#coco's shenanigans

[queer-cosette]

Okay, so @theladyfae and @swxxtcidxr have convinced me that this would be a hilarious idea so here you all go:

Which of these Noodle Incidents is a lie and isn't actually a thing that happened to me or a fact about me?

I've broken my nose seven times since I was six years old

I never learned how to peel an orange

I once used a lecturer's pointer stick to beat the shit out of a military cadet

One time I knocked over my chemistry teacher with a six foot beach ball

I've accidentally set fire to my own eyebrows twice

I once drunkenly tried to fight an animatronic T-rex at a museum

I tried to swat a moth with a croquet mallet and put a hole in my bedroom wall

I eat kiwi fruit the way you'd eat a pear or an apple. skin and all

I won a 'Funniest Injury' award in college for slamming my elbow in a wardrobe

I've accidentally flashed my underwear to a busy street in London's West End

I have tinnitus from standing too close to the speakers at a MARINA concert

I once had to be held back from throwing a 2kg ham joint at a pensioner

Voting ended onNov 9, 2023

There we go. Eleven of these statements are true. You guys have one week to guess which one is a lie. Have fun!

[queer-cosette]

So my MWG friends will be well aware (after many 'which is the best beverage' debates) that I dislike regular tea and only drink herbal on occasion.

But would you guys like to know the story of why I dislike regular tea? It's mildly funny, very stupid, and deeply, deeply unfortunate.

[queer-cosette]

As a noted Weird Person, I'm contemplating doing a poll on here where I post a bunch of things that have happened to me and you guys have to guess which one is a lie

[queer-cosette]

in case you’re wondering why I’m Like ThisTM I think this is pretty much what happens when in high school you’re too weird and nerdy to be popular but too pretty and charismatic to fit in with the outcasts so instead of finding a clique you compress into a bizarre little agent of chaos and once you’re an adult you start meeting people who appreciate that then next thing you know BOOM you’re surrounded by people who actually enjoy and encourage your cultivated brand of shenanigans.

[queer-cosette]

With April Fools Day now over, I thought you lot might like to know that my mother pulled a pretty good prank on me today. I suffer severe hayfever (seriously. It is SEVERE.) and am known to be generally a little out of it in the mornings before the speed (aka ADHD meds) kicks in. I was sleeby and thus susceptible.

My mum told me over her newspaper that new research suggests that wearing a hat can combat hayfever. I shrugged and nodded along and then realised I was about to be late for work. On my way out the door, I remembered what she'd said (look. I assumed it was about like. pressure points in the skull being stimulated or something. Look I was very tired and desperate for the endless sneezing to let up) and grabbed a pink cable-knit hat with a fluffy pink pompom.

And then I proceeded to go do my job where I interact with the public (on saturdays I work our store's collection point for online grocery shopping) and every time a customer or coworker commented on my hat, I told them that apparently wearing a hat is meant to make hayfever sufferers sneeze less. I totally believed it and did not realise it was a prank.

ALSO you are supposed to end April Fools pranks at 12 noon. (I don't know if that's just a Scottish/british thing tho?) and my mum just. forgot to text me to tell me that it was a prank.

Anyway my dad told me it was a prank when he picked me up from work at 6pm, to which I shouted "FUCK OFF NAW ACTUAL GET TAE FUCK AV BIN CUTTIN ABOOT AW DAY TELLIN CUNTS THAT WEARING A HAT STOAPS HAYFEVER" at that top of my lungs. He was laughing sympathetically so hard that he didn't even tell me off for the swear words.

Anyway, I told my mum about that unintended side effect of her little prank, she did a very bad job of feigning remorse, and then bought me profiteroles to make me feel better, which was nice of her, but unfortunately the prank had still gone on past the deadline, which meant my mindset was something along these lines:

We'll see who's laughing tomorrow morning when she goes for a bath and realises I clingfilmed the caps of every shampoo and conditioner bottle in the house.

[queer-cosette]

I found my iPod Shuffle and was like 'hey I can charge this up and listen at work!' and it was nice because I got to listen to all the songs I loved when I was younger! And then I got another surprise because I'd put the entire audiobook of The House At Pooh Corner on it! And that was really nice and soothing to listen to :D and then I got another surprise! Because something possessed 12-year-old Coco to follow up the audiobook (the nice soothing tones of Stephen Fry and also much quieter than the other music so I had to turn it way up) with a punk rock song! Specifically the Primevals' cover of Screaming Skull, which begins with Mickey Rooney fully just screaming into the mic at the top of his lungs! Anyway it made me jump so badly I nearly catapulted a can of soup into an old lady's face

[queer-cosette]

I think being the youngest cousin is a very different experience from being the youngest sibling because you're not in everyone else's space all the time so instead of getting mad at you using your cuteness to get out of trouble they weaponise it. I'm an only child and as a result was incredibly easy to talk into participating in silly schemes and when things went wrong and emergency shenanigan clean up was required my cousin Siân would just be like "Coco have you told my mum and dad about your new whale book yet?" and I'd be like "No but I SHOULD!" and they'd get like a full half hour of uninterrupted crime cover up time because no self-respecting adult was going to tell their adorable toddler relative to shut up because toddlers are like cats in that you can't move or be mean to them when they are willingly sitting on your lap.

[queer-cosette]

I can admit that most of my funniest hijinks occurred after I sobered up and fully accepted my asexuality, but here’s a particularly funny misadventure from before that happened: I once had sex that actually did leave me unable to walk afterwards.