My father wasn't around (my father wasn't around). I swear that I'll be around for you. I'll do whatever it takes (I'll make a million mistakes). I'll make the world safe and sound for you. ~ Leslie Odom Jr., Lin Manuel Miranda, 2015
My mom was over the moon and oddly...prepared...for the announcement.
Oh, I've been thinking about this moment for a long time, she said. I didn't bring you into the world to give me grandchildren, and if you decided you were never having kids, I'd embrace that, too. But, sweetheart, I am ready. Is it a boy? A girl? Do we know?
We don't, I told her. And we don't want to know. We just know that the baby's healthy, I'm healthy, and everything is happening the way it should.
After congratulatory hugs and kisses from Grandma and Soji, Mom and I went out onto the balcony for a bit of privacy.
When your father died, I didn't know how to handle my own grief, let alone yours, she said. So I ignored your grief and mine, thinking that giving you an easel and a journal was therapy enough. It wasn't right. Wasn't healthy. And I'm sorry that I put you on a such a self-destructive path.
I'm sorry I was such a little shit. But don't beat yourself up over it another second. I've talked my grief out in actual therapy and I'm using my journal more constructively these days. I'm okay. You and me? We're okay. Period.
Mom laughed and sniffled at the same time, wiping her tears with her fingertips. From the moment you were born, there has never been a moment I haven't loved you with my whole heart. And I promise to be a better zizi than I was a mother.
The fuck is a Zizi?
She laughed again, louder and with joy. Oh, I was listening to a Hoes to Housewives podcast episode about being called grandma when you're not ready for the rocking chair just yet, and I decided I'd rather be called Zizi.
Fair enough, I said, pressing a kiss to her cheek. Just don't be surprised if The Bean makes other plans.
By the way, before you beat me to the punch with surprises, I was planning to tell you that I've released your trust fund. I've second guessed so many times about holding onto it for so long—
Don't. I would have blown it all on drugs. You did the right thing. I'm ready now.
I rubbed a hand over the beginning signs of a bump. We're ready.
