Who will receive a lily? Find out in "Chaldea Bachelorette!" ft. BB & Hakuno
This fic idea was a joke originally
Chapters will be posted on my AO3 and here on this Tumblr!
Poll links will be in the ANs (AO3) and in the fic posts (Tumblr) - you won't miss them if you read the fic.
Five Rounds, each consists of multiple chapters.
There will be two polls each Round:
First poll is the "Lily Poll" - vote for your favorite of the candidates still in the game. The Servant(s) with the most votes will receive a lily and move into the next round guaranteed.
※The number of Servants varies per Round.
Second poll is the "Date Poll" - vote for the Servant you want to have a one-on-one date with Ritsuka. The Servant(s) with the most votes will get a date chapter.
※The number of Servants varies per Round.
The "Lily Poll" won't determine all distributed lilies; I'll pick the remaining Servants to fill the slots for the next Round myself.
The same applies to the "Date Poll" - though this one actually determines most of the dates.
I have an idea for a winner already but I'm honestly just going with the flow and what'll feel right when it's time to make that decision, so that's pretty open.
Side ships/couples may happen over the course of the fic because why not
If you have any other questions - feel free to ask!
This is going to be such a mess but it'll be fun (probably)
Chaldea Bachelorette ch2 - Ritsuka x Everyone (Fate/Grand Order)
Side Ship: Hakuno x BB (and others)
21 Servants, 1 Master - through five lily ceremonies, group activities, and private dates, a new love will be born!
Welcome to Chaldea Bachelorette! (A show by BB ft. Hakuno)
※ With Reader Votings!
Reader-Interactive | Dating Show | Alternate Universe - Reality Show | Breaking the Fourth Wall | Meta Humor | Comedy | Fate/Extra Lore & References | References to author's other fics | Sometimes "The Writer's Barely Disguised Fetish" | Eventual Smut
Also posted on: AO3
<- Previous Chapter | Next Chapter ->
▶︎ Lily Poll - vote for your favorite candidate(s) to receive a lily and move into the next round!
▶︎ Date Poll - vote for your favorite candidate(s) to get a date with Ritsuka in this round!
▶︎ Side Ship Poll - vote for your favorite side ship(s) to be featured!
Ritsuka woke up to an awfully suspicious silence. No BB whose voice echoed throughout her mind, no Hakuno who greeted her awakening consciousness.
Not even the BB Channel music was playing.
Fearing the worst — and knowing this would probably not even cut it — Ritsuka got out of the bed provided to her in her private room that was supposedly completely and entirely safe.
Supposedly.
In BB’s words, it wouldn’t help with keeping up the tension and excitement if any candidate who wanted to could sneak into Ritsuka’s bed right at the start. Viewers would have to earn their ‘steamy reward’ by sticking around.
… Ritsuka wanted to wipe that from her mind.
A sheet of paper was put on her room’s door — confirming that, unlike participants, BB and Hakuno could access this room anytime. No surprise there.
—
Master, good morning!
Don’t lose any time, everyone’s waiting for you on the beach behind your mansion.
Put on your bikini and join the fun!
The BB Volleyball Tournament is waiting!
— BB ♥
—
Ritsuka’s eyebrow twitched. Volleyball sounded normal enough — fun even — but with a BB in front of it, that promised bad news. Nobody besides Hakuno could hope to guess what went on in that AI’s mind, so it was impossible to know ahead of time what bullshit would await.
Not that Ritsuka had any choice in this, so she changed into the Mystic Code she received for the first summer singularity — ‘Brilliant Summer,’ a bikini with white and orange stripes. It felt nostalgic in a sense.
Maybe, just maybe, there was some fun to be had. After all, summer events were usually not that bad.
… so Ritsuka hoped, against all odds, as she headed for the beach.
At the beach, Ritsuka was surprised to actually see BB and Hakuno present on what was practically a lifeguard stand. They actually showed up in person.
All the Servants were already present, mostly avoiding each other’s company in an awkward silence filled with tension. Everyone was only waiting for Ritsuka — the only one in a swimsuit. Was BB just pranking her?
In hindsight, it was stupid to follow instructions from some note BB left. How easy did Ritsuka make it for BB?
[Geez, Master. You really made everyone wait, huh? What, you think a ‘fashionably late’ entrance will make you seem more interesting or something?]
…
Ritsuka elected to ignore that attempt at picking a fight. Maybe BB would give up eventually if she never got a reaction — though Ritsuka knew this hope was futile. If BB were that easy to handle, she wouldn’t pose a problem to her sanity in the first place.
