Between the Clan and the Queen
Summary:
Izzy is excited to introduce her new boyfriend, Charlie, to the rest of her partners. There is only one problem - Charlie doesn't know about the Shadow World. Actually, there are two problems, but she doesn't know the second one: Charlie thinks Izzy is part of the mafia. Shenanigans definitely do not ensue.
Read it on AO3
In hindsight, Izzy's first mistake was telling everyone to "act normal". She should've known that that would lead to them acting the least normal they've ever been, which was impressive in and of itself, but this group was nothing if not able to outdo itself.
But it was the only possible thing she could have requested. She was introducing Charlie to the rest of her partners, and she was exceptionally nervous about the situation. Not because she was afraid it'd be awkward or anything - that was a given - but because she was yet to tell him about the Shadow World, and she didn't want him to find out because Simon casually sipped blood in front of him. He's mundane, she had explained to them all, patiently and only a little bit hysterical, I promise I'll tell him about the Shadow World soon, but I haven't yet, so please keep that in mind. He thinks we're jewelers.
Charlie did not think they were jewelers.
Charlie thought they were mafia mob gangster criminals.
But Charlie, wisely, had not shared his suspicions with Isabelle or the rest of her family, since he assumed that revealing what he knew would probably lead to... Swimming with the fishes. Which would be unfortunate, since he didn't know how to swim. And also thought fishes were kind of slimy. Really, the whole thing would be unpleasant, and Charlie would rather avoid it altogether, so he kept his mouth shut.
He only hoped that the rest of Isabelle's partners were normal people like him, and not part of whatever crime stuff Isabelle was doing.
These hopes were dashed when he was introduced to her first girlfriend, Clary, and saw that she had two very big daggers attached to her hips.
"Hi, nice to meet you!" She said excitedly, extending him a suspiciously red-stained hand.
"Nice to meet you, too," Charlie said, politely. "Are those daggers?" He asked, not as politely.
"Oh! Yeah, I forgot to leave them at the Instituuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuute," she elongated the world for an amount of time that would later make it to the Shadow World Guinness Book Records, "where we make the jewelry! Yup. That's what I use them for. To cut. The diamonds. For the jewelry. With my daggers. Yeah."
"Anyway, this is Maia," Isabelle said, dragging Charlie away from Clary at a disturbing speed and only hurting him a little bit in the process to introduce him to another girl. She had visible scars on her neck, which looked like scratch marks, and really deep. Charlie did not comment on that, because he was blessed with tact, but he could only imagine they were caused by some sort of crime incident.
"Nice to meet you, Maia," Charlie said, shaking her, thankfully, unbloodied hand. She smiled at him, and whoa, those mafia women were seriously gorgeous. Like, what was that all about? He hoped it wasn't some sort of requirement or whatever, because that would be fucked up. Not as much as the murders and all, but still.
"Nice to meet you! Izzy's told me so much about you!"
"Really?" Charlie asked, smiling like the in-too-deep fool that he was.
"Oh yeah, you wouldn't beli-"
"At least wait until the introductions are done to embarrass me!" Izzy chided, but there was laughter in her eyes. Maia pouted, which, predictably, immediately led to Izzy moving to kiss it. The two of them smiled as they rubbed their noses together for a bit, eyes closed, which reminded Charlie he needed to make an appointment with the dentist to check for cavities.
"Hm, I forgot what I was saying," Maia drawled, smiling like she won anyway.
"Good," Izzy gave her another peck before grabbing Charlie's hand again and dragging him in the direction of a person in... Full leather armor? "And this is Meliorn. You can use any pronouns for her, she doesn't care, just don't ask her about gender stuff because she'll get mad at you."
"I do not get 'mad'. I simply do not understand what a 'gender' is."
"Like I've tried to explain to you before-"
"Apologies. I forgot to clarify that I still don't care. Hello, Charlie."
"Nice to meet you, Meliorn," he said. "What's with the armor?"
"She's really into LARPing," Clary said.
"He works at a renaissance fair and didn't have time to change," Maia said at the same time.
"Fashion statement, latest trend in Lebanon," Izzy said, also at the same time.
"It's a fetish," a man he was yet to be introduced to said, also at the same time.
"You never know when our enemies might attack," Meliorn said, once everyone was done lying.
"I see," Charlie said, normally. Not revealing that he knew about their crime double life was going to be harder than he thought. Maybe they were testing his ability to keep his mouth shut? "I didn't know jewelry making was this dangerous."
"Oh, it's vicious! So many people willing to die and kill for Fabergé eggs. Anyway, meet Simon!" She pointed him to fetish man- Charlie would like to start that thought over. She pointed at the man who had claimed Meliorn's choice of attire was due to their sexual preferences.
"Hi, I'm Simon!" said Simon. Kindly, Charlie did not point out that Izzy had already said that.
"Hello, Simon, I'm Charlie," Charlie shook his hand and gave him a hetero-friendly once-over. No blood anywhere that he could see. No scars. No weird choice of attire - well, okay, maybe the 'I'm with stupid' T-shirt that pointed at his own head was a little weird, but not in the way that Meliorn's full body leather armor was. No weapons anywhere on his person. He seemed refreshingly normal. It was almost arousing.
