Hey, could any of the christians/christ followers on here please pray for me?
Religious trauma(?) warning
(Idk if this counts as religious trauma or not)
Don't know how to word this, so bear with me
I've decided to stop pursuing a relationship with God, because trying to do so has just been detrimental to my mental health
Every time I go to church, everyone there is putting up their hands, singing, some are even on their knees. And here I am, having never experienced God, and feeling like he's there. I've always felt alone in that sense
He's never answered my prayers, and because of this, I've doubted his existence since I was like, 10. When I was having nightmares and couldn't sleep, I tried praying with mother, but I always had to calm myself because I felt no comfort at all, prayer after prayer
I've really started struggling over the past few years as I've started finding my sexuality and gender identity. Although I feel happy with who I am, I still have a LOT of doubts. I've been told all my life that gays go to hell, and although I don't believe that God would create people just to send them to hell, it's still a prominent thought. I've quite literally been sobbing on the floor dozens of times, begging God to show me ANY sign from him that being gay is either wrong or right, he hasn't answered me at all. It's just been me crying at the wind. Nothing.
I can't change who I am or who I like, and it really scares me that I could be sent to eternal torment because of it. If I could choose to be a normal, cishet person, I absolutely would, no hesitation, just to remove all doubt and fear
I really wanna believe that god exists, but I'm really not sure at this point. Every time I try to pray, I wanna cry because I feel nothing, while EVERYONE ELSE seems to have a relationship with God and is happy. I dread going to church because I nearly cry every time I see everyone in the room worshipping and genuinely enjoying being there. I just feel so tired of trying and done with God and christianity
So yeah, if any of the religious people could please pray for me, that would be very appreciated /nf :)