#cheetios

[im-the-eggman-blog]

i'm so fucking high right now lol

[aaronbleyaert]

I CAN TRANSFORM (I CAN DO IT!)

WOW!  Thanks to all of our fans over on the I'm With Coco today, who dubbed today "Bley Appreciaton Day" on Facebook. You guys! That was super nice of you! I was very touched by the whole thing. Thank you. And to everyone else on Facebook who had to sit though a thousand photos of me today... I'm sorry.  And YOU'RE WELCOME, SUGARSNAP.  ;)

Speaking of Facebook, we started an official "Team Coco" Facebook page for our new TBS show, and it'd mean a lot to me if you could all pop over there and click the "Like" button! That page will be the site of many special and fun things in the weeks to come, and I would hate for anyone I know to miss out on all the goodies. Do it now, suckas!  You'll be happy you did.  TRUST ME ON THIS.

In other news, I know that a lot of you have been digging Cee-Lo Green's new summer smash hit, "Fuck You" - and that makes sense, because it is a goddamn AMAZING SONG. My favorite song by Cee-lo, however, is of a different flavor: It's the song "Transformer" by Gnarls Barkley.  I absolutely did not care for the song that was on the Gnarls Barkley album - it sounds totally insane and way too intense for lil ol Bley's eardrums - but they did a beautiful live acoustic version of Transformer on the show "Abbey Road Live"... It's a slow burn, but totally worth it. So do yourself a favor and check it out:    

Hypnotic.

It's the exact opposite of how the track sounds on the album, right?! Plus, this version really showcases what an amazing singer Cee-Lo is. Unbelievable. Cee-Lo is to singing what I am to eating Cheetios and striking out with women; aka, A NATURAL.

In case you're interested, here are the other two songs that Gnarls Barkley did on the Abbey Road show:

Smiley Faces:

And Gone Daddy Gone:

Rockin'! I can't wait for December 7th, when Cee-Lo's new album hits stores... And you can bet your ass I'll be campaigning to have him on our show!  COME ONNNNN NO WHAMMIES NO WHAMMIES NO WHAMMIES NO WHAMMIES!

See you all tomorrow...

[aaronbleyaert]

Hunting the Most Dangerous Game of All...

I jumped in my Jeep today, and headed off to the drugstore to buy some wrapping paper (It's my Mom's birthday, and my parents are in town this week to celebrate.)  There's heavy traffic outside my apartment. Horrible, insane, weird ass heavy traffic.  Something is up. I can see people ahead being detoured by a boy in blue, so when I finally get up to the front where the cop is making everyone turn right, I ask him what's up.

"Manhunt." He says.  "We're looking for someone in the area."

MANHUNT?!  FUCKING RAD!!  So I turn up towards the park - to where they're directing everyone - hoping to turn left, but when I get up there I realize that they have the whole thing blocked off as well!  The police clearly had this dude boxed into like an 8 block radius.  It was pretty intense; lots of cops everywhere, and there were choppers overhead and everything. It was fucking bananas! (When I finally made it to my local grocery store, there were even two cop cars patrolling the parking lot!  BANANAS.)

So that got me thinking... What would *I* do if I was being hunted by the police?  Well, luckily, I am an amateur master of escapes, so I think I'd have it pretty well under control.  And it goes a little something... LIKE THIS:

Option one: I STEAL A POLICE HELICOPTER

Now, I know that this seems insane to do right off the bat... But that's exactly why it would work.  Plus, I'm swinging for the fences here; I actually DO get that choppa, and BOOM!  I'm out. I'm gone. Game over.  What, are they gonna shoot me down?  NOT LIKELY, NANCY.  I'll just stay over populated areas all the way to Mexico, and I'm as golden as the Dali Lama's diarrhea! Granted, it would be hard to actually steal one of these fuckers, and it would be even harder to land it South of the border, but whatevs - I'm on the run from the law!  YOU'LL NEVER CATCH ME, COPPER!

Option two: I AM A MASTER OF DISGUISES

Many of you probably don't know this, but I carry a disguise on me at all times: This gray wig and fake beard.  THAT'S RIGHT, BITCHES - NO ONE HAS ACTUALLY EVER SEEN THE REAL AARON BLEYAERT.  BWA HA HA HA HA HA HA.  Oh god.  I am good.  SO good. Seriously - I can't believe you idiots actually thought that a human being could ever possibly have gray hair and brown beard naturally.  What rubes!  What morons!  What gullible ruby morons!  I have been planning this heist or murder or whatever I'm running from for decades, and you suckers just played right into my hands!!  All these years of being ridiculed by my peers, shunned by the opposite sex, and punished by mirrors HASN'T all been for naught!  What does the REAL Aaron Bleyaert look like?  Think Tom Cruise.  But handsome.

Option three: I'VE GOT MOVES YOU AIN'T SEEN BUT IN A MAGAZINE

I juke left.  I juke right.  I make it lax.  I keep it tight.  I am a human motherfuckin' JUKE BOX, and I will butt fuck the fuck outta your fastest pigs and make it home in time for supper while the gravy's still hot! Ain't no thing but a chicken wing on a string at Burger King while watching Return of the King! Wait, did I just rhyme King with King?  Whatever. I am fast, and agile, and there ain't no stoppin' the poppin', cuz I leave a hot mess that you be moppin'! Worrrrrrrrrrd. If that road block ain't up mighty quick, y'all be caught in the wind holding your -

Option four: I PRETEND LIKE I'M A TREE, MOTHERFUCKER

Rustle rustle.  What's that?  The wind through the bamboo? A breeze through the maple leaves? No way, sucka - THAT'S OL BLEY MAKING HIS GETAWAY.  This is why I carry leaves in one pocket and a glue stick in the other: I AM LIKE EINSTEIN MIXED WITH MCGUYVER MIXED WITH STEVE MCQUEEN FROM THE GREAT ESCAPE MIXED WITH CLINT EASTWOOD FROM ESCAPE FROM ALCATRAZ MIXED WITH BEYONCE FROM DESTINY'S CHILD BECAUSE I CAN DANCE REAL GOOD. Seriously. I am a good dancer.

So, if you are on the hunt for me, just forget it. Give up. There's no catching me. Even if you don't leave your helicopter keys in the ignition; Even if you see through my many disguises; even if you get your roadblocks up in time; Even if you can tell the difference between a guy who has tried to glue a bunch of leaves onto his windbreaker and an actual tree... I've got hundreds of other ways past you. I will win. I will escape.  And I will live to eat my Cheetios in freedom once again. WIN.