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The Cherry Gold Retrospective

In January 2023, I was in the deepest depth of the aftermath of a medical issue that had, for a lack of words, utterly destroyed me. One day, everything was fine and perfect. I had things lined up, things were looking up, all was going to plan, and then, the worst happened. It led to a series of events that involved minor surgery, weekly blood tests and the inability to work, let alone function. I had tried to go to work, but both times resulted in anxiety attacks so severe that it left me sobbing, bent double, wondering what was wrong with me.

I was paired with a therapist near the ending half of January, after my doctor extended my medical leave. I only went to one meeting- I couldn’t bear the thought of pouring myself out and exposing all of my problems- all of my recent traumas, past traumas and past mental health issues over and over and over again to a stranger who said all of the right things.

However, this therapist asked me a crucial question that led to Cherry Gold.

What are you proud of?

I said, my child. I am always proud of him.

But what else?

I wasn’t proud of myself, that was for sure. I was having week-long anxiety attacks because of a blood test for a disease I may or may not have, that could lead to a worse disease. I saw literal children do the same blood test without a single tear in their eyes. How could I be proud of myself? I couldn't work, I couldn’t function, I couldn’t be a good mom, a good partner. Every single day was a struggle and there was no pride in my actions.

Then, I caught up on a few chapters of Bad Thinking Diary.

Like everyone else, I began reading Bad Thinking Diary because the art was beautiful, and well detailed. The characters were a mixed bag- Kang Yuna was cool, obviously, but trying too hard to be so to mask social awkwardness. Kim Minji annoyed me and I disliked her as a protagonist.

But it was Oh Hyera and Cho Minjae that interested me. One was a beautiful, mysterious manipulator with secret intentions out to destroy a budding relationship and the other was a willing pawn in a game, loyal and obsessed.

However, the plot left me wanting. I hated how miscommunication was the main plot device that drove conflict. I hated how the main characters did very little and none of it was satisfying. I wasn’t rooting for Yuna and Minji. I disliked them together.

So I did what everyone else does with an unsatisfying story- turn to fanfiction. I scrolled through Ao3 and fanfic.net but found nothing that scratched the itch that I had.

Then, I did the second thing everyone does when they can’t find what they want on the internet, I became inspired to write something.

Writing had been my escape for years- through all of the hard times, the happy times and the inbetween, I always had a story in my mind, ready to go. I would daydream and fall asleep to all sorts of ideas, then wake up to furiously type them out. Some were original, some were fanfiction. I discovered my sexuality through writing (Hey, I wondered to myself in my early twenties, why don’t I write about straight couples anymore??) and with years and years of practice, I went from writing little stories to winning NaNoWriMo with ease to writing 100k novels for fun. Are any of them good? Beats me. I always wrote for me, and sometimes, very rarely, I would share it with a friend or two. At this point, it had been ten years since I published fanfiction online.

(And yes, I am old. I am in my early thirties)

So, on February first, when I was left alone while the world moved on, I dealt with my problems the same way I did when I was a teenager and as a young adult: I wrote.

And boy did I write. I wrote for hours everyday, losing myself in Cherry Gold, in Minjae’s struggles, sculpting the story I wanted to read so desperately. I wanted to read a story about someone who was broken like me, who relied on the love of others to get by. A story about a young girl who didn’t know better, who was making the best choices she thought she could, hoping it would get better.

My dopamine deprived brain was feasting- writing every single day, only stopping to eat and do some chores. I hadn’t written like this in years- I had been too burdened with work, school, motherhood to write for hours at a time, uninterrupted like I was a teenager, with my first laptop. A joy I hadn’t felt in years. The act of imaginative creation that unlocked a part of me I hadn’t been able to tap in months. I had been in a writing rut for a year, at least, unable to write more than a few pages but not able to continue or finish the story for some reason or another. My eyes strained and so did my wrists. I forced myself to take breaks but I yearned to write. I couldn’t wait for the next day, to write a dozen pages and see where things would go. I was hardly planning. I was just letting the story go where it wanted, planting seeds and seeing how they would grow.

