#chronic chronicles

[whirling-ghost]

uber automatically suggests my gp and the local hospital as destinations whenever I open it

[forgottenflowers]

me: hmm why is watching hockey making me incredibly ill all the time now??

also me: has eyes that don't focus at all, limited depth perception, my eyes don't track smoothly, and sometimes my brain just stops processing input from my left eye in its entirety

also also me: has tickets for six pwhl games this season

[forgottenflowers]

really rude of them to make cervical mean both neck and cervix because i got the notification from my doctor to book a cervical exam and had a momentary freak out because i forgot this was about my whiplash

[forgottenflowers]

when the pcs means ur brain forgets to breathe

[forgottenflowers]

finally getting into the concussion clinic and they're already giving me special treatment, which nice but also. oh no

[forgottenflowers]

official doctor diagnosis: never getting better

clear solution: only get worse

[forgottenflowers]

are there mice in my walls, are the cats scratching the carpet on the floor above me or am i having auditory hallucinations again?

and the thrilling sequel, is it raining, is a pipe leaking or am i having auditory hallucinations again?

[forgottenflowers]

concussion stuff under the cut

thought I'd retired the #chronic chronicles tag because i don't like people knowing im struggling but i really just need to get this all out of my head.

im suffering. im really suffering and it sucks. i. i don't know how to explain what its like. im still functioning, im not falling behind, im actually ahead of schedule, im doing everything i need to. but i feel like im withering away. in my worst moments, it feels like i can feel my brain degenerating.

im so scared of interacting with people, i can't speak as clearly as i used to, i stumble over my words, i use the wrong words and have to correct them. i miss parts of conversations, i fall behind, it feels like i have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. i feel like i have nothing of value, no reason to be present with people, even if i desperately want to.

its funny because im not depressed, im not suicidal, im just paranoid and ive lost motor skills that make interaction feel like an embarrassing attempt at fitting in, at being a person. i feel like people are just waiting for me to leave even though i know they aren't, even if they're reaching out and touching base.

my head hurts. i struggle to speak normally, i struggle to see things, but i seem okay from the outside.

i feel trapped inside my body.