Introduction to Chapter One
Chapter One: What to do before baby-having
Welcome to Adventures in Baby-Having! If you are reading this work, I have some assumptions I would like to make about you:
You're interested in the lost art of baby-having.
You're tired of guides that promise to help you raise your baby into a healthy and happy member of society.
I realize that some of those assumptions may be wrong about you. That's ok. We all make mistakes once in a while. You're thinking about baby-having, that's probably a mistake right there. I acknowledge that you may be listening to this in audio-book format and illiterate, or that the zombie apocalypse may have come and you are not completely alive. I will forgive you for being you, in the name of the higher calling: baby-having.
I know what you are thinking. You're thinking to yourself, 'isn't this a guide that promises to help you raise your baby into a healthy and happy member of society?' No. This book guarantees it. That's a big step up from a promise. You have my guarantee that this book will make all of your wildest dreams come true, and those of your future spawnling.
You may call me Dr. Childress. I'm not a doctor, but you may call me one. You might as well: you're reading my work. I am a male in his twenties with no kids. I will likely have children in the future, though – expert point 1. My last name has 'child' in it, which I think makes me an excellent source of knowledge on this subject – expert point 2. I believe the points are in my favor. I will now do my utmost to make you an expert as well.
I have never written on anything before, nor will I likely ever write on anything again. However, this testament must be written. It would be a crime not to share the wealth of knowledge residing in my imagination. It would be an even bigger crime for you not to blindly follow my wisdom.
I would like to state upfront that I have no desire to personally baby-have at any time. I will likely support my wife during her painful and excruciating pregnancy ordeal. However, as a personal vow, I have vowed never to be pregnant. It's complicated – I don't want to talk about it. We are not here for me. We are here for you.
So let's get to work getting a baby into you!
How does the baby get inside of me? I hear you ask.
Good question.
The short answer is: no one knows. It just appears there. But we are getting ahead of ourselves. Before we can discuss getting the baby into and then out of you, there are some steps you can take to make sure that it appears there faster and more accurately.
