I'm Okay. Team i's phanfic [49 points!]
Warning the following phanfic may be sad, it inspired by my life a year ago.
*****
A grey misty fog blew over the skyline of London. The wind rolling dead leaves off the ground. Footsteps pitter, pattering on the streets below.
The sun setting, the glowing auburn red of the sky. Setting ablaze, reading itself to the pitch-black abyss. Where only distant glimmers of hope and dreams waver in light form. Overshadowed by the apparent quarter crescent moon, to mark the ever-expanding sky.
I sat in the corner underneath the window, the walls cold to the touch. Chipped paint scattered the floor. My hands grasping a notebook, tear stains over the cover, and pages follow suit. My feelings all bundled up on paper.
How I felt, emotionally, and as a person. Trying to forget again the words running continuously through my head.
“You can’t do that.”, “You are useless.”, “Retard”, “You should just go ahead and kill yourself.”, “No one wants’s you here.”, “Why do you even bother?” Words, that’s all they are, words. Why do they hurt me so much? It’s like they are twisting a knife deep in my stomach. Creating a wound deep, and harsh. A wound that will never heal. No matter how long ago it was. I was raised to be kind, and considerate of others. To help those in need, be honest with others. Listen and take care. Yet I never learnt how to be my own person. Live for my own reasons. Then the excuse, I cannot die, it would destroy those around me. Then I still try, failing every time.
My name is Phil Lester, I have no visible marks of depression. Though the disease controlling my body every day is still present. It burrows deep in my soul, forcing a fake smile on my face daily. Dragging me into a spiral of blackness. Where HE is.
The demon that holds my fears, my anxiety everything that leads me to even wonder. What is the meaning of life? Every time his face emerges with a smirk. My body barren from any breath. Almost like I’m choking. That thing that lives in darkness, I named him Holton. He takes away my happiness bit by bit. Chipping away at my energy, my determination to even try.
He’s the voice that dragged me deeper into the pits of hell. Is there any reason why should I be happy? After all, many people, have told me, that my life is not worth it in the end.
His voice chuckled, staring into my eyes. “There is nothing more to live than killing ourselves slowly. Just waiting for it to end and bring us to a glory we all deserve. Why would we deserve such a thing? A chance at a place named heaven. A place dictated by religious beliefs on who can make it, and sins ca be re-written by a blessing. What is the point? Working hard, playing nice whilst destroying the things around us. Thinking it be fine, after this I’ll be free. How are we so sure? How are we certain of heaven, if this form of reality is all we truly know? Where every becomes an epidemic that can affect many. The planet we are killing is this our chance to make it heaven. Or are we killing the planet as we know it is hell? Where violence hurts everything around us, deaths of those who we knew wrecks us to be incomplete fools. Begging for our own lives to take place next. Hell, this is exactly what this place is.”
“What are you talking about?” My voice cracked, shocked as this is the first time I have heard his voice. “Just about how you absolutely mean nothing to this world.” The voice sneered. “After all, you are stuck in this world where nothing actually matters. There is no point leaving a mark on this world.” It started to walk in circles around me.
“STOP IT” I screamed on top of my lungs, flying back to the real world if you could call it that. Tears rolling down my face once more.
Then why am I bothering to fight back, to gain sanity? To get back to a person I once knew. A person that used to make videos, able to laugh. A person who didn’t take hate to heart. A person where their eyes had colour. Not look empty, so dull. A person that still had, Dan.
I lost him, a long time ago. We had a fight, he left my side. He blocked every mean of saying sorry. He was my rock through everything. That day, I had a breakdown. I was caught up in so many bad events. I could not get rid of those feelings.
I told him it was no point in being friends anymore. Those words broke us apart harder and left us shattered like broken glass. He asked me if I cared anymore. I wanted to stop caring, I wanted to stop everything. Remove everything, as if I have never existed.
I turned to the last page of my book, and wrote, carefully not trying to smudge the ink with my tears. “Dear Dan, goodbye old friend. I remember we made a pack where we would drag each other down. Just to keep us from ever doing it. I’m finally going to get help Dan, I know it may be late but I’ll hope we can be friends again, maybe, one day. If we ever meet I’ll be a new person, I know I can’t go back to the old Phil, I may be sucked down to the depths of hell again. Remember me, Dan, as I know I won’t ever forget you.”
I placed the pen down on the ground, rolling it away from me. I smiled lightly at the notebook “This is going to be hard, and he is going to interfere. I’m going to fight back, and regain something new. Take care of yourself, and make sure no one else makes their way down here.” I placed the notebook down, standing up with a stagger.
“I’m okay.” I stuttered walking out the room, turning out the lights and shutting the door behind me. Writing a new chapter in my life.