#chanfictions.depressionthoughts

[chanfictions]

Little bit of an update of sorts, or something.

Still alive.

Still stressed the fuck out.

Still not writing.

Still not sure when I'll be back.

I don't know. Just ugh.

[chanfictions]

Go to someplace you enjoy. Take a long deep breath and say to yourself out loud. "I am only human" take just a moment to exist. Simply exist. I'm not saying this will heal your depression I'm not claiming this as a cure to anxiety, but understand, you are you in fact only human and there is only so much you can do to fight your own brain.

I genuinely hope I do not sound preachy, I just want you to give yourself some time to breathe and just...be.

Hey anon -- it doesn't sound preachy at all. I appreciate the message.

I wish I had more time to just breathe, but life and bills and dogs wait for no one. The issue with even taking this vacation is that all it did was delay and compound the heap of shit I've been struggling to deal with at work because I can't focus and fail to see the point in doing anything because the world is on fire and the country I live in seems like it's just going to implode. I struggle to take time outs like this in general because all it does is delay whatever impending disaster I feel is coming.

The world doesn't care that I can barely get out of bed most mornings. Companies don't care that my depression is kneecapping my ability to work. I can't even bring myself to metion it to them because I fear it will put a target on my back. Falling apart as an adult isn't the same as it is when you're in high school and college -- and I know, because I did that too. Many times. Concessions aren't made -- compromises on work and study don't exist. Delays aren't acceptable. There is only the death machine, hungry for workers. If I bow out to take care of me, all that's going to happen is that I'll lose my job and likely end up somewhere worse, and then we'll do this whole song and dance all over again, but I'll have a heap of debt to contend with on top of everything else.

The world I live in is cold and uncaring. There's a whole lot of "suck it up, buttercup" when you're grown, on your own, and struggling to exist in an environment not designed for malfunctioning brains. The social awkwardness of a shy, depressed teenager wasn't outgrown. In my case, it just grew into a bloated beast that has kept me from being able to do anything because I'm just fucking paralyzed. All. The fucking. Time. I'm drowning in doubt and self-loathing, but all I can do is stuff it and put on that fake fucking smile for Zoom meetings because I need this job.

I'm going to the doctor again to try yet another cocktail of shit to try to convince my brain to function normally, but I don't think that anything is going to work at this point. Maybe back to a shrink or a therapist, but I have doubts about that too. I can tell you everything that's wrong with me and exactly why I am the way I am. I don't need to pay someone $250 an hour to tell me that. I know what broke me on those levels. But my brain was defective straight out of the factory, which makes this all so goddamn complicated.

I do all of the things you're supposed to do to deal with depression on a physical level. Exercise, eating, sleeping right, mindfulness. It doesn't fucking help. Maybe because I do things to the extreme. I don't know. Being anxious, depressed, and struggling to contain the monster of an eating disorder that nearly killed me is a lot to deal with. Eating right makes that monster twitchy, as does exercise. Everything must be perfect. I must be perfect. Sleeping "right" makes the inky creature of gloom and despair slither out from under the bed and into my head to fill it with noise and visions of wooden dolls with straw hair and Glasgow smiles. I feel like I just can't fucking win.

Ugh.

Fuck, this turned into another word-vomitty rant. Sorry, folks. I'll be back to writing again and acting like an actual fanfiction blog soon. Almost done with the next prompt anyway.

[chanfictions]

Just another crumbling rant about my failing mental health. Block the tag if you don't want to hear this shit. Just venting.

I would really like to know what it's like to be a functioning human -- what it's like to just do your laundry, dishes, make dinner, and go for a run without being crippled by constant existential dread.

How does one go to sleep just to recharge? Sleep only exists to avoid consciousness.

Why do bodies need food? I'd rather be a fucking plant. At least then the sun wouldn't be as likely to catch me on fire for daring to spend time in it.

And socializing? Relationships? People? Why. Why do we do these things. Why is it important to maintain relationships with people you barely care about? What's the point if it's all just superficial? It's not like any of these people actually care about each other. It's all just a facade. Cleverly painted cardboard cutouts.

I really don't get it. I just can't. I have never had "normal". I don't know how to be a fucking person. I'm 33 years old, and I still don't know how to be a fucking person. No one left me an instruction booklet for this shit.

Ugh. I'm frustrated. Frustrated that I'm like this. Frustrated that I can't remember what fun is or what it felt like to be excited about something. Frustrated that I can't write or think or focus on fuckall anything for more than thirty seconds before my brain races off to another topic and I forget that someone was talking to me.

