#cisfl

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 13 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: Apologies it took so long to update. I’ve been trying to get my life together by getting a job which I’m still in the process of but very hopeful. Anyway, enjoy the update.

~ Grinder

It hasn’t even been a week since I started my shifts at The Tap, the bar in which Adore performed, the place we held most of our staff do’s. Although the memories made here were not necesserily the best due to recent events, it was somewhat comforting working in a familiar environment. The sound of the drunks singing along to the mellow sounds of Adore’s voice makes me smirk with amusement.

“Kiss me…beneath the milky twilight…” a man serenades me as I pour him his fifth drink for the night.

“You having a good time, mate?” I ask beaming a smile at him.

“Ohhh, the lady…” he pauses to point a finger to Adore twirling on the stage, “…brilliant singer…brilliant singer…”

“I know, right? That’s Adore. She’s my friend.” I stated handing him the pint of beer.

“Beautiful - beautiful…” he slurs, “You know?”

“Yeah…” I look to Adore as she gently sways to the rhythm of her song, fairy lights reflecting their glow off her hair. “…she really is…”

My eyes turn to the drunken man as he hands me his money and stumbles away with his drink. He trips on the way causing everyone to look in his direction. His friends help him up as he begins laughing and cheering at his foolishness.

Adore has even stopped singing for a moment, she’s distracted by the scene.

“Be careful, man. Glad you’re having fun though. Damn.” She giggles before continuing on with the song.

I watch her as she sings so smoothly, the audience sway from side to side captivated by her performance. She has such an amazing presence.

I’m so glad she got me into this job. Not only is it extra money but I still get to spend time with her. Ever since I told her about the Willam situation she’s been nothing but helpful. She’s visited everyday, even Bailey is convinced she has a second mom. Her company has helped a lot.

I suppose I feel better that I patched things up with Alyssa but there was still Willam. I know in my heart I should just forgive her. But there is still some level of hurt there. Not as much as it was before. I’ve learned to kind of forget about it and get on with life.

But when I’m in Adore’s company I just seem to forget about everything. All the bad feelings leave my mind. No Willam. No worries.

Snap. Snap.

I’m pulled from my thoughts as I look to the source of the snapping.

“Anyone home?”

It’s a man clicking his fingers in my direction, his other hand holding a few coins. “I’m sorry. What can I get you?”

“Just a strawberry and lime cider. You distracted?” He teases as I get to work on his order.

“No…well, yeah actually. She’s my friend. She’s a great singer.” I speak trying to focus on finding the right bottle from the coolers. Once I find it, I bend down to grab the bottle.

“Oh, she’s yours then?” He smirks.

“My friend, yes.” I reply before grabbing a glass and filling it with ice. I turn back to him and place the glass down.

He’s silent for a while but still smiling. He breaks the pause, responding with, “nice.”

Feeling awkward in the strange moment, I take his money, grab the change from the till and return to the man.

“Keep the change.” He smirks, walking away.

“Thanks.” I reply.

Well that was weird.

The music, stops making me turn to look to the stage.

“Thank you all for having me. My name is Adore Delano and you can’t buy any singles yet ‘cause I’m such a busy bitch but come see me more. You’ve been a great audience!” Adore kisses her fingers and gives the audience a sign of peace before leaving the stage. She practically skips up to the bar, squealing with excitement. “Oh my gosh, that was the best gig I’ve had so far. I’m so glad I wasn’t roped into that Friday gig. That shit’s messy.”

“I know, girl. Well congratulations! You did great. Trust me; watch this place start to fill up with crowds over the next week.” I beam a smile as I work on pouring her a drink.

“Holy shit, you’re like my number one fan girl, I love it.” Adore laughs. “So how was your first night working as a bar tender?”

I pass Adore the bottle of beer and she takes a sip.

“Not my first night. I did some at college. Remember? But I suppose this place is nicer compared the last place I worked. Better atmosphere. Nice lighting. Friendly customers -even though some are kinda weird-” I mutter the last part. “And I get to watch you perform as well so that’s a big plus.”

“Yeah, ‘cause why wouldn’t you wanna watch this bitch sing other peoples music for a couple of hours.” Adore’s smirks, taking another drink. “I swear, man, one day I’m gonna write my own stuff. And I’m gonna be sooo…fucking…cool.”

“Well I’m gonna hold you to that.” I say leaning my elbows on the counter.

“You better.” Adore replies.

“So what are your plans now?”

“Well I was just gonna hang out here until you finished your shift. Maybe I’ll get drunk. I dunno. I just wanna hang out.”

“Well I’m very glad you find me entertaining enough despite all the whining and crying I’ve been doing.” I stifle a laugh.

“Girl, shut up. You’re so fucking awesome. I love you and don’t you forget that.” Adore points a finger in my face and uses her other hand to grab mine.

“I love me too.” I say with a cheeky smile.

-_-_-_-

It’s been over 3 weeks since I started the temporary bar tending shifts at The Tap and let’s just say it’s no longer temporary. Dick offered me a full time position due the lack of workers he had as well as my “charismatic personality”. So here I am making more money than I had when working for Tune 105. I took night shifts as I didn’t want to give up working for the radio station that I loved so much. I still worked on writing the news scripts so I had the opportunity to meet our two new presenters. They were nice. Very smart and approachable. I helped them prepare for live news readings along with Dela even though the only experience I have with it is from watching Adore and Alyssa.

Speaking of Adore and Alyssa, they were promoted as reporters of the morning and news programmes. They work with Katya and Trixie now, the clowns of the station. It’s fun to watch Alyssa get frustrated with them as they goof around when their supposed to be out finding stories. Adore just encourages them which makes it even funnier. But the final product of the programmes always turn out perfect. If only our station had a wider audience. I feel Adore, Alyssa, Katya and Trixie deserve more recognition.

And more news on Alyssa, she talked more with Tatianna after she received the promotion. It was to be expected after all what with Alyssa being a reporter for the noon news show which Tati presented. At first they seemed really professional around each other, working together on how a story should go and what should be said. Alyssa wasn’t so nervous around her anymore.

And one day I just so happened to walk in on Alyssa having a mini break down over how her story was failing to go anywhere. Tatianna gave her tips and ideas of how they could make it all work. Alyssa would brush them off but Tati pushed her to do it. What a professional.

I know it seems like I was eavesdropping. I tried so hard to focus on my news script. But I couldn’t help but glance over from time to time to make sure Alyssa was OK. And about the third time I looked around, Tati had just kissed her, pulling away and squeezing her shoulders. I kept in an excited squeal as I felt a rush of happiness for Alyssa. She finally got the one she really wanted. It turned out that they had been seeing each other now that they were working so closely. It just felt right seeing them so happy.

And my happiness? Let’s just say I’m 100% content with life right now. I haven’t properly spoken to Willam yet. We’ve said a few things at the station like when we’re in meetings we share comments on ideas. And sometimes she’ll ask if I want tea to which I don’t turn my nose up at her but gratefully accept. I don’t know where we stand right now. But I’m happy with the way things are.

Adore comes around my place religiously. She says it’s because she likes hanging out with me, but I know the other reason is because of Bailey. Most of our days consist of sitting on the living room floor, talking about random things while playing with my puppy. I love Adore’s company. She’s so quick and witty which never fails to make me laugh. I’m glad she exists. Everyone thank the lord for Adore.

“Courtney?”

“Sorry. What?” I snap out of my train of thought looking to Adore who’s being attacked with kisses from Bailey.

“I said let’s go to the mall and play hide and seek.” She proposes.

Am I a child or a 30 year old woman?

Yes.

“Sounds great.”

-_-_-_-

Adore and I giggle like two idiots as we walk around the large shopping mall. Alaska is looking after Bailey just so we can play hide and seek in such a large space. What dorks. But honestly, it sounds fun right? Again. Thank the lord for Adore.

“OK, bitch!” Adore practically shouts feeling very obnoxious (but in a good way.) “I’m gonna go hide now. Gimme a minute before you come looking for me.”

“A minute??” I exclaim.

“Yeah. Maybe 2. Have you seen the size of this place?” Adore’s eyes widen as she looks around.

“OK. I’ll be in that store over there. I’m giving you 2 minutes. Better make it count.” I smile mischievously.

“Oh, I will! I already know where I’m hiding.” She laughs taking a few steps away.

“1..2…” I begin.

And she’s off. Literally running and trying to dodge the people. I shake my head and laugh quietly at the immaturity we possess.

I wander around the clothes shop about 2 minutes, admiring the items on display. After the 2 minutes is up, I’m on the hunt.

Now, if I was Adore…where would I hide? Maybe her favourite clothes shop? Nah, too easy. Well she could be hiding behind the clothes. No, too obvious. Maybe somewhere big. Some difficult to find anyone.

…

IKEA!

I make my way to the store, determined she will be there. Why wouldn’t you hide in IKEA? Yes, it’s predictable but difficult to find anyone. I mean, how many times have you seen a parent looking for their lost kid in IKEA.

I search around the display rooms, looking in every shower and cupboard. So far no where to be seen. Yep, this was definitely hard. There are so many display rooms. Would she choose one that she likes? Or would that be too obvious. What about one absolutely terrible looking? Or is that also too obvious.

I continue looking around the store, getting strange looks from shoppers as I inspect the display rooms carefully. After a few minutes, I’ve found her. There’s a bed covered in a red satin sheets and clearly there is a person underneath. I cautiously approach the bed making sure there’s no peek holes she could be spying from in order to plan an escape. Oh my gosh, it sounds like I’m a kidnapper or something.

I grab the top of the covers and pull back hard to reveal that it indeed was Adore. She yelped out in surprise and covered her form with her arms.

“Get out of my room, you heathen! I am without clothing!” She practically shouts.

I laugh and shush her looking around to see a few people shaking their heads. “People are going to approach us.”

“Well who wouldn’t wanna approach us, man.” Adore giggles pulling me down on the bed beside her. “Two very good looking women in a red satin bed is a fucking magical attraction in my opinion.”

I laugh and playfully slap her hands off of me. “Come on, let’s get out of here fast!”

“Hey!”

My ears prick up as we both turn our heads to the abrupt voice. Oh shit. A member of staff.

“What do you think you two are doing?? Get out of that bed and get the hell outta here before I call mall security.” He threatens with a pointed tone.

I hastily get off the bed with a face red with embarrassment. But honestly I’m also dying laughing.

“Fine.” Adore sulks standing up. I try to make the bed again as Adore continues to talk to the man. “Me and my newly wed wifey will just go else where to find our new bed. Come on, Courtney.”

She extends her hand to me which I take and walk away as people just shake their heads.

“Oh my God. We just got kicked out of IKEA.” I speak in a quiet voice as exit the store.

“I know. How punk rock.” Adore laughs aloud. She let’s go of my hand and turns to me. “OK, you’re turn to hide now.”

“You really wanna keep playing after what just happened?”

“Yeah, duh! I’m giving you 2 minutes.”

“Are you sure we should?”

“1…2…3…” Adore smiles as she begins to count.

All I can do is smirk as I run from her. I try to think of a place to hide. But I can’t stop thinking about the fact we just got kicked out of IKEA for testing a bed. I swear being with Adore, you just forget about what everyone else thinks. It’s good to let yourself go sometimes.

The smell of coffee hits my nostrils and it smells so good. I look around and find a Starbucks. How long has it been since Adore started counting? Better hide now than worry about being caught too early. I make my way inside, sitting at a two person table that just so happens to have a newspaper laying there. I hold the paper up pretending to read. While I wait, I feel nervous about being caught at any moment. Ever get that feeling while playing hide and seek when your stomach is in a knot and you don’t want to breathe. That’s me right now.

I hear the seat in front of me pull out. A bag is placed on the table. How could she possibly have found me already??

“What’s with the paper cover up? You got a zit or herpes, girl?”

My newspaper flies down at the sound of the familiar voice. It’s not Adore. It’s Willam.

“Oh, no.” I reply nervously tucking my hair behind my ear. “I’m just…hiding.”

Willam looks around cautiously. “From who?”

“Oh, just Adore.” I stifle a laugh. “We’re playing hide and seek.”

“Really? Sounds great. So she’s looking for you right now?”

“Yeah.”

“Well, maybe I should go sit somewhere else before I make it obvious where you are.” Willam says as she begins to stand up.

I don’t let her get too far though. My hand shoots out and grabs hers. “Wait a second.”

Willam looks puzzled for a few seconds before sitting down again.

I just look at her for a while, thinking of something to say. I open my mouth but close it again. And repeat the action again. I guess it’s best to come right out with it. “I just want to let you know that I forgive you, Willam.”

“Really?” Her eyes widen as she looks bewildered.

“Yeah, the past few weeks I’ve felt happier in just living my life as it happens. I needed to stop feeling so sorry for myself and get on with things. And when we started talking again at the station, maybe not a lot but…it just felt things were back to normal. And it makes me happy. But I just want you to know up front that I accept your apology and can move on from what happened.”

Willam sighs out relief. “Well thank God. I kinda still thought you were mad at me and didn’t really know what to do. I thought we were doing that 'lets-be-civil’ bullshit. But I’m glad.”

“Maybe we can just see what happened as a learning experience from now on.”

“Yeah, sounds good.” Willam smiles to which I smile back. “Thanks, Court’.”

“No problem.” I reply. “So- -”

“There you are!”

Adore is now standing beside us at the table. “I looked forever man. I thought you’d be in the pet store or Victoria’s Secret.” She then looks to Willam. “Oh hey, girl.”

“Evening.” Willam replies. “To be honest I’d probably see Courtney hiding somewhere difficult like a parking lot.”