"Yeah, welcome to the gaaaaang," he flashed him two finger guns. "Yeah, nope, just heard it. Sorry, I get nervous around new people. Izzy, introduce him to Raphael or something so I can wallow in my shame."
"Right! This is Raphael," Isabelle said, gesturing to a man who seemed to have spontaneously appeared on the door. Charlie, dignifiedly, jumped out of his skin and yelped. He heard a grumble of 'at least I'm not the only one' coming from Simon's direction.
Raphael was standing by the door, squaring his shoulders and looking kind of stiff. Charlie felt bad for his back muscles. "Pleasure to meet you, Charles," he said, very politely. Charlie couldn't help but notice that, while everyone seemed more or less casual, he was wearing a suit and tie.
"Oh, you can call me Charlie," Charlie replied.
"Noted, but I won't be doing that."
"Okay! Well, it's a pleasure to meet you too," he said, shaking Raphael's hand, and yup, that was a firm handshake, very professional, very secure, could maybe do with less grinding Charlie's bones to dust, but overall really nice. "Not to keep criticizing everyone's fashion choices, but what's with the suit?"
"Oh, that's just his uniform," Izzy said. It was supposed to be a joke, but shadowhunters weren't very skilled at that, so that completely flew over Charlie's head. He frowned. He didn't know mafia gangsters had uniforms, unless you count the striped suits and fedoras they wear in movies, and Raphael's suit was classier than that. It seemed to him like uniforms would defeat the purpose of being an underground crime organization, but then again, he wasn't the expert. "Now sit, sit! Now that the introductions are done, it's time to eat!"
"Thank god, I'm starving," Maia said, reaching for one of the sandwiches piled up on the table in front of the couch.
"Pick whatever you want! I assembled the sandwiches myself," Izzy bragged.
Slowly, as if afraid it might explode, Maia returned the sandwich to the pile. Everyone else took a step back.
"Seriously, guys? Raphael supervised and everything!"
"It should be edible," Raphael confirmed.
Everyone eyed each other warily. In the kitchen, Raphael and Izzy were sort of an unstoppable force and unmovable object situation, so it was hard to pick whether or not to trust the results.
"I didn't even cook anything! I just put the ingredients together!"
Satisfied with this reassurance, Maia picked the sandwich again, opened it, evaluated its contents, sniffed it, shook it next to her ear to see if it made any strange noises, and slowly licked the inside. Everyone watched with bated breath.
"Tastes like sandwich," she announced.
Everyone erupted into cheers. Hugs were given all around. Simon started singing We Are The Champions. Meliorn shook Raphael's hand to congratulate him on a job well done.
"I take it you aren't much of a cook?" Charlie asked, amused by the antics.
"Not even my mother eats what I make, no," Isabelle smiled. "But I'm improving! Thanks to Raphael!"
"Just doing my job," Raphael replied with the kind of seriousness you would expect in a life or death situation or something.
"Well then, in celebration of your achievement, I guess I'm going to have one," Charlie said, picking a sandwich and taking a bite. Everyone gasped.
"You are a brave, brave man," Simon said.
"Maia already cleared it!" Clary argued, trying to defend her girlfriend's honor, even though she was suspiciously not touching the sandwiches.
"Yeah, but she didn't take a full bite."
Charlie chewed the sandwich. It did indeed taste like sandwich. He gave everyone a thumbs up to indicate this. A deafening uproar of celebrations followed.
As everyone helped themselves to the food - some of them even taking the sandwiches - Simon went into the kitchen and came back with a dark, lidded cup with a straw.
"Are you not going to eat?" Charlie asked, cocking an eyebrow. "I made brownies."
"He's perfect," Maia announced.
"Oh, no, none for me, thanks," Simon replied, awkwardly.
"Why not?"
In a panic, Simon put every ounce of confidence he had into the first lie that he could come up with. "I'm allergic to every food."
"What?"
"What Simon means to say is that he already had dinner," Maia explained, trying to explode Simon with her mind.
"Right! Exactly. And I'm really full, so no food for me today. I'll just drink my bl- beverage. In this nice, opaque, lidded, closed cup. That I won't share with anyone because of my ven-"
"He's so sexy when he babbles, I must kiss him!" Maia said in a rush as she launched herself onto Simon's mouth to shut him up, almost causing all of them to fall over and spill Simon's "beverage".
"Thanks for the save," Simon whispered against her mouth, making Maia realize that she just positively reinforced running his mouth, which was the last thing they needed, really. "Another one for good luck?"
"We're obviously gonna need it, so why not," Maia said, before kissing him again.
"Well then," Charlie said, not sure what exactly was wrong with these people, besides the obvious, "more for me." As if there was any way they could possibly eat the massive pile of food before them. Seriously, was there a wolf among them or something?
Everyone settled on the couch with their food - or beverage, in Simon's case - Clary turned to Charlie.
"So, Izzy tells us you're a doctor?"
"Yup! Pediatric surgeon," Charlie confirmed. "I've always wanted to have a career that did something to help other people, you know? Can't do better than helping dying kids," he shrugged, as if his near-sainthood was no big deal.
"That's very honorable," Meliorn said.
"I know, right?" Izzy gushed, grinning as she grabbed Charlie's arm.
"It really is. Don't know if I could do it, though. The idea of looking at someone's insides like that..." Maia shuddered.