I'm so fucking tired.

[chanfictions]

TLDR -- posts will be slow. Brain is broken again.

I'm on another doom spiral, so I don't know how frequently I'm going to be posting. I can't focus. Moods are all over the place. I oscillate between apathy and intense melancholy, then swing to rage and back again. I live in my head. My writing has gone to total shit. I don't even feel like I'm in my own body anymore or in my own life for that matter.

So, here we go again. I don't know how long I'll be away or if I'm going to magically post tomorrow like I didn't just admit that I'm losing my mind a few sentences ago. I don't know anything anymore.

Don't rush growing up, kids. Being an adult is miserable.

I'm so fucking tired.

[chanfictions]

Rant incoming. Just me crumbling about my broken brain. Depressed Chan thoughts under the cut for those who don't want to read this kind of thing.

Being depressed is so fucking exhausting. I'm piloting a meat puppet that hates me and always needs something. Food. Water. Self care and hygiene. I feel like I'm one of my characters in the Sims being played on hardmode where all activities have a negative multiplier. The bars for happiness will never fill, no matter what task the poor, senseless avatar does in an attempt to satisfy the unsatisfiable.

Every day, I wake up, and it's all the same. The same cup of coffee. The same routine. The same job. The same unfulfilled ache in my chest that I don't know how to quell.

I shout into the void and scribble out my maladaptive daydreams because I don't know what to do with myself, which is funny, because I've always been this way. You'd think being alive for three decades would have granted me some clarity. But no. Some days, I'm cleverly disguised as a functioning adult. Others, I'm quietly falling apart with the knowledge that nothing I do on this Earth ultimately matters because in the end, the Universe will crumble to dust and we will all be nothing but decaying heat, floating along in an expanse of nothingness until the last atoms in existence finally fall apart.

So I just sit here, phone in hand as I stare into the endless scroll of the internet and my pages upon pages of rambling garbage, searching for the unfindable Thing that might bring me a glimmer of happiness.

What is that Thing, you might ask? Fuck if I know.

Ugh.

[chanfictions]

fuck, chan. i'm sorry. i'm so, so sorry.

because i feel the exact same way every single day and i wouldn't wish the feeling on anyone. every second of existence feels like a weight dragging me down and i am overwhelmed by the inanity of existence.

i wish i could offer hope or suggest some way to find meaning and beauty in the world around you to help quell the dully, drab ache.

but i can't, and i'm sorry.

all i can offer is solidarity.

i am here too, in this awful abyss of wanting. i haven't found anything to soothe the emptiness, yet, but i hope you do soon. <3

Thank you ❤

I don't mean to clog people's feeds with my sad ramblings. It's just been a frustrating... something. I want to say few days or few weeks, but it's more than that. Just... yuck. I'm gonna cuddle my cat and maybe daydream about being a person without a broken brain in a place that I don't hate.

Block the tag chanfictions.depressionthoughts if you don't want to see this kinda stuff pop up on your feed again. Winter is here, which means I feel shittier than usual, so there will probably be more rants about this.

[chanfictions]

Hello winter, my old nemesis. The sunshine is gone and took all of my joy with it. Back to sleeping 16 hours a day, dreaming of a different life. I knew the summer was too good to be true. The familiar, suffocating wrap of the cold, dark cloud that is depression is creeping in around me again. I can feel it breathing down the back of my neck, whispering its siren song of nihilistic melancholy in my ear.

There is no point, to anything, my dear.

Ugh.

[chanfictions]

Just another of my famous Chanfictions rants about life with depression. Shitty shit under the cut.

Depression doesn't care if you're rich or poor. It doesn't care where you are or how much your vacation cost. It doesn't care who you burn with your apathy and mood swings. It's just a black hole of endless suffering.

It consumes the sunshine and fouls the colors in the sky.

It deadens the sweet sounds of crashing waves.

It leaves you as a shell of your former self, wondering if you'll ever find all of the pieces again to make yourself whole.

It sneaks up on you, just when you think that maybe you might be okay this time.

I'm having a bad day today, and I shouldn't be. I'm at the ocean, and the sun is shining, but everything is muddy shades of brown and grey because reality is waiting for me on Monday, and I just fucking can't.

I shouldn't complain, though, because there were rescue vehicles patrolling the beach a little while ago. Someone is lost and having a much worse day than me. Wallowing in my own suffering feels so fucking selfish, but here I am.

Ugh.