#cjsinkstains

[ceejaysheadspace]

I’ve given it some thought and to be honest I don’t care how difficult this may be. I’ve been more afraid of losing you than I am of loving you. That’s all I’ll say about that. This year is about reinventing how I approach life. No longer will I sit on my thoughts, a bad habit of mine. I want to own each moment, breathe in each moment, experience them in their fullest. Last year I realized just how stagnant I became and how much I took for granted. And without even knowing it, I was halting myself and my life in my indecision. No decision means no growth. No decision no movement. I allowed fear to dictate the pace at which my life progressed. Waiting until the last moment. Waiting until I was left with no choice but to make a decision. It’s my game breaker year. And you’re a part of that. I’ve turned tail from feelings that I was too afraid to accept. And I never allowed myself to fully feel the force of this love because of the chance that it’s the most real thing I’ve felt. The most tangible thing in my heart. No fear in this year. I’m facing it all head on, no matter how painful it could get. No matter how vulnerable I’ll make myself. If there’s person I‘d do this for, you’re as good a person as there could ever be. Most importantly, I’m facing the truth of the possible reality in which you honestly can’t reciprocate. Yes, over these years I’ve never sought reciprocation and I never will. But the truth of the matter is, I am human too and like all others, need to be loved the way I was born to be. No matter how much I have wished it to be you I finally started accepting the possibility that its just not you. And with that you’ll go from the girl I’ve always saved space for to the girl who never had any to spare. A bit of a downer to the say the least but I’m willing to face that reality and continue to put my best foot forward for you. Funny how now, at the point in my life where I find myself wanting you the most, 10 years later, more than ever, I’m willing to make a decision that’s possibly the most loving thing that I could ever do for you. To let go. To separate the romance from the love. And love you harder than ever before. I know this isn’t a one time decision. This will be a day to day decision. And one I’m willing to no longer forego. But to embrace and work hard for. No fear. No indecision. I’m owning this moment. Owning this decision. Owning this love. 

[ceejaysheadspace]

an old poem.

There it goes again. It was never just once. twice. only just now or only back then. It’s every time.

We catch eyes and I realize I’m staring deep into the woman who projects the same natural joy from that profound stare she wears whenever she gives me, that look.

The same look she gave me that first night. The same night she wore that black dress, warm smile, and dark hair that seemed to dance in front of her face, 

captivating me as an infant does when it cracks a smile, she had me in the palm of her hand. 

Like an ocean in my view it seemed as if her beauty was illuminated by the lights of the room even though I knew her true magnificence was hidden at its depths. 

And if she was my ocean I wanted to be her night sky. For I knew I had Space behind the bones of my ribs and it had stars that burned deep for her. 

She was the type of woman in my life that quoted my sunsets. Brought peace to my unrest 

and lifted my spirit to tackle improvements on a version of me that I never would’ve imagined.

And so here I am trying to find the words to describe this moment. As beautiful and transcendent as He wrote it. Yet, all the colorful language in the world couldn’t do her beauty justice. I was just hoping that maybe with just this,

she’d catch a glimpse of the poetry i see standing before me. 

[ceejaysheadspace]

"you're fearless", she said sweetly. but then i thought about how scared i am a lot of times. its just growing up out here i learned we cant let ourselves get stuck in life. the only option is to look and carry on forward. no waiting, even slow progress is moving forward. eventually you'll get where you want to be when the time for it is right. and for right now you're already where you need to be.

[ceejaysheadspace]

to 16 year old me:

people are generally more good hearted than not. open your heart to yourself. open your heart to your friends. be more forgiving of them and forgive yourself. people will go through phases. these phases are just all they are. phases. be patient with them. be patient with yourself. understand that this is the test of friendship. where the quintessential component is presence. often times its all that matters. we are all growing. give yourself the opportunity to see them triumph. give yourself the opportunity to triumph. mistakes will be made. but even mother nature remains and continues to be beautiful after natural disasters. its harder to mend a friendship than to stick with them through the tough times. 