Charlie chuckled, because yeah, he could relate to that. "Would you believe it if I told you that, before choosing this career, I was afraid of blood?"
"You're squeamish around blood? Man, you'd struggle in our..." Simon realized that he had been about to say something like 'Clan', or 'hotel', or 'vampiric tendencies, because by the way, vampires are real and I'm one' and rushed to correct course while everyone else loked for tranq darts to hit him with, "...line of work."
"I struggle in my line of work," Charlie laughed good naturedly, before abruptly stopping when he realized what Simon had just said. There went his hopes that Simon was normal like him. He was no longer almost aroused. To cover up his obvious surprise, he asked, "wait, why would I see blood in a jewelry store?"
"Because! I cut myself all the time on the diamond cutter. That thing really cuts. It's in the name. They call me 'the diamond' because that thing cuts me more than, you know, the actual stones we work with. At the jewelry making factory. That we all work at." Everyone was desperately gesturing at Simon to shut up, but he was used to ignoring that.
"We don't actually call him that," Izzy soothed, while Maia dragged Simon away by the scruff of his neck like a cat.
As everyone tried to recover from that cringe, Charlie finally realized that, actually, not everyone had sat down to eat - Raphael was still standing by the door, shoulder's squared and watching Charlie's every move like a hawk. Like, seriously, he wasn't even blinking. Maybe he lost his eyelids in a tragic crime accident, Charlie thought.
"Isn't Raphael going to join us?" He asked, medically concerned for the guy's spine.
"Oh? No, not really," Izzy shrugged, "he's just going to stand there by the door, keeping watch or whatever." He pulled that shit every time one of his partners introduced someone new, watching their every move until he decided they were good enough for them. Which Izzy wasn't mad about at all. You could tell she wasn't mad by the way she wasn't looking at him.
"You'll get used to it," Clary shrugged. She was the record holder for Raphael's staredown fest. It took her fifteen polycule dates to get him to act like a normal person - okay, she's being generous here, but you know, like his real self, at least - as opposed to everyone else's half an hour or so.
At her words, Charlie realized two things in quick succession:
Raphael was Isabelle's bodyguard. Of course! How did it take Charlie so long to figure that out? Isabelle even said that the suit was his uniform!
Isabelle's bodyguard sort of obsessively watching Charlie might not be very good news.
It made sense, of course. Isabelle was the heir and probably constantly in danger. It would even explain why Raphael "supervised" Isabelle's sandwich-making; he must watch her like a hawk at all times. And Charlie was new to their world; for all Raphael knows, he might be an assassin sent by a rival mob. Oh god, he's probably watching me to see if I'm going to kill her, Charlie thought. This, of course, wasn't true. He probably suspects I'm, like, a super cool and talented assassin and professional actor, Charlie thought. This, of course, wasn't true. He'll probably kill me if anything happens to anyone in this group, Charlie thought. This, of course, was true. Although, really, Meliorn would probably do it first, because she had less qualms about the whole "killing people" thing than Raphael.
Worried about all of these only slightly deranged fantasies, Charlie had no choice but to start sweating. Silently, Maia dropped the AC temperature.
"So, Charlie, what do you do in your free time?" She asked.
"Oh, you know, normal, harmless people hobbies," he replied. "I knit."
"You knit?" Raphael asked, voice and face and body language and general vibe betraying absolutely nothing. This was mosty because he didn't have any particularly strong feelings about knitting, but Charlie was kind of panicking there, and the lack of visible signs that this response convinced him that Charlie was not an enemy assassin was starting to get to his head.
"Yup! With sterile and blunt needles that I'd never use to stab anyone with," he added. Maia further dropped the AC temperature.
"That's... Great," Simon, who was back from being grounded in the kitchen, said. Charlie realized he was acting like an insane person and a bad liar, and, judging by their interactions so far, that was actually something that could be expected from a seasoned and dangerous mobster. He was probably proving Raphael's point that they should drop him in the Hudson.
"Is this thing even working?" Maia asked, desperately pressing on the AC remote control.
"Trust me, it is," Clary replied, frost gathering on her eyelashes.
"Well, other than that, I also like bird watching," Charlie said, trying to be normal again. It's fine, you're literally a normal person. Just keep being normal and he'll see that you're normal, he sternly told himself. He was a pediatrician, for fuck's sake! He had lollipops in his pockets! There was no way he'd accidentally convince Isabelle's bodyguard that he was a threat, unless he kept coming on too strong.
"Oh, really?" Maia asked, excitedly dropping the remote control. Raphael rushed to grab it and set it to his comfort temperature of 45ºC - well, it was 113ºF in the remote control, but he refused to think in terms of Fahrenheit. It was the principle of the thing. Simon stole it from him and set it back to a temperature for normal people, making Raphael dignifiedly grumble and go back to his post. "Have you ever gone to the forest?" She asked. You, dear reader, of course, know what she's talking about. The forest. The forest that definitely exists in New York City and that Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments (2016-2019) definitely didn't make up for the purposes of having werewolves hang around naked sometimes.
"Oh, I mostly hang out in Central Park," Charlie admitted. He's a city slicker through and through, he's afraid. Hopefully that would give him normal points.
