Anthony is Dead: The Funeral Roast - Anthony: The Musical by Angela Girratana & Chanse McCrary
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(Angela and Chanse walk up to the camera, backward caps on their heads[1], looking towards it as they start talking)
Angela: Hey Chanse.
Chanse: Yes?
Angela: You know how they gave us 10 minutes to do whatever we want, you think what I’m thinking?
Chanse: I think what you’re thinking.
Angela: Yeah.
(Chanse starts talking directly towars camera)
Chanse: So there’s the thing: we bought the rights to Anthony’s life on Craigslist and we made a play out of it.
Chanse: So, we present:
(They move their bodies to form an A)
Both: Anthony: The Musical!
Angela, singing:
An emo girl on YouTube, but nothing strikes a cord..
A dude that hears music in video games, but knows there’s something more..
A salesman who sells phallic foods, but nobody thinks it’s funny..
A white teenage guy, in 2005, with no one to give him money...[2]
Both:
Who do we give our money?
Chanse (Anthony): So you’re saying I just press this button here and a video goes to the entire Internet, Ian?
Angela (Ian): Yeah, I’m Ian.
Chanse (Anthony): Well, here goes nothing. (toches near the camera with his finger, then waves) Hey guys!
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
My name is Anthony, and I’m here to say
I make funny things, in a teenage way
Pokemons or the parodies, for adolescents
Too scared to smoke weed!
‘Cause I’m the-
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony): We need a catchphrase
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Angela (Ian): Shut uup!
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony), singing: And Ian’s here too!
(Angela (Ian) pats Chanse (Anthony), peeking out from behind his shoulder)
Angela (Ian): I’m right here.
(Chanse (Anthony) moves aside)
Chanse (Anthony): Oh, sorry.
Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, at the YouTube headquarters…
Chanse (Anthony): Mr. YouTube! Mr. YouTube!
(Angela (Mr. YouTube) is shown walking with an umbrella, using it as walking stick)
Angela (Mr. YouTube): Ah! Don’t bother me now, I’m in an awful mood, after a bad call with a store runner!
Chanse (Anthony): Well-
Angela (Mr. YouTube): They-! They are crushing us in the horny teen demographic! They are absolutely crushing us! I feel like I’m trapped in a box, man! A box, man!
Chanse (Anthony): Well, that’s just what I was gonna say! Look at this!
Chanse (Anthony), singing: I’m booooooox maaaan!
Angela (Mr. YouTube): Nice!
Angela (Mr. YouTube), singing:
Now it’s clear to me, I finally know,
My website depends on these teenage bros.
Give them money! Give them fame!
Their lives will never
Be! The!! Same!!!
Chanse, narrating: Ladies and gentleman: Two teenage boys!
Both, singing:
Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony): We’re getting monetized!
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony): We sold to Defy!
Both, singing: Man with the viral touch!
Chanse (Anthony), singing: But I still want more…
Angela (Ian): (progressively draping herself over Chanse (Anthony)’s shoulders, her face getting more deranged) Anthony!! How cool is this! We have movies, TV shows, Babble adds! We’re gonna do this thing until we literally work ourselves into the grave! Isn’t it great?! I love you, but I’m also weirdly and constantly comparing myself to you when you’re around!
Chanse (Anthony): (shrugs Angela (Ian) off) Oh, my God!
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
Why would you make me hot, when I’m so smart?
Can I get to a place where I’m not…
Both: Hot and smart...
I made this back when I was sick,
My hair is grey and my walet’s thick
And my best friend gives me the ick
(falls at his knees)
What is next? What should I do?!
(bangs his fist on the ground)
This is not the Smosh I knew!
(looks down on his hands)
Chanse (Anthony): But- I can fix this, right? Cause I’m…
(Angela (Ian) walks up to him and kneels down next to him)
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
Should I even try… (Angela (Ian) awkwardly puts her hand at his arm, but he brushes it off and stands up)
I’m gonna quit Defy
Now it’s me, myself and… (turns back and sees Angela (Ian), then looks back away)
Me…
Chanse, narrating: We cut to Anthony two years later. He’s making his own content, which is mostly him talking about why he left Smosh, over, and over, and over… and over again. It’s not sustainable, and he knows it.
Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony, ugh come on! Your channel is getting terrible views, it’s almost like your content is really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really bad. Come on, I can do this! What do I have that Smosh doesn’t? Think…
Angela (Anthony), singing:
Comedy is bullshit,
Vloging’s just for squares
I’m saying that ‘cause I tried both and views just don’t compare,
To what I had…
Both:
What should I do?
(camera gets really close up to Angela (Anthony)’s face, with her holding her fist up in front of her like she’s singing into a mic)
Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:
I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEELF!!!
MAKE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!!!
I GOTTA FIND MY NEW SEEEELF!!!
OR I WILL LOSE MY FUCK-ING SHIT!!!
