hi! it seems like you and your partner are practicing a lot of hard kink pretty sustainably/well, i was curious if you have tips/know where to go for tips on how to start/keep that up?
thank you so much for asking! i hope our answers are helpful :) always do research and talk to your community members; i'm not perfect and kink is not monolithic! feel free to reach out if you want more info/resources/clarification.
- honestly communicate your wants and needs. accept that these things may change and evolve. we have a shared spreadsheet with about 350 kinks/actions and our comfortability with them, this sheet is updated as things change. understand that even with communication your partner may do something you don't like (not violating a hard boundary intentionally) accidentally or through experimentation; be ready to manage this together.
- figure out your expectations for scenes and your dynamic. expectations can be very concrete and detailed like wanting a list of specific actions to happen or they can be more abstract like wanting to feel a certain way. communicate and manage these expectations with your partner.
- educate yourself on kink and safety outside of your partner. read, talk to your community, take classes, listen to podcasts, go to events. the information you get about kink should be from a wide variety of sources, do not solely rely on your partner to educate you.
- similarly, learning about first aid/emergency management is always necessary when engaging in kink. this should be general and then more specific to the types of kink you're interested in. i enjoyed the free first aid classes for sex workers that 7 days of domination offers. there are also lots of free/cheap first aid classes or resources about anatomy and emergency preparedness online. have a specific plan for what will happen and what you or your partner is responsible for during different types of emergencies.
- if you're interested in RACK, start to figure out your risk profile. talk to your partner about this. recognize if there are things that you think are hot but that are outside of your risk profile. you can be disappointed by this, but take care of yourself and do not compromise your safety in ways you can't afford to.
- explore things! trying things out is important in learning what you like. figure out a plan for how to cope and communicate when you don't like something.
- accept that you and your partner are humans and your desire for kink and/or sex will not always be consistent or perfectly compatible. it's okay if sometimes you want to engage in kink every day and sometimes you want to engage in kink once a week. talk to your partner about what you need and want. ask them about what they need and want too.
- let yourself feel silly/stupid/cringy. kink is a lot of playing pretend and improv at its core. it's okay if you are embarrassed sometimes, but don't let that hold you back from doing the things that you enjoy or want to try. it's okay to laugh at yourself.
- be selective with who you play with. make sure the people you practice kink with are trustworthy, conscious of safety, and communicative. feel safe and comfortable with them.
hiiiii!!!! thank u for the sweet question!! <333
- push yourself to be honest (with yourself and your partner) about what you need! sometimes it's like, really really scary to realize how helpful it is to have someone taking care of you. when you need that, you need it. trust that your partner will let you know if they can't/ don't want to do something
- trust your gut!!! if something feels wrong or weird, trust yourself. talk about it with your partner/ journal about it so you can figure out why you're feeling off, but trust that your body is usually right
- talk about the scene after every scene!!! even if it was tame/ if you aren't doing anything new. oh my god this has been so good. it's so helpful to go over things you liked/disliked/etc. about the scene, but also about any thoughts you had during the scene that you might forget later! this gives you guys an established space to talk about the general direction of your kink practice! i've also found that it really helps prevent drop because you can discuss out any of the thoughts/feelings that might spiral into guilt if they're allowed to fester.
- take care of each other outside of scenes/your kink practice
