Two Slow Dancers
.. or Benedict and Sophie get vulnerable.
"You must wonder why I had refused your offer so many years ago."
"I do not wonder anymore. What more could I possibly need?"
"But does it not worry you?"
"In my years of being with you, Sophie, I'd asked you several questions and you have returned an equal measure of answers. Some you leave unanswered. I do not mind it. Once, I asked if you would marry me and you said yes. That is all I need."
"I thought you must have questions."
"Doubts? No. Never. Do you have—?"
"No. Why would I?"
"But it keeps you up at night."
"Sometimes. I am happy for us. I would not trade what I have for anything. Not even the gift of immortality. But I often think about that night."
"The night I asked you…?"
"No. The night I would have left for.. good."
"Ah. The dreadful Americas. My least favourite continent after the Arctics. Both of which send forth chill winds after us, and both of which have threatened to take the love of my life from my very arms."
"The winter was not very kind to us, I agree, but must you take it out on a world half a league away?"
"Why, yes. My contempt is potent enough to cross oceans."
"Ha! I am fond of you, Benedict but I am more fond of your singular talent for cheer at moments most unseemly."
"It really is a gift, my darling."
"I hope our daughter shares your optimism. Laughter is fruitless in the face of adversity, but it alleviates the pain."
"She already has my eyes. I would rather have her carry her mother's strength when she grows. What are petty japes against the sure strength of courage?"
"I was not courageous. I was.. I acted out of a stubbornness. If Araminta hadn't intervened, I would have left. I had my ticket, a small bag of possessions and I was prepared to put it all behind me. I only hope our child is spared from receiving her mother's cowardice."
"No. No! I will not let you disparage yourself like that! Sophie my love, the world was not kind to you then and my goodness, I had only added to your troubles instead of attempting to help you—"
"No-"
"Please do not cry. I will never forgive myself if I—"
"I am not crying. Our bedchamber simply requires a thorough dusting. We really have forgotten ourselves since Violet came into our lives."
"Sophie, my love. It is only me."
"I know."
"We have been married for three years now."
".. all right, perhaps I did.. weep a little. In a way, Araminta was a blessing in disguise and I am forced to reconcile with her cruelty in such a manner, for it brought you to me."
"Cruelty takes the shape of mercy from time to time."
"Yet it is such a shame we cannot tell them apart. Mercy, cruelty, shame.. I had much time to think and weep in my gaol that night. Wept, for I was stuck and had no means to help myself. Wept, for I shall never reach that boat bound for the Americas. Wept, for I was afraid you would never come, and should you, by some miraculous force of nature, have come for my rescue, it would have been far too late by then."
"But I did. Wherever you are, Sophie, I will not be very far away. It is my sincerest promise that I will keep for as long as I may live."
"Surely it would have been difficult to keep that promise had I indeed made it to the Americas."
"I—"
"Benedict?"
"I do not recall telling you my side of the story, for I believed it did not matter. We had more pressing concerns then and it would have been a waste of time to dwell on the past. But-"
"What did you do?"
"I searched the docks for you. All of it."
"You speak as if the docks are a marketplace where after a search, one might find the spool of thread they are in need of! Whatever do you mean? It would have been…"
".. in the dead of the night, yes. I searched all the ships bound for the Americas and for added measure, I searched the vessels due for France and Italy. You were nowhere to be seen and the stewards in charge of facilitating the passengers scarcely recognised your name. Then I assumed you might have left hours earlier and tried endlessly to secure a ticket that very night but to no avail. I even considered stealing a fishing boat—"
"Benedict!"
"— or perhaps fashioning myself a pair of wax wings."
"Icarus fell, darling."
"Ah, well. He should have tried harder."
"You are not serious!"
"No, I was completely serious. I contemplated theft, I contemplated impersonation. I did not care for honour at that moment. I would have incurred the wrath of my family, but I prepared myself for it."
".. Prepared?"
"I started to write letters and would have sent it with Hatch, who has done innumerable favours for me and I am surprised he has not quit yet. Anyway—"
"Letters? What letters?"
"Letters of farewell."
"Well.. that is an incredibly foolish thing of you to do."
"But I was not armed with the information then; information of your whereabouts that I came to know of eventually. I had only my horse, was dressed in mourning clothes and in the folds of my coat, I kept your glove and necklace. I had not a shilling with me to help pay for my passage, carried no luggage but what was yours and was prepared to sail away from home if it meant .. if it.. if it meant.."
".. we will not speak of such depressing things any further. Forgive me, I should have never brought up the past."
"No. No. It is necessary, Sophie. You asked me if I had ever wondered about your refusal. I was prepared to find my way to you, even in a land fathoms away it is unknown and unknowable at once. It is foolish, yes and I have burned my letters of goodbye since, but it made me understand several important things."