Angela (Anthony): Think Anthony! C’mon! Do some yoga! (camera pans down to show Chanse doing a Crow Pose[3]) Downward dog- (gibberish)[4] Ugh! It’s not working!
Angela (Anthony): Wait! The answers… (looks down at her hands) they’re in the tats!
Angela (Anthony), singing:
Dig down deep, search myself!
Need something o-ri-gi-nal!
If only! I could know! POVs outside mine own!
Both:
Sexworkers, Kidz Bopps or adult babies!
Ex-mormons, trans people, nudists, furries!
Huge bodybuilders, professional cuddlers!
Flat Earthers or strippers, and substitute teachers!
Angela (Anthony):
But most Importantly!
They get to talk to me!
Chanse, narrating: And just like that, he found it: “I spend a day with…” - a show where Anthony interviews marginalized people for an hour and then keep all the profits! You know, like a hero! And just like that…
Angela (Anthony), scream-singing:
I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!
I’VE MADE MY OWN FIVE MINUTE HIT!
NOW THAT I FOUND MY NEW SEEELF!!!
I DON’T NEED SMOSH, I’M! THE!! SHIT!!!
Chanse, narrating: Meanwhile, across the river at Smosh…
Both, singing:
(both of them move from one side of the view to the other, hunched over as if searching and moving their hands like robots, completing it by accenting their singing like “robots”)
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
Where are you, An-tho-ny, where are you?
(camera panes out toward the organ)
Josh: Ha! I’m Rhett and Link! And we'll take your channel and see if it will pizza! *menacing laugh*
(camera pans back)
Both: *screeching*
(Chanse is shown wearing blond wig)
Chanse (Shayne): Agh, I’m Shayne, and I’ve been carrying the channel on my back for so long and I can’t hold on much longer! Smosh is in trouble! If we don’t do something immediately, we’re toast! You have to make the call, Ian!
Angela (Ian): I’m Ian and I won’t make that phone call.
Chanse (Shayne): You must!
Angela, narrating: Meanwhile, at Anthony’s mansion…
Chanse (Anthony), singing:
My channel’s finally found a voice,
And I’m making so much money
But if I’m being honest, I miss my friend,
And being funny…
Angela (Ian): *ring ring ring* Hey, uh… It’s Ian.
Chanse (Anthony): It’s Anthony…?
Angela (Ian): Yeah, I know, uh- I was just wondering…
Chanse (Anthony): What?
Angela (Ian): Listen, I really like the work you’re doing; Giving people with different perspectives a platform, but… Doesn’t any part of you want to go back to making the same, ill-informed, sexist, homophobic content we’ve made fifteen years ago?
Chanse (Anthony): Wow… I spent a day with so many people, but I guess the only person that I haven’t spent a day with… (exaggeratedly shrugs) is my best friend.
Angela (Ian), singing: I’ll spend a day with you!
Chanse (Anthony), singing: (in a much deeper voice that he used before) You’ll spend a day with me!
Both, singing: We’ll spend a day together, once again,
We’re Ian and Anthony!
I’ll spend a day with you!!!
Chanse (Anthony): We’ll summon a demon!
You’ll spend a day with me!
Chanse (Anthony): Be given an (?) !
And the future of Smosh is okay,
Cause I’ll spend a day,
I’ll spend a day,
I’ll spend a day!
Angela (Ian): *sigh* Everything is back to normal
Chanse (Anthony): Yeah! Let's agree to never sell our creative property to a major corporation again
Angela (Ian): Let's never ever ever do that!
(Both turn to look directly into the camera while pointing at it)
Both: Hold us to it!
(They look back towards each other)
Chanse (Anthony): And one more thing. We should address the sexual tension between us, that’s perpetrated not only by fans but our own actions, on screen AND OFF. Let’s talk about it, right here. Right now…
(They slowly move closer, grasping and embracing each other as if they were about to kiss)
(Then Chanse (Anthony) abruptly pushes Angela (Ian) back and sharply turns away)
Chanse (Anthony): No, hah!
Chanse, narrating: We cut to the Smosh studio where the whole gang is reunited.
Angela: I’m a Smosh cast and half of us are late to the meeting!
Both: (jumping up in excitement) Yay!!
Both, singing:
‘Cause he’s the man with the viral touch!
Chanse: I’ll spend a day with you!
Both: Man with the viral touch!
Angela: I only wanna be with you!
Both: Man with the viral touch!
And we have all
Been!!
Touched!!!
…
..
.
(Music abruptly cuts off)
To Be Continued…
.
References:
[1] - These caps have written "Ian" and "Anthony", with Amanda and Chanse wearing them respectivelly. I just wrote down who is playing which role at the moment (cause they do switch the caps) for simplicity
[2] - They make this bit in the TNTL #143 (the second musical one)
[3] - The Crow Pose, also called Kakasana
[4] - the gibberish sounded like a butchered version of original name for the Downward Dog yoga pose (written in latin it being Adho Mukha Svanasana), but I didn't know how to write it's botched version so the reference would still be clear