"Oh. Right, of course. Most people don't just go to the forest. Well, if you ever want to give it a try, let me know! I can come with you. Lots of birds there that you won't find in Central Park, what with us destroying the environment beyond recognition and all."
Charlie raised an eyebrow. "You go to the forest?" He'd have assumed she already had enough excitement in her daily life, what with whatever crimes she committed for her crime job.
Maia froze. "I go... Camping... A lot."
Ah, Charlie thought, so Maia hides the bodies.
"Really? You like camping?"
"Yup! Use it to do some, uh, field work. For my degree. It's biology related."
"I thought Isabelle said you were studying Marine Biology?" Charlie said, remembering that Izzy had mentioned that in one of her long tirades about how smart her girlfriend was.
Caught between finding it sweet that her passion came up in conversation and being mad that her attempt at a half-lie was now ruined, Maia looked at Izzy in some sort of way.
"Yeah," she said, failing to elaborate.
"So... Shouldn't you be in the ocean for that?"
"Usually, yes, but I'm terrified of the ocean, so."
Internally, Charlie sighed. Another obvious lie. Of course no one who was terrified of the ocean would go into marine sciences. Seriously, weren't this people trained for this?
"She studies snails and pretends they're sea snails. All animals are kind of the same, so it's fine," Simon tried to save.
"Yup," Maia agreed, her eye twitching out of its socket.
"Alright, topic change!" Isabelle announced, trying to think of something safe and engaging to bring up. "Remember when Meliorn branded Simon's forehead?" Everyone stared at her. Charlie couldn't help but notice that Simon's forehead seemed fine.
"That was like, two weeks ago, so yes," Simon said tightly. Charlie marveled at Simon's forehead's healing prowess, remembering how Izzy's forehead had also healed magically fast from that cut she got in that alley that one time. Maybe it was a mafia thing. Maybe they had forehead enhancement training.
"I had to do it, on orders of the Queen," Meliorn said.
"The Queen?" Charlie asked.
"No," Meliorn replied before leaving.
Charlie sat there, bewildered. If Izzy was the mafia princess - and he was pretty sure that she was, what with her bodyguard-having habits - then the Queen must be Maryse Lightwood. A female-led mafia, Charlie thought. With ethnically and religiously diverse members, many of them openly queer and in a poly relationship. The mafia had better DEI initiatives than the hospital he worked at. Shame that the whole murder thing was kind of mandatory. That was a dealbreaker for him.
"Well, with that out of the way, let's play UNO!" Isabelle tried again, causing slightly awkward cheers to erupt from the rest of the squad. "You're lucky Raphael is on duty and won't play," she winked at him, "he's a dirty cheater." There was a glint in her eyes that Charlie was getting to know well - something soft and mischievous at the same time. It was very clear for everyone to see, because Isabelle was bad at hiding her affection, and also wasn't as good at being mad at Raphael as she liked to think she was.
"I have no idea what you're talking about," Raphael replied, still sort of vibeless. Charlie raised an eyebrow, wondering how Isabelle managed to convince this man to play UNO on the job. She could be very persuasive, of course, especially if you had a weakness for her like Charlie did, but Raphael seemed nothing if not unmovable in his duty. Maybe they did it during his free time, he mused. She had to have other bodyguards, right? He's gotta sleep at some point, even if he may or may not have lost his eyelids.
He tried to imagine the man in his suit, sitting down with Isabelle in a fancy table and playing UNO. And cheating on top of it. The scene was hard to picture.
"Oh, please, you totally cheated when we were playing against that little girl in the park!" She laughed, the sound delighted and fond.
"She won fair and square," Raphael said, trying to hold back a smile. Charlie tried to imagine him cheating to make sure some random girl in a park would win, and somehow, he had an easier time with that. Then he tried to imagine how he could possibly cheat on someone else's behalf, and that one he came up with a blank one, he had to admit.
"Sure she did," she replied, not arguing further, but still looking delighted. And Charlie knew that look. It was the same look she got when she talked about her partners. The same look she got when Charlie and her were alone and he did something that she liked.
He looked between the grinning Isabelle and the stoic Raphael. "You love him," he whispered to Izzy, "don't you?" He kept his voice in a whisper because, clearly, they were not together; Raphael's lack of participation in the polycule activities aside, it was clear nothing to him could be more important than his job. Dating Isabelle would definitely jeopardize his work, and Charlie had a feeling that, on top of that being important to him, Raphael would put her safety above his desires.
"Well, yes," Isabelle said, so blasé it tugged at Charlie's heartstrings. Oh, the casualness with which she said it! Like it was a part of her that everyone knew, that she saw no point in denying, even if their love was doomed forever. The romantic in Charlie swooned, wondering what it must be like, to love someone so completely the forced distance doesn't even hurt, that divulging it feels as natural as breathing.
Meanwhile, Isabelle was like, he's literally my bofyriend.
"And he loves you?" Charlie asked.
"I sure hope so!" She laughed. Again, Charlie marveled at how casual she was, as if the return of her feelings was an afterthought, irrelevant when confronted with the wholeness that she felt. Oh, to have your own love for someone be enough! Oh, to nurture it with nothing but the tenderness the other person elicits in you!
Charlie couldn't help himself. He loved love, and he thought the two of them deserved to be together. "Has he never considered... Leaving his duties?" He asked. Leaving the mafia was probably not allowed, but surely he could at least take up a different position?