I curse as the idea didn’t even cross my mind.

“Oh me too. But you’d find me either smoking weed or offering services.” Adore laughed.

“Count me in then.” I say rolling my eyes at the thought of it.

“And me too.” Willam agrees.

“How about you join us, man.” Adore offers Willam. “When was the last time you played extreme hide and seek?”

“I don’t know. I’m kind of hungover and need a coffee.” Willam replies.

“Oh come on it’ll be fun!” I whine giving Willam puppy dog eyes.

“Guys, I know I live my life on the edge but I’m not 10.” Willam retorts.

Adore and I look to each other, smirking. And then back to Willam.

“1…2…3…” We chant in unison.

A smirk creeps onto Willam’s face as she shakes her head. “Goddammit.”

And with that she gets up and quickly leaves the cafe out of our sight.

“I feel like she’s gonna be really good at hiding. Let’s give her one minute to hide.” I suggest.

“OK, I won’t tell her if you wont.” Adore says sitting down.

Adore and I discuss the possibilities of where Willam would choose as her hiding space and I smile all the while. Not just because of the current situation but also because of the overwhelming sense of relief. That remaining sense of sadness can finally leave my body as I breathe out. And it’s so uplifting. And now is the time for a new chapter in my life to begin. No more searching for someone who I believe is the only one when there are so many more opportunities out there waiting. No more being fooled by an emotion that tricks me into behaving like someone who I am not. No more thoughts of life being over in moments of heartbreak. No more negativity.

I guess this is the end to my infinite search for love and the beginning to living life as it happens. Who knows what will happen? I could find my true love tomorrow – next week – next year. I’ll never know. But I just got to wait. And while I wait, I’ll make sure to live life to the fullest.

AN: The end…?

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 14 END (Witney) - Grinder

AN: Welp, this is the last chapter y'all. After this I’m going to really think about what I want to do with this story as I want to publish it. But when/if it is published, it’ll probably be a completely different story line. Who knows. Anyway, I hope you all enjoy the last update. Peace out.

~ Grinder

One year later

Alaska and I sit on the comfy white chairs at the end of the row in order to get a good view of the aisle. Well, I don’t even know if you could call it an aisle.

“You know how this is a beach? Would this even count as an aisle?” I propose (no pun intended) to Alaska who is fanning herself with her wedding invitation.

“Of course…” she drawls. “I mean…is that an alter?” She asks pointing to the stand ahead of us where Willam’s soon to be husband, Bruce, stood nervously along with some grooms men. “Are these wedding theme flower decorations?” She continues, leaning over me to play with one of the white petals of the flowers attached to my chair.

“I know but…there’s no carpet or anything. Just sand.” I observe, briefly slipping my foot out of my shoe to feel the sand between my toes.

“Well it’s better than sitting inside a stone cold church.” Alaska shrugs. “But I suppose the heat isn’t any better.”

“You can say that again.” I reply rolling my eyes. I take the wedding invite from her and fan myself to which she snatches it back. The heat is quite humid but it did make me happy that Willam would have her special day on a sunny afternoon.

“I’ll let you have the fan if you let me have the outer seat.” She drawls, lowering her sunglasses at me.

“My camera is the best therefore I need the better view. God, Alaska.”

“God, Courtney.” Alaska rebukes.

I look around at the other guests, anxiously awaiting for the Bride-to-be to arrive, when I see Dela approach.

“Hi, girls. You both look lovely.” She compliments.

“Thanks. I thought it was too casual. I couldn’t upstage Willam on her special day.” I smirk, smoothing down my pastel pink dress.

“I wanted a black dress but Courtney and Adore wouldn’t let me. Apparently black only works for funerals.” Alaska replies. I admire her floor length teal dress. Man, even if she did get the black equivilant she’d be winning any funeral. Is that bad to say?

“Speaking of Adore, I haven’t seen her.” Dela says, her eyebrows coming together as confusion takes over.

“Well, she couldn’t come.” I reply as my face drops. “She got her own gig for the Pride celebrations.”

Dela’s eyes widen. “Well, I suppose thats sort of a plus.”

“Yeah, I mean she’s not performing in the parade or anything but a bar in town was interested in having her.” I smile.

“Guess it’s hard not having your other half with you considering you’re both glued at the hip.” Dela teases.

“You sure the heat isn’t just wildrawel symptoms hitting?” Alaska joins in.

“I feel very attacked right now.” I joke.

People around us begin to mutter with excitement and I distinctly make out, “she’s here!”

“Better get back to my seat. Bye, you two.” Dela waves quickly scooting back to her chair.

I turn to look down the aisle, waiting in anticipation.

“Courtney, try not to give birth, ok?” Alaska whispers.

“Shut up.” I whisper smirking at her.

I snap some pictures as the bridesmaid, Rhea, walks up the aisle in her purple satin dress, followed by another girl. They look so elegant and beautiful as they pass us by. When Rhea reaches the alter she beams a smile to Bruce. He nods to her and the other bridesmaid as they pass him.

My head whips around to the beginning of the aisle. And there she is. Willam slowly making her way to the alter, along with her Father who looks a tad emotional. She looks stunning in her dress. It comes to her midcalf and has a lacy pattern with a off shoulder look. And to add to the beach theme she doesn’t even have shoes. Just an anclet. Everyone is just so captivated by her image as she glides by.

I don’t even feel the need to take a picture. This is one of those moments you can’t help but sit and watch.

Upon reaching the alter, she takes Bruce’s hand giving him an adorable smile before casting one more glance at us guests. And I swear when she makes eye contact with me it’s as if she’s trying to say today is finally the day. Like she’s so excited. I just smile back to say I’m excited for her too.

The ceremony commences and not even a pin drop is heard. Willam and Bruce look around to eachother occasionally, whispering small comments. I just know that they were meant to eachother. I’m kind of glad she chose Bruce over me now.

Wait. Where did that come from? I haven’t thought about that in a year. Like, I legit kind of forgot it happened. Not that me and Willam were a shit couple. I had so much fun when I was with her and even learned to live life to the fullest. But I’ve genuinely pushed the memories to the back of my brain to focus on the present. I suppose saying she chose Bruce over me is kind of an arrogant way to say it. So, scratch that. I’m glad that they are here on this day celebrating eachothers love.

Soon Willam and Bruce exchange their vows and rings looking to each other lovingly. The minister declares they are now married and they kiss. Everyone claps at the exchange.

I hear a quiet sobbing from the row opposite from where I sit. It’s Alyssa, quietly sobbing and dabbing at her eyes. Trails of mascara are running down her cheeks but shes more concerned about being silent than the state of her face. Tatianna puts her arm around her shoulder and tries to help wipe the tears away.

“I wonder how she would be on her own wedding day.” I comment looking around to Alaska. Oh no, she’s crying too.

She sniffs, using an index finger to dab at her eyes. “I’m crying.”

“Would never have guessed.” I reply, grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

As the clapping subsides, I look back to Willam and Bruce who now hug. I feel like I’m watching a romantic scene from a soppy love story but can’t help but feel my own eyes being to fill up.

“Bitch, join the club.” Alaska comments, taking tissues from her bag, one for her and one for me.

“Don’t even.” I say, as I dab my eyes with the soft material.

-_-_-_-

“You thirsty bitches ready??” Willam shouts as a group of women emerges in front of the chair she’s standing on. She turns, counts down from 3 and tosses her bouqet behind her.

The group dashes for the flowers desperately trying to snatch them. But in the end only one would be the holder. But in this case, it ended with two.

“What are you doing, girl. I caught that bouquet!” Alyssa tries to grab the bouqet from Tatianna.

“No. I did. You’re just a sore loser.” Tatianna holds the flowers up high away from Alyssa’s reach.

“Just give them to me!” Alyssa whines.

“You idiot. No matter who has it we’re gonna get married anyway.”

Alyssa stops jumping around and her lip quivers. “You really want to? Oh my Gosh.”

And she’s off. Tati hugs her as she begins to cry again.

“Christ, get a room.” Willam cackles still on top of the chair. “Courtney, help me down?”

I approach the chair and offer my hand to help the lovely Bride from her throne. “I must warn you I’m slightly drunk. Only slightly.”

Willam climbs down from the chair carefully. “Thanks. I plan to get drunk pretty soon. I’ve made my appearance. Said my hellos. Now is time to really party.”

“Made an appearance? It’s your day.” I say as my brows knit together.

“Yeah, but I can’t just show up to my own Wedding ready for the party. Maybe someone elses Wedding. Like that’s if they know the kind of person I am when I’m drunk which is a mess.” Willam laughs, running her hands down her dress to smooth the fabric.

“Well I hope the rest of your night is just as great as it has been so far.” I reply looking around at the scenery. The reception area, which is really a sort of canopy but bigger, is really nice. Fairy lights and bobbles serve as lighting giving the place a mellow vibe. The tables we had all previously used were now pushed to the side to make room for a dance floor. Most people are already up dancing.

A waiter passes by with a tray of cocktails. Willam takes two and offers one to me.

“What is it?” I ask.

“Mimosas. They’re pretty good.” Willam replies, chugging the cocktail. I copy her move not expecting the high taste of sweet citrus. My face scrunches up as I swallow.

“God, it’s a cocktail not a shot.” She chuckles.

“Says the one who knocked it back like it was a shot.” I dig back.

“I want it to hit faster.” Willam replies just as the music changes from energetic to slow. “Come on, bitch, lets go dance.”

“Um…shouldn’t you be dancing with your husband?”

“We already had our first dance. Nows time for my friends.”

Willam takes my hand and drags me to the dance floor. She looks to me as I stand there awkwardly not knowing what to do. Willam wraps one arm around me planting her hand firmly on my back. Her free hand takes mine. I awkwardly place my hand on her shoulder. We rock side to side to the rhythm of the music. I occasionally glance down to my feet to make sure I’m doing the right moves. I can dance. It’s just right now it feels weird. Why is this so awkward?

“God, Courtney, I didn’t know you were such a stiff dancer.” Willam says stifling a laugh.

“I can dance. It’s just…I don’t know…” I stumble upon my words and maybe soon my feet.

“What’s wrong?” She presses her concern.

“I…” How I do I word this without making it sound so awkward. “I don’t know what other way to say it but…I don’t want people to think we’re getting close again. Especially Bruce.”

“Ohh!” Willam looks away to her husband who’s dancing with his drunk Mom. “He’s fine. He knows we’re good friends now. And if anyone else starts assuming shit I’ll make it clear that our friendship is just a pretty close one.”

“OK.” I laugh.

“Well, maybe not super close considering you and Adore are with each other nearly everyday. My brother actually thought you two were dating and was asking where she was.”

I blush at the thought of the idea. “Not to mention the fact I was her Valentine this year.” I pause to laugh. “Sorry she couldn’t be here. She has a gig.”

“Oh, I know. She told me. She offered to cancel and show up tonight instead. But I told her to keep the gig. I mean, it’s her dream to be famous.” Willam sighs. “Adore Delano…soon to be international super star.”

“Glad we can both agree on that. She’s got big things coming her way.”

“The dirty whore.” Willam jokes.

“Not in that way, you slag. Get your mind out of the gutter.” I laugh.

“You know me.” Willam smirks. “Hows the dog by the way?”

“Bailey? He’s fine. He’s not so small anymore. He’s grown quite a bit since you last came around. He makes Alyssa nervous ‘cause he likes to jump up on people a lot. And she was the one who gave him to me.” I laugh.

“Poor Alyssa. Give her some weed. She’ll be totally relaxed and then they can be friends again.” Willam suggests.

“I can’t imagine Alyssa stoned. But that will be the day.” I reply. “One day Adore was just so out of it she just lay on the floor talking about the weirdest shit while Bailey just whined at her. It was like he was begging for attention.”

“Aw…sounds cute.” Willam exclaimed. “Sounds like my future to be honest. Did I mention I’m thinking of getting a dog?”

“Oh that’s cool. What kind?”

“Bruce has totally left the descision up to me. I love him so much.” Willam glanced over again at Bruce with loving eyes. “I was thinking of a St Bernard. Haven’t thought of a name yet. Maybe…Warner.”

“I like the sound of that actually.” I respond.

“OK, then Warner it is.” Willam smiles at the thought. “Christ, I told you all you needed was to relax. You’re dancing fine now.”

“I know.” I reply bashfully. “Anyway, I hope you’re really enjoying your day.”

“Oh, I am. It feels correct. And I bagged me a really good man.” Willam smiles.

“I’m glad.” I beam back. “I’m happy for you, Willam.”

“Ugh, don’t get soppy.”

“Shut up. It’s a wedding. Everyone gets soppy. I mean just look at Katya and Trixie.”

We look around to the pair who are slow dancing also. Trixie is already drunk and Katya’s there taking care of her. They’re both lip syncing the words of the song to each other in a rather dramatic way. Their eyes never leave eachothers which looks more like the world’s most intense staring contest. It’s quite funny actually. My eyes shift to Alyssa and Tatianna also dancing. The pair occasionally make quiet comments and giggle. Then I see Alaska, Detox and Roxxxy in a three way side step sort of thing. Then Raven and Raja. Jaremi and his boyfriend, Mikhael. And it’s not even just couples. Bruce is there dancing with his Mother. Jay with DJ. Even Bianca is dancing with Bruce’s niece.

“You’re right. Everyone’s getting soppy. This is one real ass Wedding.” Willam says looking back to me. “Congrats to me for having the best Wedding ever.”

“Yeah.” I look back to her as the music changes back to an up beat 80’s song. “You deserve it.”

