#clemmer

[psfaith]

Strong leaders don't allow themselves to be victims of a bad boss. We may not be able to choose our boss, but we can choose how to respond t

[fjordling]

UGHHHHHHHH

The way I operate, I put on a brave face as if nothing ever really bothers me, but now that just means I want to cry nearly every time I’m alone. Every day that goes by, I honestly wonder if I’m in love with LLDOA, but every day that goes by she’s more and more unavailable. What makes it all worse is that I know she still likes me - she’s told me that fact drunkenly a fair share of times. I just hope they’re really goddamn happy, because if all of this heartbreak was wasted on a throw-away and lackluster relationship, that would kill me even more.

Throughout high school, I was always unhappy being the gay one. I would tell people that I was bisexual in hopes that at least guys would give me some attention, but even when they did, I just wanted to be happy with an amazing girl and feel normal in my own skin for once. So I got to college after the summer I realized that I was lying to myself and that I was totally and completely gay, and I met this amazing girl. I even told myself coming in that I didn’t want any relationships at the start of the year, but this girl was beautiful and smart and talented and she liked me, and I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. That first night that she kissed me, I thought I was going to explode. It was the first time I kissed a girl who was actually into girls, and it felt like my universe was just going to explode. I was so giddy after that. And we kept doing this - finding the constellations in each other’s eyes and creating new stars every time we touched and forging new galaxies every time we kissed. And then, we had sex. I’m not going into detail with that, but it was a pleasant shock for both of is since she admitted that after her relationships in the past, she told herself that she would only have sex with someone if only she truly loved them, but then she quickly clarified that even though at that point she wasn’t in love with me, whatever we had must have been so special for her not even to think twice about the thought of sleeping with me.

Time went on and I won’t bore y’all with the story of how we almost got officially together then decided to give it time, then how she got with my roommate shortly after that. So I was horribly sad and angry and lost after that happened, then eventually I met Clemmer. Now, Clemmer is gorgeous and passionate and warm and feels like home just as much as LLDOA, and I was so happy again. It was so good and blissful that it took me a long time to realize that it didn’t quite feel the same as LLDOA, and then when I realized that LLDOA was always in the back of my mind, I panicked. I just wanted to be with Clemmer, why was LLDOA still fucking with my mind?

Eventually Clemmer and I drifted apart, because I wasn’t able to allow myself to really pursue something really real with her since I knew it would be unfair because of my lingering feelings for LLDOA. Then, last week, I drunkenly slept with a third girl, but then I realized how screwed I was when I caught myself wishing I was with LLDOA instead. I want to be with Clemmer, goddamn it, but LLDOA is always in the back of my mind waiting to screw up my happiness.

Like I honestly just want to be happy with Clemmer and hopefully over time I will get over LLDOA, which pisses me off. It pisses me off since she’s got such a hold on me and I just want to break free but I can’t because no one else so far has forged new galaxies with me. It’s hard to describe the feeling I felt when I was with her, but it was so strong that I feel as if it’s impossible to get out of my system, at least just yet. So I hope that my roommate feels celestial with LLDOA, because I think it would kill me even more if she didn’t.

[fjordling]

OH GOD I JUST ACCIDENTALLY TEXTED HER. I MEANT TO TEXT MY CLASSMATE (WHO, ADMITTEDLY, HAS A NAME THAT IS HER NAME JUST WITH TWO LETTERS ADDED ON THE END), BUT I TEXTED HER INSTEAD AND I REALLY HOPE SHE DOESN'T THINK I DID IT ON PURPOSE OR THAT I'M A PSYCHO STALKER OR UGH IDK.

[fjordling]

Oh my god so last night I went to a party over in Lake Oswego, and there were a crazy amount of people there and it was a great party, then people started saying that the cops were coming so most of the people left in a panic and I wasn't able to get out of there quite yet because of the mass exodus, so I was there with a couple of friends, and right after like 70% of the people there left, it was revealed that it was a false alarm and the party actually got more fun once it was more exclusive. We stayed for over another hour. Also, I slept with her again last night but I'm a total fucking idiot because I didn't muster up the courage to ask her what we're doing in terms of our relationship status. Because this is what, the seventh time we've had sex but we never talk about what's going on or if there's any other emotions involved or what.

[fjordling]

Little rant about heteronormative culture

So I went to Starfucker last night and it was AMAZING, and there was this (straight) couple standing beside me making out quite frequently during the show. No biggie - I'm not really into excessive PDA and it isn't something that I want to see, but they were at it without any comments from anyone around them. Then, the girl I'm kinda sorta with leaned over kind of late into the concert and gave me a quick kiss. Of course, since we're girls, this elicited creepy comments from a guy that never once made a comment to the other couple. He wasn't homophobic or anything, but he vocalized how he liked watching us, and that totally skeeved me out. It annoys the fuck out of me that a straight couple can get away with excessive PDA throughout the entire concert without a comment, but a quick peck on the lips between girls attracts creepy comments that the man wouldn't have ever dared tell the heterosexual couple. Ugh rant over.

[thosecheekybrits]

Aced part one of my Pre-Calc Honors final, two more parts to go

[froeverfrolik--blog]