#lldoa

[fjordling]

And so that was weird, but then we came back to my room and we're all hanging out here and she keeps staring at me and making faces and trying to catch my eye but then seconds later Roomie will kiss her or cuddle into her and it just brings reality back and my stomach just churns because I hate being swept up in all of this and not moving on even though I've tried so hard to. And it's just so upsetting because I feel like the only way I can move on is if I just never see her around, but that's just impossible because we're friends and we have all the same friends and she's fucking dating my roommate. But ugh my Roomie was giving her a piggyback a she plopped her down on my bed and LLDOA just sat there for a really long time and kept moving her leg until it was touching mine and she left it there and oh my god it's just taking so much mental concentration to convince myself that I can't kiss her goodnight when she leaves and i can't dare put my hand on hers and it just feels like hell and she keeps mentioning all these memories from when we were an item and being all nostalgic about it and just 100% of the time when I'm around them I feel like there is just a weight in my chest and my stomach churns and I know that there is absolutely nothing I can do about it and it hurts. I've just had absolutely no luck when it comes to things like this, and it really starts to sting after awhile since now I just spend all my time wondering what is so wrong with me that she chose my roommate then continued to tell me that she still liked me every time she was drunk. Why did I go from first choice to second choice to regret to the person she still wants to be with to I don't even know what now. I just feel like in every somewhat-relationship I've had I was there #1 at some point but they ended up choosing someone else over me. Like I don't know what major flaw I have that makes it always like this, but let's be real - it really sucks to only be able to say that you "almost were in a relationship" with someone or "slept with them and there were mutual feelings but it didn't work out in the end". I just want someone else to feel the same way and the same magnitude to me that I feel about them.

[fjordling]

Ugh why the hell did you text me "I miss you"? How the fuck am I supposed to respond to that? Ughhhhhh. If you really missed me that much and cared about me, why would you treat me like shit and completely and selfishly disregard my feelings and then turn around and cry to my face about your feelings for me? I am so over you having that much control over my emotions and I am willing to be your friend if you sort it out and acknowledge that even though you are sad the way things went, it was you who caused everything to happen and I did the best I could to handle all of it.

[fjordling]

UGHHHHHHHH

The way I operate, I put on a brave face as if nothing ever really bothers me, but now that just means I want to cry nearly every time I’m alone. Every day that goes by, I honestly wonder if I’m in love with LLDOA, but every day that goes by she’s more and more unavailable. What makes it all worse is that I know she still likes me - she’s told me that fact drunkenly a fair share of times. I just hope they’re really goddamn happy, because if all of this heartbreak was wasted on a throw-away and lackluster relationship, that would kill me even more.

Throughout high school, I was always unhappy being the gay one. I would tell people that I was bisexual in hopes that at least guys would give me some attention, but even when they did, I just wanted to be happy with an amazing girl and feel normal in my own skin for once. So I got to college after the summer I realized that I was lying to myself and that I was totally and completely gay, and I met this amazing girl. I even told myself coming in that I didn’t want any relationships at the start of the year, but this girl was beautiful and smart and talented and she liked me, and I knew I couldn’t pass up the opportunity. That first night that she kissed me, I thought I was going to explode. It was the first time I kissed a girl who was actually into girls, and it felt like my universe was just going to explode. I was so giddy after that. And we kept doing this - finding the constellations in each other’s eyes and creating new stars every time we touched and forging new galaxies every time we kissed. And then, we had sex. I’m not going into detail with that, but it was a pleasant shock for both of is since she admitted that after her relationships in the past, she told herself that she would only have sex with someone if only she truly loved them, but then she quickly clarified that even though at that point she wasn’t in love with me, whatever we had must have been so special for her not even to think twice about the thought of sleeping with me.

Time went on and I won’t bore y’all with the story of how we almost got officially together then decided to give it time, then how she got with my roommate shortly after that. So I was horribly sad and angry and lost after that happened, then eventually I met Clemmer. Now, Clemmer is gorgeous and passionate and warm and feels like home just as much as LLDOA, and I was so happy again. It was so good and blissful that it took me a long time to realize that it didn’t quite feel the same as LLDOA, and then when I realized that LLDOA was always in the back of my mind, I panicked. I just wanted to be with Clemmer, why was LLDOA still fucking with my mind?

Eventually Clemmer and I drifted apart, because I wasn’t able to allow myself to really pursue something really real with her since I knew it would be unfair because of my lingering feelings for LLDOA. Then, last week, I drunkenly slept with a third girl, but then I realized how screwed I was when I caught myself wishing I was with LLDOA instead. I want to be with Clemmer, goddamn it, but LLDOA is always in the back of my mind waiting to screw up my happiness.

Like I honestly just want to be happy with Clemmer and hopefully over time I will get over LLDOA, which pisses me off. It pisses me off since she’s got such a hold on me and I just want to break free but I can’t because no one else so far has forged new galaxies with me. It’s hard to describe the feeling I felt when I was with her, but it was so strong that I feel as if it’s impossible to get out of my system, at least just yet. So I hope that my roommate feels celestial with LLDOA, because I think it would kill me even more if she didn’t.

[fjordling]

Note to future lovers:

If you want to be my lover, for the love of god PLEASE do not get with my friends.

Especially if they are my roommate. Because that really hurts.

[fjordling]

Oh my god I want to cry

Last night was not my night

[fjordling]

I'm sick and cold. This is the first time I've been really sick at college, and I just want to get warm. I have a really bad cold and I have chills but my dorm is so icy cold right now and I am literally wearing a sweater and a scarf and two blankets, but I am still freezing. I also have homework to do but I'm having trouble concentrating. I have an 8 am class tomorrow and I'm honestly considering emailing the professor but I have no idea what to say, but it's also one of my most intense classes.

[fjordling]

But really...

Kisses are actually the best thing ever.