-_-_-_-

The next day I’m back at Tune 105. Some of the team took the day off due to the huge hangovers the night before had brought on. But not me. I’m committed to what I do. But my head is still pounding.

I’m already finished my news script and have a two hour wait before it’s read. I retreat to the broadcasting room. No one is currently presenting so there’s a free session of music for a while. I look through the library to choose what to line up next. I’m feeling very 80’s today. Yeah, that’ll do.

I line up a song when Adore enters the room. “Hey, bitch. How’s your head?”

“Never had any complaints.” I reply. She’s silent for a while before she actually gets the joke and cackles. I look to her and laugh briefly before looking back to the screen. “But yeah, I’m suffering. I’d rather be in bed right now. But someone has to do the news script.”

“Yeah, but Agnes and Alex aren’t supposed to be here for another two hours.” Adore notes.

“I know. But I like having free time. I can just jam out in here for a while.” I reply looking through the rest of the music library. The song I had picked began to play and Cyndi Lauper’s vocals filled the room.

“You’re so on board with your job. I haven’t even figured out my story for the noon news show yet.” Adore groaned sitting on one of the guest chairs and kicking her feet up on the desk.

“Just like every other day?” I dig.

“Leave me alone, Mom. I just like goofing around with the others before getting stuck into it. Man it’s so funny watching Alyssa get pissed. She’s like ‘How y'all gonna be professional when y'all just gawking at stupid videos online? Yehaw!‘” Adore speaks in a highly stereotypical Texan accent.

“Since when does Alyssa say 'yehaw’?” My brows knit together as I squint my eyes at her. I can’t help but laugh though.

“You know what I mean. When she’s working she’s so on board with it. I swear Tatianna has made her a more serious person. I’m glad she’s still good old Alyssa when she’s out of the station though.” Adore says, picking at her chipped nails.

“Yeah. You missed the fight she had over the bouquet last night. And by the end of the night she was on the stage trying to sing along with the ballads and kept doing those sharp dance moves she does.” I laughed recalling the memories.

“Shit. No way! Fuck I’m jelly I missed the fun now. What else happened?” Adore asks highly intrigued.

“Well I cried when Willam and Bruce kissed. It was really cute I couldn’t help it. And I danced with her for a bit. Then everyone got drunk and I think I gave a lecture on why Vegemite is the best thing ever made.” I say rolling my eyes. “Oh, and I showed practically everyone photos of you and I and talked about how amazing our friendship is. And some pictures of Bailey too.”

“God, I’m so pissed I missed it now. I really wanted a slow dance. All I do is slut drop and fall on my ass. I wanted to try something new.” Adore whines again.

“Well, there will be other weddings.” I suggest. “Looks like Alyssa and Tati are going to be next. Well, most likely.”

“But I can’t wait that long.” Adore groans. She’s silent for a few seconds before standing up. She walks over to where I’m sitting. I spin my chair so I’m facing her and she extends a hand to me.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“Offering you drugs, kid.” She smirks. “I’m kidding. Let’s dance and jam out.”

“Now?”

“Fuck yeah, right now.”

I shrug as if to say fuck it. I take her hand and stand. She fulls me away from the desk to a more open space of the room. Adore kisses my hand and puts on a creepy face.

“Haw haw haw, mademoiselle. You’re hand is so soft and smooth, but upon my lips touching the skin it feels like escargot.” Adore speaks in a low terrible French accent.

“That’s the most offensive and appalling French accent I’ve ever heard.” I laugh.

Adore pulls me close to her looping her arms around my waist. “Shut up. You loved it.”

My hands plant firmly on her shoulders as we sway side to side. “No, it was awful. Ask Katya to give you lessons. She’s fluent in French.”

“Honestly, do you think we’d get anything done if she gave me lessons in French?” Adore raised an eyebrow.

“OK, maybe not. Alyssa would be super pissed then.“

“And Dela. And Bianca.” Adore’s eyes widen. “Oh God, Bianca would murder us. She’d probably fire all our asses. She’s one scary bitch.”

“Yeah she can be a little bit sharp at times but last night she was fun to be around. She was cracking all these jokes and making people laugh. Honestly, anyone who didn’t know her was convinced she was a hired comedian.”

“Oh I’ve heard a few of her jokes from the staff does. Haven’t you seen her impersonations of me when she’s drunk? Like she never does it for anyone else. Just me.”

“Maybe. I don’t know.”

“Maybe I just have a strong personality.”

“I guess you could say that. You definitely do leave an impression on people.” I say. “Not a bad one. I mean like, it kind of creates a good vibe, you know?”

“Really? Doesn’t sound like me. I feel like I annoy people more than anything.”

“No, really. Adore, you just have this upbeat personality and it always makes me smile. Why do you think we’ve become so close? I just really love hanging out with you. It’s honestly like you see life as this one big adventure and always see the fun in everything and who doesn’t want to live like that? I wanna say 'fuck you’ to the world and have a great time. And you’re the perfect person to do it all with.”

Adore’s silent for a while taking in everything I’ve just said. “Wow. You should write a book about how amazing I am, man.” She pauses to laugh. “But yeah, thanks for that lovely boost to my ego. You’re OK, too.”

“Just OK? Really?”

“Yeah, you gotta live another 2 years on the edge to get to where I’m at and then maybe you’ll be as cool as me.” Adore teases.

“You’re such a bitch.” I tease, lightly slapping her cheek to which she acts highly offended.

“Save the slapping for the bedroom, honey.” She responds, raising her eyebrows in false disbelief.

I blush at the comment and just shake my head.

And then Cyndi Lauper fades out to play something a bit more upbeat.

“Is this Ain’t no Mountain high enough?? I fucking love this song!” Adore pulls out of our dance covering her mouth with her hands. She squeals with excitement and jumps up and down on the spot for a bit.

“God, I haven’t seen you this excited since Bailey’s first bath time.” I comment.

“Oh, man. This song just makes me feel so good, you know?” Adore speaks as she settles down. She closes her eyes and begins to sway on the spot. “Jay and I sometimes listen to this when we smoke.”

“Of course you do.” I tease. I take a seat in front of the system again but keep watching Adore.

“Such a feel good song, man. If my life was a movie, this would be the credits song.” She speaks smoothly.

“Very cliché. You’re a cinematic genius.” I say sarcastically.

“No room for cliché’s in my life, man. Only the spontaneous welcome.” She remarks as she begins stepping side to side.

My eyes stay on her as she begins to lift her arms and practically float around on the spot. She quietly sings along to the song as it continues to play.

“Don’t judge me.” She pauses to say.

“I’m not.” I reply. Because truly I’m not. I’m enjoying just watching her dance along to the music. It’s relaxing and makes me feel tingles. For someone with so much high energy, she moves so gracefully and it’s hard to take your eyes away. And not to mention how stunning she is. Right now everything about her is just so captivating and it’s making my heart beat faster.

Wait. My heart is really pounding right now. Like, really pounding. But I can’t take my eyes away from Adore. And the smile doesn’t leave my face.

…And now it’s hit me.

It’s her. Adore. She’s the one for me. The person I am so crazily in love with is standing right in front of me and has been for a long time now. It’s literally just hit me now. Every time I’m with her I feel so alive. When she makes those flirty comments I laugh as if it’s some dumb joke but inside I’m really melting. When people joke about how close we are, I turn red because I know deep down that it’s because I really do love her. And I couldn’t be happier now that I’ve realised it and look forward to see where this goes.

I guess love has been around me for some time now and I’ve been too blind to see it. But knowing now gives me the warmest feeling, knowing who I truly love.

It’s always been Adore.

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 12 (Witney) - Grinder

A.N: Two updates in one day? I know. Forgive me! Other than that, enjoy!

“Next week is a no-no for me. I’m set to perform at 6.00 everyday. You know? When the news is read? Totally clashes.” Adore informs Dela, who is sitting on the table, of her office slash staff room, frowning at the news. “It’s only for a week though. Don’t be sad.”

Dela’s face brightens up upon hearing this. “Oh! I thought we were losing you forever, Adore. You know I hate to see my girls go.”

“No, you’re stuck with me, bitch.” Adore laughs.

I turn my back from the kettle which is slowly brewing. “Same goes for me. Only I’m bartending everyday from 1 to 11 at night. So I guess you’re going to have to find a new script writer for the time being.”

“Well, that can be easily arranged.” Dela replies, pulling her phone out and tapping around on the screen. “I had two gentlemen come see me today about joining the team. Alexander Steinberg and Kevin Moore. Sound familiar?”

We both shake our heads.

“Well, I was going to have them working with Katya and Trixie for the daily news programmes but I guess we could start them off in your positions so they’re not automatically thrown into such a difficult task on their first day. ” Dela explains, tucking her phone into her apron pocket. “Only temporarily though. Just so they can find their feet and get to know the team a bit better.”

“That’s cool.” Adore says, joining me at the kettle area and taking a mug from the cupboard. It says ‘No life without wife’ which makes me giggle.

“Or maybe…” Dela begins, sounding as if she’s had an epiphany. “…My original plan was to have one do the news writing and the other reading the news one day and then switching it up each day. But, I could just have them both read the script. If they want to be reporters they’re going to have to get used to talking on air.”

“Yeah, but where will you or Alyssa go?” Adore asks plopping a tea bag in her cup. “One of the newbies gotta replace someone right?”

Dela’s silent for a few seconds, her tongue clicking before saying a word. “Actually, Alyssa quit this morning.”

I drop the tea spoon quickly spinning around to face her now. “Wait…what?”

“She didn’t come into the bakery this morning so I called her. I thought she was sick or something and you both know how I worry about you all. She just straight up quit.”

I give Adore a side glance before hesitantly asking, “Did she say why?”

“No. Nothing. But she did sound drained. I was planning on visiting her this evening to see what’s wrong.” Dela shrugged. “She was great on air. I don’t want to lose one of my best.”

My stomach tightens as my fingers comb through my hair, tightening at my scalp.

“Fuck,” is all I can say.

“I know. I had good news for her too. I was going to let her take over the local affairs show. I feel I should be present in the bakery more often so she was going to be the main presenter.” Dela shook her head. “I don’t know what could have caused this.”

Adore and Dela continue to discuss the matter as I turn my attention back to my tea. A lump forms in my throat thinking of Alyssa. This is obviously due to me. What else could it be? It’s just too much of a coincidence to not be my fault.

“I need to fix this.” I blurt out.

Adore and Dela’s eyes are fixed on me now. I sit on the counter top, taking the warm mug in my hands. I stare at the tea in silence for a few seconds nervously tapping on the ceramic.

“I’m going to go talk to her.” I state. “Right after I finish the news script.”

I look up and see Dela looks somewhat confused but doesn’t press the matter. “Are you sure?”

“Yeah,” I reply. “She can’t quit. She is one of the best after all.”

“Yeah, she’s like,” Adore pauses as she thinks, “someone people would know. Like, when I’m gigging people ask if I personally know other presenters and almost every time it happens, they mention her. She’s made an impact on this station, man.”

“Exactly.” I nod my head, sipping the tea.

“Well, I could write the news script today and you can go speak to her now, if you want.” Dela suggests.

I bite my top lip with my bottom teeth as my stomach flips at the thought. “I don’t know.”

“I’ll drive you.” Adore states, trying to make the situation less scary.

I just look at her with pleading eyes. She puts a hand on mine and gives a reassuring smile. “It’ll be fine. Trust me.”

“Well, I’m going to get back to baking.” Dela states as if she feels awkward. “I hope it goes well. And, Courtney, if you can’t get her to come back, then just let her be. She might come back in her own time.”

-_-_-_-

When we pull up outside the huge house, I feel my breathing waver. I just look at the house beyond the gate thinking of things to say.

“Don’t worry, girl. If it goes well, then thank fuck. If she says no, then there isn’t much else we can do.” Adore says, petting Bailey who we decided to pick up on the way to make me less nervous.

“OK.” I sigh, getting out of the car.

I walk around the vehicle to the gate pressing the buzzer on the voice box. It rings for a few seconds before I hear a quiet voice say, “Who is it?”

“It’s me, Alyssa. Can you let me in, please?” I reply.

There’s a moment of silence before her voice is heard again.

“Go…away.”

I look around to Adore for suggestions on what to do next. She just shrugs. I sigh, turning back to the box. “OK.”

I take a few steps back from the box feeling defeated. I turn back to the car. Adore looks disappointed, understandably. The feeling of guilt continues to bubble in my stomach.

No. This can’t go on.

I turn back to the voice box, clicking the buzzer again. Once the connection is made, Alyssa doesn’t even get a chance to speak.

“Alyssa, just let me in. I want to make this right.” I state with a serious tone.

There’s another pregnant pause. I roll my eyes waiting for a reply. To my luck, the gate makes a clicking sound as it slowly opens. I sigh with relief, turning to smile at Adore.

“You got this, girl.” She beams.

I nervously pet Bailey as I make my way through the gate, thinking of how I should handle the situation. This isn’t just about bringing her back to her job. It’s about fixing our friendship. Something that I ruined. This is my responsibility.

Before I can ring the bell, Alyssa opens the door and leans on the frame. I’m distracted by her blotchy red face and puffy bloodshot eyes, leaving me silent. She crosses her arms across her chest.

“Um…can I come in?” I squeak.

Alyssa is silent for a few seconds before extending a hand to her lobby inviting me in. I hesitantly take a few steps into the house as she closes the door behind me. I quickly turn to face her as if I’m worried in case she attacks me with an axe.