[Ehem. Now that everyone is here, it’s time to announce the first round’s Group Activity!]
<As you already know, today we’re holding the BB Volleyball Tournament, which you could sign up for yesterday from your own rooms.>
“… I couldn’t sign up, though?” Ritsuka pointed at herself in confusion.
<Well, Fujimaru, you are the bachelorette. This Group Activity is meant for others to show off their good sides to you, so you have to take the position of a referee and keep a close look.>
… that made sense. Annoyingly enough, it really did.
[All that noise aside! Let’s lose no more time and get the Bikini Beach Volleyball Tournament started!]
‘… what? That’s what the ‘BB’ stands for!?’
[You’re all given five minutes to change into swimsuits, else you’ll be disqualified! Hurry, hurry! Without fanservice, our viewers won’t be happy, you know?]
BB really forced everyone into dressing in bikinis to have a beach volleyball tournament, huh. That sounded almost normal. Suspiciously normal, in fact.
Apart from one crucial detail.
“What about the Servants who don’t have a swimsuit costume…?” Ritsuka asked.
Quite a few of them were present here, and BB wouldn’t disqualify them on the spot for that, right?
[Not to worry. With the help of supportive candidates willing to sabotage their hopeless love quest, we were able to provide swimsuits to the prudes who didn’t already have one of their own!]
That sounded so much worse than mere disqualification. Whoever donated swimsuits, unless it was someone decently trustworthy like Miss Crane — who wasn’t even here — it promised trouble.
Would this really be fine?
<While you are getting changed, I will explain the rules. First of all, on the court, the use of skills, magecraft, above-human prowess, and anything that falls into such categories is completely illegal. But don’t worry about this rule as the court was constructed to block all those things, so you’ll only have to adapt to relying on nothing but your personal, physical capabilities.>
Basically, none of the Servants could do anything that a human couldn’t. That at least made for a somewhat even playing field. If not for differences in height and strength, which could differ greatly, depending on who you’d pit against each other.
… really, was this going to be fine…?
<As for the teams, those were determined by… an algorithm of sorts.>
“By ‘algorithm’, you mean BB made up teams, don’t you?” Ritsuka asked.
Hakuno merely cleared her throat to neither confirm nor deny it.
[Of course I did! I had to ensure teams are balanced, each of them providing the right amount of potential for drama and tension! And most importantly, each team had to be eye candy with a certain minimum amount of sex appeal for the viewers. I can’t rely on participants or some random selection to do that. I still have a show to run here, you know? What if this gets cancelled before we reach the end? Want to get stuck in empty nothingness for the rest of your life? Ask Senpai how that feels! Though I wouldn’t mind dropping you there for a bit.]
BB went off on quite the tangent here… Ritsuka lacked some context and a particular level of insanity to follow the ramble fully, but she understood that BB had a field day with this tournament.
Which was bad news for everyone involved.
<The matchups were decided at random, though. We’ll be announcing the teams for the first match once everyone got changed. … please try to get along.>
That didn’t bode well; that addition at the end there already said it all.
A beach volleyball court popped up, with a few benches and chairs on each side of it. One in particular was meant for the referee, so Ritsuka took that seat which was meant for her.
With 21 candidates, not everyone was going to be able to take part. After all, beach volleyball was played with teams of two. At the very least, Ritsuka would have some company in the referee spot.
Some who were quick to change sat down on the other side of the court. None of the tension had left, but that only made sense — unlike Ritsuka, who merely had to watch and judge, the Servants had to play a sport by BB’s rules.
Ritsuka felt bad for them… even though they all signed up themselves. So they had it coming.
Once everyone was in swimsuits, BB got started right away. She didn’t want to lose any time. BB was enjoying herself way, way too much here.
[For the first match in the first round, we’ll have team ‘Worst Parenting Fail’ on the blue side, and team ‘Coldest Lords of Edge’ on the red side!]
“… team what now? What are those team names!?” Ritsuka exclaimed.
No surprise BB was so impatient to get started when she had such a humiliating trump up her sleeve.
<Artoria and Mordred, you’re in team ‘Worst Parenting Fail’. Morgan and Artoria Alter, ‘Coldest Lords of Edge’ is your team.>
Hakuno gave the teams a half-apologetic look, but she also had to hold back a chuckle. She hid it behind a fake cough.
It didn’t take half a second until Mordred was at the host duo’s lifeguard stand, kicking at the tower for the offence that was the team name. Artoria was able to take the insult in awkward silence, while Morgan and Artoria Alter paid their ridiculous team name no mind.
