with me??]
[Seriously. Is there really no other way?? But I don't want you to die, even when you are trying to save me! I'd much rather have you live! With me!! Even when you asks nicely and put your face close to mine, I can't!! I don't want to!!]
"Chainsaw Man please do this for me, Chainsaw Man please do that for me..." Just. No. He's had enough. He's nobody's tool. He do what he wants to do.
For the first time ever, he's able to talk about his traumatic past to someone other than Pochita. For the first time ever, he's able address his past freely and feel safe enough to laugh about it—even when it's laced with irony. For the first time ever, he felt like he can truly connect with someone. She's the only person left who still loves him as who he is. And that said person, wants to kill herself—to "play hero" for his sake? And everyone else want her gone, too.
Absolutely can't.
Not on his watch.
He won't allow it to happen.
He won't let her die and get away with it, because doing so means that she's only toying with his heart AGAIN. He's had enough of people toying with his heart. He's had enough of people ordering him around for their own agenda. He wants to have his own agenda. It's time to take his agency back. And this time, he wants Asa to live.
He only ate Makima because she's in the way of getting the life he truly wanted—otherwise, he still loved her. But Asa. He can never eat Asa. She's not in the way of his dream at all; in fact, she's in the very center of the life he wants to have.
I can't even imagine how triggering it must be for Denji to see someone he loves/cares about shot herself in the head, and had people massacaring her corpse beyond recognition.
How can he ever eat her.
'She's so kind, and yet, so ruthless,' is probably something in Denji's mind.
'How can she do this to me? How can she be so ruthless, leaving me alone in a world that doesn't even want me? How can she be so selfish, wishing for my happiness without consulting me what I want? How can she be so cruel, leaving me behind after inspiring me to live again?'
And I'm not sure if he realize it yet, but eating her with CSM'S power doesn't mean she will just die; her existence will be erased from this world. Someone who shared so many similarities with Denji is going to be erased. As if someone like her—no, him—doesn't deserve to exist. The world— and he too—will forget Asa Mitaka ever exist. I wonder if Denji realize the implication this far.
[Either we live together or we die together—there's no in between.]
I can't wait for the further angst ahead.
*Notes: I have no idea if is it Pochita who move according to Denji's wish or is it Denji who control Pochita's movement, but either way, I can't wait for next week already.