I love sports but I’m not an athlete. This past January I quit my division III collegiate fencing team. I found sabre fencing as a freshman in high school, went to my first Nationals that summer and continued that pattern every year for the rest of high school. Fencing was fun; it was a mental and a physical game of chess. I loved pushing my body to the limit and focusing on my mental game. The balance with school was an insane challenge but it was a challenge I loved. Competing was fun and I was surprisingly good at it!
Then everything changed. The summer nationals when I was entering my junior year, I fell during a bout. I fell and though I didn’t know it then, I tore the ligaments in my ankle. I took time off and did physical therapy, desperate to return to the sport I loved so much. Unfortunately while I was rehabilitating physically, I forgot to look after myself mentally. When I returned to my sport only to find that I would never escape pain in my ankle, causing my game to be changed completely. I hit a plateau. It was rare I didn’t cry after a practice or dread attending a tournament. I thought I was finished.
Still, fencing was something I was familiar with, I wasn’t going to give up simply because my ankle hurt. I finished fencing through high school, and ended up getting recruited for college. I was hesitant to accept because the pain was so bad, it was one thing to motivate myself to get through the last two years of high school, but it was another thing to motivate myself to get through another four years in college. Another four years during which the coach had assured me freshman year that I would be one of the main starters. Still, the college was ideal for me so I tentatively accepted.
When I showed up to my first collegiate fencing practice I was in despair. I was struggling to hold my mental game together and my coach expected me to be a mentor for the women’s sabre team even though half the members were upperclassmen. I took on the challenge and I forced my way through it. My family didn’t help either as I made it into article after article due to my results from each tournament, they would text me telling me how proud they were. I wanted to be proud too, but I couldn’t. I was in pain. I didn’t think I was good enough, my confidence had deteriorated so much since the moment I injured my ankle.
I thought I could push through the four years. I thought I was willing to sacrifice free time yet again to do what I saw as my responsibility, my duty. And that’s when I had to pull out of one of the tournaments because my ankle hurt too badly. I had tripped earlier that day and when I finished one of my bouts I was in tears. I had been having an excellent day, I had won all seven of the bouts I fenced in, but my coach pulled me because he saw my pain. The next couple of practices were hell as the pain was worse than ever.
That’s when I had my first talk with my coach and told him what was going on. He wasn’t happy, but he was extremely supportive. I quit two months later. I still am allowed to practice with the team but I’m no longer a member. And I couldn’t be happier and I’m free from the throbbing ankle pain.
So why do I say I love sports? Even though I experienced all of that? It’s because I experienced all of that. Even after everything, I wouldn’t go back and stop myself from fencing. I learned so many things. I learned about time management, I learned what my body was capable of, I made friends, I had a lot of laughs, and I had many unforgettable experiences. But more importantly, I learned that I can get through anything. I persevered. I pushed myself to the breaking point but I survived and I’m happier for it. I got to know myself better and I got to be a literal warrior (excluding the fact that fencing involves a sword). I stood on a battlefield and I won. So I may not compete again, but there will always be a special place in my heart for fencing and other sports.
My medals may be in a forgotten corner collecting dust but everything I learned is fresh in my mind, constantly being applied to my life. I’m not an athlete. But I love sports.
10 points!! you made the right choice! glad to hear you are happier!
