#cjpr

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

saw a glimpse of my past.

I was cleaning up my headboard and found a small box containing all memories I had of you -- cinema tickets, love letters, couple rings, small notes you gave me, photos of us, etc. and for a long time, it reminded me of my past with you.

It was nostalgic in a way that I never thought I can love the way I loved you -- fearless, full of hope that we will end up together. I realized I never love anyone else that way aside from you. I realized that you will always have that special place in my heart, no matter how painful our relationship was.

It was also saddening to read those letters that were not given to you. I wanted to tell my 16-yo me that it's gonna be painful, it's gonna be hard, that she was gonna be making a lot of mistakes, that she was gonna hurt you, and the guilt will last a lifetime - until now. I feel so sad for her for the decisions that I'll be making. But at the same time, I am happy reading those letters because I know at the time she was making and writing those letters for you, she feels loved and happy only you can give her.

I always hope that no matter where you are in life right now, that you are genuinely happy and okay. I'm praying and rooting for you. I hope we both find our happiness.

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

Hi! Kamusta?

It's been a long time since I wrote a formal letter to you. I want to know how you've been for the past years? Ako? Well, ito, I'm doing good. Stress sa work pero grateful pa rin naman. Balita ko nagpprepare ka for the Board, good luck! I know sisiw na sa'yo yan. Samahan mo pa ng pagpapanata, alam kong maipapasa mo yan. I'm rooting for you. :) Kung nagtatataka ka kung bakit ka naka-receive ng letter from me, read the rest and you'll know. ;)

Paano ko ba 'to sisimulan? Hmm.. Siguro sisimulan ko sa pagpapapasalamat sa'yo. It took me years to appreciate all the things you did for me during and after our relationship. Although na-appreciate ko naman lahat ng ginawa mo during the relationship. Thank you for fulfilling your promise to me that no matter what, you will fight for us until the end. For reference, I attached here one of my entries on my old Tumblr blog. Maraming salamat dahil nandyan ka sa lahat ng mga pagkakamali kong nagawa. Maraming salamat dahil kahit masakit, tiniis mo para lang maiparamdam mong nandoon ka para sakin. I hope you know that I really did love you. Hindi ko na pagdadahilanan pa yung mga nagawa kong pagkakamali noon, siguro dahil bata pa ako at naliligaw ng landas. I'm really sorry. I'm sorry for causing you excruciating pain that I know you carried for some time. I'm sorry for not fighting for us. I'm sorry, if after all that you've done for me after my break up with Jones, I still did not choose you. Patawarin mo ako kung mas nagpadaig ako sa takot na baka ibalik mo lang sa akin ang mga nagawa kong pagkakamali. Patawarin mo ako kung hindi na ako sumugal pa.

Okay, pause muna sa drama. Did you read what I attached here? Nakakatuwa yung first paragraph, no? Grabe tayo mangarap noon. Na akala natin ganon lang kadali abutin lahat yun. But I'm glad we got to accomplish some of our dreams even though we are not a part of it. Imagine, we got to graduate ng sabay (Y2019) and although we are not together anymore, but see? We made it. Cheers to us! Here's to achieving all our dreams even though we are not together anymore. :) Maraming salamat dahil tinupad mo yung hiniling ko sayo na lumaban ka para sa atin. Hindi ko alam kung paano mo nakayanan yung pain na yun.

