#characterization.

[mercywept]

SEVIATHAN, MARRIAGE. IF WE WERE A MOVIE, YOU'D BE THE RIGHT GUY! AND I'D BE THE BEST FRIEND YOU'D FALL IN LOVE WITH; WE'D BE LAUGHING, WATCHING THE SUNSET, FADE TO BLACK ... PLAY THAT HAPPY SONG.

[lucyjanelee]

AN ARM'S LENGTH: AN ANALYSIS AND BREAKDOWN OF LUCY'S SEXUALITY AND RELATIONSHIP HABITS. CONTENT WARNINGS ARE AS FOLLOWS — MENTIONS OF SEX / MASTURBATION, MALADAPTIVE COPING MECHANISMS, AND VAGUE REFERENCES TO TRAUMA.

lucy’s relationship with her sexuality is a difficult subject. while she, like anyone else, has wants, desires, and needs, she’s also someone who is extremely avoidant and fearful when it comes to emotional   (or even long term)   connections. lucy tends to be someone who runs away from anything the minute she feels that it’s becoming too personal, or doesn’t even give it the opportunity to go towards that trajectory. for that reason, a majority of lucy’s connections are one night stands or brief encounters. seeing as she moves from place to place fairly often, never settling down or staying long, there’s a plethora of other reasons and difficulties that she’d run into if attempting to pursue a connection   —   however, the primary and sole reason that things never develop is because she, simply, does not want them to.

lucy functions to extremes when she is avoiding connection. one night stands get fake names, fake phone numbers, and due to her struggling with setting boundaries, they tend to get some sort of false promise as well. she will tell individuals that she will call them, that she’ll try to get together with them soon, et cetera, all while knowing that everything she’s given them will lead them nowhere. she doesn’t feel any sort of guilt or remorse for that, either, as she believes that it isn’t a massive difference and that a one night stand could never truly be all that special to get hung up on, regardless.

in the case of her one night stands, even the progression towards them is fairly difficult. lucy struggles with understanding how to flirt   (due to a lack of experience in developing relationships)   and feels fairly awkward about   “being sexy.”   she doesn’t tend to seek people out, but because of the places she frequents   (dive bars, pool halls, et cetera),   she will and has ended up with brief encounters all the same. once someone does approach her, however, it’s almost an 100% chance that she’ll end up with that person for the night. not because lucy has no standard or preference, but more so because she struggles to say no and set boundaries if she isn’t interested. often times, lucy will fall into encounters simply on the basis that she doesn’t know how to draw a line or refuse someone. her struggle in being able to stand up for herself is centric around non-platonic connections, and becomes emphasized the most with strangers she doesn’t feel any sort of comfort, security, or safety in.

this isn’t to say that lucy doesn’t enjoy her connections, or that she’s uninterested in sex itself, though. lucy leans hypersexual, being someone who masturbates frequently   (as well as consumes a very unwell amount of hardcore porn),   and engages in sex regularly for her own benefit and want. regardless of that, though, lucy is simultaneously someone who struggles to orgasm in the bedroom. when masturbating, she doesn’t tend to struggle at all, but when with another person   (specifically in the vein of short term connections)   she often, if not always, is someone who walks away without orgasming. she tends to fake it about 90% of the time, especially if the basis of the sex is penatrative, which both comes from   “signaling”   the sex is over, but also from an inability and struggle to not perform for the other person to some extent. it draws back to her struggles in setting boundaries, feeling as if she cannot be honest or truthful because it won’t be regarded as acceptable or, in the case of rejection, enough. 

because a majority of her experiences have been one night stands, lucy’s understanding of foreplay and even what she   (realistically)  enjoys is fairly minimal. most, if not all, of her experiences in sex have been basic, run of the mill cis-heteronormative sex that centers around penetration. she hasn’t explored a lot of her pleasure with another individual, most of the time only exploring her pleasure privately and with herself. this, in some way, is another boundary of disconnection. lucy tends to fracture the sense of intimacy through these means of dishonesty or lack of attention towards herself, placing everyone at an arm’s length just by proxy of the fact that she isn’t allowing her real self to show up to begin with. 