“Listen I don’t want to sound abrupt but you can’t leave the station, Alyssa.” I urge as she makes her way into the lounge to which I follow.

I take a seat on an arm chair while she curls up on the couch wrapping herself in a blanket. Alyssa sighs heavily. “It’s too late. I already told Dela.”

“I know. She told us.” I reply matter of factly. “Why?”

“Why what, Courtney?”

“Why are you leaving Tune?”

Alyssa looks at me with disbelief. “Because I just can’t bring myself to be around you.”

“At all?”

“At all.” She replies firmly. “Courtney, you know me. I’m not one to be open about relationships. But we acted like some teenage couple at school. Showing off in front of everyone. Acting like we were untouchable. I thought we were a genuine couple. So I said ‘Fuck it, Alyssa. Just let go and live for once.’ And then I find that it was all fake. I feel ridiculed Courtney. I don’t even want to know what the team think of me now. Do you understand me?”

“Actually, yes, I do understand. Alyssa, the same thing happened to me. And that’s why I used you. I never told you because at the time I didn’t realise it.” I explain. “I know that crushing feeling. The thought of giving something your all for it to actually be not enough…and it is awful. How you’re feeling right now is how I felt that day in the car. I know the exact feeling, Alyssa.”

She’s silent for a while just observing me.

“I just hate the fact I’ve gone and hurt someone innocent for my own selfish reason. And trust me. It doesn’t feel any better than heartbreak.” I state, looking to Bailey as my eyes fill up with salty tears. “Hearing that you quit was enough. I need to make this better and stop running from the situation.”

I look up, my teary eyes meeting hers. She still has a stern expression on her face.

“I accept that I messed up majorly. I know I’m a horrible person and don’t even deserve forgiveness. But I really don’t want you to quit the station, Alyssa. You’re one of the best. Yeah, maybe you don’t have the best ideas,” I pause to smile and shake my head. She actually stifles a laugh at this, “but you’re so charismatic and it makes working there even better.”

Alyssa looks to her hands and plays with one of the pink nails. “You all really love my buffoonery. I know that. I’m not gonna lie I am terrible with ideas. But I guess I do bring charm to the place. Not that everyone else is boring. I just…bring that little bit extra. Right?”

“Exactly.” I give her a small smile before looking at her seriously again. “Please don’t leave, Alyssa.”

Her blue eyes meet mine, kicking her legs off the couch. She leans forward with her head in her hands as her elbows plant on her knees. “Alright. You’re right. Lord knows it wouldn’t be the same without me.”

I smile feeling the relief wash over me. She stands up and walks over to me extending her arms out. “C'mere.”

I put Bailey on the floor before standing up and accepting the embrace.

“Thank you for coming.” Alyssa’s voice sounds in my ear.

“I guess…we’re good?” I ask awkwardly.

“I guess we are.” I can hear her smile. She pulls away but keeps her arms around me for an extra second. Lowering her arms and stepping back, her eyes go to Bailey. “I can’t believe you kept him. I had a dream and you gave him away. I thought you were crazy to do such a thing.”

She’s on her knees playing with him now. It’s actually quite cute to watch as she cuddles him and he licks her face.

“To be honest, he’d most likely run away than be given up by me. He doesn’t really like me.” I roll my eyes but stifle a laugh.

“Has he got a name?” Alyssa looks up to me as I sit back down on the arm chair.

“We agreed on Bailey.”

“Oh, in my dream his name was Squirpy. Very me, I know.” She laughs. “You and your room mate named him?”

“No, Alaska only met him today.” I explain. “It was Adore who actually thought of it. I thought it was pretty. So we agreed. He loves Adore to bits and pieces too.”

“We all have a favourite parent.” Alyssa smirks before cackling.

“Shut up.” I laugh. “Probably 'cause she was the first to feed him.”

“He’ll brighten up, Miss thing. Dogs are smart. They’re men’s brothers after all.”

“Man’s best friend.” I correct her.

Alyssa throws a hand up and smirks upon learning her mistake. All of the familiar Alyssa traits come together so fast. I feel totally at ease.

One last A.N: Interesting story. Or maybe only to me. The station in this story is based on a radio station I used to work at and absolutely loved. Upon choosing Sasha and Peppermint as the new employees, I was shocked to find Pepper’s real name is Kevin Moore. There was a guy who worked at the station also called Kevin Moore. I just find it kinda coincidental.

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 11 (Witney) - Grinder

A.N: I hope you guys enjoy this update! Don’t forget to leave a like, reblog or comment. It does go a long way. Enjoy!

I went home and cried in the dark living room for what seemed like hours, taking intervals to listen to sad music and cuddle the puppy. And I don’t mean pretty crying. I was full on sobbing, making gross choking sounds as loud as I could. I had hoped that Alaska would’ve heard me and came running to my side, providing me comfort in my time of guilt-riddled misery. But I guess she was out as she hadn’t come to me at all. This only made me feel even worse realising how alone I was.

The puppy seemed awkward around me. Usually in movies when the titular character is crying, their dog comes running to their side trying to cheer their loving owner up. But in my movie ‘Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love’ (or ‘Courtney’s bad life choices’ or 'The Selfish Act of Courtney’), it doesn’t include the scene in which the dog helps. I suppose it’s because he doesn’t know me. Or maybe he felt Alyssa’s pain.

I lay on the couch, staring at the ceiling with blurred vision, whimpering and holding the poor puppy tightly to my form. My head is pounding and my eyes sting in their now red form. I rub at them wearily, feeling more drained than I have ever been. I know I said that before. But this is rock bottom. I’ve fucked up. I’ve messed with an innocent persons head. Someone who deserves far better.

A vibrating in my pocket grabs my attention. I loosen my hold on the puppy and pull my phone from my pocket. It’s Adore.

'Hey, man! How did it go with Alyssa? x’

As I read the last word of the text I let another gross sob sound arise from my throat and out through my mouth. It’s so loud it startles the poor dog. I briefly pet him to let him calm before clicking on Adore’s number and holding the phone to my ear. After a brief set of dial up tones, I hear rustling followed by her voice.

“Howdy. I guess you saw the text!” Adore exclaims cheerfully, too cheerful.

“Ummm…Adore. I really want you to come over.” I whimper.

“Holy shit. You sound like shit. What happened? What’s wrong?” Adore questions in a concerned manner.

“I just…I just…don’t want to be alone right now.” I sob.

“'Kay. I’ll come as fast as I can.” Adore states. “I’m leaving now. While you wait, get yourself some chocolate or something to cuddle or listen to sad music. I’ll be there soon.”

-_-_-_-

As soon as Adore had walked in I flung my arms around her, sobbing into her shoulder. As if everything’s already been said. I try to speak, but can’t find words. She rubs up and down my back, speaking to me softly.

“Hey, it’s OK, girl. You’re OK.” She soothes pulling away and holding my hands. She guides me to my sofa, gently pushing on my shoulders to sit. She quickly gives the puppy a weird look before picking him up and placing him on my lap. “Gimme a second and I’ll be back.”

Adore makes her way to the kitchen area leaving me oblivious to what she is doing with my back to her. I hear the tap going. Then silence. Then the kettle flicking on. Something tearing (maybe a tissue). And she’s back in front of me.

“Here.” She kneels in front of me, dabbing at my face with what was indeed a tissue.

“Thank you, Adore.” I say with a cracked throat.

She gives me a smile as she sits next to me on the sofa now.

“So, I’m assuming it didn’t turn out how you expected?” Adore asks, petting the puppy.

“No. It didn’t. She seems really torn up.” I reply, trying my hardest not to sob again. “Hearing her cry was awful. I just feel awful. I made someone cry today. I’ve never made someone cry.”

“Actually, remember that time we were drunk and you told me how I was your best friend and I got all emotional?” Adore smiled slightly. “Sorry. Time and place. But yeah, I understand. Making someone cry always feels like shit.”

“I just…feel like my whole life I’ve been wasting time, trying to find true love. And it’s made me into this awful person. I should just…give up…and just go back to hooking with people I meet at bars.” I say, sighing heavily.

“OK, that won’t help anything.” Adore said shaking her head.

“Oh, what’s the point? Everything was fine before Willam and I started our thing. I had no worries, no guilts and no troubles.”

“Girl, listen to me. Life isn’t easy. Do you think if it were it would be as fun? Life is like that one question you get in a test that you can’t figure out. You just feel like you can’t solve it. But you don’t leave it blank. You think about it. You think about what you can do in order to get the answer. You try and figure out different ways to solve it in order to achieve a better outcome. What I’m basically saying is life is all about solving problems. You can’t just leave them and give up. Courtney, do you remember what I told you months ago?” Adore gently takes my hand in hers.

“I don’t know.” I shrug. “What did you tell me?”

“There are plenty of fish in sea. As cheesy and cliché as that sounds it’s true. Not everyone is a heartbreaker like Willam. There are good people out there who want to feel love as much as you do. You just gotta go find them. Or let them find you.”

I nod taking in her words. “I know. But I hate waiting for it to happen.”

“Well tough luck, girl.” Adore shrugs her shoulders. “It could take a day – a week – month – year – decade- -”

“That sounds promising.” I reply sarcastically.

“I know, right?” Adore drawls, her eyes widening as she stresses how irritating her last statement was. “But when it does happen, trust me. It’ll feel so good and you’ll regret ever planning to give up on love. And you’ll forget about what happened with Willam and Alyssa.”

“Really?” I say hopefully.

“Yeah. And I know you, Courtney. You’re not a quitter, never have been a quitter and never will be a quitter.” She says, stroking her thumb over my hand.

“Thanks.” I lean into her embrace as she opens her arms, gesturing for a hug.Her fingers trail up and down my arm in a comforting manner allowing me to relax.

“So, I hate to change the subject but I never knew you had a dog.” Adore states.

I pull away, wiping at my eyes once more. “Believe it or not, Alyssa gave him to me. Right before I told her the truth.”

“Oh…well. That’s kinda awkward.” She replies, one corner of her mouth drawing to the side. “What did you call him?”

“I haven’t. All I’ve done since leaving Alyssa’s place is cry and feel sorry for myself.” I reply, shaking my head.

“Not even a cute little baby like him could cheer you up?” Adore smiled down to the puppy, talking as if she was a child. “Actually that makes me feel 10 times better about myself.”

“To be honest I don’t think he likes me. He just keeps getting awkward when I hug him and sometimes he wriggles like he wants to escape.” I shrug.

“Maybe 'cause you’re crying all over him and it’s gross.” Adore smirks.

I stifle a laugh, drying my eyes with my sleeve. “Well, do you want him?”

“I wish I could, but I can’t. The place I’m living at doesn’t allow pets. It kinda sucks. I always wanted either a dog or a cat.”

“Well…I guess I’m going to have to deal with a dog that thinks I’m weird.” I say, shrugging my shoulders.

“He’ll come around. Don’t forget, this is a new experience for him. He’s obviously gonne be sad and afraid of the new situation. But he’ll learn to adapt to all of this. And he’ll be happier in the end.” Adore says, looking away from the puppy to give me a meaningful smile.

“Is that a metaphor for my current situation?”

“It wasn’t intended to be but I guess it is now. Wow, I should do poetry or some shit.” Adore laughs.

Upon learning Alaska wasn’t coming home, Adore agreed to stay over. The rest of our night was spent drinking tea, thinking of a name for the dog (to which we agreed on Bailey) and watching guilty pleasure reality shows. As entertaining as the night was, I thought about what Adore had told me. Not to give up. But not to actively seek a love life; because it will be worth it.

-_-_-_-

The next morning, I had awoken on the sofa, guessing we had fallen asleep during one of the TV shows. Adore was already awake and had made breakfast. She even had the time to briefly run out to get food for Bailey. It’s not even her dog and she’s got her shit more together than I do.

While she waited for me to wake up, she played with the puppy who seemed more open and excited.

After eating, we went shopping for more dog food and supplies before paying a brief visit to the bar Adore performs in for a meeting. After he had called her, Adore insisted Dick wouldn’t mind me being there.

“6.00 every week is kind of a no-no for me, man. I got my shift at the station.” Adore replies, playing with her nails while I just listen.

“Well, it’s either 5 evenings, everyday next week at 6PM, for two hour gigs each or a 3 hour gig on the Friday night.” Dick wagers while petting Bailey who pants as he sits in his lap. God, this dogs charm is infectious.

“Eww, no! From what I’ve seen only teenagers go out on Friday nights. Well the ones who look old enough to go places. And drunk teenagers are messy.” Adore groans, leaning back in her chair and playing with her long black hair. “They throw up everywhere and get into fights. I’ve even watched teenage boys try and climb up on stage with singers, man. It’s too whack for me.”

“I know but…I don’t know how much you know about Indie week but no one comes here. They go down town to Filthies instead 'cause that’s where the talents at. If I have entertainment this year then more people will come. I already have 2 other guys, but not as good as you. You are one of the best performers I’ve met. You’re the perfect match, Adore.” Dick pleads.

“But the teenagers…” Adore groans.

“Please, Adore. It’ll make my life a bit easier. It’s not just entertainment I gotta get. I need to find other staff too. And that’s hard! Wade quit a few days ago to go to college.” Dick says defensively, pointing to the door as if to make a point.

“No way! Wade the bouncer?? He was my homey!” Adore says jabbing a finger into the table. “The betrayal!”

Dick’s eyebrows knit together. “No that’s Jerry. Wade’s the bartender.”

Adore’s mouths an 'oh’ while sighing with relief.

“Well you’d be surprised by how many people who have experience with bartending, Mr. Dick.” I add, stifling a laugh at his name. God, am I 12? “Sorry.”

