The stress of imaginary problems.
I was in front of my laptop, trying to figure out how to complete the task I was assigned to. I kept looking at the work chat, where people logged their break time, and debated with myself if I should take a few minutes to rest.
For hours I told myself I didn’t deserve a break, until my head gave up on me and all I could hear was the growing, stomping headache.
I finally logged my break.
I felt guilty.
And then the chain of questions came rushing through me like a bullet train.
The questions always start with self-doubt:
“Am I doing enough to deserve a break?”
“Am I even capable of completing this task?”
Turns out the break wasn’t a break at all. I just spent it worrying.
I went back to my seat, facing my task, and the questions immediately returned:
“What if I’m not prepared for this job?”
“Will I get fired when they discover I’m an imposter?”
I try to be rational. I tell myself this is just my mind playing tricks to keep me stuck in a cycle of stress and unhappiness.
“Life is good now,” I remind myself, thinking of all the things I’ve achieved recently.
So why do these involuntary questions keep coming?
I’ve never found an answer, other than telling myself they’re lies, but my brain wants something more objective. Something straightforward. A reason why I deserve a break. And I fail at giving myself those answers.
The questions can become very dark at times, and in those moments I don’t have the strength to reply to my worst self.
But I’m not here to write a depressing journal entry with no happy ending, because I do believe in happy endings now.
I feel the change simply in trying to find answers. I feel closer and closer to shutting down these uninvited, destructive thoughts.
To all the unanswered questions: the answer is to keep trying.