due to the fact that her experiences have been so incredibly cis-heteronormative, it’s important to mention that lucy, regardless of her bisexuality, has never been with another woman. she daydreams about them, admires them from afar, and watches lesbian porn in increasing frequencies, but she’s never actually had an experience due to both how she operates   (i.e:   letting other people approach her first),   and due to her internal struggles with the feelings themselves. 

in a realistic and true sense, lucy needs long term connection to be able to feel safe and secure enough both in the relationship itself and her body. she needs someone who she can consistently learn her body with   (as well as them learning hers),   and begin to understand how to establish certain truths in the bedroom. she needs someone she feels comfortable enough with to say that something doesn’t feel good, that it does feel good, or even that she isn’t feeling anything at all. lucy’s means of connection   (i.e:   one night stands)   are unrealistic for a survivor like her. they don’t foster the type of intimacy that she truly needs to be able to enjoy sex to the fullest. this isn’t to say that lucy doesn’t enjoy her current encounters to some extent   (as she does feel pleasure even if she doesn’t orgasm)   but more to say that the method she uses to navigate her relationships isn’t one that allows her to show up in the bedroom in a real way.

on the topic of relationships, everything mirrors the above. lucy needs long term, committed connection to be able to slowly   (but surely)   reveal things about herself, open up about the simplest of things, and become comfortable and safe enough to establish herself as a person in the relationship, no matter what that means. short term or brief connections leave an enabling factor that puts her in a position of never feeling the need, want, or pressure   (which she needs)   to start sharing emotional intimacy. 

emotional intimacy is, truthfully, the key thing in lucy’s life that she’s missing. lucy is someone who has survived a very specific kind of relational trauma, and while she believes that keeping everyone at an arm’s length is something that keeps her safe, all it does is stagnate her ability to address, process, and overcome certain elements of her past and life. she’s never been on a date, she’s never had a relationship, she’s never experienced the trial and error / argument and repair of what it means for a relationship to exist in the long-term. because of this, a lot of her ability to move through relationships in a progressive way   (not even healthy, but progressive)   is stunted in the beginning of dynamics. depending on how the other character proceeds, the development shapes from there, but if she’s only to engage in one night stands, then that process never truly starts.

healthy relationships are built off a basis of growth, emotional intimacy, and equity. lucy proceeds in her life in the complete opposites. she avoids anything longer than a night, not sharing anything that touches close to her heart, and then, by proxy, creates an imbalance in the relationship right from the beginning. the reality of what lucy has survived means that while she may think she’s interested in brief encounters, hardcore sex, and living in a perpetual whirlwind one-night-only state, what she really needs   (or, rather, what her nervous system needs)   to achieve something beneficial is long term connections that foster an environment that her body and mind can acclimate to, and eventually feel safe / secure in. what lucy believes to be pleasure is just familiarity. what she believes to be safety are just protective measures.

[daisiblings]

mari has the type of autism that makes her start bar fights as a way to engage with her special interest (martial arts). mark has the type of autism that makes him insult you ten times because he’s “just being honest”

[solotactic]

emilie is normally touch averse, BUT TOUCH STARVED IN HER RELATIONSHIPS. her partners are the only ones with an explicit okay to gather her up in their arms and hold.