“It’s OK. Also, it’s just Dick.” He also laughs. “Well, know anyone who’d be interested?”

“Maybe you should join us, Court’.” Adore suggests leaning an elbow on the wooden table and looking directly at me. “You bartended briefly in college, right?”

I don’t even have a chance to answer before Dick’s hand falls on mine. “Yes. I need staff. Please.”

“I don’t know if I can. I also work at the station.” I reply with an apologetic smile.

“Yeah, but you only work there for like 10 minutes a day or something like that.” Adore smirks.

“Courtney, please. You’ll be paid well. And it’s only for a week.” Dick asks again.

“Yeah, Court’.” Adore agrees, her hand falling on my free one. My eyes bolt to her now as she looks at me with puppy dog eyes. “We’ll get to spend more time together and who doesn’t want that?”

I sigh out, thinking of my decision, while Adore just strokes her thumb over the back of my hand.

Maybe I should. It would definitely keep me busier than I usually am at the station considering I only work there for up to 2 hours a day. I wouldn’t have to sit around thinking about Alyssa or Willam. No room for feeling sorry for myself when I have to focus. And besides, it was only for a week. And I would be doing it with a close friend.

“OK, I’ll do it.” I say beaming a smile to Adore and then to Dick.

“Fuck yes!” Adore exclaims, wrapping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me close to her. “We are gonna have the best week, bitch.”

Dick just laughs as I look to him for help while Adore smothers me. But hey, who knew being squeezed to death could feel so nice.

Holy shit, that didn’t sound right.

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 10 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: Sorry for the delayed update. I’ve been going through some difficulties, not gonna lie and life has been so hard lately. But it’ll pass I know. And my writing is such a lovely way to escape from reality. Wow, that was deep.

~Grinder

Have you ever noticed that once something big happens in your life – whether it be a graduation or a death of a loved one or the birth of a child – you begin to take note of the smaller things. And you put so much thought into them.

I took my usual route to work today, which is through a park crowded with people, and I passed more couples than I usually do. But then again; maybe I’ve just never stopped to notice.

But then again, I nearly had another freak out when the computer at the station played Love is all you need by the Beatles.

And not to mention the cupcakes in Dela’s bakery that had heart shaped icing on the top.

I guess it’s safe to say I’m done with love.

OK, I’ll admit that I’m contradicting myself right now as I’m cuddled up with Alyssa in her warm embrace. She’s finished her shift in the bakery and I’m done with the news bulletin script. Now we just wait for an hour before the bulletin is to be read. And no matter how comfy I am, I still feel so done.

“Courtney, can you stop spooning your girlfriend for a few seconds.” Adore asks, popping her head in the door, pulling me from my cuddle session with Alyssa. “I think you’re in trouble with Dela or some shit.”

I feel my stomach do a flip, looking from Adore to Alyssa, who’s ready to fall asleep on the staff room couch. Her eye’s shoot open as I lightly shake her. “I’m being summoned.”

She just nods and closes her eyes again, returning to her nap. And with that I’m following Adore out of the station, making our way downstairs and into the bakery. She leads me to kitchen area where numerous workers are baking all sorts of treats. Dela is test tasting some cookie dough before she sees me.

“Oh, there you are, honey!” She beams a smile which I don’t expect coming from someone who I’m supposedly in trouble with. “Follow me to my office.”

I follow her trail, as does Adore, to her “office” which is really just another staff room. Dela asks the people in there to leave for a moment before she begins on what she has to say.

“So, Adore and I had a look over the script and it was perfect,” she smiles to which I stifle a laugh and thank her, “up until the story about the guy killing his wife and robbing her.”

“Yeah, gur’!” Adore makes an input, pulling a copy of the script from her pocket and unfolding it. “Get this; you wrote ‘Mr Emerson was last seen with his wife at the gun shop before he took her home, rid himself of any emotions for her, shot her down and took not just her money but took every ounce of love he once had for her and shit on it. Absolute asshole. Fuck you, you using whore…'”

Adore actually laughs a bit earning a glare from Dela.

“I’m sorry. I had no idea I wrote that.” I explain. It sounds like bullshit but I swear. I have no recollection.

Dela takes in my statement and nods. “I understand. Courtney, I know you. You’ve worked here for a few years now and I know when you have your good days and your bad days. I have a feeling this ‘outburst’ isn’t about the man.”

A lump forms in my throat.

“I don’t want to intrude, dear, but I feel you should figure out all of this stuff you’ve got going on with Willam.” Dela states to which my eyes widen.

“I don’t know what you’re- -”

“Don’t worry! It’s OK. To be honest, it’s easy to figure out.” She replies pursing her lips. “You rush out of here so fast on Wednesdays. You don’t even speak to her anymore let alone acknowledge her minus the glares you give her.”

I’m froze to the spot and remain in silence as this is all practically thrown at me.

“Yeah, you and Willam obviously got shit going on that you need to work out asap!” Adore explains, taking a seat on the beaten up couch.

“I…I…” I can’t respond. What is there to say? That I was totally wrong for reacting so badly to her lies?

“We want to see the old Courtney back again. What happened to that bright, energetic and charismatic woman that we once knew?” Dela questions.

She had her heart broken in two pieces and then stumped on.

“I’m gonna let Adore take over. After all, I’ve noticed you are both quite close. And I’m just glad that throughout this change you’ve still kept her close.” Dela states, moving towards the door. “I gotta get back to work. Bye, ladies.”

With that I’m left with Adore. I do feel more at ease now. Throughout working here, Adore has always been there for me whenever I’ve had down days. I guess that’s why I always attend her gigs. It’s my way of saying thank you to her.

“OK, man, I’m not gonna beat around the bush. I’m going to be straight up about this;” Adore speaks in a stern tone which startles me. “Your drama is making things awkward for everyone at the station.”

“What? How?” I respond flabbergasted by the statement.

“Haven’t you noticed? Everyone working here used to always hang out. Like that time you and I and Willam and Alyssa got ready to go out together. But now, the idea of having you and Willam or you and Alyssa in the same room makes everyone uncomfortable!” Adore explains. “We all know you and Willam aren’t cool with each other. And how you act with Alyssa, I’m sorry to say, is childish. Last time I saw girls like you and here it was in high school.”

I’m stunned to silence.

“I’m sorry I’m coming across as a bitch but I’m being honest. No one invites you or Willam to anything anymore because it would be rude to invite one and not the other. And you both can’t be in the same room together ‘cause no one wants to feel that level of tension.”

“Wait. At least let me talk.” I interrupt her before she can continue. “Willam did try to sort it out…in a way. And she didn’t go about it the right way.”

“How do you mean?” Adore questions.

“Well, she came here to tell me that she actually just used me as a rebound to get at someone else.” I’m silent for a few seconds as I shake my head. “I was her toy.”

“Why did she tell you that?” Adore’s asks as her eyes widen at my statement.

“I don’t know. To make me even more miserable?” I state in a pitiful tone.

“Stop being so depressing and give me real answers, man.” Adore interjects.

I lick my lips before giving my answer. “OK, so she said that she felt bad knowing she fucked me over…and she apologized.”

“And…did you accept her apology.” She narrows her eyes.

“No.” I scoff.

“Well…why not?”

“Would you??”

Adore takes a few seconds before answering. “Yeah, I would.”

“Well, there are two types of people.” I reply.

“Yeah, people who waste time relying on the past. And adults.” Adore replies with a sharp tone. “You know you’re gonna have to forgive her at some point.”

“No. That’s never gonna happen.” I rebuke, shaking my head.

“Well it better.” Adore says sharply. “Courtney, at least she had the balls to tell you. It takes a lot of courage to admit to something like that. And I’m not gonna lie; I tip my hat to Willam for it.”

“You can’t be serious, Adore.” I scoff.

“I am. Listen, do you really think she’d realise how much she’s fucked you over, bringing her to apologise, if she didn’t give two shits about your feelings? Personally, if I didn’t care about someone I wouldn’t even bother with an apology. I’d basically just flip them off and carry on with my own life. But Willam is clearly trying to make amends here.”

“Amends is off the cards at this stage. Don’t you think sorry isn’t enough in this particular situation?? She broke my heart into tiny pieces and has left me in the most miserable state ever.”

“No, you’ve left yourself in this state.” Adore accuses, pointing her finger at me. Her brows are connected and her jaw is clenched.

“Adore, this is ridiculous.” I rebuke, throwing my hands in the air.

“You’ve left yourself in this state 'cause basically the only person you’re thinking of right now is you. Her apology has gone in one ear and out the other. You’re so focused on your own feelings you haven’t stopped to think about Willam’s. And deep down inside, you know exactly that you’re not exactly the innocent victim that you think you are.”

“How?” I question, creases appearing in my forehead as my frustration grows.

“I’ll give you a clue. If you remove a few letters from her name it becomes 'Ass’.” Adore says in a deadpan tone.

“Adore…what?”

“Alyssa, you dummy! You don’t like her. You’ve never liked her. Just like you never liked Willam. And don’t give me some bullshit like you never realised it until later or opposites attract.” Adore’s face scrunches up as her she raises her tone. “I know you well enough, Courtney. Alyssa has never been your type and she never will be.”

There’s a moment of silence between us as she waits for me to say something. My mouth opens. And then closes again as I can’t bring myself to say anything.

“Court’, trust me. The only one who buys this new relationship is Alyssa. And that’s not fair. You know that.”

I’m silent before I sigh heavily which is followed by a groan. “Fine. You’re right. I don’t like Alyssa at all. I only got myself into this thing with her because that’s what Willam told me to do. We needed to see other people. But now I’m stuck with her.”

“Well, I guess you better take lessons from Willam then.” Adore says, cocking her head to the side.

“Huh?”

“Tell. Her. The. Truth!” Adore says clapping the back of her hand on the palm of the free one. “You gotta be honest with her, Court. I’m sorry to say this but you’re basically doing to her what Willam did to you. She’s your rebound. Just a way to get under Willam’s skin.”

“I know but I can’t tell her. She’ll be heart broken.” I whine, sitting on the staff room table, burying my face in my hands.

Adore gets up from the couch and sits next to me on the table, wrapping her arm around my shoulders. “I know. But listen. Willam probably thought the exact same thing. She probably knew this would have bad consequences. But she gave it a shot. And now it’s your turn to confess and apologise too. If Willam can do it, so can you.”

“And what if she can’t forgive me?”

“She will. Trust me. Maybe not right away. But eventually. 'Cause I know you’ll learn to forget about what happened with Willam. And so will Alyssa.” Adore tried to calm me, trailing her fingers along my arm.

“Adore, I can’t. You don’t understand. I don’t want to hurt her.” I explain.

“Don’t worry. Just sit her down and talk to her. Explain why you did what you did, talk about how it’s made you feel miserable knowing you were feeding off her emotions for the wrong reasons and apologise.” Adore advises. “And also, give her tonnes of compliments. You know Alyssa loves compliments.”

I sigh quietly, thinking about how I could even bring myself to confess to such a thing, especially now that I know the result it brings. “Adore, she’s gonna hate me.”

“She won’t. I promise. And when have I ever broken a promise?” Adore’s voice softens as she smiles and sweeps a lock of hair out of my face.

“That time you promised not to throw up on my shoes when you were drunk and you did it the week after.” I reply, stifling a giggle.

“Shut up, bitch.” Adore replies narrowing her eyes and playfully slapping my arm.

-_-_-_-

“OK, you sit on the couch and I’ll be right back.”

I take a seat on Alyssa’s couch as she leaves the room. Upon telling her we needed to talk she informed me in the car of a “surprise” which was waiting for me back at her home. Now I know my confession isn’t going to go well.

She also noted that this surprise kept her up most of the night giving the reason for her lack of energy at the radio station which made only made me feel even more guilty.

I figit with my hands, anxiously, thinking of how I could start off my confession, thinking of the right words to use, thinking of what to do for whatever reaction I receive. There will be tears. But maybe she’ll forgive me. Maybe not.

“I’m back!” Alyssa annouces in a sing song tone. As she sits on the couch I notice the cardboard box in her hands. “OK, so I noticed you were upset the other day in the car and I know you don’t want to talk about it. But I wanted to get you this to show you that I do care. And I love you.”

My heart sinks at the last statement and my skin turns pale. This is not good. This has gone on too long. This should have stopped weeks ago. Then I wouldn’t have had to hear those words. All my life, that’s all I’ve wanted to hear. Those three short but powerful words. But now I can’t stand it. All I feel is regret.

She opens the box. I don’t even have to lean over to see whats inside as a ball of fluff practically pops up. Alyssa’s beaming a smile at me before she picks up the fluff ball from the box.

“Say hello to your very own puppy!” She exclaims holding up the labrador puppy. She carefully holds it out for me to take. I cautisiously take it into my arms, trying to keep my hands as steady as possible. But how can I when I’m about to break someones heart? “He kept me up all night with his barking and crying and all of that tomfoolery. But I guess he’s all yours now.”

I’m silent as I just watch the puppy get comfy in my arms, nussling his snout in the crook of my elbow. I try so hard not to let tears surface. I have to be strong. I can’t back out of this.

“Sooo…do you like him?” Alyssa asks, her smile waivering a bit.

“Uh, yeah. It’s just…” Just breathe and speak, Court’. “I need to talk to you about something.”

And now I’m feeling the dreaded deja vu, only the roles are switched now. It holds me back from continuing. I need air.

“Well, I’m here and I’m listening. Talk to me, girl.” Alyssa smiles.

