#class00

[iailwtos]

class 004

So the section decided to meet outside of school grounds in the name of productivity since there’s a teacher strike. We met at one of the girl’s house. We talked about some stuff, waiting for the rest to arrive. When they finally did, we started looking at different stuff that our teacher had said we should work on. After a while, we took a break, a smoke break, for those that did ofc. As i result, i stayed all alone with another guy, he was in my previous school so we sort of gossiped about some stuff. Then the roommate came out… aaaand now im realizing this is stupid. I crave interaction so i end up craving whoever gives it to me. He said i played well, and it seemed genuine. That made me happy. All the other things i was going to say aren’t relevant anymore. Main idea today is that a simple compliment made me happy.

[iailwtos]

class 006

It's still so embarrassing to go to class, i swear i try my best but its still hard. Today i was paired out with this girl, since the beginning of the session i wanted to be paired up with her, but she was so mean. She looked annoyed. As if being next to me was the horrible-lest thing that could happen at that moment. I felt humiliated, I'm not only a slow partner, but also an unlikable one. Maybe she just had a bad day, or maybe I'm just exaggerating. But today, i was behind him.

When I think about it, it's weird that I like him. Do I even? I've never spoken to him. All that's happened is that i catch him staring or vice versa. And like I said, it's as if it was anyone else. But I feel different when I look at him, or when he stares at me. Maybe he's weirded out by me or just has pity because of my "skills" in class, but all the same, I am somehow attracted to him. I'm going to look back on this in a couple years or even months, and I'm going to realize it was probably nothing. But I really can't help but think about him- wait no, not think about him... more like, wonder about him. I wouldn't consider it a crush, just a sort of nice thought. A nice thing to think about. Oh I have class with him tomorrow. That kind of stuff. I wish to be his friend, I think that's what it is. I want a friend.

[iailwtos]

class 006

Today I almost cried in class. They are all quite literally better than me. They are all in more advanced classes than me except for this one in particular. Meanwhile, I'm in all of the low levels classes. I'm entering an industry where comparing yourself to others is inevitable. But it always hurts.

Every class is the same dilemma, we get in, and nobody sits next to me, unless there's no other place available.

I feel them staring because I don't talk with anyone, because I can't answer fast or because I don't know the answer at all.

I feel them staring and I can almost sense pity.

There's one guy in particular, he caught my attention. Sometimes I catch him staring. It's nothing uncommon. It's just as if i would've catched anyone else staring, but there's something in his eyes. That pity comes from him, so loud I can see it.

She doesn't know what's going on but there's no one to help her.

She sits down and looks at her playing hands.

She shakes when they ask her anything.

Her leg wont stop bouncing.

Her eyes are red.

She's lost.

But there's no one to comfort her.

It's true. I'm mad at him because it's true. Because I can see it in his eyes. People know I'm lonely. Loneliness is not the problem, but their talking stares, they cut me like no other blade would.