Ritsuka had to admit that the team names weren’t unfitting… though she valued her life enough not to say that out loud. She had a protagonist’s basic survival instinct, just like Hakuno — which really wasn’t much, but usually enough to make it through situations.
[I don’t want to be here all day, so we’re only playing a single round per match. The first team to get to 15 points wins. Winner team gets to spend the night with Master. Try your best, everyone!]
“… wait, what!?”
What did a private room that couldn’t be broken into even mean when this was the prize!?
As both teams warmed up on their respective sides, neither communicating with their partner in any way that wasn’t an icy glare — Morgan at Artoria Alter — or avoidance of eye contact — Mordred to Artoria, Ritsuka was approached by Medusa.
Ritsuka couldn’t remember seeing Medusa in a swimsuit before, but the simple black bikini with purple highlights suited her well. It had a refined, mature look in a subtle manner — fitting for Medusa.
“That swimsuit suits you.” Ritsuka voiced her unfiltered impression with a disarming smile.
“Thank you. I appreciate the compliment,” Medusa said.
[Whoa, look at Master raising a flag! Is a lily already about to bloom? Is she going to make this whole tournament and show of skills a waste of time!? Way to go, Master! Ruining everyone’s fun!]
Turned out BB was still capable of airing her commentary only directly into Ritsuka’s head, even when she was present personally. How annoying.
“Aren’t you going to play?”
“No. I’m not particularly good at such team sports… especially when the teams are assigned by someone else.”
“Ah, yeah…”
Although Medusa would certainly do better than at least half the players on the court, no doubt. There weren’t many Servants Medusa had a personal problem with after all, and none of those were present.
“This sport normally has line referees, doesn’t it? If you want, I can support you in that manner.”
Medusa put on a pair of glasses that she pulled out of nowhere, as though they would support her vision.
“In that case, I can take care of the other side’s line~”
Lady Avalon jumped into the conversation with a honey-laced offer that came right after she clung to Ritsuka’s arm. The white swimsuit was not a new sight, and Ritsuka didn’t pay the meddler any mind.
“Your little sister will do her best if she gets a little kiss as a reward~”
Ritsuka pulled her arm out of Lady Avalon’s embrace as some heat rushed to her cheeks. That woman was a succubus, all right. A ‘little kiss’ would be offering the finger that’ll get your whole arm ripped off, including the shoulder.
<That one is quite forward. Though it seems her approach failed. Maybe Fujimaru prefers girls who are more reluctant?>
[Eh, really? Well, that would explain her girlfriendlessness. Two bottoms are stuck never getting anywhere after all.]
A headache formed in Ritsuka’s temples, and she could only hope the match would start soon and get most of the attention.
Pulling Lady Avalon away from Ritsuka by the shoulder, earning a deliberately cutesy pout for it, Mashu cleared her throat.
“I’ll be your other line referee, Master,” she offered with a kind smile.
As expected from Mashu, who would always support Ritsuka to the best of her ability.
“Sure! I’d be happy to have you,” Ritsuka agreed, ignoring Lady Avalon’s whiney complaint in the back. “But aren’t you going to join? I would’ve thought…”
“I did sign up but was rejected immediately…” Mashu said with an apologetic smile as though it was her own fault.
“Huh? Why?”
“Notice from BB was, ‘Sorry, but I actually want this to be fun to watch. You provide not nearly enough drama or excitement. Go sit in the back like a good extra.’”
Ritsuka’s anger threatened to boil over. Why even let someone register for a tournament if you were going to reject applicants based on personal preference like that!?
[Don’t blame me. I could’ve put her on a team with that hedonistic dark succubus, but Senpai forbade me from doing that. It couldn’t be helped.]
<I thought you would appreciate those two keeping their distance — was I off?>
“… I guess it couldn’t be helped.” Ritsuka sighed. She should thank Hakuno for not letting BB put Lilith and Mashu in a team together. “In that case, I’ll rely on you.”
At least the line referees were reliable and to be trusted, unlike the rejected referee who put up a chair with a parasol in earshot — planning to watch the game with a cup of tea like the high-class lady she certainly was not.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
— Round 1 | First Game: Worst Parenting Fail VS Coldest Lords of Edge —
To absolutely nobody’s surprise, the first match was a highly aggressive game of beach volleyball. If not for BB nerfing players to a reasonable human level, almost every single spike would’ve been a lethal weapon.