There’s a moment of silence before I stand up making my way to the balcony, taking the puppy with me. I telepathically tell Alyssa to follow me which seems to work as I hear her heels clacking behind me.

Once outside, I lean against the barrier, petting the dog to keep me calm. Alyssa leans against the wall looking at me with the same concerned eyes when I had my breakdown in the car. “Courtney, is something wrong?”

I close my eyes as I breathe out heavily through my nostrils. This is it. This is how I lose another friend. Because of my own actions.

I open my eyes again and look to Alyssa. “Well first I just wanna start off by saying that…you mean so much to me. And I really care about you. You’ve been really sweet to me for a while now. Well I guess that is because of us being together. But I really appreciate you.”

Alyssa stifles a laugh as her smile returns. She looks to the ground clearly flattered by my words. Adore was right. Compliments do seem to work.

“You’re such a loving and thoughtful person, Alyssa. You’re beautiful inside and out and you always make those around you smile. You’ve made me feel better during this time.”

Alyssa’s eyes meet mine again beaming a smile at me. And it breaks my hear that it’s not going to last. “You’re too sweet.”

“But, I want to be honest with you.” I say, briefly petting the puppy to relax me. “I’m sorry, Alyssa, but; I don’t love you.”

I watch as her smile falls. The corners falling slowly, just as my knees try not to give way and let me fall.

“And I don’t think I ever loved you. I just…got with you for a selfish and horrible reason. And I feel so bad that it’s led to this. I’m sorry, Alyssa.” I shake my head, speaking with a croaky voice.

She’s just watching me. She’s silent. Her mouth is tighly sealed. She swallows the lump in her throat. Her eyes crack as tears brim the lower lids.

“Alyssa, I know this wasn’t what you wanted to hear. But I hope you can forgive me.” I say taking a step towards her.

She turns her back to me, running a hand through her volumous brown hair. “I can’t…I don’t know…what to say.”

“Well, I was thinking about it and, to be honest, you never really liked me anyway! Not until I kissed you.” I spoke softly. “You were interested in someone else. Remember?”

“Of course I remember.” She abruptly snaps, turning to face me. The tears are glistening in her eyes and trickling down her cheeks. “I remember being interested in someone who I will never have. Someone who doesn’t see me the way I see her. But then you showed me what it was like to feel special. To feel adored and loved. And that felt nice. And I learned to love you…because you were so lovely to me. And now I just…I just don’t know what to think.”

“I know. And I know how this feels, Alyssa. Trust me. I know exactly what it’s like.” With each word, my voice becomes even shakier and now I’m crying too. “But I wouldn’t have confessed to you if I didn’t care. I know I’ve messed up and I want to fix it. I couldn’t just keep playing with your heart. I had to be honest and it’s because I care so much about you. I just want to be your friend. Like how we used to back at the station. Please forgive me, Alyssa.”

Her eyes are cast down as more tears roll down her face. She’s folded her arms close to her chest as if to comfort herself as she trembles.

“Alyssa.” I murmur, balancing the puppy in one arm and using my free hand to try and grab hers.

“Don’t!” Alyssa snaps, pulling away from my hand and shooting her gaze to me. “Listen. Just…go home. I…I can’t even think right now. Just please. Leave me alone.”

I think about putting up a fight to stay. But I’ve already done enough. It’s over.

“Alright.” I murmur. “So…do you want the dog back?”

I ask, gently rocking the puppy in my arms.

“No.” She replies.

I nod my head and avert my eyes to the door way. I don’t want to leave. Part of me says I should stay and take care of her. That I should make up for the shitty thing that I’ve done. Part of me says to leave the puppy, despite what she said. She needs it more than I do.

But I find myself just walking away. And as I walk further from the balconey and from the living room and eventually from the house, I hear her sob louder and louder. Each cry is like a stab in the chest.

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 9 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: Thank you guys for the feedback on the last chapter! I’ve been really struggling with this story recently but the positivity shown for this always motivates me to keep going. After all this is a story I wanna publish (once I change a few names and a few other details) and have had high hopes for.

Before I begin, expect MORE HEARTBREAK. MORE ANGST. I felt so good after writing this one, not gonna lie. Honestly I’d be flattered if I even made a reader cry lol

~Grinder

It’s currently 2.45PM and it’s Wednesday. I have until 6PM before Alyssa, Dela and Adore have to read the news . And Willam’s shift is going to begin soon so I’m trying to finish this news bulletin as fast as I can. I know I should take my time but not today. For the past few weeks I’ve been rushing my job every Wednesday in order to avoid the bane of my existence. I know I shouldn’t but I put my own feelings before being professional. So far it’s working and I don’t have to worry about being stuck in a room alone with Willam.

“Oh hey, Court’.”

My heart stops at the sound of the last voice I want to hear. I slowly look around to see her walk in and move to the studio. The red light of the MIC LIVE sign reflects off her hair as she passes under the doorway.

Once she’s gone I sigh with relief. Only to have it tarnished as the red light flicks off and Willam enters the production room again.

“Goddammit, you’d think someone would learn to turn off the mic when they’re finished with it. I blame Tatianna and Manila.” She pauses her rant as she sits on the chair behind me. I’m facing her now, speechless as I think of what to say. Should I be spiteful? Should I ignore her?

“Do me a favour and ask them next time, please. You know it’s not me being a dick. I’m just following the rules.” She continues.

“I will.” Is all I manage to murmur before turning back to my computer. My stomach is doing so many somersaults right now, I could vomit.

“What’s with the claw marks?” She asks, a hint of concern in her tone. I curse myself for choosing to wear this sheer top while I have Alyssa’s scratch marks on my skin. I could’ve swore they weren’t as bad this morning.

“Alyssa likes to get creative.” I say whilst smirking, hoping it’ll spawn some kind of jealousy in her.

“Wow, what do guys get up do? It’s like you fisted her so hard she’s ripping your skin open.” She rebukes, stifling a laugh.

“How did you know?” I smile to myself.

“Takes a hoe to know a hoe.” She laughs again. I don’t even reply this time. I’m not in the mood for her jokes. “Don’t worry, it’s just a joke. Anyway, it’s been a while since I’ve seen you in here working on that shit. Where have you been?”

I grind my teeth as I sigh fume. “It’s not ‘shit’. And I’ve just been leaving early.”

“Wow. First turning down Sebastian’s dumb song suggestion and now leaving your shift early? You’re a legend, Court’.” Willam comments, chuckling to herself.

I clench my fists as she references one of the many days we had hung out together at work. How we had danced around the cheesy music - messed with listeners – kissed a few times.

“I’m going go.” I say, saving my work as I decide the town library would be a nicer place to work – at least I’ll have more time that way too. I close down the program as Willam realises my frustration. I quickly pack my things and get up to leave.

“Wait. Hang on.” Willam says before I can even get out of the production room. I sigh heavily as I realise I can’t leave. And not just because she’s in my way. But something is telling me to stay.

“OK, so I’m actually early because…I want to talk to you about…us.” Willam’s foolish expression drops to a serious one, urging me to want to stay even more now.

“Us?” I repeat as if the word is a curse. “There is no ‘us’ remember?”

“Shut up. Just sit down and listen. I need to tell you this.” Willam practically commands.

I’m glued to the spot for a few seconds as I just watch her, taking in her expression. There’s a hint of distress there. I go back to the chair and take a seat.

“Go on.” I say.

Willam takes a deep breath before she starts to speak. Whatever this is about, she’s not finding it easy. “I just haven’t really been able to sleep recently knowing that…I’ve done something awful.” She pauses to laugh pitifully. “Isn’t this weird? I don’t usually do this. I’m kinda shocked at myself.” Her face becomes serious. “What I want to say is…what we had was fake. You may have thought we were just two girls in a great relationship. But that’s only because you don’t know the full story.”

She sits down in her chair, sighing once again and looking away. “To me, you weren’t my girlfriend. You were a rebound.”

My brows knit together now as I feel my heart strings slightly tear. “What?”

“I lied to you…the whole time. I was with someone who I thought I was never going to get back together with.” Willam pauses. “We were going through a rough patch, like he was being so standoffish with me and barely paid attention to me like he used to, and I decided to ignore him back. But I also wanted to get under his skin, you know. So that’s where you came into the picture.”

I feel my eyes crack, tears dying to fill them. I bite my lip to stop myself from immediately cursing her as I waited for her to continue.

“Then at some point at the end of July, he got in contact with me and invited me to meet up with him. So I went. And it went well. Very well actually. He said he wasn’t mad at me for cheating which amazed me ‘cause I’d be so freakin’ pissed. And he told me that the reason he was so cold with me…was because he was nervous about giving me this.”

She lifts her left hand flashing the three carat stones on her ring finger. The tears are falling. I’m shaking. Willam approaches me, grabbing my shoulders gently.

“I should’ve broke it off sooner but I didn’t know how until the festival. I just knew it would really hurt you. But the more I pushed it aside the worse it got. Listen, I know this is all so much but I just wanted to tell you the truth because it’s not fair. This is so out of character of me but I’m sorry.” She pauses as I squeeze my eyes shut. “I’m sorry I used you and if I could go back and change things I would. I would have told you the truth sooner. In fact, I probably would stop myself from even fucking you.”

I shake my head the more she speaks. “Why did you tell me anyway? We’re not together anymore. It would’ve been better if- -”

“If I hadn’t? I couldn’t. I’m so restless at night knowing I fucked you over. I just thought you were some slut. But when I got to know you, I saw that you a far more than that, Courtney. You are such an amazing person and I can’t rest knowing I’ve damaged you.”

I dry my eyes before abruptly stepping out of her grasp. “So now you can? Now you’ll be perfectly happy laying in bed with your fucking fiance. But what about me? Don’t you think you’ve done enough?”

Willam is speechless as she takes my words into account. She opens her mouth a few times as if to say something. But nothing comes out.

“I loved you, Willam. To me it wasn’t just a good relationship. It was amazing. You made me feel special. You made me I was worth all of the effort. And I loved that. I loved you.” I sob feeling very pathetic. I can’t even believe this is happening.

“I’m sorry, Court’.” She apologises guiltily.

“So this whole confession was just so you could feel better about yourself. Well I hope you sleep well tonight knowing that I wont.” I step aside and move past her. “Goodbye, Willam.”

I don’t even give her a second look as I leave. Not that I can anyway with the tears blinding me. And I can’t even say another word as the lump in my throat prevents me from breathing properly. I just want nothing to do with her anymore. Absolutely nothing.

-_-_-_-

We can be heroes, Just for one day…

“I HATE THIS FUCKING SONG!”

I jolt forward in my car seat as Alyssa slams on the break. I look around to see the concern plastered on her face. “You OK, girl?”

I’m shocked by my own out burst that I have no words.

“What just happened?” Alyssa asks quietly. I’m still speechless. “What was that about?”

“I don’t know. I’m just…I’m just…” I stop myself from talking as my eyes fill up. I don’t want to tell Alyssa about what happened. It’s too painful to even talk about. And there’s no end to thinking about it.

Alyssa begins to move the car again, quickly pulling into the nearest parking space. When the hand break is pulled up, she turns to face me. “Courtney, what’s wrong.”

I look around to her, tears shimmering in my eyes. The look of concern is enough for me to let out a gross sob and bury my face in my hands. I can’t speak. I can’t breathe.

“Courtney, please talk to me.” I hear Alyssa whimper as her arms envelope me. I don’t look up but only wrap my arms around her as I weep into her chest. I’m trembling. Not even her nails trailing along my arm can relax me.

“I-I wanna go home.” I whimper pitifully.

“We can go there straight away.” She replies, combing her fingers through my hair.

“No! I wanna be alone. Please.” I practically beg which brings her into silence. She slowly pulls away and begins to drive again, while I just hug my knees to my chest pathetically and cry. Throughout the drive I choke on sobs occasionally and Alyssa reaches a hand over to rub my shoulder. I haven’t lifted my head to look at her. But I can hear she’s going to cry too. I hear her sniffle every once in a while which makes me feel even worse.

“We’re here.” She murmurs after a while. The car stops but the engine is still running.

I open the car door, hiding my face with my hair as I leave the car. Upon shutting the door I hear another door close. Alyssa walks around from the other side of the car and approaches me. She grabs my shoulders gently, watching me a few seconds before leaning forward to kiss my forehead. “I’m sorry for what Willam did.”

'You don’t even know the half of it.’ I state in my mind.

I hug Alyssa as I cry, my sobbing has quietened down by now but the tears wont stop falling. I squeeze her in my embrace and kiss her on the cheek. “Thank you, 'Lyssa.”

I pull away, not even giving her a chance to kiss me as I make my way to the apartment block.

-_-_-_-

Entering our apartment, Alaska’s already on the couch. She looks from the TV to greet me. Instead of giving me a smile she just looks shocked. “What happened?”

She stands up and I practically run into her arms and begin to sob once again. She’s stroking my back, making the scratch marks on the skin sting. But I don’t care about that pain.

“What happened??” She repeats only softer now.

“W-Willam used me. She fucking used me.” I bawl.

Alaska pulls away and guides me to the couch. She wraps her long arms around my shoulders rubbing them gently.

“What do you mean by 'used’ you?” She questions.

“I-I was just some d-dumb slut from work who she used! And I fucking hate it!” Upon saying the last sentence, my crying gets louder. She squeezes me in an attempt to calm me down.

We’re sat in silence waiting for my crying to die down. She plays with my hair and whispers how everything will be alright. But it won’t. How can I even move on from learning something that heavy?

“Do you wanna tell me the full story now?” Alaska asks.

