D&D Campaign Update: My 325-year-old Kitsune Priestess is one bad session away from vanishing into a monastery and leaving everyone to their fate.
Day 1: I join a party with my girls, my cousin and his "genius" bros. My goal: earn enough to build a temple for my god, Lethal, and finally find some peace.
Day 2: We haven’t even reached the dungeon. Why? Because I’ve spent the entire time babysitting these absolute clowns.
The Dream Team:
Me: An Aro-Ace Kitsune Priestess who just started chain-smoking to cope.
Friend A (Fire Genasi Wizard): Ironically the only one with a "cool" head. While the world burns, she’s the one actually doing the reconnaissance.
Friend B (German Human Fighter): Has reached such a level of "Done" that she just sits there playing Solitaire IN-CHARACTER while the party collapses. (Update: She officially left the party in-game. Honestly? I don't blame her.)
The Boys: ...We don't talk about the boys.
The highlights (or why I started smoking through my mask):
The Romance Arc Nobody Asked For: My cousin (a Dragonborn) spent half the first session flirting with a Halfling. His friend (an Elf) then started flirting with some random blonde just because his ego was bruised that the Halfling didn't choose him.
The Forest Incident: Meanwhile, the third friend thought it was a great idea to hit on ME in the middle of a forest. As an Aro-Ace Priestess, I have never felt more dead inside.
The Pig Incident: After all that, my cousin decided to insult a GIANT SWINE. It didn't go well. I had to use my divine healing on a man who lost a roast battle with a hog.
The Bribery & Treason: He then tried to bribe a LEGION COMMANDER with 100 gold. For a whole-ass legion. While my Wizard friend was gathering intel, the "bros" managed to get us all cornered. They blabbed, and suddenly we are officially charged with HIGH TREASON while working for the state.
The Verdict:
I looked the guards in the eye and said: "Officers, I met these men exactly seven days ago. I am on a holy pilgrimage. I do not claim them. Please proceed."
And you know what? It worked. The guards looked at me and my friend and said: "You two are clearly the only sane people here. You're free to go."
Current status:
While they were rotting in a cell, another Cleric of Lethal tracked me, I stroke a divine deal with him, and bailed these idiots out.
I’m not becoming a villain. I’m just one "Bèndàn" away from drinking a Potion of Invisibility and letting the world burn. My future temple will have a "NO FLIRTING" sign and "Only Aro-Ace bards are allowed".
Lethal, give me patience!