Neither team really communicated nor agreed on a particular strategy, but after the first few points were made, both had some type of teamwork figured out that worked for them.
Mordred managed receives that lacked the precision she should be capable of, as she avoided proper eye contact with Artoria — no way to make proper passes while refusing to exchange as little as a glance with your team partner.
Although Artoria had no such aggressive ambition that propelled her forward in the same sloppy manner, she still couldn’t fully make up for Mordred’s small errors in judgement.
She had a good pass figured out eventually, and Mordred hit every spike with zero hesitation — so hard that even without the calling of its name, her soul still clearly called out Clarent Blood Arthur.
While the forward (aggressive) display of strength was certainly impressive, Ritsuka knew that Mordred wasn’t in top condition. Neither was Artoria. She knew the two Sabers well enough to tell they could do better — should do better.
Leave it to BB to put together a team that hinders itself. That probably was intentional.
“That’s another point for…” Ritsuka sighed. “For ‘Coldest Lords of Edge’.”
It almost physically hurt to use those team names unironically.
The ball clearly went way too far, hitting the sand not even close to the glowing line drawn on the sand. It didn’t take a line referee to tell.
“Mordred,” Artoria finally said.
“I know, I know!” Mordred interrupted before Artoria could say anything else. “You’re gonna tell me not to compensate precision with strength, aren’t you? I know that!”
“… good then.”
Yeah, this team was hopeless. Entirely hopeless.
Ritsuka felt bad for them.
Artoria had to ‘get along’ with her child whose feelings for Artoria were… complicated was an understatement. Not that Artoria would’ve known how to deal with Mordred even if things were more simple.
And Mordred was stuck with the ‘father’ whom she loved, admired, despised, and hated all at the same time.
To top it off — which really showed BB’s sadism — their opponents were a dark version of Artoria paired with an unrelated look-alike of the mother who set Mordred on her path, and the sister who plotted Artoria’s downfall.
It didn’t help that the edgy team worked together a lot better, even though they were certainly more hostile towards each other. But that stayed subtle, exchanged in a cold war that didn’t hurt their performance.
After all, it wasn’t as though their feelings towards each other were any complicated; they simply didn’t get along. And refused to try and communicate, too.
In consequence, they had wordlessly split their half of the court into the left and right sides, and neither infringed on the other’s territory. The ball was received by whoever’s territory it fell into, passed with reliable precision, and spiked with the cold fire of someone who hated to lose.
Artoria Alter and Morgan were not related, but they were alike enough that this was easily forgotten. Especially with them sharing the same face.
The few balls they missed and the occasional spike that hit the net or a patch of sand way out of the court were granted no more than a click of the tongue. Neither Artoria Alter nor Morgan was the type to dwell on errors to beat herself up.
“Match point,” Ritsuka announced.
It was Morgan’s serve — a stroke of luck for team ‘Worst Parenting Fail’, as Morgan’s plays weren’t quite as powerful as Artoria Alter’s; easier to receive and turn into own plays. A witch who spent millennia taking care of problems from afar with magecraft didn’t make for a great sports player.
With how many ribbons were part of her white and gold swimsuit, it was surprising that Morgan could play beach volleyball and move around without getting tangled up in them anyway. The bikinis of Artoria, Mordred, and Artoria Alter were much simpler in design.
Really, Morgan was the only one on the court with a swimsuit that looked impressively beautiful and was clearly crafted to draw attention. Perhaps this was one of the times in which her more girlish side peeked through; a trait that the other three with the same face but less developed physique on the court didn’t share.
Mordred received the ball that came directly at her and immediately got into position to jump as high as the pesky sand would allow her to. Once the ball returned to her — passed from Artoria — Mordred put all her winning intent into her right hand, which hit the ball at the highest point—
Right into the net.
“Ahhh, damn it! Dammit all!” Mordred kicked sand in frustration.
Artoria wanted to tell Mordred that she did well, or that she could become a much better player if she trained, or… anything, really. But she had a feeling that no matter what she said, it would’ve added insult to injury. So she remained silent.
In a sad sense of irony, that was the wrongest call to make.
“Match won by ‘Coldest Lords of Edge’!” Ritsuka called out. “But all of you played really well. Especially considering the circumstances…”
[Oh? Is a certain dense Master who couldn’t get a girlfriend if she paid for it trying to take a jab at the show’s host? Shouldn’t you know who is and isn’t a good target to pick a fight with? I thought humans have at least some basic survival instincts.]
Naturally, this part was broadcasted normally, for everyone to hear.