“Basically,” I pause as I pull away from her embrace, “She used me to get back at her ex who is now her fiance. The whole time she only posed as my girlfriend because she was going through a rough stage and wanted to piss off whoever she’s with. She told me at work earlier and was like 'I just want to tell you so I can get some sleep tonight’. What about me? I can’t even get this out of my head, Alaska. And it hurts.”

Alaska’s silent for a few seconds. She takes my hands in hers, stroking the skin with her manicured thumb. “I’m sorry, girl. But trust me. You will learn to forget about this. I may not understand what it feels like to be used by someone you thought loved you, but I know you will be able to get over all of this.”

“I can’t.”

“You can.” Alaska insists. “Did she at least apologise?”

“Well…yeah, but I don’t even think that’s enough for what she’s done.” I fume, shaking my head in frustration.

“I understand.” Alaska drawls. “Don’t jump to conclusions when I say this, but maybe this is what you need.” Seeing my puzzled expression, Alaska sighs. “Like, I’m gonna be honest with you right now, girl. When it comes to love, you seem a bit naive. Like…” she pauses as she tries to think, “Were there ever signs that the relationship wasn’t the best?”

“No. We had great times.” I reply pitifully.

“OK. Well you’re wrong. It was a trick question. Remember the karaoke night? You stood in front of that mirror,” she briefly points to the mirror hanging on the wall beside the door, “and you were worried 'cause you thought she was avoiding you. Yes, at the time I brushed it off and said you were over thinking it. But then it started happening way too often. You walked in that door and only told me negative things about her. That she was being standoffish or too quiet. You get what I’m saying, girl?”

“That it was always a shit relationship?” I shrug.

“Not exactly. I think you should have ended it back then when you had enough.” Alaska explained. “It would’ve been for the best.”

I sigh in frustration, wiping my cheeks dry. “But I was so in love with her.”

“Infatuated.”

“What?”

“You weren’t in love with her. That was just simple infatuation. Two emotions that can be easily mixed up.” Alaska explains. “She was the first person who, romantically, made you feel special and you’re drawn to that. Kinda like when a teenage girl is drawn to their asshole of a boyfriend, who shes too afraid to leave because she feels she won’t find anyone better. Only because she lost her virginity to him.”

“No, 'Lasky, you don’t understand. We- -”

“No, you don’t understand. You’re confusing these emotions. Trust me.”

“Listen. I know you’re only trying to help but you’re wrong.”

“How did you feel about Willam before Raja’s birthday? And don’t lie. I know you well enough to tell when you are.”

I’m silent for a moment as I think about answering. I think about all the times Willam and I hung out before we first kissed. Well I try to remember them. There must be something. At least one point I felt any attraction. There has to be.

The silence becomes awkward as I try to think back.

But nothings there.

Now that I think about it…

“OK, maybe you’re right! There was never a time a felt any attraction to Willam. Never before Raja’s birthday. Oh God, Alaska, you’re right. I’m so dumb for letting myself believe in love. Why did I even bother?”

“You weren’t dumb. Like I said, love and infatuation are easily confused. It happens to many people.” Alaska reassures me.

“But I don’t know what to do. I still feel miserable about what happened.”

“I’d imagine so, Courtney. I would be too.” Alaska replied, caressing my cheek. “Although, I hate to be 'that bitch’ but can I ask you something? Don’t you think her actions are kinda…familiar?” She drawls.

“No, not really.” I reply.

“Are you sure?” She questions further.

“Yeah. What do you mean?” I ask, completely confused now.

She’s silent once again and seems baffled by my answer. “Never mind. Let’s just get you some tortilla chips. We can watch a movie.”

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 8 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: So I took a break from writing (kinda) to focus on my University work or I’d fail majorly. But that’s all over for now so here’s the next chapter of Courtney’s story. This chapter is quite filler-ish not gonna lie so forgive me. But also I wanna thank those for the feedback on the draft chapter of Justifying the American Dream as I am super super excited to write it! You’re all so lovely.

~Grinder

“So, hopefully you bitches have brought feedback and ideas to the table this time.” Bianca questions, slamming her palm down on the table waking us up more.

I would groan at the collision of her hand on the table but I’m already trying to keep a bright smile with my hand in Alyssa’s under the table. We know everyone’s aware of it, but there’s nothing like a bit of discretion.

Dela and Bianca have brought the whole team of Tune.105 to discuss the station’s content as they do every fortnight. The whole team including Willam. And this time I’m not cursing her existence (well maybe with my inner voice I am). Instead I’m just showing off as I pretend to be secretive of my new relationship.

Alyssa and I have been dating for nearly a week now. In the beginning, I was really just looking for a one-night stand. But she had thanked me for a “wonderful” time and requested to see me more. To me, Alyssa is really naive when it comes to love. Kind of like one of those girls who when someone shows them one ounce of affection they’re expecting a wedding the next day. But she is sweet and kind hearted. And as I drunkenly crawled onto the bed next to her I thought of Willam’s jealous reaction. So I accepted Alyssa’s request to see each other more.

I’ve practically spent a whole week with Alyssa, fucking nearly every night. Does it get tiring? Well yeah, but it is so worth it, especially when I get to show off. Yesterday we were nearly caught out making out in the coffee room as Willam had walked in moments after we had finished up. Yeah, she missed everything but she hadn’t missed the sight of our lipstick smudged around our mouths. Then there was my favourite moment. I had this huge hicky on my neck and by huge I mean it was fucking massive and I needed Willam to see it.

Alyssa had been sent up to the station with free cupcakes during Willam’s 80’s show. Trixie and Katya hadn’t left since finishing their show so they were there too. Seeing this as an opportunity, I decided to give them out instead. I passed one to Willam (trying my best to keep a cheery smile and not a murderous one). Then I passed one to Katya. Then, pulling my hair over one shoulder, I leaned over to pass the last to Trixie, exposing the huge bruise like mark on my neck. I didn’t give Willam a second look which I regret now. But I would imagine she stared wide eyed.

That situation has been my favourite so far. I know it doesn’t sound like much but today is another day after all.

“I’m happy to say that I do have an idea!” Alyssa exclaims with excitement. “More guest stars.”

There’s a pregnant pause before Dela replies, “We have enough guests. We’ve had politicians coming in and out for the politics show for the last few weeks.”

“Yeah, but famous people, girl.” Alyssa elaborates.

“Well, if you can get Beyoncé in here, come back to me then, ‘girl’.” Bianca replies, her tone thick with sarcasm.

Alyssa looks slightly defeated, sighing and leaning back in her chair. Poor Alyssa. She really does try.

“To be honest, I like that idea.” I state causing heads to turn. “Who said anything about celebrities? You know we do quite a lot of music shows here yet we’ve never had live sessions from local talent. And besides, I know it is Election season and we’re all slowly getting stressed out so it would be good to put out something different. And not to mention, it could broaden our listenership.”

There’s another moment of silence as the team takes the suggestion into consideration. Fuck, is this awkward or are they actually listening?

“I can’t believe it. Of all the years I’ve run this station…” Dela starts “…I’ve never thought to have local talent guest star in shows.”

“I guess we should get on with finding talent then.” Roxxxy speaks up, looking to her team, Alaska and Matthew.

“Yes. I would appreciate it if you and the rest of the entertainment team could find someone have them in here by the end of the week!” Dela states, writing a few words on her notepad. “Get back to me when you find someone.”

I look to Alaska and her team, smiling as Alaska winks at me. Then I turn my smile to Alyssa who looks happier than ever. I squeeze her hand under the table as she strokes her thumb over the back of my hand. Talk about team work!

-_-_-_-

“Do you think this would look good on me, baby?” Alyssa asks, holding a black dress against her as she pulls faces in the mirror. She doesn’t realize it but she’s kind of blocking the way of other customers.

“Yeah, it’ll look great on you!” I tell her, trying to sound as enthusiastic as I can. I move in order to make room for a pissed off looking Granny. I roll my eyes as I hear the old woman mutter under her breath something about ‘hoes’.

Alyssa sighs quite loudly, turning to face me. “What would I do without you?”

I don’t get a chance to say ‘you’re welcome’ as she gives me a quick peck on the lips. I hear some boys nearby snicker and say shit like ‘Look! Lesbians!’ Why are boys so fascinated with lesbians anyway. I get that girls are majestic but Christ! Down boys!

“I might try this on actually.” Alyssa contemplates turning to look at her reflection again.

“Go for it then.” I reply, but she’s too engrossed in her reflection, pulling faces and tongue popping to herself. People are looking again which causes a bright red blush to burn my cheeks. “So are you gonna go try that on or…”

“What was that?” Alyssa mutters, still fascinated by herself image.

“Never mind.” I say, shaking my head.

-_-_-_-

“So we got either Purge: Election Year or the new Ghostbusters.” Alyssa informs me, turning away from her TV. “Which one would you prefer?”

“I don’t mind.” I reply, munching on a dorito.

“Actually I’ve been really wanting to watch something Disney recently. It’s been a long time. Oh my Gosh, I make it sound like I’m ancient, girl.” Alyssa pauses to laugh. “I’m feeling Beauty and the Beast.”

“Sounds great.” I reply.

And it was great. Thank God Alyssa doesn’t have neighbors because we would have had many noise complaints with all the loud and obnoxious singing. It was great.

Up until a certain scene.

“This is bullshit.” I blurt out as Belle fan girls over her new library. Shit.

Alyssa, who’s laying with her arms around me with her head on my chest, looks up to me with a confused look. “What?”

“Sorry, it’s just reminding me of someone.” I say, brushing it off.

Alyssa’s face falls slightly and she twists a lock of my hair around her finger. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No, I’ll be fine.”

“Are you sure?”

A bottle of wine later, I’m just staring at the ceiling while Alyssa sits on the other end of the couch listening.

“…and then she built this big fort thing for us to chill out in. No one has ever done something like that for me. It made me feel I was worth all of the effort, you know? And weeks after, she stabbed me in the back. Literally. She took a long pointy knife and stabbed me right in my back with it.”

“Literally??” Alyssa questions, her eyes slightly widening.

“No. I wouldn’t even be here. What’s wrong with you?” I reply, taking a sip from the wine bottle. “We both went to this festival where she decided my attention wasn’t as valuable as the attention of some random guy.”

Alyssa’s eyes are wide again. “She didn’t cheat on you, did she?”

“She did! She was hoisted up on some van while he fucked the shit out of her. I saw it with my own eyes. And I haven’t been able to erase the image from my head since.” I pause again as my voice cracks. I don’t want to cry. There’s no way I’m crying over Willam. “And she had the audacity to try and act like nothing happened after. She only said that we weren’t right for each other and that we should see other people. So, here we are…”

Having one more sip of the wine, I look to Alyssa who’s eyes shift away from me and to the bottle in her hand as if she’s really thinking about what I’ve just said.

“…So…” she pauses, “Am I ‘other people’?”

Realizing my mistake, I put my bottle on the table, sit up and shuffle near her. “No. Of course not. You mean a lot to me, Alyssa.”

“I do?” She murmurs giving me puppy eyes.

“Yeah!” I exclaim. She’s silent. “I think…you’re really attractive. And you’re funny. And you have a good heart.” I pause contemplating on whether or not I should continue. With each thing I say I just feel guilt. Or is it just the misery that I’m feeling in the moment? “…And I know you’re gonna go far.”

Alyssa stifles out another laugh, rolling her eyes. “Girl, I may have the looks and personality but I’m dumb as fuck. I ain’t going nowhere.”

“You are not! I promise you, you can do anything you put your mind to.” I beam at her. I’m not going to lie but hearing Alyssa say these things is only making it worse.

She stifles a laugh as her eyes meet mine again. “You think?”

I caress her cheek with my hand before I answer, feeling a pang of guilt hit my heart. “I know. Besides, you’ve got class. Willam’s just messy. She has nothing on you.”

“Baby, stop.” She whines playfully slapping me on the shoulder as I lean forward and plant my lips on hers, trying to kiss away any thoughts of Willam and every good memory of her. Who needs the bitch anyway? That tiring…slutty…obnoxious…childish…trashy…restless…messy…careless…care free…spunky…free-spirited…bright…charismatic Willam.

[artificialqueens]

Courtney’s Infinite Search for Love Ch. 7 (Witney) - Grinder

AN: Prepare for an unhappy ending…Nope, this isn’t the last update but yeah, not a happy chapter. And also, yes, the opening line is kinda like the one from (500) Days of Summer. I’m kinda realizing this fic seems a lot like that movie.

Also forgive me this chapter may be (a bit) long.

~Grinder

“I hate Willam. I hate her obnoxious seal laugh. I hate her dirty blonde hair and shitty roots. I hate her trampy taste in fashion. I hate her caked makeup face. And I hate that fucking David Bowie song too.”

There’s a moment of silence as Adore takes in my drunken rant. We’re just sitting isolated in the corner of this bar at this fucking staff night out. Meaning Willam is here too. For fuck sake. And I’m so drunk and heartbroken, making matters worse for myself. For. Fuck. Sake.

I just wallow in my misery and self-despair while Adore attempts to cheer me up. She’s mainly just listening and responding and giving me more booze. God, I love Adore.

It’s been two days since Willam and I went to the festival and I don’t plan on crying all day again. Yesterday was spent doing that. Then again, I am at this stupid staff do so I could be spending all night crying instead.

“Girl, do you mind if I ask what happened? You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to.” Adore replies, sipping her drink.

“Well…where do I begin?” I slur thinking back to the day before yesterday.