"What? No, of course not. He would never leave the Clan," Izzy said.
"The Clan?" He asked. That term was new.
"His pet clam. He works with her."
Thankfully, kind reader, Charlie was not yet familiar with Raphael's subdued style of body language, and thus could not hear the screams he was emitting with his eyebrows.
Isabelle, what are you doing? They said. First you reveal the Clan to him, and now the best lie you can think of is that my reason for staying in the jewelry business is my otherworldly attachment to a clam?? Why don't you just kill me with hammers????
Wow, Charlie thought, I've never seen a bodyguard look so bored.
Instead of saying that, Charlie tactfully asked, "so, how does that work?"
"Well," Raphael replied, his eyebrows now mostly screaming things like AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA and OUUGHHHHHHHHHHH, "she sits in an aquarium and keeps me company while I make jewelry." As he said this, he tried to spontaneously develop telepathy to ask Maia if clams ate or had eyes or what. It didn't work, per se, but Maia could still sense that he needed her help because they were kindred souls with a beautiful connection that understood each other intrinsecally and all of that. And also because she loved to infodump. So she said the first clam fact that came to her mind, which was:
"Did you know that clams can get leukemia?"
Heavy silence followed.
"I worry about that every day," Raphael offered, drily.
Simon patted his shoulder comfortingly. "It's okay, buddy. She won't get leukemia."
Raphael nodded, crossing himself and kissing his hand afterwards and pointing it to the sky and everything. "May God hear you," he said.
"No, seriously, even if she got leukemia, we'd probably be able to tell, because of the..." Noticing everyone looked as if they were about to set something on fire to interrupt him, Simon realized that he wasn't allowed to say, 'fact that we can smell when something's off with someone's blood because we're vampires'. Which was just as well, because Simon didn't know that that applied to clam blood, anyway. "...Clam blood tests that she takes regularly."
"Riight," Izzy agreed, looking only slightly insane, "he takes such good care of her."
"I can only hope that the... Organic clam kibble... I feed her is enough to keep her healthy."
"And the clam exercises," Simon offered.
"And the clam exercises," Raphael nodded.
"Sounds... Like you really care about her," Charlie said, trying to save them from digging this hole further.
"She's all I have left," Raphael replied.
"Oh," Charlie said, suddenly feeling for the guy. "So you don't have a family?" It all makes sense now, he thought. Obviously Raphael had been orphaned at a very young age - maybe even left in a little basket as an infant - and grew up with no one until the mafia took him in. They clothed him, gave him food and a roof over his head and maybe even love. Of course he was so thoroughly devoted to his job, to the point of ignoring the ache for Isabelle in his heart - the mafia were his saviors, his family, and he was a man made of nothing if not loyalty and gratitude. A man built on tragedy and resilience, finding his home in the only world that would welcome him - one of crime, yes, but also family.
"Of course he does," Simon said, interrupting the fanfic Charlie was writing in his head. "He has us. And the Clan." Immediately, everyone turned to nuke him with their eyes. Thankfully, Charlie, already knowing what was coming, decided to save them the embarrassment and simply said:
"Right. The pet clam."
In his mind palace, Raphael was killing himself.
In the real world, he replied, "yes. My pet clam. She keeps me company even in the darkest of times. Making jewelry wouldn't be the same without her." His voice contained no intonation whatsoever. Simon shot him a proud thumbs up. Clary slapped him in the arm and was promptly blasted through the window by the Mark of Cain.
"Simon! Again?"
Again? Charlie thought, understandably alarmed.
"I'm sorry!! I didn't mean to!"
Didn't mean to? Charlie thought, even more alarmed.
As everyone traded accusations, Clary wheezed on the floor.
"I'm a doctor, I'll help her," Charlie said, rushing down the 7 flights of stairs to get to her. Thankfully, that was more than enough time for Clary to get the best doctor of all: her iratze. Not as thankfully, this did mean that, when Charlie found her, she was just sort of standing there.
"Clary? Are you okay?"
"Oh yeah, I'm fine."
"What do you mean, 'you're fine'? You just fell down the 7th floor!"
"Oh, yeah. I just, uuh, fell somewhere soft."
There was a visible, suspiciously Clary-shaped dent on the nearest car. And blood.
"Such as...?"
"Look, this isn't my first time being dropped off a building, okay? I'm kind of, like, a cat by now. I always land on my feet."
"Then your feet should be broken."
"I have very resistant feet."
Due to the fact that he couldn't have possibly guessed that she was a half-angel creature that could use an ugly pen to immediately cure herself of all ailments, Charlie could only guess that Clary had indeed been dropped off buildings enough times to develop a resistance somehow. Which painted a wrong image of her, since really, before that, it was just the one time.
They went up the 7 flights of stairs, just so Clary could prove her point, but he still insisted on examining her beforehand. She did seem to be perfectly fine - not even any bruises. It was nothing short of miraculous. Charlie thought she must have pure angel blood or something, but obviously, that was an exaggeration.
When they made it back to the room, everyone was still arguing.
"Okay, you guys literally know this isn't my fault. Just stop attacking me!" Simon defended himself.
"Clary didn't attack you! She just slapped you in the arm!"