I could feel myself getting better.

It helped that I stopped doing blood tests. My doctor understood why, but urged me to try. I couldn;t. I couldn’t fall back to where I was when I was doing the tests. I was finally happy. I was finally blooming and seeing the light.

And then I decided I would publish Cherry Gold- if I had trouble finding a fic that would satisfy me, then surely others would, too? Maybe my fic was what they wanted, needed, to read, too?

I posted a few chapters. The kudos, the views, the comments came in. It was exhilarating- people were reading my fic! They liked it! They wanted more!

So once Cherry Gold came to its conclusion, I wrote the first volume of side stories, to fill in a few gaps that didn’t fit in the fic.

Then, I came up with a sequel- Midnight Ice. At this point, I was back at work. I was so happy to be back at work- I was given the medical all- clear that I wasn’t suffering from some obscure disease and work was better than ever. I wrote every weekend, sometimes I would wake up at five in the morning just to write before work.

Midnight Ice came from the love of the craft, of the characters, of the feedback. I couldn’t let Minjae’s story end there. I was too attached to her. I couldn't let her fall to despair like she was in the original manhwa. I cared too much. She needed her happy ending. She needed to be okay, with someone safe. I was doing better, and I was going to make sure Minjae would be better, too.

The next volume of side stories were written because I honestly just wanted to write smut and happy scenes for Minjae. I wanted her to be happy. I wanted her to have everything because in the back of my mind, I wanted to tell Hyera’s story, too.

I wrote so many flashbacks for Hyera, I was getting into her mind. I knew she’d never be satisfied in letting Minjae have her happy ending. I was torn. I wanted to write Hyera’s great revenge. I wanted Minjae to have a happy ending. I wanted her to get married and live in bliss with Yuna. I didn’t want to put her through so much pain.

So I wrote Rose Dust. I won’t go into much detail, since I’m not done posting it.

But I finished writing it and realised that there were other characters who deserved happy endings, too.

I began writing Violet Bones, a spin off of Rose Dust. Go Sunhee, as you will see in the upcoming chapters of Rose Dust, Goes Through Some Stuff and her story doesn’t get resolved. I wrote her story, realised that I didn’t like where it was going, and scrapped half of it.

And then, I realised, I was in a writing rut. I couldn’t figure out Go Sunhee’s story. We were so similar- we suffered the burdens of being the eldest daughter together, doing our best for our families despite the unhappiness in our hearts. Why couldn’t the words come easily to me?

I gave writing a break. It was autumn, nearly winter now. I had been writing nonstop since February and I needed the break. I needed to stop and let myself refill. I posted chapters of Midnight Ice, the side stories and Rose Dust for now.

Then one day, I reread my comments. The flood of love and adoration for my writing and I realised, I wanted to write more. After writing Rose Dust, I yearned to write from Minjae’s POV, so it came to me early one saturday morning- a christmas special.

As much fun as it was to write Minjae again, I was having trouble once more. Too much trouble and in my hurry to make the christmas deadline, I posted chapters without finishing the fic.

Rookie mistake, I know.

I know I will finish the christmas special soon, I don’t have any worries about that. I love this past year and what it did to me creatively. Despite the pain and trauma I had to endure to get to this point, I am proud of what I wrote and posted. Is it my best work ever? No, probably not. Writing is a skill that grows with you and I am sure I have more growing to do. I am excited to see what the next year of writing will bring, if Cherry Gold and Minjae will come back to me, with a new story or if something new or original will spark my creativity.

In the meantime, I want to thank everyone who read and commented on the Cherry Gold series! I say this with every comment because I ardently believe it- thank thank thank you. Without you readers, leaving such lovely comments, I would have given up after Cherry Gold. I would have kept Midnight Ice and the rest of the series to myself, if they got written at all.

After all, for many many years, no one read what I wrote because I wasn’t brave enough to share. Now I am and I am thankful and grateful that I did.

I’m so, so proud of Cherry Gold. I’m so grateful for my readers and I hope that you will all stick around to see what’s next!

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