[maridai]

DEATH BY A THOUSAND CUTS: AN ANALYSIS AND PLAY BY PLAY OF MARI GROWING UP JAPANESE-AMERICAN, AND THE IMPACTS THIS HAS ON HER NOW. CONTENT WARNINGS ARE AS FOLLOWS — MICRO-AGGRESSIONS, RACISM, INTERNALIZED RACISM, MENTIONS OF ABUSE, MENTIONS OF MANIPULATION.

growing up as sansei / third generation japanese-american, mari experienced  (in varying & different degrees)  what it meant not only to her family, or herself, but also what it meant to the world around her. both mark  (her brother)  and mari were named very intentionally non-japanese / asian names. both of her parents   (kenji dai + sumiko furuya-dai)  grew up as second generation, with heavily traditional japanese ideals and expectations set into place. these expectations pushed both of her parents forward in vastly different ways, with her father pursuing a law degree and climbing the ladder in an intense need to not only prove himself, but also provide. in contrast, her mother pursued a medical degree, with intense pressure from her parents regarding settling down & finding a    “good man"    instead of prioritizing her career. within these two having the idea of   "pulling themselves up by the bootstraps"   that is only furthered in the model minority myth & unsaid expectations of both families, both experienced their fair share of understanding on what it meant to be not only seen as immigrants before anything else  (particularly within the scope of more professional aspects)  but also how it impacted their ability / ease to be successful in ways that others were able to obtain quicker.

with the intentional naming of their children, mari's father had also trained himself out of any accent as much as he possibly could. her mother still held a heavier one, and spoke more japanese in daily life than her father did, but both did lean towards intermingling the language throughout both of their children's lives. growing up with these switches in language being prevalent in the household, mari does know japanese. it isn't something that has been lost on her, even in current day. however, it is very rare to hear it from her  (if at all), as it was learned in early childhood that it was rejected or looked downward upon outside of her household. growing up in a primarily white and upper class neighborhood, there was a disconnect between what her life looked life versus what her peers' lives looked like even far before any dysfunction in the household raised to extreme proportions. in her earliest years, it was focused more toward the language that she had come to know as something to fluctuate in and out of simply out of habit & it being commonplace in her family. she would slip into phrases or words that adults found   "endearing"   (leaning into the whole infantilization and demeaning perspective of it all)   and other children found foreign and something to be looked down on or to be made fun of.

in older years, this would translate entirely differently. in high school, mari was asked often  (and frequently upon first interactions)  to   "say something in chinese.”   it becomes obviously and clearly understood that it is not a true want to see her culture, especially considering she is not chinese in the slightest, and instead a form of   "entertainment"   for people. despite the japanese that she knows, it's very strictly ingrained into her that it is a piece of herself to hide away. whether for safekeeping, or for the sake of not engaging with those kinds of comments alike, it is something that even in current day will almost never be heard from her even in her most relaxed moments. those comments combined with the   “where are you from, originally"  +    "you speak english so well"  rhetoric, forces the perspective onto her that she is an outsider to everyone else. the  (bigoted)  idea that asian people are perpetual foreigners is extremely prevalent in her younger years.

mari's early years are very much defined by that understanding. her mother's fall from grace  (going from a well respected doctor to then an alcoholic stay at home mom)  also meant that her mother's presence around any of her peers was more consistent. there's a very solid period of time that mari blames her mother  (and by extension, being asian)  for her lack of friends and general disconnect to the world. this is shaped not only by the initial factors of being sent to school with food that is commented on as  "smelly"  or  "weird"  (thus leaving her to sit alone and become further disconnected / isolated), but also in the fact that her mother had a much heavier accent than her father did, and was more willing  (especially within the context to her lack of sobriety and general care at that time)  to speak to mari in bits and pieces of japanese — which, although quietly and behind her back, were mocked particularly within her elementary school years. she learns during these essential moments of development that to show the existence of your culture, not even intentionally but simply by proxy of your existence, is shunned.

