#cin ii

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Update to an old text post/RE: HPV

I’ve gotten a lot of PMs and asks lately about my text post about being diagnosed with (and later treated for) HPV. The post was from 2014, and I’ve seen an uptick of PMs about it lately, so I’d like to address some things/provide an update/re-extend an invite to anyone searching for answers/a shoulder.

After the LEEP procedure, I went in every six months to have a colposcopy for either a year or two. I went through a tremendous amount of self-reflection and tried my best to not blame myself or feel any negative feelings about my sex life. It didn’t really work, and I pretty much swore off sex for about six months despite my doctor telling me it wasn’t necessary. That was a long time for me. Luckily, the LEEP procedure was successful. Now, 3.5 years later, every one of my pap smears have come back normal. Though I’ll have HPV for the rest of my life, it’s non-transmittable and won’t develop into cervical cancer as long as I take care of myself. I’m not being affected in any way by the diagnosis any more, unless you count medical students in my gynecology office commenting on the strange look of my post-surgery cervix during pap smears. If you have HPV, it might feel like the end of the world. It felt like it for me. But it’s not.

In the time that I was not sexually active, I met someone. We’ve been together more than three years now and my diagnosis (which he knows about and was told about before we had a sexual relationship) hasn’t affected the relationship at all.

The moral of the story: A diagnosis of an incurable disease doesn’t mean the end of your sexual life, and it will get better. Though HPV is one of the most common disease, and most people’s bodies take care of it on their own without medical/surgical intervention, the feelings you’re feeling aren’t invalid just because it’s not “as bad” as any other. Get the HPV vaccine, get regular pap smears, enjoy your sex life. If you’d like to PM me, I’m not a medical professional, but I’m happy to talk you through anything or answer any questions you have.

In the words of Alex the parrot, you be good, see you tomorrow. I love you.

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Extremely personal text post--here for others with moderate/severe HPV.

FOR THOSE WHO HAVE BEEN DIAGNOSED WITH HPV. FEEL FREE TO IGNORE OTHERWISE.

So I don't usually post extremely personal things but I feel the need to now, for those on Tumblr who are going through what I am. This is extremely personal. Only my mom, my roommates and one of my very closest friends know about what follows.

A little over a month ago I was diagnosed with HPV. I had the Gardasil shots a couple years before I ever became sexually active, by the way, and always use condoms. I was told I needed to come back to the OBGYN to have a colposcopy (snip off a part of my cervix) in order to determine the severity of the HPV. My gyno told me not to worry about it, as she was 99% sure it was low-grade since I'm so young and said I would only need to come back in 6 months to check on it, as my body would fight it off on its own and I could go back to a normal sex life.

She was wrong.

My colpo results showed that I had moderate to severe cells (CIN II/III) and I was at a high risk of the cells forming into cervical cancer. I was shocked. The past couple weeks, I have had the lowest self esteem of my life. I didn't want anyone near my vagina, I felt diseased and dirty. I didn't even want to masturbate. I was getting furious with my roommates over things that never happened. I didn't want to play video games, I didn't want to go to class, I didn't want to go out and drink, I didn't want to talk to anyone, I just wanted to lay in bed. My mom called me every day to check in on me, and I would just tell her I was fine so she wouldn't worry. The feeling of being told you have an STD is horrible and stigmatized. I was raised Catholic, but no longer identify as such. After I was told I was at a high risk for cervical cancer, I, for the first time since regularly going to church, felt shame for having a vagina and felt shame for having sex. I haven't had sex in two months out of fear of having to tell someone, which has only added to the mental instability. It's a bizarre mix of not wanting to have sex, but feeling the need for sexual and romantic contact. I had multiple breakdowns in front of my roommates on Wednesday after realizing they weren't angry with me. I felt like such a shitty person for not being able to communicate with them.

I had the LEEP procedure done this morning. I was scared, but the fear of the procedure was heavily overshadowed by how horribly sad I was. The LEEP, for those of you reading this who don't know, is a procedure in which they give multiple numbing shots directly to your cervix, then use an electrified loop thing to remove the risk cells. Afterwards, they cauterize your cervix back together (you can smell your cervix burning and they use a vacuum to get rid of the smoke). Luckily, I got my mind off of it by rambling about my roommates to my doctor and the two nurses and had my mom stay in the room with me. The procedure was over before I knew it and I barely felt any pain. If you're getting LEEP, ask your doctor to prescribe you a Valium so you can take it prior to the procedure to calm you down. Helped immensely.

I'm laying in bed now, somewhat emotional but now it's the waiting game. I now wait for the results to make sure they removed everything necessary and that it's all good down there. After that I will come back in six months to do a pap and another colpo and ensure that everything is A-OK down there.

If you're going through this, please feel free to message me or send me an ask or a private message. The emotional and mental sides of having HPV, or at least for me, are the worst parts of it. LEEP and the colpos are nothing to worry about, but for some reason people (my mom is a huge exception) seem to gloss over how I've been doing mentally, only hearing that I have to have part of my cervix removed while I'm wide awake, which may cause complications if I chose to have children, assuming that to be the worst. Physical pain is easy, bro.

I wrote this because I felt like I was going through it alone. Feel free to ask me anything about the procedure, share your worries, share your feelings if you need. People often write off HPV because such a large portion of the sexually active population eventually get it and their bodies fight it off on their own, but especially if you're told you have a more serious strain or a strain that is at a high risk of causing cancer, it takes a large mental toll.