Sa totoo lang, hanggang ngayon laman ka pa rin ng mga panaginip ko. Nag-iwan ka ng marka sa puso ko na kahit sinong lalaki ang dumaan, nandoon at nandoon ka pa rin. Pero alam ko sa sarili kong hindi na kita mahal at pawang mga alaala na lang yung nandito sa puso ko. Namimiss ko lang siguro yung mga pinagsamahan natin noong mga bata pa tayo. Kung gaano tayo ka-toxic, yung tipong iiyakan ko pa kapag hindi ka nakakapunta sa amin dahil sa DOTA, o di kaya kapag hindi mo ako nasusundo sa trabaho. Nakakatawang isipin na sobrang babaw ko noon haha bata pa nga kasi talaga. Akala ko noon, I'm mature enough to handle our relationship.. hindi pala. As I was reading my Tumblr posts about us, it brought me back memories and feelings I took for granted. Yung mga simpleng paghatid mo sa akin pagkagaling ng kapilya, sabay hawak sa kamay ko, ganitong mga bagay na nakakabuo na agad ng araw ko. Yung mga dates natin sa mall na kung titingnan natin ngayon, paano natin nagawa yun knowing na estudyante pa lang tayo? haha ang simple lang ng buhay noon, 'no? Sana ang buhay ganoon lang kadali kung paano natin sila pinicture out noon.

Ano yung pinaka-favorite memory mo na kasama ako? For me it would be noong high school pa lang tayo and nagpapakiramdaman sa feelings ng isa't-isa. Oo, alam ko, ako unang nagkagusto sayo. Nakakabwisit lang talaga yung mga pang-aasar mo sa akin, sobrang napipikon ako noon alam mo ba haha tapos madalas ka manghiram ng books sa akin noon tapos pagkabalik mo sakin, may sulat na yung likod -_- One of my favorite days I had with you.. hmm.. sobrang random and simple lang nito eh, and I don't know if you'll even remember this. It was that day, hapon, maaliwalas yung kapaligiran, katabi kita sa sofa namin, gumagawa ng assignment sa Math, this was when we were in 1st yr college btw, tapos nakatingin lang ako sa ginagawa mo, that made me fell in love more. Yun nga lang ang hina sa mga English essays haha which is yung strongest point ko naman in all fairness. Pero what I missed the most is you giving me spiritual reminders, yun talaga the best. You always made sure na I do the right thing.

Despite all of the pain and struggles we had in our relationship, you once made me happy. And I also hope I made you feel that way, too. Cj, if ever you get to read this, happy 10th anniversary to our failed yet once happy relationship. Remember our promise that we'd get married after 10 years? Ang inosente ng pangarap haha but here we are! I am finally closing our book. I will stop thinking our what-if's, will finally stop punishing myself everyday for hurting you, finally stopping the guilt. I'm genuinely happy with what I have now. Sana ikaw rin matagpuan mo na yung para sa iyo. Hindi bale, ipagkakaloob ng Ama yun sa'yo. Nandito lang ako sa side, rooting for you. I know you'll go far in life. Palagi ka lang manalangin ha? Mahal kita and mag-iingat ka. And to close the book, I attached here a short video I did for our 3rd and last anniversary way back 2014. I got to published it on Instagram haha so there you go.

Paalam, CJPR.

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

Reminiscing the good times.

Hindi ko alam kung anong mayroon ngayong araw but from I opened my eyes in the morning until now, siya yung nasa isip ko. Siguro kasi napanaginipan ko na naman siya. So, nagpadala na naman ako sa nararamdaman ko kaya pinatugtog ko na naman ang playlist ko for him and I read my blogs about him sa dati kong Tumblr account. 

I read this one entry from my old blog:

The 2nd paragraph is what made me tear up. He really did fought for me until the end, kahit nagkaroon na’ko ng bago, kahit natapos na kami, he was there for me. He did not gave up easily. Heto na naman ako, pinaparusahan ko na naman ang sarili ko sa kasalanang matagal ko nang nagawa at pinagsisihan. :( It is actually funny how we pictured out our future together. Napakabata pa kasi namin noon. Akala ko talaga siya na yung papakasalan ko. Ang babaw ng pangarap namin pero halata mong masaya. Two kids who had no idea what their future would be... 

After reading my blog, it came flashing back to me. How he used to sing for me at night before going to sleep, how we would talked all night until we fell asleep then magugulat na lang kami in the morning, nakatulugan na namin yung isa’t-isa and it was the most beautiful feeling in the world. How he would compose letters for me everytime mag-aaway kami. I also remembered the bad feelings I had. 

Naiiyak na naman ako.