these microaggressions and highly influential points of racism only sever her connection / understanding with the world further, and push her into a hatred and resentment of both herself and her family. the factor of having that disconnect and loneliness even within the context of her own household raises these resentments to strikingly and severe levels of rage towards the story that's being presented to her. she experiences loneliness / rejection not just in her home life, but also within the aspect of her school / social life as well. the willingness to say or do awful things to her face transcends outside of her household, as the preconceived  (and while deeply racist, still remains heavily ingrained)  notion of feminine asian people being more submissive and less of a threat allow a level of comfortability to say anything & everything that is deemed  "just a joke"  to her. for mari  (and of course any other asian person as well, but particularly within the context of a violently abusive and neglectful childhood), this becomes deeply personal. it's yet another factor of her life she cannot control. it's both an erasure of her culture and a prevailing presence of it that hinders her ability to truly soothe any kind of that loneliness or emotional isolation in her life.

specifically around middle school is when things become extraordinarily difficult for her, with her father's abuse becoming increasingly more frequent  (although not solely directed at her yet,)  and the cruelest years of adolescence coming to light. even previous to the physical abuse aspect in her household, mari's family  (as a lot of asian households do) did not function in emotional transparency. it is an unsaid yet wholly understood precedent and expectation that anything of that nature was to be buried, that it would hinder not only the family itself but could also influence reputation, respect, and general viewpoint on them. due to the increasing tensions in the dai household, the coping mechanisms that her parents present to her are deeply damaging to mari's psyche and understanding on how  (or more specifically, how not)  to speak of emotion. living in an upper class neighborhood, there was a pressure to sustain the expectations of those they associated with. while having that financial privilege on her side, mari experienced a significant lack of privilege  (as well as an expectation to live up to what was presented around her)  in the societal norms / concepts and viewpoint on not just her, but her family as well. she reaped the rewards of finance and wealth, yet nothing of true emotional or social privilege.

these expectations of who people believe mari to be become displayed in increasingly transparent ways in middle school, with the expectation of high grades coming not just from her parents, but from teachers as well. mark excelled in school, always being a very dedicated student and primarily keeping to himself — filling a  "prodigy kid"  role that the model minority myth presents to asian families. mari found herself stepping into shoes that she didn't want to fill, and despite natural inclination and draw toward intellect, rebelled against any form of formal academia. this immediately slotted her into the  "black sheep"  role of her family, even from outside perspective. the  "pulled up from their bootstraps"  mentality that most of the surrounding adults held toward the dai family comes into play heavily here, as mari's mother & father are financially successful and  (outwardly)  representative of the  "american dream." yet in contrast, mari rebels, barely passing classes and refusing to listen to any authority. in turn, this inevitably sparks whispers of how the dai's daughter is troubled — passing blame toward her mother's increasingly more evident displays of alcoholism during these years and by extension, damaging the once pristine reputation that her father had once yearned for so deeply.

this rebellion only increases in her high school years, and while still experiencing tumultuous times at home & in school, mari is able to find some kind of connection through her use of drugs and alcohol. although no friendship is sustained for long, she has some semblance of that loneliness being soothed. it eventually comes to a head, with her experiencing her first crush and receiving a  "i'm not really into girls like you"  in response. although not outrightly said, mari fully understands what this means. this rejection  (and the reason for it)  internalizes deeply, and is not ever processed or acknowledged in its entirety. in high school years, it does display as mari having a tendency to lean toward seeking approval  (or acceptance)  from white peers to find some kind of affirmation that she isn't seen differently in the sheer fact of her culture or ethnicity. it's a heavy yet absolutely subconscious need that isn't fully understood to her, but presents itself consistently at that time. the internalization of this severe and constant rejection in both home life & social life becomes a prevailing factor when elijah comes into the picture.

when elijah enters her life, mari is in the very beginning stages of learning what it means to be her. she’s significantly lost, often feeding off of the confirmation that she has an ability to be accepted in some capacity or another. she leans into the want and need of being the most powerful person in the room, and is only furthered in the perspective of her playing "games"  that allow her to gain the response she's seeking. every bit of it is done out of spite, feeling as if she's spitting in the face of everyone who has ever rejected or looked down upon her. it's as if she's holding every interaction up to the world and saying,  "see? you were wrong about me,"  over and over and over despite the fact that those people aren't even looking her way anymore. it's a vicious and relentless haunting of girlhood that displays itself as a compulsive need to prove herself not only endlessly worthy, but entirely different than she feels anyone has ever seen her.