sincerely, you 10 years from now

[ceejaysheadspace]

woke up today at 8pm after sleeping for 9 hours. last night’s shift killed me.  but anyways my pop woke me up with a phone call asking if wanted to eat at Panera bread with him.  dad and I really don’t see each other much ever since I started working night shifts two years ago. mostly just on weekends I don’t work. otherwise its just in passing when I come home in the morning and he leaves for work or when he comes home from work and I leave for work.  so naturally I obliged and man it wasn’t long into our meal did it hit me how much I enjoy chilling with him. As we talked, I started thinkin about things he told me when I was younger. Like how he told me to always put family first, especially when I was a teenager and almost always wanted to go hang out with my friends.  now at my age. in this chapter of life im at the years between 25 and 30, I realize how right he was. Friendships change, people outgrow each other, and adulthood brings people down different paths of life. But family has always been here. It’s always been home. At least for me.  I’ve been thinking about this stage of life. I remember reading somewhere about this age group I’m in is dubbed “The Lost Years”. It’s the point in your life where you realize you can’t stop yourself and the world around you from growing up and you find yourself already grown up. You find your group of friends becoming less present in your life and finding yourself less available for them. Your parents are getting older. And you’re just trying to manufacture and maintain a stable ground for your adult life to stand on, financially, emotionally, and spiritually. It’s a lot.  The friend thing really fucks with your mind though. Sometimes I find myself lowkey desperately reaching out to friends without response. And a part of you thinks that yeah maybe they are just busy. And another part of you wonders if the bond you fashioned is enough to withstand impending adulthood and responsibilities that continue to accrue as time passes by. Or maybe that last part is just me? idk. well those are the thoughts that have been intruding my mind the past couple of weeks.  So eating at Panera bread with my Dad brought me a lot of comfort. Knowing that I still got them right now in this moment. And it made me treasure moments like these all the more.  Dad started talking about his dad more and the more I listened the more I realized I barely knew my grandpa who was on the other side of the world most of my life. I found out that my grandpa was a Marksman in the Philippine Army. And in the summers he was employed to be a palace guard for the Philippine President at The Mansion compound in Baguio City. He told me of his fond memories with grandpa when he would take him out to the beach, throw him on his shoulders and dunk under the ocean surface and how it freaked him out. He told me my grandpa was a man of few words but always did what needed to be done for his family. How he ate healthy and trained his body for years well into his 70s so he could still maintain the farm and take care of his wife as she got older. All I could remember about my grandfather was his shuffling gait and slow splurts of flatulence lmao. But hearing this much more about him made me wanna know more.  And I started thinking about how it’s these moments I share with my dad that I would want to share onto my kids one day. Memories and experience are the rarest most valuable lessons, and the most fragile.  But I digress. I just thought I’d write about these kinds of things. Because maybe somewhere down the line I can look back and appreciate these phases in my life and where they inevitably brought me.  Age 25-30 is weird. 

[ceejaysheadspace]

you can’t put a price on time.

I was driving home from work the other day and I witnessed middle-schoolers walking to school. it was 8:15am and I smiled thinking  “man, feels like just yesterday I was stressing to make it to class on time at 8:30 in the morning”.   tonight I started writing a bucket list. I started listing the things I’ve always wanted to do, places I want to see, thing I’ve wanted to say.  It always seemed like kind of a silly idea to me, morbid even, but now, at this point and time in my life, it makes so much sense. I admit I’ve always been type of person to just let life happen. to live life at my own pace. and a part of me still believes there is much merit to such a mantra. but looking at this list now, I can’t help but think this is probably one of the smartest things I’ve done.  2018 is my gamebreaker year. and i’m still defining what that means each and every day. this is just another stepping point. two weeks ago I was reminded of this idea in Hawaii when I decided to re-watch The Bucket List with my cousin. And maybe this idea was spurred forth in my mind with the recent passing of Mac Miller. He passed away after living the same amount years I have on this Earth. So it kind of hit home for me.  There’s still much to do and much to live and this bucket list is not even scratching the surface. Being honest with myself, this bucket list has some things I probably won’t get the chance to do. And some of these things honestly scare the crap out of me and I question whether I have the courage to do them. But what’s living without taking chances? 

[ceejaysheadspace]

[ceejaysheadspace]

mark these words:

2018 is going to be my gamebreaker year.