#chat.cas

[jamie-voss-blog]

@casimiralvarez

Normally, Jamie lived for crowds and was at his most comfortable with a small group around him but when shit hit the fan and he needed a place to fall apart - there were only two people in this whole place he trusted with that Jamie. It was difficult for him to shed the alpha mantle with anyone in his pack as he put so much pressure on himself to be the helper, the one with the answers, the grounding force fo the pack — definitely not the one who needed to punch something so badly he was nearly vibrating with it. It was a shameful thing, his rage, but Cas and Milo had been there through the ugliest phrase of it and never once judged, condemned, or punished him for it. In fact, in his darkest moments, he catches himself worrying that he’s living a lie - literally being a wolf in sheep’s clothing - and then wonders what life would have been like if he’d chosen the Spade way of life. Some days the visions come easy, sometimes they don’t.

But this was one vision he never wanted to see.

Slowly, he approached the Spade Alpha who was staring up at the treehouse like it carried the secret that would make this all less terrible if he just stared hard enough at it. There was every likelihood that startling him would earn a fist to the stomach but Jamie was far enough gone to welcome the possibility. He was trying so hard to keep a gentle demeanor, to be solid and let whoever needed to hug onto him or cry in his shoulder or wail - but cracks appeared fast and multiplied as he got closer to his own secret safe space. Exhaling out - fair more shakily than he meant to - he did what he could to signal his presence before shifting just a bit closer to let their shoulders brush. Words were mostly useless here. Cas didn’t give a fuck about sorry’s or the injustice of it all, no - he’d be on a mission to get blood for blood but….how? Jamie wasn’t opposed to a fight but he’d prefer to do it with a strategy, a defense for the children and those not wanting to fight, and a clearer head.

But that was a talk for later. Right now, he just stood as close as Cas would allow, staring up at the same wood, and trying desperately to not think about the child who would never climb the tree again. “We need an alpha meeting.” Jamie said quietly. “Tomorrow if you can, but just let me know.” The words seemed harsh in the quiet around them. Disrespectful, almost, but a leader didn’t get to stop being a leader until he was behind locked doors. “I’m sorry.” He said softly. “If I can do anything…you know where I am.” It wasn’t an empty promise. Jamie always had and always would do whatever he could for Cas but the words felt awkward and flat anyway. Maybe because he was a walking talking shell of himself - his brain pointed out oh-so-helpfully but he didn’t move just yet. Couldn’t. Needed a few more minutes to be someone who hurt.

[xjust-milo]

It’d taken some careful planning to find a way to get out of the med center without attracting anymore attention from the guards. But eventually, after admittedly, quite a bit of stalling, he found himself debating between two doors. On one hand he could just go into his room, face-plant onto the bed, and face the music in the morning or whenever Cas decided to barge in or…he bit the bullet. Nearly without even considering the other option - his body turned to the left and why, why, why was he not wired to take the easy way? Life would be so much easier. But he followed through and just raised his hand to give the ‘it’s me’ rhythmic knock before pausing.

He didn’t hear anything in way of permission or sex so he pulled his key out and let himself in. Immediately, Milo deflated, closing his eyes and resting his back against the door as he locked it, taking a few slow inhales to allow Cas’ lingering scent to work on calming the anxiety he dared not show to anyone. It was just that Milo was pretty certain it would not be a fight, or a Diamond, but a scientist that ended up killing him. So, each time he managed to walk out of the med center alive was a gift he hadn’t quite expected to receive. Relief was making him equally giddy and shaky but he didn’t know where Cas was or when he’d be back, so he only stole another minute or two before shoving it back down.

Finally giving into the urge to limp - he made his way into the bathroom and located the cloth and bowl fairly easy despite refusing to turn a light on. Sticking it under the facet sparked immediate gratitude for the darkness as it swallowed his reflection and spared him from grimacing at himself. He moved back out to set the bowl on the nightstand before gingerly bending to untie his boot laces. The small action not only winded him but brought back the dizziness with such unexpected force his balance got thrown off and he went crashing to the floor.

He laid there a moment, waiting for the dizziness and nausea pass, before slowly sitting up and rooting around for one of Cas’ shirts. His was a lost cause so he gingerly pulled it up and off before slowly breathing and pushing his way back up onto his good leg. Tipping himself onto the bed, he laughed through the rampant pain to avoid tearing up while clutching the shirt in his hands until the worst of it had passed. He’d need Cas to clean out the road rash on his back and shoulders from the guard dragging him - apparently a good portion of the way to the med center - before he could cover up again.

But sitting upright wasn’t doing anything to help the pounding in his head or the nausea it was encouraging so he let himself tip over - just for a minute. But sixty seconds later had him laying flat on his stomach - mindful of which side of his face he was laying on, and making sure he’d propped his knee before letting consciousness go and take away the pain with it.

[xjust-milo]

@casimiralvarez

Milo stuck close to Cas’ back as they made their way towards the lake, eyes wary and vigilant as they got closer to the crowds of people. Realistically, he knew that Cas could hold his own and that he didn’t necessarily need Milo to defend him but try telling his brain that. It had a mind of its own. Ha. Mind. Maybe he shouldn’t have pregamed quite as much as he had but it was too late now and he didn’t hate that it empowered him enough to reach out and steer Cas away from certain groupings of people. The last thing he fucking wanted tonight was a bear hug from a certain host so he strategically maneuvered them into an area of mostly Spades before leaning forward. “How long do we have to stay?” Milo breathed, well-aware of the enhanced hearing of nearly everyone around them and how his hand had fallen to Cas’ hip to brace himself.

Whoops.

Pulling hand and body back, he settled into surly mode, low-grade glaring at everyone in their vicinity and already counting the minutes until he could try and convince Cas to go home. Admittedly, a secret part of him didn’t exactly hate coming out because Cas was in rare form once he had a couple drinks and was around the right people — it truly was a sight to behold. But, that didn’t mean he couldn’t grumble the entire time up to that point.

Case in point, there were bloody logs to sit on and that was just undignified. Cas made chairs for a fucking reason. Still, he wasn’t going to stand for the entire time so he sat and tugged on Cas to sit too, not even pretending to shift when he came down close. What were they even supposed to do? Watch shit burn? Sure, some people were eating and drinking but he’d be fucked before he put anything in his mouth that he didn’t make or procure himself. “This is ridiculous.” He grumbled, digging in his pocket for a cigarette and his lighter before offering both to Cas. “But here’s to it, I guess. Happy spring or whatever.”