"Yes, well, tell that to the thing on my head!"
Poor Simon, Charlie thought. He must have some serious PTSD. Mafia life sounds unpleasant.
"Clary is fine, by the way. Somehow," Charlie announced to the room. Everyone shrugged, as if to say, obviously. Then everyone seemed to catch themselves at the same time.
"Oh noooooooooo, we were so scared," Maia said, monotone.
"Right. Because being dropped off a building is dangerous and can kill you. Of course," Simon said.
"Thank the Angel- I mean, the Christian God, that she's alright," Isabelle agreed.
"And the Jewish God as well," Simon added.
"Right. It was a joint effort," Izzy said. Raphael dutifully crossed himself. Izzy desperately tried to follow and ended up with some sort of interpretative dance. Behind Charlie, Clary desperately tried to gesture that crossing yourself was a Catholic thing and Protestants didn't do that. To which Izzy replied that she never specified her denomination and she could be Greek Orthodox for all he knew. Clary retorted that that would defeat the purpose of pretending to be Christian to not call attention. They conveyed all of this through aggressive hand gesturing, which was pretty impressive.
Unfortunately, Charlie, who was still not fluent in whatever gay shit Clary and Izzy had going on, could only assume that they were using some sort of mafia sign language, and hoped that Izzy had managed to convince Clary that they didn't have to kill him for witnessing Simon's assassination prowess.
"Exactly. What matters is, we are all glad Clary is okay," Maia said.
"I could take it or leave it," Meliorn chimed in.
"Mel!"
"What? I did get these scars because of her," she pointed to the long scars that ran across the left side of her forehead. Charlie wondered what kind of history the two of them had, to make things so civil. It was clear Meliorn was mostly joking about not caring whether or not she died.
"The Queen did that to you," Clary insisted, like this was an old argument.
Maryse Lightwood sounds scary, Charlie thought.
Not as scary as Simon, though. It was obvious now that Simon was a skilled assassin - killing instincts so honed and natural to him he could drop his friend off a building without thinking or even breaking a sweat. A murder machine, well-oiled and ready to strike without needing so much as forethought. And to think Charlie had assumed he was the normal one! Not only was he skilled at killing, but also a master of deception. Pretending - or perhaps playing up - the clumsy nerd angle so he wouldn't be suspicious was a genius move. Charlie silently moved him to the top of his list of scariest mafia members he had ever met. A list he didn't imagine having a week ago, but apparently, that was his life now.
"I like him," Raphael announced, apropos of absolutely fucking nothing.
The grin Isabelle gave in response could rival the fucking sun. "I told you you would!" She exclaimed, grabbing Charlie's arm excitedly as she smiled at him.
A miracle happened then. Raphael smiled back. "Yes, well, I'd still rather see it with my own eyes to be sure," he said. Then he turned to Charlie, his eyes glinting with respect. "You are a good person and you care about the people around you. About your community. Most importantly, you care for Isabelle. You treat her like something precious, not a piece of meat. You're willing to give a chance to everyone in this family, even Mary-"
"I know you know what my name is," Clary interrupted.
"And you're loyal and kind. I approve," Raphael finished, masterfully ignoring her. Charlie was about to ask if that meant he was cleared of any suspicions of working for a rival mob, but then Raphael put a gentle hand on his shoulder and gravely said, "welcome to the family."
In the privacy of Charlie's mind, screams of despair echoed as every alarm siren that's ever existed went off at once. "I... What?" He choked, panicking, "Shouldn't there be, like, an initiation or something?"
"An initiation?" Simon frowned.
"Nothing quite so elaborate," Raphael said, "I just wanted to see if you're good for Isabelle, and it seems you are."
"Haha, that's great, man, but I'm not sure I'm ready to kill anybody."
"...Okay?" Isabelle was looking at him like he was fucking crazy, which was fair, since Charlie felt quite insane himself.
"I'm glad?" Raphael tried, still looking dignified and suited up and all of that while Charlie reached levels of hysteria that could be smelled by dogs.
Maia, who could also smell it, helpfully informed Raphael that Charlie was losing his mind.
"Dude, I don't know what you did, but the guy is like, uber-panicking. Seriously."
Raphael, who was done being offputting on purpose, was upset by this development. "What did I do this time?"
If the rest of the polycule was being honest, they didn't know, either, but they all agreed that it was probably Raphael's fault. Raphael, who was used to being the most misunderstood man since Jesus Christ (and also knew of his own limitations when it came to social interactions, but it was mostly the martyr thing), did not argue this.
"You don't have to kill anyone," he said soothingly, patting Charlie's shoulder.
"I know you're not jewelers," Charlie said in response.
"Yeah, that's fair."
"We can admit that wasn't our best work."
"Honestly, Isabelle, why did you even make up that lie?"
"I didn't! He just assumed and I went along with it!"
"I see. Next time, don't."
"And I know what you really are," Charlie continued.
"...Say it. Out loud," Izzy replied, steeling herself. Maia, Simon, and Clary, who had watched Twilight, all choked. Izzy, who had also watched Twilight but wouldn't admit to that under threat of death, pretended not to know why everyone was acting weird all of a sudden. Not like it was new or anything.
"I know you're actually mafia. You're the heir, Simon's the assassin-"
"Whoa, Simon's the assassin?"