"I do not think we would have been happy in the Americas, even if we had found our way to each other."
"I agree. It is in fact what I am trying to say as well, though I am not as astute as you are."
"My desperation took me away from you."
"My desperation followed you there."
"And yet, our shared despair would have only worsened our pain. I do not want to see you in pain."
"And I do not want to see you in pain. Believe me, once.. was enough."
"It is expected."
"No."
"Benedict, surely you cannot harbour resentment towards your own daughter! I am well. I was well before and I am well now. The birth is.. simply that. A birth. It has been two years since."
"It is my fault."
"Will you stop repenting?"
"Will you?"
"Frankly, I do not know how."
"Perhaps we can learn how to."
"Perhaps."
"Anyway, where was I? Oh, that is right. That dreadful night. Your refusal. It .. made me realise that the answer is not a cottage in the woods. Seclusion is never the answer. It is scarcely a temporary balm. Much like a convenient lie, it is meant to salve, not nourish. May be we would have led very different lives had you made it to the ship and I'd followed you there, but I do not think our lives are meant to be lived that way."
"I had thought so too. It is why I refused your offer, but desired an escape far away from my troubles."
"Maybe two things can be true at once. I wanted to marry you then, but instead of finding hope, I found discouragement at every corner."
"Maybe. It is difficult to understand it, but luckily Violet is of help these days. She cries and laughs at the same time. I mistook it for sorrow, but she is too small to feel such heartache. Then I learned her tears were not a result of grief, but joy. How can a small creature like her fit so much delight in her soul?"
"Perhaps we should ask her mother where she inherits all her delight from."
"Ah, yet another cursed trait of mine that my daughter is subjected to!"
"You jest, but I find it the most precious thing in the world."
"But we did end up here."
"What do you mean?"
"A cottage in the woods. Our answers do in fact rest here."
"But we do not have to stay here forever. In a way, our answers are spread amok. We are free to live our lives in a manner of our own device. We have spent a life pursuing each other in masquerades, households, nearly across seas and fathoms of land, but never stopped to wonder if there ever was a life .. where we could simply walk abreast with each other."
"Glad you have come to such a realisation today."
"You laugh, Sophie but I only wish I was blessed with this wisdom earlier so our lives could have begun when it should have begun."
"When?"
"When we were born."
"We were children and may I remind you, I wouldn't have been aliv—"
"All this lost time.."
"I love you now."
"But I should have loved you then! I have missed you, Sophie. Oh, these years. These paltry, sweeping, fast years. I missed you so much."
"But I love you now."
"I know. What have I done to deserve it? No. Sorry. We have agreed not to dwell on our old fears. Forgive me."
"Let us take a walk tomorrow. You and me and our little girl."
"In step with each other."
"Neither of us leads. Neither of us follows."
"Oh I have missed dancing with you, Benedict."
"My love, if it is a dance you desire, why I will arrange a floor right this very instant!"
"Well, except for Violet."
"What of Violet?"
"She would want to lead us to that squirrel she is so fond of."
"Perhaps we should let her keep it."
"And what will become of the Crabtrees?"
"A girl needs a squirrel, Sophie, as she would need a cat, a dog, a house serpent, a stag and possibly even a goat. She will also need a boat to transport all her animals. It is crucial for her development. Mrs Crabtree will understand."
"Ah, but when I offered to teach her how to use scissors, I was met with dissent, outcry and rebellion all at once."
"I am—"
"What if she needed to cut something?"
"Or someone else?"
"Well, they must've deserved it."
"Sophie-"
"Yes?"
"Would we have.. had Violet even if we'd fled from home? Invoking the universe's divine wrath is bound to leave one with a punishment severe. And what is more dishonourable, I ask, than rebelling by leaving home?"
"Home, as in Mayfair?"
"Home as in you."
"That is silly. How on earth would one miss another especially when both are headed off in the same direction? It is impossible. Under what circumstances even, is it possible?"
"The part when you look away. It feels as bleak as winter."
"Sophie?"
"Sophie, say something, will you? I cannot see your lips move in the dark."
"Benedict?"
"Yes?"
"It is difficult for me to admit to it, but I suppose I can say it now when it is dark."
"Of course."
"I think I would like it if.. you took care of me. You always do, but — here and now, I confess that I do want you to take care of me. I would like it very much if you continue doing so. For a long time I'd believed I was unworthy of care but maybe today is the day I can finally put my doubts to rest."
"Benedict, love, please do not weep on my account."
"Just.. the mist in here. Nothing to worry about."
"I want you to take care of me now."
"And if it is not too much to ask, I would love if you .. turned around once in a while. It is silly, I know but-"
Sophie turned to face him and buried herself in his arms.
Home felt like a good place to be.