I know in my heart that I love my current boyfriend. He is my home. But there are times when I would think how my future would be if Cj and I did not broke up. 

Hanggang kailan ko parurusahan ang sarili ko para sa pagkakamaling matagal ko nang pinagsisihan?

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

Happiest 25th birthday.

I hope you get all that you prayed for.

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

Letters

I was cleaning my drawer earlier and saw some notes from my old diary circa 2010-2012 and some birthday letters to my ex.

It's amazing how we loved the people from our younger years. How we gave our everything without reservations; how we embrace their flaws even the red flags, how we picture our future with them in it.

I am very happy how my first love went – a roller coaster. I'm glad I get to experience it all with him.

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

Memories

Being able to do my church responsibilities is very surreal. It's like going back to a great love you once had. But know what's the most ironic about it? It is whenever I am inside the church, it always brings back our memories together. I remember you in each places of it. It's very sad and painful but I always found myself smiling whenever this happens. I guess it doesn't hurt me the way it did before. Those memories I had with you will always be like that – sad and happy, and I guess I like it that way.

[thegirlwithbrokendreams]

My only wish...

This November 2021 marks our supposed 10-year anniversary. Looking back, I did not even said yes to you nor asked me if we are officially together. It just happened — like how it ended. I remember, we promised each other that we would be married after ten years. Fast forward and we are here after ten years, but we are no longer together anymore. It's both sad and happy to be honest. I painted my future with you in it when I was a teenager. I always thought that you will be my happy ending. But I guess it's not so bad after all.

When we broke up six years ago, it did hurt me thrice as it broke you. But I guess you'll never know that side of my story. 'Ako yung nakipag-break, ako yung nanakit, so ano nga namang karapatan ko masaktan', right? At first, I didn't think hardly about my decisions. When I fell for him, I was being selfish for only thinking about myself. I did not remember what we had. I was young and dumb and lost. Reading our conversations here on Tumblr, I guess I also cheated on him when I constantly reply to your messages here and saying I still miss and love you. I guess I'm being a real bitch there lol. Looking back, I always thought that Caleb was my first love because its on that relationship where I first experienced my heartbreak but realizing it now, first loves doesn't mean it's your first heartbreak. First love is when you get to experience the roller coaster kind of feeling and it just doesn't go away. The feeling doesn't go away no matter how long it happened. You can still feel it like it was just yesterday. And that feeling was what I felt with you – until now. At first, I thought to myself why do I still miss you? Why do you occasionally pops into my mind? Why do I still search for you in the crowd at the church? Do I still love you? Did I not move on? No. I realized this now. You will always gonna have that special place in my heart that no matter how many guys I meet or how many years it will be, that place will always gonna be you. You left a mark in me and the emotions there are mixed — love, hate, pain, happiness, comfort, etc. It's like leaving a family home. No matter where I go, no matter how many miles I go, I will always miss the comfort of you.

The only thing that I still hold on to up to this day is your constant visit in my dreams. Its been months since your last visit in my dream that's why when you visited last time, I was happy. Why did I dream about you? Maybe because during the last prayer for the year 2020, you were there and I saw you. That's why you visited my dream. I couldn't remember clearly the moment but the feeling I had that time was happiness. Because I felt that you were finally happy. Although I cannot remember if you mentioned you have a girlfriend but I know you are happy. Because I finally saw that smile and for years, that's one of the things I prayed to God – na sana muli kang maging masaya and finally, He answered my prayer.

Cj, I hope you are truly happy. I am the most happiest when you're the happiest. I hope you achieve all your dreams in life. And as we travel this journey called life separately, I hope you remember me. That once, you had a destination and it brought you lessons. I will always be on the side silently cheering for your success. And though it didn't go as we planned, we might not be married to each other nor even together this time, I want you to know that you will always gonna have that special place in my heart that no one's going to be replaced.

Our chapter in my book is not yet closed. I decided that this chapter will be closed on our tenth anniversary. This post was made just to celebrate your happiness.

I am genuinely happy for you.

From the bottom of my heart,

Pam