"Is this mafia short staffed or something?"
"You guys are so mean. I'm sure there's someone out there who would make a worse assassin than Simon."
"I appreciate you sticking out for me, Fray, but honestly, they're right. He's insane for this one."
"I know he's pretending to be clumsy and silly, but we all saw what he did to Clary. This is all a facade, so his enemies never see him coming. He attacks from the shadows, hiding in plain sight. It's actually really clever," Charlie explained.
"Wait, the Simon in this guy's head is cool and suave as fuck. Can we convince him that he's actually right?" Simon asked.
"No," everyone replied.
"Fine, whatever," Simon sulked.
"Seriously, babe, I don't even know how to explain to you that Simon's not an assassin. And the only thing I'm heir to is this demon-sensing jewel," she pointed to her bracelet.
"The what?" He asked, eyes bulging out of his head like in a cartoon.
"Isabelle, I think we're gonna have to tell him the truth," Raphael gently pointed out.
"I'm working on it! Okay, Charlie, so demons are real, okay? There's a whole world out there with all the creatures you've heard of. Maia is a werewolf, Simon's a vampire-"
"Do you seriously think this is more believable to me than the mafia thing?" Charlie chuckled, before grabbing her hand. "Isabelle, it's okay. Your secret's safe with me, I promise. I know I shouldn't, but... I really like you. If this is a part of you that I have to accept, I will."
"That's sweet and only mildly disturbing, but we really aren't mafia."
"Yeah, I mean, you should've realized you were on the wrong track when you assumed Simon was an assassin," Maia added.
"Come on, guys, vampires and werewolves?" Charlie argued. "I may be crazy, but I'm not stupid."
"Ugh! Simon, do something vampire-y," Izzy replied, giving up on trying to explain with words. That never worked anyway, she wasn't sure why she still tried.
Simon opened his mouth and pointed to his fangs.
"Well, that was anticlimactic," Izzy assessed. Rumors of agreement were heard across the room.
"Yeah, that seriously sucked."
"Can't even panic properly when that's the most vampire-y thing you can do."
"Simon, with all due respect, you shame your kind."
"What did you guys want me to do? Super speed to him and dangle him by the ankles? That's how I was introduced to the Shadow World."
"Good times," Raphael said, smirking.
"Yeah, yeah, I did get a boyfriend out of it, so I guess it wasn't too bad."
"Wait," Charlie interrupted, "Raphael is your boyfriend?"
"Yes?" Simon replied, bewildered.
"Obviously?" Isabelle added, perplexed.
"Don't you see the way he looks at him?" Maia asked, exasperated.
Charlie thought back to how Raphael looked at Simon. He mostly did it with his eyes.
"Not... Really?" Charlie shrugged. "I mean, he looks at him the same way he looks at all of you. Well, except for Clary," he did look at Clary with annoyance.
"Yeah, because he's dating all of us except for Clary," Maia said, like Charlie was some sort of fucking idiot.
"Wait, really?"
"Why did you think I was here?" Raphael asked, tilting his head ever so slightly. Charlie congratulated himself for noticing. He was on track for understanding what they meant by 'the way he looks at him' sometime this century.
"I thought you were Isabelle's bodyguard," he replied.
Immediately, snickers were heard all across the room. Except from Meliorn's direction, because he mostly didn't understand what anyone was talking about.
"You deserve that," Maia announced, not bothering to cover her laugh behind her hands.
"Pardon me," Raphael said, very pleasantly, "do you mean to tell me that you thought Simon was an elite assassin, and I was just the bodyguard?"
Beside Charlie, Simon was grinning like this was the second best day of his life. The first, of course, would always be when Magnus decided to show all of Raphael's partners the photo album he had of Raphael in '70s fashion, while Raphael repeatedly failed to tackle him and steal it.
"Uh, yeah. Sorry, man."
"I see," Raphael replied, very dignified and not at all like he was committing every form of suicide at once in his head. "Shut up," he said to Simon, who, for once, wasn't saying anything, but who was still giving off some seriously annoying vibes. Like, people had to leave his side and everything because the whole thing was rancid. They felt like he could explode at any moment, which was saying something, considering they got used to the Mark of Cain.
Simon, as usual, took the attempt at silencing as his cue to speak. "You've been trying to scare him off all night, and he thought I was scarier than you," the gloated.
"Because of the Mark of Cain!" Raphael pointed an accusing finger of him.
"The what of what?" Charlie asked.
"Ancient vampire curse, don't worry about it," Simon waved him away.
"The vampire thing is real?"
"Oh shit, yeah, we were going to explain the Shadow World to him."
"You are right. Apologies."
"Yeah, our bad."
"Allow me to make a better demonstration," Meliorn interrupted. "Your kind has taken to calling mine 'Seelies'. I am one with nature and can harness its magic. Look," she extended her hand, and, in it, a small tulip appeared. Then it slowly bloomed, extending vines that grew over Meliorn's palm and on her hands, soon overtaking the space around her with a cacophony of beautiful flowers. Charlie watched in awe.
"Show-off," Simon mumbled.
"Yeah, like, boo, way to outdo us all. All I can do is turn into a stupid wolf."
"It's a beautiful wolf," Raphael corrected, kissing her forehead.