in elijah’s doubtlessly predatory, but openly eager approach, this need surges to the forefront. elijah is more than happy to provide approval of a different kind  (albeit, with a cost,)  and mari chases after it in any capacity he asks for. combined with the fact that elijah is a conventionally attractive man who falls into the eurocentric standards of desirability, and the point of mari being younger and deprived of any kind of true acknowledgement of self, she falls into the cycle of their relationship easily. mari has a deep need to be seen that is not only created from her abusive and neglectful household, but also from the lack of acknowledgement in her youth of anything deeper or of more intimate knowledge of her. all of that anger and resentment mixes with these deeply created wounds, and in the end, she becomes eager for any kind of solution that feels even remotely similar to acceptance. that feeling of fluctuating and highly dependent on the moment acceptance only extends out to two years before circumstances shatter, leaving her standing in the ashes of who she used to be, yet still struggling with the lack of control that transcended throughout every aspect of her life.

this rage and all consuming need eventually translates back into what we see now, with her fixations on justice / retribution and her willingness to use what used to be seen as  "weakness"  or was previously looked down upon to her advantage. she uses stereotypes and preconceived notions for her gain, will prey on any bit of allure that draws people in, and is still in a constant state of spite:   spitting into the faces of every person who has ever hurt or rejected her to prove that she is more than what they thought her to be. her delusions of grandeur become a subconscious way of coping against the relentless rejection she's experienced throughout her life. she sees it as if she's won the game and sacrificed every bit of self for this  "ascension of god - like proportions," using any remaining bits of disadvantage to her advantage in the fullest and most dramatic capacity possible. it's as if she is taunting the world, over and over — saying,  "you didn't recognize my power for what it was, now you will pay the ultimate price for it."

"  ...   you're lonely because of your emptiness, you're lonely because of your home, you're lonely because the world mistreats you and pushes you to the margins at every turn. you pick up a knife, watch the blade gleam in your hand, and you think you see a reflection of a higher power staring back at you. and you're still lonely, but you sharpen that loneliness into anger.  "   —  an excerpt on mari dai, by tal.

[sinalman]

Valeria is the only girl in her family, and the youngest among four children. As such, she grew up in an environment where the idea of machismo was very much woven into her family dynamic. The men of the family could do no wrong and were free to do as they pleased, while Valeria was expected to treat her male counterparts with the utmost respect and assist her mother around the household. This mostly translated into helping with cooking, cleaning, and other household chores while her brothers were free to pursue their own interests.

Her father served in the Mexican army, and all her brothers followed in his footsteps and pursued a career within the Mexican military. Though her parents emphasized the importance of receiving a higher education, it was always undercut with the expectation that Valeria would eventually settle down, find a husband, and start a household of her own. Rather than do what her family expected of her, Valeria joined the Mexican army and eventually became a part of the Mexican Special Forces. She is the only one among her siblings to have accomplished this.

Though her enlistment in the army was a means to break the mold of what was expected of her as a woman living in a man's world, she quickly discovered the double standard within the army. Female soldiers weren't treated with the same respect as their male counterparts, nor were they taken very seriously by their training officers. In order to rank up, Valeria had to work twice as hard and push herself beyond her limits to even be considered on a level similar to her fellow male soldiers, let alone become the leader of her own squad.

Even as a squad leader, Valeria is held to a higher standard. Her unit is 'clean cut' because if there are any mistakes, or rules broken, the blame would fall on her, and the retribution from her superiors would be swift.

The rampant sexism and corruption within the Mexican army is a large part of why Valeria eventually becomes El Sin Nombre. After years of service, with little recognition, and little to show for her hard work Valeria is incredibly frustrated with the system. It's a never ending cycle of fighting tooth and nail for a shred of respect, only to be judged for every action, every decision made, with very little progress made. She will never be enough simply because she is a woman, and the enemy they fight is too powerful, and better funded than they are. They are fighting a Sisyphean war.