<That aside, the first match has been decided! Congratulations, ‘Coldest Lords of Edge’! It was a good and fair game. Don’t worry, there is no punishment for losing. I’m sure Fujimaru got some new impressions through this game, too. So everyone is a winner in that sense.>
“I… I guess, yeah,” Ritsuka admitted, though she wasn’t entirely sure.
[I guess our horny Master was too busy ogling her Servants in swimsuits like a freaking pervert. Geez, maybe we should put you on a leash… As soon as there’s some skin in sight, you can’t focus anymore. What, are you in heat? Then again, humans are in heat throughout the whole year.]
“That’s not it!” Ritsuka had to try and save her reputation; not that any of the Servants believed BB.
… did they? The way Morgan averted her gaze for a second spoke another story, and Mordred crossing her arms in front of her chest had suspicious timing as well.
‘Ugh, come on! I’m not like that…’
“You can ogle me anytime~” Lady Avalon piped up from her fancy singular seat, but was promptly ignored.
The worst you could do with a succubus was feed them. They were practically trolls in that regard.
[Anyway, we’ll hold a short break before the next game. This is your time to flirt with the hopelessly doomed-to-be-forever-alone bachelorette or find someone better to throw yourself at! Have fun!]
BB had something coming once this singularity was over, Ritsuka would make sure of that.
— After The Match: Artoria, taking one L after another in her life and beyond —
“I don’t think I could have performed better. It is a shame to drop out in the very first round but… In that particular matchup, it would have been difficult to win. Even from a Lostbelt, Morgan is a terrifying opponent.”
[Man, she hardly seems bothered about having lost.]
<That’s a knight for you. They can take a loss with dignity. There’s a really handsome appeal in that, no?>
[… is that the type you like, Senpai?]
<Hm, maybe?>
—
Seeing Artoria and Mordred at the lifeguard stand was worrying, but there was nothing Ritsuka could do.
“You see that barrier around the stand, right?” Lady Avalon wrapped her arms around Ritsuka from behind. “Even I would have a hard time sneaking in.”
“Is that because of Mordred’s attack on them earlier?”
“Fufu, no. They wouldn’t invite her in if that were the case. I’d say they are recording some of those scenes where the candidates comment on events for the show, and they don’t want any disturbance.”
“Makes sense.” Ritsuka nodded. “… wait, they aren’t actually airing this anywhere, right?”
“Ahaha~”
Leaving only an aura of flowers behind, Lady Avalon was gone without more of a trace than lingering lily-like flowers, faster than she had appeared out of nowhere.
“… right!?” Ritsuka raised her voice, fearing the worst.
— After The Match: Mordred, sore loser with daddy issues —
“I don’t have anything to say. No, nothing! Next time I’ll win!”
[Guess her fumble got to her real bad, huh? You’d think such a rebel would at least break a nose or two with a good spike when all the other players on the court are either her parents or look-alikes of them.]
<… BB, you really went a bit far with this match. Is this some personal vendetta of yours?>
[Me, and a personal vendetta? Well, as a final boss, naturally I have someone I want to take my dramatic revenge on! But sadly, she’s not here. So I’m only doing what’s necessary for a good quota.]
<Why do I have a feeling that you’re sulking?>
[… just your imagination, Senpai~]
—
Not much time was left before the next game — at a distance from the court sat Artoria and Mordred as far away from each other as space would allow at tables and chairs newly set up with parasols.
Waitresses with a vague look served sugary, cold drinks and food to those who sat in this relaxation area that was decorated with a gigantic sign with lights in the brightest, most obnoxious colors that read “LOSER’S AREA”.
They could watch the upcoming matches from a distance and were treated well, but not without humiliation. As expected from BB’s craft.
Ritsuka didn’t even want to know what other team names BB came up with… but could it even get worse?
After days of procrastination, I was pretty productive in writing today! I think I can update both "Petrichor" (Frozen Rain Melting) and "Chaldea Bachelorette" very soon.
I'm now also done with "First Raindrops" in terms of editing, yay!
I'm honestly not all that fine. God, that one chapter is such a gut punch.
Which means I can get started on the next fic in the Petrichor series in terms of writing now (I finished the planning/outline already) because I've been sooooo hyped to get into that just to now also feel I can't quite keep up with "First Raindrops" welp
... and then there's still some other things I wanted to do on the side, I also still have to work on the start of Chaldea Bachelorette, ahaha....
Hey, while we're on it, anyone have some new ship ideas I could get into and write oneshots for? I mean since I don't already have enough in mind yet, why not lmao