"And also a little stupid. Remember when she ran into a glass door?" Simon, still on track to breaking his own world record of annoyingness, said.
"You ran into a glass door just the other day, fledgling," Raphael pointed out.
"Yeah, and you don't even have the excuse of the shift making your vision shitty," Maia defended herself.
"Guys, Charlie is still, like, processing all of this," Izzy reminded everyone.
"Shit, sorry, our bad. Again," Simon apologized.
"Right," Maia said, kindly. "We know this is a lot to take in. We understand if you need some time-"
"I mean, honestly, man, I'm mostly relieved.
"Oh. Well, that's good."
"So Meliorn is a Seelie, Maia is a werewolf, and Simon is a vampire. What about Raphael, Clary, and you?" He asked Isabelle.
"Raphael is also a vampire," she explained.
"And our bodyguard," Simon snickered.
"You are so lucky you have that stupid mark, fledgling."
Izzy wisely ignored the brewing argument. "Clary and I... You've probably never heard of our kind. We are called shadowhunters. We are sort of like..."
"Cops," Maia said.
"The military, but worse," Raphael added.
"The biggest Nazi problem I've seen since NASA," Simon agreed.
"They just sorta suck in general," Meliorn said. At everyone's confused stare, she threw up her hands. "What? I've been picking up new vocabulary from Simon."
"We deserve that," Izzy said. "Anyway, we are half angel, and our job is to kill demons. Those 'tattoos' we have, they are called runes. We can use them to activate our powers."
"Oh! Okay. I did think that having 12 matching tattoos was sort of overkill."
"Damn, he must have thought Clary was Izzy's favorite or something," Maia said, sounding totally not jealous at all.
"I was more thinking it was a mafia thing. Like, everyone in the high... Crime council... Had them. Your brothers had them too."
"So you thought only Clary and Izzy were in the 'high crime council'?" Maia asked, and I'm not gonna lie to you, dear reader: she sounded jealous as fuck.
"At least you're not a bodyguard," Raphael mumbled.
"Still a cool as fuck assassin," Simon grinned.
"I'm a knight in real life," Meliorn said. Mostly to feel included.
"Oh my god, we get it, you hit the Shadow World jackpot, go away," Clary said, throwing peas that had spontaneously appeared in the room at him.
"Guys, still trying to introduce my boyfriend to the Shadow World here," Izzy lectured.
"No, no, it's fine. The clown shit is helping," Charlie said.
"See, Isabelle? The 'clown shit' is helping," Raphael grinned, annoyingly.
"Is it just me, or has his personality completely changed over the course of this conversation?" Charlie asked.
"That's just what he's like when he's relieved of the bodyguard duties," Simon, whose violent tendencies were feared by dead horses everywhere, said.
"Oh my God, Meliorn, can't you just use your Seelie magic to get rid of that stupid mark so I can attack the fledgling?" Raphael complained.
"Yes."
Everyone paused to stare at her.
"What do you mean, 'yes'?"
"It means I can use my Seelie magic to get rid of the Mark of Cain. So Raphael can attack the fledgling."
"Why didn't you say that before?" Simon squeaked.
"You didn't ask."
"I was going crazy looking up every magical tome that Magnus had! You found me after pulling an all-nighter researching Daylighters! I was terrified out of my mind!"
"But did you ask?"
"Fine! Meliorn, could you please get rid of the mark of destruction on my forehead so I no longer drop Clary off buildings?"
"Sure. El-em-ay-oh," Meliorn replied, causing everyone in the room to take psychic damage the likes of which could only be replicated by the deepest psychological tortures in real life hell. In the collective hivemind they had just joined for this purpose, they all agreed to blame Simon for this.
Meliorn did some magic shit and the Mark of Cain glowed away. "It is done," she announced. Immediately, everyone lined up to slap Simon for something stupid or annoying or tactless that he had done over the last couple of weeks. The whole thing lasted, like, 40 minutes.
It also kind of turned Simon on, which made Raphael start seeing spiders because seriously, what was wrong with allos? Everyone else was kind of judging Simon for it, too, but not too much because, really, they should have expected that.
Once that was over with, Charlie asked what was on his mind. "So... Just to be clear, when Raphael said 'welcome to the family', he didn't mean that you would turn me into a vampire or werewolf either, right?"
"What? No, of course not," Simon said.
"Are you insane? There would be so much paperwork," Raphael exclaimed.
"And also we wouldn't do that to someone without their consent, unless it was the only way to save their life or something," Maia reminded him.
Raphael grumbled something like, "well, obviously, but like, the paperwork."
"Oh! Cool. Because, no offense, but I'm kind of attached to being, like, human."
"We are human," Raphael said.
"Just with different dietary needs," Simon added.
"Or hormonal changes," Maia agreed.
"Or cool tattoos," Clary interjected.
"I'm not human at all," Meliorn said.
"Sorry for the microaggression," Charlie replied. He did look genuinely regretful, which was kind of sweet, because it was not that deep. "What is the correct term?"
"Mundane," Izzy explained.
"Mundane," Charlie repeated, smiling. Somehow, he knew that his life from then on was going to be anything but.
But that was alright.
Not because of true love or any of that gay shit. But because at least they weren't mafia.
And really, if he was willing to put up with that, what was some legends coming to life bullshit?