-_-_-_- FLASHBACK -_-_-_-

“God, that security guard was nasty. Practically ripping my bag apart.” I rant, pulling at the straps of my holographic backpack. God, why am I such a teenager?

“Yeah, and he was so fucking handsy!” Willam exclaims, looking around to the security guard. “Pervert!”

My heart jumps to my throat as the security guard looks in our direction. Willam clutches my hand tight and we flee the scene. Even when we’re out of the guard’s sight, we’re still running. Where to? I don’t even know anymore. I just continue running and enjoy the feeling of the sand crumbling beneath my feet.

Willam halts immediately causing me to crash into her. She wraps her arms around me before I fall like the big klutz I am. She’s panting for breath, slouching on me now. “God, I need to go back to the gym.”

“Shut up before I throw you into the sea. You’re perfect.” I smile, helping her up again. I know it may seem like I’m fine with her again, but I still have my suspicions.

Willam perks up as the music hits her ears. “Fuck! My favourite band is on already!”

I don’t have time to respond as she’s already taken my hand and dragged me away towards the crowd. We dance and jump around for what feels like a good 2 hours even though I know it really wasn’t that long. But Christ I need water. I offer Willam to come get drinks with me to which she says no. Um…OK?

-_-_-_-

I’m standing outside the bar now. I figured Willam might want alcohol instead of water so that’s what she’ll get. I should be a spiteful bitch and get her beach water instead. OK, maybe that’s too far.

“What do you have?” I ask the bartender.

“Beer and shots.” He replies, in a sarcastic tone.

“…Could you be a bit more specific?” I ask, knitting my eyebrows together.

“Beer and shots.” He replies more sternly.

Christ, what a dick. I can tell this is gonna add to my slowly rising anger. “Fine. A beer then.”

Now I’m thinking of my slowly rising anger. Willam not coming to get a drink with me. The fact she only called me about a wakeup call late last night. The fact she hadn’t even texted me in a week. Slamming my money down on the counter, the bartender jumps.

“And a shot please.” I practically growl. I know I’m over reacting but I can’t help it. I’m so pissed with how this relationship turned out. “Make it two.”

When the drinks are placed in front of me, the shots are practically gone in two seconds. I snatch the beer and leave, making my way back to Willam. Not to mention it’s gonna be so annoying trying to find her in the huge crowd.

“COURT!”

I’m startled at the sound of my name, spinning towards the direction of the voice. It’s Willam. At the tattoo booth. Being tattooed. By a topless man. I storm up to the booth ready to ask why she didn’t stay with the crowd and why hadn’t even texted me.

“Willam, you - -”

“Don’t worry, It’s not permanent. It’s a stick and lick. It’ll come off I swear. Calm down, Mom.” She interrupts. The man just laughs. How obnoxious. Willam nods her head towards her tricep, where the tattoo sticker is placed. “It says ‘Fuck Coachella’.”

“OK. But why didn’t you text me you left?” I ask.

“I didn’t?” Willam asks, dumbfounded by the question.

“You didn’t.” I reply.

The man coughs, reminding us that he’s watching our awkward moment.

“Look. I promise I’ll text you if I disappear. I promise. But can we talk about this later?” Willam asks.

My teeth grit together as I realise I can’t find my words. All I can do is approach her, pass her the beer and wait until she’s done. “OK.”

A few seconds later, the tattoo is done. Willam pays the man and we walk away in painful silence. The longer the silence goes on for the more I think about how it shouldn’t feel this awkward. We’re a couple. We’re supposed to feel happy in each other’s company. Not murderous. Slight exaggeration. But Christ, I’m so pissed.

“I’m sorry for disappearing like that.” Willam mutters, reaching for my hand as we continue walking. I look to Willam to find her looking straight back at me. There’s a pregnant pause before she gives a smile, “Come on. Don’t be like that, Court. We’re at a festival! Have fun – live a little. We’re not at work anymore.”

I’m weak as I fall for the smile, taking a hold of her manicured hand and returning the smile. “You’re right. Let’s live a little.”

-_-_-_-

How dumb could I be? I basically gave Willam permission to walk away only if she texted me. And now I can’t find her anywhere now. She also hasn’t texted me. Now I’m beyond pissed.

I march myself to the bar, order two more shots and receive a dirty look from the same guy who had served me 3 hours earlier.

Leaving the bar, I continue my search for Willam at the stage area, where Troye Sivan is playing his fifth song. I could’ve been having a good time right now, dancing around to the music along with Willam. But nope. I’m searching for her instead.

I push through the violent crowd – tipsy, lost and confused and after a good five minutes of searching, I finally give up when a fifth drink spills on my top and I’m shoved for the second time.

I’m walking aimlessly now, searching for the number one source of my shitty mood. But why should I? She hasn’t wasted any time to come find me, has she?

“COURT!”

Déjà vu much?

Just like earlier, I turn to the voice to see the spawn of my rage. It’s Willam hanging out with a bunch of men. Surprise – surprise.

“Get your blonde ass over here!” Willam drunkenly calls. The state she’s in only adds fuel to the fire.

I storm up to her and the group of men. This time I’m not holding back. “Willam, you’ve got some serious explai- -”

“Yeah, shut up. This is Dustin.” She interrupts me, pointing to one of the men and then to the other. “And this is James. We were just talking about threesomes.”

“You were?” I ask, not surprised in the slightest.

“Yeah, I think you and James and I would be a cool team, right?” Willam beams, chuckling like a seal.

“I thought you didn’t do threesomes.” I confront her.

“You know us women. We change our minds all the time.” She shrugs rolling her eyes. She abruptly grabs me by the shoulders and shakes me lightly. “Come on. It’s a great idea! Just live a little, please.”

I don’t even know what to say as her eagerness to fuck with someone else is clear to me now. My eyes are glassy as tears sting the corners. I just shake my head, take a few steps away from the group and turn my back to her. To the bar I go.

-_-_-_-

I’m drunk. I’m lost. I can’t find Willam anyway, but then again I’m not even looking for her anymore. I’m just dragging myself around the festival, completely ignoring the live music and attractions around me, finding entertainment in feeling sorry for myself instead.  

I’m surrounded by cars. How did I even end up at the car park? And why am I here? And why do I feel safer here, away from the drama. Maybe ‘cause there’s no one here. At least I think.

Stumbling my way through the cars, I come across an area with more space to move. I look around to see where I could head next only to see the blurry image of two individuals moving around against a van door. It’s 10 cars in the distance making it hard to see them and the alcohol isn’t helping either. What the hell are they doing? Curiosity gets the best of me as I make my way towards the distant figures. The closer I get to the people, the clearer my vision is. And the clearer my vision gets, the more I feel my stomach form a knot.

I’m five steps away from them now and my rage has reached its boiling point. It’s Willam, hoisted up against the van with her legs around James’ waist. His pants are around his ankles. Willam is moaning louder than she ever moaned for me. I don’t fall to the ground when I process what’s going on, but my tears spill down my cheeks freely.

I turn and run from the scene, not caring if I was seen or not. Fuck Willam. Fuck her for fucking James right now. Fuck her for messing with my feelings, my effort and my time. Fuck her for abandoning me at this festival. Fuck her for everything.

-_-_-_-

“Court, can we talk?”

I ignore Willam, walking ahead of her as I make my way home. I have no idea where she’s going but she’s definitely not come home with me.

“Court.” She repeats softly, to which I ignore her again. “Look, I don’t know what’s up with your ass but I really need to talk to you right now.”

She runs to the front of me, causing me to halt in my tracks. Before I can tell her to move she’s already speaking.

“Why are we doing this?” She asks.

My eyebrows knit together in confusion. “Because I’m going home?”

“Not that, you idiot. This whole thing we’re doing with each other. It’s not right.” She speaks. “I’ve just been thinking we haven’t really been with anyone else. Yeah we sleep around with strangers a lot, well not in months, but…”

‘Liar,’ I think to myself internally. Why aren’t I saying it out loud though?

“We haven’t really given ourselves a chance to date other people so how do we know that we’re really meant for each other if we haven’t met anyone else? I know this is so fucked up, but this is not normal. We’re grownups. Not dumb kids. Do you get what I’m - -”

“Have you met someone else?” I demand.

She’s silent for a few seconds before she utters out, “What?”

“Have you met someone else, Willam?” I repeat, more sternly now.

A pregnant pause. I just watch her as she looks guilty as charged.

“Courtney. I’m sorry, but I just don’t think…” she pauses trying to find her words “…we’re good together.  I feel like we really need to stop what we’re doing before we’re both completely drained and bitter from pretending all the time.”

I take her face in my hands, my cheeks red and stained with hot tears. “But we were so good together. The nights out at the bar. The fort in your house. The dates. Everything. It made me happier.”

I’m hoping she’ll lean in and kiss me and tell me I’m right and that she’s just paranoid. But she doesn’t. She’s just looks back at me with sympathy. “I’m sorry. It’s just it’s not fair that we’re doing this to each other. Just try and understand where I’m coming from, Court’.”

I take a few more seconds to look at her with pleading eyes before realizing it’s pointless. I take my hands away from her face, letting them drop to my sides. I move away from her and continue my journey home. She calls after me, but I’m too discombobulated and drunk to turn back.

As I trek home, I try to ignore all thoughts of Willam and suppress the memories for the good of my sanity. I try to think of what to do when I get home, but her face keeps flashing in my mind and I just cry more tears as I walk in my drunken and exhausted state.

-_-_-_- END FLASHBACK -_-_-_-

“And that’s why I fucking hate her.” I finish, looking around to Adore who’s already gotten another shot, ready for me to drown my emotions. She gives me a sympathetic look, passing the beverage to me. It’s gone in a matter of seconds and my ‘Done’ face masks the look of disgust at the taste.

“I’m so sorry, Man.” Adore rubs my shoulder. “Well, at least you tried. Like, it may look really shitty right now. But maybe you’re thinking too much about the good times instead of the bad. That’s only gonna make you miss her more. List her faults in your head and that’ll make you feel better I promise. And besides; there are plenty of other fish in the sea.”

I love Adore and everything, but right now I’m semi-bored and fed up with talking about Willam. Instead of bringing up a new topic, I just walk away leaving her alone and confused. I look around the place to see Alyssa alone at the bar. Let’s be alone together.

“Hey, Alyssa.” I slur, sliding onto the stool next to her. I nearly fall off but grab hold of the bar to steady myself.

“Hello, Miss Courtney Act.” Judging from her voice, she’s smashed too. “How’s the relationship going?”

I groan quite loudly, gaining Tammie and DJ’s attention also. They try to stifle their laughter as my forehead falls to the hard surface of the bar. Alyssa doesn’t hide anything as she cackles and claps her hands together. I’m glad she’s having fun watching me suffer in my drunken mess state.

Lifting my head slowly, I look to Alyssa again and mutter, “Don’t talk to me about her. I hate her so much.”

Alyssa’s smile drops grabbing a hold of my arm and practically shouts, “What did she do??!!”

My pointer finger is on her lips now as I shoosh her. “No – No – No. No talking about her. Maybe later. But not right now. Talk about something else. Talk about tongue pops and- - TALK ABOUT TATIANNA.”

Alyssa’s silent and her eyes widen at the mention of her favourite-person-in-the-whole-wide-world’s name. Before I can speak again, she leans back in her chair. Tatianna is sitting in the stool next to Alyssa, her head on the bar and her hair blanketing her face. She’s drunk and close to passing out.

“We all need promotions,” she mutters from under the mass of black hair, “And I need…more wine…”

Too drunk to move, she just continues to sit there. I give Alyssa an apologetic look for being so loud mouthed.

“To be honest…I don’t think it would work between her and I. ‘Cause she’s so…” She pauses to look around at Tatianna, who’s now completely passed out “…I don’t know. I just don’t think it would work.”

I roll my eyes, slapping my hand down on Alyssa’s shoulder. “You know what? Fuck love. Fuck love in its ass! Not literally. What the fuck is wrong with you? But yeah, you don’t need it.”

Alyssa just nods, sipping on her cocktail as I look past her shoulder to see the last person I wanted to see tonight. Willam standing across the bar actually making eye contact with me. Why is she staring?  

“Who are you looking at?” Alyssa pulls me from my daze, as she slowly turns her head to where I’m looking. Before she can even look over her shoulder, I grab her face in my hand pulling it towards mine.

“Don’t look!” I whisper quite loudly as my forehead is nearly touching hers. We’re just staring at each other in complete silence. I can feel certain gears in my head turning as my eyes glance in Willam’s direction again. Still watching me.

“Courtney,” Alyssa slurs, “Are you OK?”

Without saying another word my lips come crashing against hers. And I can already feel the joy as I know Willam is watching. She wants to see other people? So be it.

Alyssa and I just make out for what feels like a good two minutes, and all the while, I open my eyes occasionally to glance at Willam. I smile into the kiss as I realize Willam hasn’t even taken her eyes off us and she looks pretty shocked. I am living for this moment.

Alyssa pulls away, also smiling now, “What was that all about?”

“Just shut up and come home with me.” I reply.

And that’s what we do. We leave the bar, hand in hand like classic petty teenagers. Adore looks bewildered at what’s going on, but I just wink reassuringly at her.

I glare at Willam as we get to the door. She’s not even looking anymore. Instead, she’s just flirting with a guy she’s with. Do I feel any guilt or sadness or any form of negative emotion? Only, because she’s not looking anymore. But she knows fully well that I’m leaving the place with Alyssa. And she knows exactly what we’re going to do.

It may sound pretty bitchy of me to say, but I really hope she feels what I’ve been feeling for the past few weeks. God, I really do hope.