Becoming a part of the cartel provides her an opportunity to gain status above anything she could ever dream of accomplishing in the Fuerzas Especiales. The power is ultimately what attracts her to switch sides, and eventually rise to the position of El Sin Nombre. Now the 'nameless' leader of Las Almas cartel she is able to reinvent herself, assume a new identity separate from her gender, and build her very own empire.

[fthrfwl]

A LETTER FROM @willowdied​​ ARRIVES CONCERNING THE META :     META   +   her daughter     /     mortal realm family.

i would like to imagine that esmé was already pregnant before meeting chirp,   it wasn't noticeable and chirp didn’t know   (  she also didn’t understand how human reproduction works so she wouldn’t have known anyway  ).     esmé was doing her at - home workout routine,  which consisted of running on the treadmill,  when she heard a  LOUD THUMP  at a nearby window.     when she went to check it out,  she finds an injured chirp,  who was distracted and flew straight into her glass window.     esmé casted cure wounds and she,  being nice,  invited chirp inside to which she obliged.     they got to know each other—mostly it was esmé asking genuine,  normal questions   (  she is a journalist in my headcanon  )   while chirp was asking questions related to s3x and trying to segue that into the bedroom—and they did,  indeed,  fuck.

it wouldn’t be the last time seeing her though.     when chirp visited the material plane   (  it being like the second or third time  ),  she was very curious about the stuff the kind stranger told her so on her little sight seeing adventure,  she encountered esmé while she was working and was offered going out for some coffee.     this is also when chirp learned that she CANNOT have coffee.     she felt like shit the next few days and esmé took care of her.     more getting to know each other and more bedroom stuff happen while chirp stayed in the material plane for a bit.     when chirp does return to the fey realm,  there was talk from grandfather about the material plane stuff which she thought she was caught.     fortunately,  she wasn’t.     she continues to visit and sometimes will run into her window in the     “   oh no~     i injured myself!     what a coincidence that it was your window i crashed into   ”     fashion.     at this point,  chirp definitely caught feelings.     something just felt different with her.

a little later when the baby bump got bigger and a little harder to hide,  chirp was told everything and she was left conflicted.     there was a period of time where she went radio silent and didn't visit the material plane,  or at least not esmé,  out of fear and she didn't have the heart to tell her so in one of her final visits,  she lied and said there was something she had to tend to in the fey realm.     this   " hiatus ”   gave her some time to come to terms with her feelings,  what to do because of grandfather's beliefs,  and how to resolve things.     and in a cliche turn of events,   finally bird-ing up to return to the material plane and tell esmé the truth,  chirp miraculously arrived at the hospital and was present when peep was born.     HOWEVER,  her plan didn't follow through because she saw how tired esmé was and felt it was an inappropriate time for this sort of thing.

the moment that really solidifed her committment to a relationship was walking in on esmé cradling peep on the bed all wrapped up.     it was a really vulnerable and surprisingly emotional point for chirp that she did cry and pop the question.     instead of presenting a ring,  chirp gave them her magic and told her everything,  including how the time she didn’t visit was because she was fearful and she makes a promise that she wouldn’t lie to her again and would be there for every step of the way like esmé was with her.

she visited the material plane more frequently after peep.     i’d like to think she is the more chill mom out of the two that lets her child do some wicked stuff like some pranks and maybe boasting about birds   ...   esmé has told her before she probably shouldn’t tell her child to say her great grandfather created birds if she’s trying to hide the fact that but chirp absolutely whispers it.     she also tries to teach her child magic at an early age,  because it was more about presentation and deeds in faerie methinks,  so it’s that sense of worth and thinking that her child will love her more.     but you know,  it’s not and it makes chirp emo.